Need to be validated by physical intimacy

[Justapotato]

How do you cope with their need to be validated through sex (my boyfriend is especially big on this. In his eyes sex is love) whilst still trying to recover from the stress of the last rollercoaster or episode and low libido that I find comes with it?

Feeling like I’ve been put in an emotional tumble dryer isn’t exactly a turn on for me, and then the added pressure of trying to go against my own feelings to prevent a relapse is really starting to affect my sex drive. Also being with a partner all the time after the initial honeymoon period (well, 18 months together but live together, always with each other etc etc) has its  effects too but it’s mainly the pressure I feel from the bpd aspect which is driving me mad.

I find being relaxed and happy together is when the magic happens, not at his request (not direct but more the knowledge that if he doesn’t get sex he’s going to take it the wrong way and take a big step backwards).

He’s never forceful, he just desperately needs love but after stressful episodes I normally need time to myself to recover as well but it seems his needs are always greater than mine and living together makes it hard to avoid without openly saying I’m not in the mood which he can take like a slap in the face thinking it means I don’t love him.

Hopefully someone else can relate…?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi Justapotato I'm replying since no one else has. Hopefully a lady on can also chime in.

What do you do to take care of yourself, and how often do you? Maybe go for a walk, meet with friends or family, read a book. It's easy to enmesh when in a relationship with a person with BPD, so I think it's important to have some alone time for yourself to destress and keep your own individuality, dreams, goals, interests, etc. Just like in an airplane they say to first put your own oxygen mask before helping others. I don't think there's a magic formula to solve this and I know it's a sensitive topic. Reading the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, encouraged me to change my mindset and take control of my life and half of the relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! I had that issue in my previous marriage to a BPD husband. 

It’s a common issue in relationships where one partner has a greater need for sex than the other. However BPD adds a whole other element.

I found it near impossible to be attracted to someone who treated me poorly, didn’t apologize for his behavior, was unwilling to see things from my perspective, yet wanted me to be an eager and willing sex partner whenever he desired it.

The more I ignored my feelings and just participated, the more I grew to loathe him.

Sorry, I don’t have any good advice for you.

[PeteWitsend]

close your eyes and think of someone else.

just don't accidentally call out their name

[zondolit]

I can relate for sure. You write "his needs are always greater than mine." In any true, lasting relationship, this simply cannot be the case.

[alterK]

It sounds to me the problem you are dealing with has less to do with sex than it does with anxiety. Or some other kind of difficult emotion your BF is struggling with. When he is stressed he wants you to help him calm down, to reassure him, and his standard way of seeking this is to want sex. Doesn't sound to me like he has a lot of resources in this department--or maybe you haven't found other ways of reaching him.

Some situations, say, genuine grief, might prompt you to want to comfort someone with sex, but the kinds of emotions you seem to be describing are a turn-off. And sex in this kind of situation is a band-aid. It doesn't do anything to help the underlying problems, and I suspect that's another factor in your feeling unmotivated.

I doubt your situation will improve unless your BF is able to address those underlying problems. Frank and careful discussion might help, but likely he needs therapy, and it isn't easy convincing a person to go that route (it might help you too).

[Justapotato]

Thanks everyone. Have actually taken a week apart so I can have some much needed me time. It’s just hard when the nasty comments that come out of the BPD mouth during an episode can be sexually referenced.

Think we need to have some proper talks now we have had time apart to get some air… yes it is anxiety more I suppose, but it gets compounded as I take a lot longer to recover emotionally from down periods than my bf. Hard to keep up…

[Zoa]

Relate to how you feel.  My ex would ignore me then suddenly want to have sex.  I felt like a prostitute.