Part 3: step parenting uBPD SD22 with suicidal ideation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337838.0


Amazing to me how the gentlest boundary setting can trigger a comment like that from her.

Or at least have her thoughts revealed.

[livednlearned]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337838.0


Amazing to me how the gentlest boundary setting can trigger a comment like that from her.

Or at least have her thoughts revealed.

[formflier]

More than that, the "technically part of the family" remark is an attempt to establish her father, sister, and her as the nuclear family and to marginalize you as the interloper. This is part of her root problem with you right now -- a reluctance to accept that you and your husband -- your marriage -- is the core unit of the family and can take priority over her wants and needs.

I've had quite a bit of drive time today and I've been thinking about this thread and that text.

I'm going to say that it's crystal clear that SD22 see's you as an interloper.  It's less clear where your hubby sees you in relationship to SD22.  He appears to behave many times as if  SD22 is the primary focus of the family.

Here is the thing...your hubby is training SD22 to believe/expect these things.  He raised her and he continues to "enable", "train", "validate" (whatever term you want to use)..that this is the way things are.

The focus has been on SD22...I think it needs to shift to your hubby.

Said another way...why spend time talking about the "diet to make the monster smaller"...when someone is actively overfeeding the monster...and shows no (little) capacity to slow down or "restrict calories"?

I'll address some of the other questions a bit later this evening.

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Otherwise H will say, SD22 is not suicidal right now. Then I'm responding with, "T and psychiatrist say she's chronically suicidal, SD25 is trying to understand SI ideation, you've gone to check on her, it's common with bipolar and depression, etc." and we're back in a loop of me trying to persuade him about something in front of his face.

This has been bothering me since I read it last night.

Much of what you've posted is showing that H is enabling in these ways because he if terrified that SD22 is suicidal.  Yet he will deny that to you if you ask him to take action?  I guess this is his version of head-in-the-sand.

Have you presented it to him as the flip side?  "If SD22 is not suicidal, then why is it necessary for you to be constantly available to text with her?"  "If SD22 is not suicidal, then why are you jumping through so many hoops for her?"   

[livednlearned]

I'm going to say that it's crystal clear that SD22 see's you as an interloper.

 

That's been clear from day one  

It's one of the reasons I refused to move in to their childhood home. H and I moved into a new house -- our house.

It's less clear where your hubby sees you in relationship to SD22.

 

I have all but eliminated the need for him to make a choice. The idea that he even has to make a choice is part of BPD dysfunction and splitting behaviors (competitive family structure).

I've done it by focusing on my boundaries, not his. Both H and SD22 can feel a shift, neither of them can articulate what is happening. SD25 trusts me because she senses that I am focusing on healthy boundaries, versus distributing scarce resources to the neediest person.

With SD22 and H, I see signs that both feel the effects. SD22 is puzzled and also testing how aggressive she can be. For H, I think it's a mixed bag. On one hand there is anxiety because I am not participating in the dysfunction and emotional labor with SD22. He's on his own for the most part when it comes to her and that makes him anxious.

On the other hand, our relationship feels closer, stronger, tighter. He seems to trust that something is happening that's healthy, and even though it isn't solving everything, it is minimizing the conflict without ignoring it. The more boundaries I set, the more relaxed and clear I feel.

But yah, if we treated relationships as a choice, H would feel he had to choose SD22. I'm pointing out in my own way that being made to feel there is a choice is in itself unhealthy.

Here is the thing...your hubby is training SD22 to believe/expect these things.  He raised her and he continues to "enable", "train", "validate" (whatever term you want to use)..that this is the way things are.

The focus has been on SD22...I think it needs to shift to your hubby.

Exactly.

This is why the SI thing kind of rolls back the general direction we've been moving. Which is for me to support H and my marriage. Actually, a lot of the time I'm just focusing on healthy boundaries and regular old helpful social norms.

My gut tells me SD22 is using SI ideation as a horrible coping mechanism and that she is not likely to move to SI gestures without something extremely stressful happening (like breaking up, not getting a job this fall, getting fired from her job). But of course who knows. So given the dynamics in my marriage, I'm trying to chip away by suggesting he emphasizes a full evaluation that includes screening for BPD. And meanwhile gathering information for treatment if things come to a head. Also trying to shine light on behaviors instead of allowing SD22 to create splitting dynamics.

[livednlearned]

Have you presented it to him as the flip side?  "If SD22 is not suicidal, then why is it necessary for you to be constantly available to text with her?"  "If SD22 is not suicidal, then why are you jumping through so many hoops for her?"   

Yes, he's full ostrich. Although in unguarded moments ( not just with me, also with himself) he will admit that he's in over his head, that there's something in addition to the bipolar dx, that her anxiety is extreme.

There is knowing, and then there is knowing, admitting to yourself that action is necessary.

She has him in a headlock. That probably terrifies both of them.

[formflier]

Much of what you've posted is showing that H is enabling in these ways because he if terrified that SD22 is suicidal.  

Hey...perhaps my point didn't come through.  I think in the short run the way forward is to "ignore" the reasons for "terror"..."ostrich"..."anxiety". 

He could be terrified because the flying monkeys have formed an alliance with pink gorillas...it really doesn't matter.  The point is he is terrified...(and locks up to cope).

I'm not at all minimizing SI or it's importance...but (at least to me) it seems obvious nobody in this family is willing to deal with SI and it appears to me it's "terror" that is the insurmountable block.

So...until "terror" (and resulting ostrich) can be consistently dealt with in a different way by all involved (or at least LnL)...I don't see much use in putting much energy into the other topics...very different than ignoring them...it's just not the focus.

In military terms I think we have found "the center of gravity".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_gravity_(military)

According to this article...the COG in this instance is not the source of strength...but the "Achilles heel" (or at least that's how I'm using it). 

LnL...does this ring true for you as you read it?

Best,

FF

 

[formflier]

    I'm pointing out in my own way that being made to feel there is a choice is in itself unhealthy.
 

Hmmm...LnL...do you want to expand on this some?  Can you? 

This set off a magical thinking alert for me (which is unusual in your threads/what you write)...so I've got to believe this came across differently than you intended.

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

I definitely think I'm missing something, which would explain why I feel I'm going in circles. It feels like I haven't lifted my head up high enough off the ground so I can't see the perspective.

Maybe I don't want to address the SI with the master jack knife approach because it could potentially push H into the feeling he has to make a choice? And our relationship could splinter?

I support H, he supports SD22, therefore if I attempt to focus on things SD22 and H don't want, then I'm odd one out?

What would addressing the SI directly look like for you guys? Right down to word choice if possible.

I'm pointing out in my own way that being made to feel there is a choice is in itself unhealthy.

SD22 tries to split people and create factions. I shine light on the social norms and healthy boundaries instead of making it into "you love LnL more than me" or "you love SD22 more than me."

I don't ask H to enforce boundaries that I care about. I go directly to SD22 (new way), and with kindness and matter-of-factness state what I want/need/expect.

I made a fancy meal and froze the leftovers, enough for H and I some night when we didn't have time to cook. Or for me when H was out of town. I told H, "This is for us later."

Then SD22 goes looking for the leftovers, sees they are in the freezer, begins to dig into them with a fork. H sees what is happening and realizes there's a conflict. LnL wants one thing, SD22 wants another. He says to her, "Well I guess ok, we were saving this for Thursday night but here let me help you get some."

I come in and say, "Hey guys, that's for Thursday. SD22 there's some other stuff here that you're welcome to have."

That's social norm stuff. I bought the ingredients, I found the recipe, I made the dinner, I froze it, I flagged it for how we would use it later.

It's not a choice.

I could've said, "You always let SD22 have what she wants, you're so mean to me, you love her best, etc."

Instead it's just, "No and here's why."

[formflier]

I definitely think I'm missing something, which would explain why I feel I'm going in circles. 

I sense this as well...which is why I've been giving a lot of thought to this thread/issue.

I would also say on some things you are a bit too hard on yourself (such as going in circles).  I'm much more a fan of "finding my way".

It's not that you are "lost"...it's that you realizing there are massive consequences and you are looking for a "best" or "better" way...because you know enough to understand your hubby's methods (or anything close to it)..are likely the problem and not the solution.

Yet...being that you've never gone down this path before...you are "finding your way"..."planning your trip" first.

This is the LnL that  organized her "book of doom" and successfully marched through the divorce/custody process. 

I don't want to characterize the current process and worse or better...but I do want to characterize it as "different"..and "no less important".  (Peoples lives literally are on the line)

You can do this...you can find your way.  A large part of that is realizing "admitting" that you don't know the way at the moment. (I think you do this to an extent)

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Ok finding my way, then  

What I need to get clear in my heart and head is whether I'm skirting the SI jackknife because I want to handle the whole thing strategically, smoothly, effectively, or whether I'm dancing around it because a direct approach will upset my marriage.

It could be both.

There is also not knowing what a direct approach looks like. I did the elephant in the room talk with H and SD25, but separately. Maybe there needs to be a family meeting with all three of us next? What prevents me from doing that is H occupying the presumed "leader" role when it comes to guiding SD22. Except he's part of the codependent dysfunction. SD25 and I are seeing things eye-to-eye but we are for different reasons deferring to H.

My T is the one who suggested seeing an SI intervention specialist but then came up empty-handed when I asked for help finding someone who did that.

[formflier]

Ok finding my way, then  

It would be one thing if you have been down this path before.  You have been down a similar path where organizational skills and consistency were needed...but the differences here are more than nuance.

What I need to get clear in my heart and head is whether I'm skirting the SI jackknife because I want to handle the whole thing strategically, smoothly, effectively, or whether I'm dancing around it because a direct approach will upset my marriage.

Or ..is your marriage upset (or perhaps another term) (let's just say your marriage isn't what you would like it to be in this area...and there is a valid worry that it could get "worse"...it could also get "better)

Frankly...I don't see a functional marriage..at least in this area.  (I don't mean to be harsh..but frank)

It could be both.

It's definitely not one or the other...these are complicated things.  I'm convinced that SI is still the most important issue...however...I don't see any pathway to effectively address SI while your husband is "actively feeding the monster".  No "diet" will work...when he is "sneaking her treats"

There is also not knowing what a direct approach looks like. I did the elephant in the room talk with H and SD25, but separately. Maybe there needs to be a family meeting with all three of us next? What prevents me from doing that is H occupying the presumed "leader" role when it comes to guiding SD22. Except he's part of the codependent dysfunction (he is the source...not part of it). SD25 and I are seeing things eye-to-eye but we are for different reasons deferring to H.

I'm not suggesting others don't play a part in the dysfunction...but if your remove your hubby's training/teaching her to do this...things will change in a major way.  All the others are "bit players" (including you...but I think you are the #2 person in this..)

Can you take some time and describe the "elephant in the room talk with SD25 and with your hubby"?  Describe the results of those talks as well.

My T is the one who suggested seeing an SI intervention specialist but then came up empty-handed when I asked for help finding someone who did that.

This is disappointing..have you readdressed this with your T?  Why not ask your T is she can fill that role..at least for a meeting or two...vice catching someone new up on the situation?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

T is not trained in SI intervention. I asked and she deferred. We haven't looped back because I haven't pressed. Sometimes I tire of talking about SD22  

Our marriage is becoming more functional. You're right that currently it is hobbled by the SD22. I'm encouraged by the progress and have a sense it's going in the right direction, mainly because I am finding paths forward that have positive effects.

When I talked to T about saying bluntly to H, "You know --- you know -- that SD22 has BPD like her mom," T says he seems like a lot of guys who will feel it's too direct, causing a defensive crouch and resistance. Her suggestion is to say, "My T cannot dx SD22, however she seems to think SD22 is textbook. What do you think?"

Except I know H, he will say, "She's correct, she cannot dx SD22."

Then I'm back to the two sentence window to discuss SD22 before he shuts down.

I do have hope a marriage counselor could help *translate* things in a way where H hears without feeling defensive. We don't have one, and I know there are many out there who aren't good.

I'm planning on asking him to try to not respond to SD22 when we are out hiking or in the wilderness (vacation coming up). To work with me and sit with his feelings and figure out what's going on with him when this happens. And to ask him if he can please arrange one time each day to talk to SD22 so I can make other plans while they talk. That's my more immediate goal.

In the relaxed tenor of this vacation I'm hoping there will be an opportunity to talk about the SI more productively, as well as her evaluation.

I agree with my T that both H and SD22 know she is BPD and are terrified, because then she's like BPD mom, who is in many ways far worse.

[formflier]

Our marriage is becoming more functional. You're right that currently it is hobbled by the SD22. I'm encouraged by the progress and have a sense it's going in the right direction, mainly because I am finding paths forward that have positive effects.
 

Hey...sometimes looking at things in a different way is hard. 

SD22 isn't hobbling your marriage at all...zip zero NADA.

Your husband is the one doing that...or if I was being overly generous I might say "allowing SD22" to hobble your marriage (in that area)

I don't think looking at it from a generous perspective is helpful...and I doubt it's accurate.

Solve your hubby dysfunction and SD22 most likely resolves.  Resolve SD22 and I doubt your hubby's dysfunction towards her resolves.

Listen...your marriage is likely becoming more functional in other areas (I don't have enough info to judge one way or another..).  That being said, I think there is an argument to be made that the "net" with regards to your hubby and his children is "negative" over the past period of time..measured in months.

Can you point to areas where he has improved or tossed a crumb your way..absolutely...there is no denying it...nor any use trying to.

Are there other areas where it appears (to me) to be getting worse or he is using the crumb to avoid the elephant...I think that is just as undeniable.

So..yes there is improvement and yes there is backsliding and I think the "net" is a far worse position (more negative) position.

Many people including professionals trained in this area are worried about SD22s life...literally...and the net result of the effort over the past few weeks/months is...?

Is that a "functional" area of your marriage?

Hard stuff to look at...  

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

lnl, what would happen if you were to sit your husband down and say "Every day that we don't act to address SD22's SI, we are putting her in danger.  She is crying out for help - to her therapists, to her sister, to you.  If we continue to do what we are doing, if we don't address this as a family and get her help, there is a strong possibility that your daughter will die."

And then walk away for a few hours.

You'd have to have a plan ready on exactly what steps to take next, in case that shocks him into listening.  He cannot be relied on to lead.

[GaGrl]

I don't know when school starts where you live, but here we are already approaching teacher prep days. School starts on August 6!

I am concerned that SD22 not having gotten a job by school start is going to send her spinning, so addressing the SO soon becomes more and more critical.

[formflier]

  He cannot be relied on to lead.

Or to get out of the way...or to "stop feeding the monster".

I initially was a fan of LnL doing the SI thing if her hubby wouldn't do it (been several weeks back).  Part of her "splashing water".

The more I look at the dynamics in place..I would only recommend that if hubby explicitly agrees to NOT act in ways that undo what LnL might do...or act in ways that "feed the monster" (such as essentially unlimited access via text..showing up with little notice..etc etc..basically the entire dynamic)

Switching gears.  My wife is a teacher.  Most of the hiring is done.  Sure stuff comes up..but most teachers are focused on being ready...and finding a last summer fling with their family.

For us August 9th is back at it full time for teachers.

SD22 has gotten interviews and consistent feedback about anxiety presentation.  I've hired lots of people...it's a two thought street.  Find the people you need...avoid people you don't need..even to the point of letting a position stay open...

It sounds to me like SD22 is presenting in such a way that she is in the later category. 

I was hopeful that a job offer would put a positive spin on things (and it still may...but is becoming increasingly unlikely).  Add to that...that her core dynamic with her family appears to be becoming more entrenched...  Well..I don't see "net change" coming.

I hope I'm wrong about all of this...but I find scant evidence to suggest an alternate outcome.

Best,

FF

[wendydarling]

Hiya LnL   

You have your vacation coming, I agree with you and worriedmom.

what would happen if you were to sit your husband down and say "Every day that we don't act to address SD22's SI, we are putting her in danger.  She is crying out for help - to her therapists, to her sister, to you.  If we continue to do what we are doing, if we don't address this as a family and get her help, there is a strong possibility ….

Your H needs your help, your strength and wisdom. For you to lead, for you to release him, to feel your love and kindness for him and your blended family. Can you put the above in your own words...

He trusts you. I think he's waiting, for you.

WDx

[formflier]

Can you put the above in your own words...

He trusts you. I think he's waiting, for you.

WDx

Yes...double yes to this.  And also I would encourage you to add to this that you may not totally understand his perspective...and you want to listen "right now".

I think the proposed part should come first about "every day we delay.." should come first...and somehow work in at the end that you are open to "not understanding"..and wanting to.

Be prepared for this to be long, because I doubt he is going to come out and say "I have meeting schedule with SD22 T...or something like that."  

I think you may hear denial..ostrich...and fear.  I would hope that you can skip over the first two.denial and ostrich...and listen and validate fear.  (this is where you are going to have to bring A game).

Yes there will be a lot of SE..before the T...but don't let the T get lost.  

Perhaps not making it personal to SD22 will help.  Positioning may matter as well.  Likely best not to look him in the eyes or be directly across from him...off to one side is better.  That way you can both stare of into space and "wonder" together about a best way forward for "people that suffer from SI" or "extreme anxiety".  I'd say start with extreme anxiety.  

"Boy...I wonder what a T would say is the best way to support someone that suffers so much from anxiety..."

then listen for a while.

Note:  Support is code for an action...a different action.  Remember to create explicit..specific follow up dates that are a matter of days away.  



Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

He trusts you. I think he's waiting, for you.

Can you say more about this WD?

I could use some wind in my sails.

How is he waiting for me?

We talked at dinner one night about BPD, in general. It started with talk about splitting, something he experiences at work with severe cases. Then me saying like ASD, there seems to be a spectrum of severity, how stigmatized the disorder is, how it's called emotion regulation disorder in Europe, etc. etc. I guess ... softening up the conversation, working from the outside in 

I am thinking about the concrete next steps, because I know H and he will say, So what am I supposed to do if SD22 is chronically suicidal or BPD?

And my thought is, "You call SD22's T and say, We need to work together. This is my daughter's life, you mentioned SI three times in our conversation and I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to address that concern. It comes first. My wife and SD25 think SD22 has BPD in addition to whatever, whether it is ASD or bipolar or some kind of anxiety disorder. SD22 is about to start an intense year as first-year teacher in sped. She needs to be evaluated before this and in more intensive treatment while she transitions to her job. What thoughts do you have about ways to have her evaluated or treated for SI?"

Thoughts?

Tomorrow night is when I want to bring it up.

[formflier]

I like the proposed statement...yet I would challenge you to cut out half the words.  Since this is likely emotional for both (especially him)...focus on the main points and let the rest get sorted out later.

work together with T (this is most critical)  SI 3 times.  Full evaluation. 

All the rest seems to pale in comparison of importance..

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[wendydarling]

Softening up conversation 

How is he waiting for me?

it's the what that follows below. It's all the preparation you've been doing, the 'concrete' steps.

I know H and he will say, So what am I supposed to do if SD22 is chronically suicidal or BPD?

Aside from concrete steps, what does H need to hear to feel confidence and hope and to know things can get better for SD22 because they certainly can, just that LnL they can get better. I think he needs to hear this, to get the wind in his sail and yours. I also feel he may need you by his side. "You call SD22's T and say.." I'd offer to join that conversation or both go together, to get this in motion. I say this as it can be a desperately lonely place and I had the support of my DD's amazing friend, oiling the wheels for me and hugely optimistic at every turn, it became positively infectious. That's what I needed, DD too. She's flying now...SD22 can too.

You know, how to get the best outcome. 

WDx

[livednlearned]

I would challenge you to cut out half the words.

 

I asked H last night if we could have an 8 paragraph conversation instead of 2 sentences, to talk about SD22.

He laughed. We are both relaxed, the trip has been great.

I probably covered everything in 6 paragraphs, and then couldn't help myself and did a few follow up ones, taking every last word count offered.

At the beginning of the trip we agreed to only talk about our kids during dinner, so we could focus on being together. Which was a good strategy, and we didn't even talk about them during dinner until last night. I made the first move, of course.

What surprised me is the emotion I felt, tears welling up and everything. We talked about SD22 and SI, and also me: "she deserves to feel her life is worth living." It is so hard to bear witness to that level of pain. The SI is serious, and so is feeling ok when she's alone.

As predicted, H needed a plan. I'm glad I had something in my back pocket otherwise I think the night would've ended up with us thousands of miles apart.

H agreed to call SD22's T when we're back, and agreed to have me there. I even have permission to prod gently if things go to phone tag. Always have a nagging clause in the verbal contract.

So steady as she goes, we made some progress. H is with me.  

You guys are the best!

Also, SD22 has had two job offers. We are exhaling.

[GaGrl]

Oh, LnL...that is all wonderful news!

I like the restriction on a specific time to talk about children. At any given time, 3 out of 4 of our adult children have something going on. We try to keep dinners free of the kids and tend to talk about them on evening walks. Otherwise, it can be overwhelming. My DH's stress level rises noticeably with his daughter and granddaughter who are in a household with a high functioning alcoholic.

Keeping you in my thoughts...

Gagrl

[worriedStepmom]

That sounds like excellent progress!

and good for SD22 for getting two job offers!  I hope that one of them will be a good fit for her.

My H and I had a long weekend away together, in a cabin with no internet or phone service.  It was heaven and really helped us reconnect after all of the stress.  I hope that this trip was just as powerful for you and H.

[formflier]

Wonderful news!

The job offers are massive news as well.  Transitioning to an adult life of caring or yourself, providing for yourself...can handle many of these issues, especially if people step back and let her handle the successes and failures..herself.

I really like describing the conversation request in "paragraph" length description...I'm going to use that i the future.

Best,

FF

[wendydarling]

Yes! LnL I am so happy for you, this is all wonderful news. Made my day!

What surprised me is the emotion I felt, tears welling up and everything

You showed H how much you care, SD22 deserves a life worth living, it's so hard to bear witness to that level of pain. You stood in SD22 shoes, you made her case for her (your family too). Powerful, compassionate words and feelings LnL.   

Permission to prod is granted, made me 

And 2 job offers. 

Happy hols.

WDx

[formflier]

Any updates on job offers/acceptance?

How are you and hubby doing with communication about SD22?

Best,

FF

[wendydarling]

FF I was wondering too, you beat me to it  

Likely LnL is 'chiselling' her way. I do that too as it's effective for me  

WDx

[livednlearned]

Aaaaaand, we're off  


SD22 is here in the house. She came down for SD25's graduation. Her job starts in 2 weeks. She stays until Thursday. BF is coming down Wed night, leaving Thurs.

H consulted with me about the visit  

I was also successfully able to get H off a speaker phone call with SD22 on Friday night while driving to our date night outing when SD22 called to vent about a nothingburger.

I know it's a small win! It also felt like getting the wheels back on the road.

H tried to get SD22 off the phone, "Honey I'm driving in a lot of traffic, everything's going to be ok. I can't wait to see you tomorrow, let's talk then." Resistance from SD22. H repeatedly saying, "Let's talk tomorrow. I love you, it'll be ok." Me signaling the wrap it up sign when SD22 kept pressing to talk.

Some tension from H, "People talk on speakerphones in the car all the time, LnL."

Me: "We're not talking about people. We are talking about me -- I don't like to be held captive to a phone call with anyone while driving in your car. I can't tune out, can't listen to the radio, can't talk to you. And we're on a date. She's going to be ok -- you'll see her tomorrow."

We got through it. Date night was great, a little booster following the vacation.

Today, I wrote down the three things that H will discuss with SD22's T. I shared them with my T, who encouraged me to be there for the call, to make sure that everything is being addressed.

For H to say to SD22's T:

1. Both you and SD22's psychiatrist have said that she is chronically suicidal. What advice do you have for me about how I can best support her? Is there a safety plan template or interventionist expert who can help us prepare an effective safety net for her? She has a history of calling all family members when she expresses suicidality. It’s difficult for us to know when to worry and how or when to act. What are your recommendations for me?

2. Independent of each other, several family members have suspected that SD22 exhibits significant traits of borderline personality disorder, in addition to possible autistic traits. SD22's mother is believed to have borderline personality disorder. Same with my sister, and potentially my mother. This leads me to my next question for you.

3. SD22 has not had any evaluation in 6 years when she psychotic as a teenager. With that in mind, can you help me understand what a full psychiatric evaluation entails, and how might we together encourage SD22 to move forward with a full evaluation?

On a positive note, H has repeatedly asked for help writing down what to say to SD22's T. He is not appeasing me, he is with me on this.

The 3 points are likely more blunt than what he would like to say, so that's a bit of a hurdle. My T has said, "Then do the talking for him."

[formflier]

My T has said, "Then do the talking for him."

I like your T...  

Definitely push him to say it himself...but you need to be prepared to make sure they get said and make sure the T "reflects" back...or the question is actually answered. 

Not a place for unclarity.

The things you have written down are not thing to be "compromised" on or watered down.  

I would encourage you to add some language to the full eval request.

Full eval (looking to see what can be found)

and also

Make sure the person doing the evaluation is going to "rule out" (fill in the blank) (BPD) being present.

Note:  I've had this type of evaluation myself.  (boy...that was a long time ago).  My wife was convinced I "had to" have something more than PTSD (service related).  Somehow she was convinced I was bipolar.  

So...in the writeup they said "FF has PTSD" and they also said "we know FF does not have bi-polar because (ref this test result and this test result..etc etc)

Last:  Super proud of you standing up for yourself on date night!  I got the vibe he was trying to minimize your needs and maximize SD22s needs...and you stood up for yourself.  Did he ever circle back and reflect on this some more?  

Best,

FF