Taunted

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Reading these forums and seeing the way others have dealt with BPDs shows me there is a lot more to BPD than I knew. And it's been a great help. So, with a greater understanding each day, I shoud be able to understand my uBPD and her behaviors a little more but this one gets me... .

While disconnecting she taunted me with many things. This taunt is my favorite and it came out of nowhere while we were talking about something else:

"I want a handbag dog, Breed XYZ" (sorry, I can't remember the breed). When her son's father bought him a dog, she said "no dogs in this house" and all of a sudden, out of the blue, she wants a dog.

Well, the new guy has a little dog (of that breed no doubt) and the dog was inside the house when I went to get my things (as was the guy with his baseball bat).

Why these silly little taunts? The fact that she was enjoying it, knowing she had one over me and knowing where it was leading upset me today when I thought of it. Until now, I have not been upset over the separation at all but it made me sick to think how sick her mind is and how she could have enjoyed doing that.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, why do they do it?

[Aussie0zborn]

Reading these forums and seeing the way others have dealt with BPDs shows me there is a lot more to BPD than I knew. And it's been a great help. So, with a greater understanding each day, I shoud be able to understand my uBPD and her behaviors a little more but this one gets me... .

While disconnecting she taunted me with many things. This taunt is my favorite and it came out of nowhere while we were talking about something else:

"I want a handbag dog, Breed XYZ" (sorry, I can't remember the breed). When her son's father bought him a dog, she said "no dogs in this house" and all of a sudden, out of the blue, she wants a dog.

Well, the new guy has a little dog (of that breed no doubt) and the dog was inside the house when I went to get my things (as was the guy with his baseball bat).

Why these silly little taunts? The fact that she was enjoying it, knowing she had one over me and knowing where it was leading upset me today when I thought of it. Until now, I have not been upset over the separation at all but it made me sick to think how sick her mind is and how she could have enjoyed doing that.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, why do they do it?

[ron7127]

She does this, simply, because she is an a-hole ( the proper term for personality disordered types, used before the DSM got all fancy with diagnostic labels).

These folks are a-holes, plain and simple. Trying to uderstand them and the genesis of their F'd up behaviors is futile. Thye are a-holes(did I mention they are a-holes?).

[Perfidy]

Ok that's funny! A-holes! Yup I must agree. From my experience its almost as though there is some vendetta going on in their minds. I did notice that my exBPD spoke of things that only went on in her mind and nowhere else. She didn't ask me what my feelings were she TOLD me what my feelings were. What she told me never matched what I was feeling. So I refer to the description of BPD and it all makes sense. Borderline not between disorder and sanity. Borderline between neurosis and psychosis. Serious stuff. A-holes for sure and at times dangerous ones at that.

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Family,

     I kind of have to wonder a bit on this a-hole meme.  I was a very long time N/C until she came to work with me a few months ago. She carefully planned and executed a description of her latest love in my presence along with the specific mention of him as her "other half", a term we here all know well from our idealization phase with these nice folks.  Why did she do that? I've made it a point to be strictly business with her, as I must if I want to keep my job.

    I always want to understand her motivation for what she says so that I can try to control the situation with her vis-a-vis painting me black, etc. as it would mean losing a job I really like if she did that.  Yet, I just can't figure this out.  She can't have a r/s with me (it would mean her job, too, if she even tried), she doesn't need to see if I'm "on the line" or "in the box" on her shelf  since she has almost total control of me here at work, anyway; and, as I mentioned, she can't recycle anyway as it would be a risk for her (heaven forbid anything should be a risk to her). Why, then?  She spent the best part of a fairly long and important meeting looking at me and figuring out logistics, I think, to be sure I'd get the message, so it was important to her.  It's been many years since we even spoke and we didn't have any harsh words either way when we split (after a relatively short r/s), so I don't get a revenge motive.  The best I've been able to come up with is that she feels so inferior that she is just trying to make me envy her 'great' r/s.  If she only knew how much pity I feel for someone our age who still believes in that "soul mate" and "other half" cr@p. (if I had an other half, I think that would imply I'm only half a person, so maybe it's closer to what they are feeling than what we're feeling). 

     What do you folks think? ... . trying to show off, deeper planning for a future recycle or just an ill mind acting in a way a sane(ish) mind can't understand (or just an a-hole)?

LT     

[Learning_curve74]

I think BPDers have a subconscious need for conflict and drama. It probably helps alleviate the numbing emptiness they feel. My BPDex told me it was better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all. I'm sure the conflict and drama probably also plays other roles when it involves people the BPD is/was involved with.

[Perfidy]

Lao Tzu I am going to have to go with the being sane answer. PwBPD aren't sane. It's a serious condition. They most of the time think that nothing is wrong with them. They are allowed to be in society as long as they are not a danger to themselves or anyone else. When they interact on an intimate level with another person the insanity becomes a factor.

[Juliecelle]

ron7127,

Your comment is hilarious! You made my day in a sick sort of way   

[papawapa]

I would chalk the whole dog thing to her not having a true sense of self. Who they are and what they are into can change like the wind.

[Lao Tzu]

Thanks My Family!

     I just don't trust my own judgement when it comes to imputing motives to her behavior.  Like many on these boards I overread a lot, and in most of the important ways (emotionally) I don't care what the deelio actually is.  The challenge here is that I have to be very careful how I step since, as we all know, very few people have any idea about pwBPD, so HR would punt me out instantly    if she made up one little thing bad about me. 

     So, thanks to all for your input; you are my best (OK, only) resource!

LT

 

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you of your answers - I had a quick look before going to sleep last night and slept like a baby, so thanks again.  Putting it down to being an ___hole, the vendetta in her mind, and not having a true sense of self all resonate with me.

Her vendetta has ramped up and seeing as I collected my things with force and with police assistance, she has changed the password on our holiday properties listing website so that I don't know what our bookings are and I don't know where the rental money is going.  This sense of entitlement is all part of her vendetta. Yes, she is an ___hole.

[GreenMango]

Reading these forums and seeing the way others have dealt with BPDs shows me there is a lot more to BPD than I knew. And it's been a great help. So, with a greater understanding each day, I shoud be able to understand my uBPD and her behaviors a little more but this one gets me... .

While disconnecting she taunted me with many things. This taunt is my favorite and it came out of nowhere while we were talking about something else:

"I want a handbag dog, Breed XYZ" (sorry, I can't remember the breed). When her son's father bought him a dog, she said "no dogs in this house" and all of a sudden, out of the blue, she wants a dog.

Well, the new guy has a little dog (of that breed no doubt) and the dog was inside the house when I went to get my things (as was the guy with his baseball bat).

Why these silly little taunts? The fact that she was enjoying it, knowing she had one over me and knowing where it was leading upset me today when I thought of it. Until now, I have not been upset over the separation at all but it made me sick to think how sick her mind is and how she could have enjoyed doing that.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, why do they do it?

I'm a little confused is it because she changed her mind and got a dog? Is it because she got a dog with another guy?  I'm not sure getting this pet is as personal and vindictive as it seems.  Sounds like she changed her mind. 

I'm wondering about the taunting?  why do you feel taunted?  Generally when I think of taunting it has some kind degrading or insulting purpose behind it. 

Aussie if you got a dog after a breakup and changed a few things in your life like a pet I wouldn't think you were being an taunting  a-hole... . just finding ways to deal with the new life.

Now as for the rental property and hiding income - you need a lawyer.  These kind of shenanigans could be illegal.  Are you in contact with one?  It's real easy to fall into the conflict cycle, especially over inane crap like pets, and get mired in larger longterm issues like division of property.   Don't screw the pooch here, divorce is like business and try to keep your head out the emotional tit for tat and emotional vulnerability of getting looped into her life if you can (we all know how hard this is and been there) because you end up getting lost in the small stuff.  Like the forest through the trees. 

Your future is important.

[Aussie0zborn]

Hi Mango,

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate the 'wood for the trees' advice.

Sometimes you need to be in it to feel and see it and passers by don't see a thing. This is something they're good at because we enable it, but I digress.

The bit about the dog is that she HATES dogs and would never have one. Her son at age 7 was given a dog by his father and even with so many tears the boy was not allowed to bring the dog home. It was a big issue in our house.

Now, while disconnecting with me and reviewing instances that "prove" I never loved her, this comes up. She had obviously been to the new guy's place and as they do, showed a liking to everything including his little dog. The new guy moved in the same day I left and brought the dog with him, something she was probably counting on.

That's what makes me sick - she had envisioned it already, just like the fairy tale life that I wouldn't give her due to my inability to get over the profound smear campaign, stealing my check book with her friends encouraging her to use it, getting a refund for faulty electrical work I personally paid for directed to her personal bank account and not telling me about it, etc, etc.

She also told me about the new guy. She hit onto him after her first marriage failed. He was a friend of her husband's. He apparently told her if they have sex they will lose their friendship. She was angry with the rejection and didn't talk to him for 10 years. I heard this story in the beginning and I was hearing it again now. For what reason, I didn't know until I found him in my house with a baseball bat and worked out that this is the same guy.

All this is against the backdrop of me saying for a month, "let's just shake hands and walk away" but no, she needed to keep me there to play her little games and bring me to feel what I'm feeling now  In case you missed my story, she rang him blind drunk at 2.00am in front of me, told him "it's time" and warned me to get out of the house before he got there. She called him again and handed me the phone when he said, "I'm going to hit you so hard your mother is going to feel it". Knowing she was on a downhill spiral, bent on revenge for me leaving her 18months earlier and how dangerous she can be, I got out of there.

So not shaking hands when it was offered, keeping me there listening to all these things that made no sense until now add up to one big taunt. Another little thing, she was late home from lunch with her workmate because she offered to drive the workmate's friend home to the other side of town. That is something she would NEVER do.

I also babysat her son while she went for an 8pm drive in a neighbours new car and turned her phone off.  She didn't  realise the neighbor told me in her presence they were going to the club and wanted to know how I knew where to find her.  At 1.00am I went to the local club to get her, thinking she would be blind drunk. She WASNT but the new guy was with them. And I wasn't even introduced to him! I copped a lot of crap for some weeks.

For seven years I suggested we go that local club with its restaurants, cafes, entertainment venues etc but it was too downmarket for her and she point blank refused to be seen there. We could only go the Hilton for dinner or drinks and now, there she was... . at the local club.

At the same time she suggested that if we separate it would be unlikely that I would say "no" to a booty call. She had no idea how wrong her assumption was but how she thought this would fit I to her plan of destruction is, to my mind, delusional.

I'm seeing my T tomorrow and the lawyer is onto the holiday properties.

[GreenMango]

She behaves badly.  It's good to know when to throw in the towel.

Just know something that her doing this doesn't reflect on your worth, it doesn't mean that you weren't good enough... . when someone does things like this there's some serious issues at play.  Blinding drunk repeatedly for example.  This speaks very loudly about her though.

Extricate yourself from her antics.  Depersonalise this crap as much as you can.  Look at the facts.

[seeking balance]

The bit about the dog is that she HATES dogs and would never have one. Her son at age 7 was given a dog by his father and even with so many tears the boy was not allowed to bring the dog home. It was a big issue in our house.

Now, while disconnecting with me and reviewing instances that "prove" I never loved her, this comes up. She had obviously been to the new guy's place and as they do, showed a liking to everything including his little dog. The new guy moved in the same day I left and brought the dog with him, something she was probably counting on.

Aussie - I do know it is hard trying to pry ourselves away from these relationships and figuring out our own self worth while in the process.

As GM says - depersonalize and look at the facts.

This new guy and dog is NOT ABOUT YOU.   Repeat this over and over until you believe it.

pwBPD have an unstable sense of self - this is a fact of the disorder.  So, your ex is simply doing what a lot of pwBPD do - they move on quickly and attach quickly to someone new so that she soothes that anxiety within her... . a very real, fear - can you imagine actually not having a stable sense of self?  This not about you at all.

My guess, the dog and new guy situation FEELS taunting to you - and trust me, when I was newly here I thought this stuff was all personal too - but what I learned about the disorder is she probably believes all this new stuff as if it were completely normal and sane.  She will not see it the same way that you do - she is not capable.

So, what can you do now?

Let yourself grieve and find the silver lining in this rain cloud.  Get your L and a T - the best you can afford - and move forward with your life.

You will be ok - as GM says, remove yourself from the chaos.

Peace,

SB

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you for your replies. I understand this doesn't diminish my self worth but not having worried about anything until this thought crossed my mind a couple of days ago I was annoyed that it should now worry me. That's why I'm going to see my T today.

It simply makes me sick that she needed to taunt me.  The taunts started with "I have a lover" a month earlier. When I finally responded to that, asking if it was true, I was painted black.

Anyway, after she assaulted my daughter and a police officer, the police  took a restraining order out against my daughter becuse the wife, a Deputy Principal at the local school, and the lover, a convicted drug dealer, were according to the police "more believable" than my six witnesses. The following day they took one out against me.  We are in court tomorrow and we will be contesting it and following through with restraining orders against them. Can't wait to see them :-)

So again, yes I know this is all her and her BPD and the is nothing I could have done about it. I regret allowing myself to sit in the line of fire and that's probably what I am beating myself up over.

[Mush06]

Yep Aus, it's all mind games. I'm trying to detach with limited contact that is replying to txts. My 13yr old d was at a hockey trip over wkend not sure if he remembered this but at 2.30am I received a txt saying 'you didn't take long to move on' I was thankfully asleep didn't read it until the morning.mi replied what u on about and he said his side of the bed was still warm... . hello wise up. He proceded saying what I expect when he wants to the chance to put things right. To me that just proves nothing has changed at all. My gate was rattled during the night and he was seen about my area, what is intimidating me gonna achieve.

Mind games, rise above them Aus. B happy she's moved on.

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you Mush. Mind games, they were and so glad to be out of it.

We now have the legal games with first court appearance earlier today. More to follow.

[GreenMango]

Aussie you mentioned a child.  :)on't treat this as a game and don't get looped into like a game to win, even if she does.   There's only losers in this game at the end of it this way.  Try to establish reasonable and stable for yourselves, be willing to compromise where its reasonable, and know when to let go.  

Be a good leader for that kid.  Exemplify what a wise man does.  Your kid will notice in all that chaos is someone who's able to make good decisions and is reliable.  This is really comforting to kids.  They may not say but they know it.

Wishing you and your child a calmer future.  Keep moving forward.