Acceptance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Going through some of the things my ex said in our last big fight:

"I know I'm toxic."

"I'm f****d up."

"I was completely dysfunctional in my romantic relationships"

"What I had was you was something, but I'm so ashamed of it that I'm just completely blocking it out."

"My emotions are selfish"

"I've never loved anyone."

"Things like loyalty and keeping promises are important to me but I was a hypocrite."

"I love so immensely... .I don't know why it never lasts."

"I try to hurt the people who hurt me."

Of course, she also said some devaluing things to me ("You weren't good enough for me that's why it didn't work), but I said some nasty things to her too and honestly when she reacts to things I say that I shouldn't I don't take the responses seriously.  I know she's just retaliating.  And she said how she really thinks she can be better and things will be different now in her life going forward; some of the things above were in the past tense because she thinks she's a new person now.  And maybe she is really trying to be better.  It must be painful to live that way.

My point: she basically told me "I'm BPD."  She handed it all to me on a silver platter.  She knows what BPD is and if you pointed this out to her she'd lose it, but that's beside the point. 

I know who she is and how toxic she is to me and others, and I'm wholly committed now to keeping her out of my life.  I see the person I loved is not the real person, just and idea, and the real person is a person who is bad for people.  I see that the things she said to and "felt" for me are just what she says to and "feels" for every guy.  I see there is nothing to take personally, that of course no one has ever been "good enough."  I see that the reason the relationship failed is that literally all her relationships, of all types, have failed.

Still,  I know that despite all of this, I will have a day, or days, when my acceptance wavers.  When I'm sad or lonely and I think back to how she made me feel and I just want to try to get it back.  When I'm angry about something and struggling to soothe and I want her to soothe me.  So, I writing this down to remind myself of the reality.  If she can be honest about it (she may forget or deny saying or meaning any of this, but for a moment she was honest), then I can be. 

Even with all of the knowledge right in front of your face, acceptance of the disorder can be so so hard.  Thoughts about why this is?

[BacknthSaddle]

Going through some of the things my ex said in our last big fight:

"I know I'm toxic."

"I'm f****d up."

"I was completely dysfunctional in my romantic relationships"

"What I had was you was something, but I'm so ashamed of it that I'm just completely blocking it out."

"My emotions are selfish"

"I've never loved anyone."

"Things like loyalty and keeping promises are important to me but I was a hypocrite."

"I love so immensely... .I don't know why it never lasts."

"I try to hurt the people who hurt me."

Of course, she also said some devaluing things to me ("You weren't good enough for me that's why it didn't work), but I said some nasty things to her too and honestly when she reacts to things I say that I shouldn't I don't take the responses seriously.  I know she's just retaliating.  And she said how she really thinks she can be better and things will be different now in her life going forward; some of the things above were in the past tense because she thinks she's a new person now.  And maybe she is really trying to be better.  It must be painful to live that way.

My point: she basically told me "I'm BPD."  She handed it all to me on a silver platter.  She knows what BPD is and if you pointed this out to her she'd lose it, but that's beside the point. 

I know who she is and how toxic she is to me and others, and I'm wholly committed now to keeping her out of my life.  I see the person I loved is not the real person, just and idea, and the real person is a person who is bad for people.  I see that the things she said to and "felt" for me are just what she says to and "feels" for every guy.  I see there is nothing to take personally, that of course no one has ever been "good enough."  I see that the reason the relationship failed is that literally all her relationships, of all types, have failed.

Still,  I know that despite all of this, I will have a day, or days, when my acceptance wavers.  When I'm sad or lonely and I think back to how she made me feel and I just want to try to get it back.  When I'm angry about something and struggling to soothe and I want her to soothe me.  So, I writing this down to remind myself of the reality.  If she can be honest about it (she may forget or deny saying or meaning any of this, but for a moment she was honest), then I can be. 

Even with all of the knowledge right in front of your face, acceptance of the disorder can be so so hard.  Thoughts about why this is?

[myself]

Even with all of the knowledge right in front of your face, acceptance of the disorder can be so so hard.  Thoughts about why this is?

Because we just don't want it to be true.

Because we loved and cared about our exes.

Because we love and care about ourselves.

[seeking balance]

Such a well thought out and articulated post... .I think most members have had this same basic question.

Even with all of the knowledge right in front of your face, acceptance of the disorder can be so so hard.  Thoughts about why this is?

There were moments of good, our own black/white thinking limits us regarding the disorder at times.

The hard truth, it is not the disorder you are accepting - it is the grief of someone you deeply loved and the realization the relationship is over... .

We realize we cannot control, nothing we do can change the fact this was out of our hands from the beginning and that is hard to accept.  Coupled with the fact most people on leaving are feeling deep hurt for maybe the first time and learning to understand their own emotions, accepting the loss is hard.

There is a point where BPD, understanding the illness, moves from understanding facts to our own barrier to feeling the pain... .leaning into pain is very hard work indeed.

Good question!

SB

[BacknthSaddle]

The hard truth, it is not the disorder you are accepting - it is the grief of someone you deeply loved and the realization the relationship is over... .

We realize we cannot control, nothing we do can change the fact this was out of our hands from the beginning and that is hard to accept. 

Yes, I would agree.  Much of this is the pain that we would experience when acknowledging the loss of any relationship.  The things that make this more challenging with pwBPD, I suppose are:

1) Their willingness and sometimes insistence on keeping the attachment open, leading you to believe that things might go back to the way they were and slowing the process of acceptance

2) The realization that, as you said, this truly was out of our hands from the beginning.  I know that at the beginning of the end, I thought that things simply fell apart due to circumstance (see the 10 things that get you stuck), and at first she reinforced this.  And I have been in relationships that genuinely did fall apart due to circumstance, and I was able to accept that.  But this, it is clear, would have ended the same under any set of circumstances.  That is tough to swallow. 

[Caredverymuch]

The hard truth, it is not the disorder you are accepting - it is the grief of someone you deeply loved and the realization the relationship is over... .

We realize we cannot control, nothing we do can change the fact this was out of our hands from the beginning and that is hard to accept. 

Yes, I would agree.  Much of this is the pain that we would experience when acknowledging the loss of any relationship.  The things that make this more challenging with pwBPD, I suppose are:

1) Their willingness and sometimes insistence on keeping the attachment open, leading you to believe that things might go back to the way they were and slowing the process of acceptance

2) The realization that, as you said, this truly was out of our hands from the beginning.  I know that at the beginning of the end, I thought that things simply fell apart due to circumstance (see the 10 things that get you stuck), and at first she reinforced this.  And I have been in relationships that genuinely did fall apart due to circumstance, and I was able to accept that.  But this, it is clear, would have ended the same under any set of circumstances.  That is tough to swallow. 

Yes that is hard to very swallow.  Incredibly.

The additional reason we remain in this pain is quite easy to understand.  Because we loved.  No level of intellect or immersion in the knowledge of the disorder will remove or lighten the very, very real love we felt for our ex's.  Circumstances aside.  Bpd aside. 

NC and all logic and all the wonders or harshness of time.   We loved.

And we are indeed grieving. The loss of a person, the loss of an incredibly life changing relationship in which we here were very deeply committed to.

Every member on this board is grieving.  Foo and blue print aside.  This is heart aching work.  We fall down 53 times and get up 54.  Of all of the reasons on this earth that relationships end, being left or having to leave because your love for another was too genuine and real is a pain that gripes. And there was absolutely nothing unloving about what we felt and still feel that was going to change this ending.

Thats why. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Every member on this board is grieving.  Foo and blue print aside.  This is heart aching work.  We fall down 53 times and get up 54.  Of all of the reasons on this earth that relationships end, being left or having to leave because your love for another was too genuine and real is a pain that gripes. And there was absolutely nothing unloving about what we felt and still feel that was going to change this ending.

Thats why. 

There is much truth to this.  Also, though, I think there is something very difficult about accepting the fact that we fell in love with someone so profoundly damaged, that perhaps we even saw the damage early but chose to ignore it or, worse, thought we could fix it.  About accepting that we were duped.  No one likes to feel duped, no matter the stakes, and in this case the stakes are very high. 

If the reason things failed was truly that "I was not good enough for her," then a couple things could be true:

1) I really wasn't, which is in line with what I thought in the first place.  Logically I realize that this is far from true, but still it syncs with my previous world view, and I can accept it.

2) I wasn't good enough, so I have something to work on, to get better.  The problem has a solution.

Those are things I can accept.  But what if I was good enough, but I allowed someone into my life, expended countless calories of emotional energy on a person with literally no capacity to love or reciprocate.  Moreover, a person who told me from the beginning that getting involved with her was a mistake?  What kind of fool would I be then?  Now THAT is hard to accept. 

[Caredverymuch]

Every member on this board is grieving.  Foo and blue print aside.  This is heart aching work.  We fall down 53 times and get up 54.  Of all of the reasons on this earth that relationships end, being left or having to leave because your love for another was too genuine and real is a pain that gripes. And there was absolutely nothing unloving about what we felt and still feel that was going to change this ending.

Thats why. 

There is much truth to this.  Also, though, I think there is something very difficult about accepting the fact that we fell in love with someone so profoundly damaged, that perhaps we even saw the damage early but chose to ignore it or, worse, thought we could fix it.  About accepting that we were duped.  No one likes to feel duped, no matter the stakes, and in this case the stakes are very high. 

If the reason things failed was truly that "I was not good enough for her," then a couple things could be true:

1) I really wasn't, which is in line with what I thought in the first place.  Logically I realize that this is far from true, but still it syncs with my previous world view, and I can accept it.

2) I wasn't good enough, so I have something to work on, to get better.  The problem has a solution.

Those are things I can accept.  But what if I was good enough, but I allowed someone into my life, expended countless calories of emotional energy on a person with literally no capacity to love or reciprocate.  Moreover, a person who told me from the beginning that getting involved with her was a mistake?  What kind of fool would I be then?  Now THAT is hard to accept. 

I do feel duped.  As you do too.  How could we not? Its as if it all was one big game until the pBPD felt they had you right where they wanted.  Thats what the gas lighting accomplished backin.  It was worked solidly day and night peppered with such an act of being helpless and needing of our presence in their life.  In fact, it was played perfectly to the tee it seems. A very caring mutual sense of love in which our role was that of the most sought after and valued partner on earth.  It was far from an unconscious  feeling.  It was very conscience.   Very sought after. Rewarded. And very much a goal. They weren't going anywhere until they accomplished that goal.  That mirror was held higher than high. If you logically asked to stop the r/s at this point, knowing there were those red flags and knowing you couldn't ignore how perfect this all felt.  They would have pulled harder. In fact, that is exactly what happened in my case. I woke up for a bit during this idealization and smelled the salts.  I cared a great deal about this person but at the same time could sense a tiny bit of the insensible nature of it all. And I chose to acknowledge it should stop there. 

Oh my, dont ever try to brush a pBPD off with logic during idealization.  You will be swept off your feet and then some with even more attention and soulmate making initiatives that appear sincere and are laced with an immense sense of gentle goodness.  This was my experience. I begged for logic. He would have non of it. It, you see, " was us. And it always had been."

To then be the recipient of the resultant devaluing behaviors most especially the witnesses of being immediately replaced.  Discarded. And erased. While the needy pleading expBPD has now become Joe Cool.  Full of arrogance. Coldness. Disregard.  Quasi confidence. They dont need you at all.  They dont even want to acknowledge you exist.  Insults thrown at us that hit hard during the brief  stop in to check the level of the well of need supply still left. We are their emotional victim by now.  And no longer of use in any way beyond that.

Is there anyway that does not feel like a dupe? Like a giant sick game? And as you stated in another thread, to stop back subsequently for only brief acts of one sided need. While the person "that loved you and needed you" could care less that you are physically and emotionally going through the depths of confusion, grief, and hard fallout by their disappearance and slap dab new personna.

But here's the deal.  We may be made to feel that we weren't good enough through all this.  But, my friend, we were far too good.  Recall, these ppl thrive in r/s with emotionally unavailable persons.  We were emotionally grounded.  As my t said " you kept thinking if you were just a little better he would stay."   No, I kept wondering why he kept upping the ante and then gravitated back to far less, calling that fulfillment.  And why he couldn't stop there.  Why he had to throw so much more hurt my way as a demeaning parting gift of sorts.

I will add that during subsequent recycles I asked or more likely pleaded for an answer as to why he would not have backed off way back when.  When I so daringly  told him I could not participate but would forever remain a friend. Why, I asked, did he persist and pull me deeper.  His answer always " bc I wanted to."

It feels very much like being duped and that is what concerns me bc I fell for it. And with great love.