How do i make him think he is leaving me and not the other way around?

[Manna]

Separated from my husband in January divorce is filed and can be complete in December. My husband has not been diagnosed yet but has an appointment on friday and hoping to start getting some answers after that.

I left him because he is repeat cheater, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, violent (he has struck me twice) but throws things and furniture, gambler, etc etc. I had enough and needed time to really think and moved down the road with our 2 sons b7 and b2.

My husband then fell into a depression and threatened of suicide and had suicidal thoughts, of course I felt sorry for him and took him to psychiatric clinic, he saw a therapist once and then decided that there was nothing wrong with him it was all my fault for leaving him. He moved to Sweden from the UK and has no family here and not any close friends.

Since then he has also started having extreme mood swings, threatening me at one point to sleep with a knife by my bed, said that he doesn't want anything to do with the kids if he can't have me, threatened of suicide almost daily, he ha keys to my apartment and one night he came over kneeled by my bed right over my face and asked "any last words"? where I freaked and asked are you going to kill me and he answered "yes" then laughed about it like it was a funny joke bear in mind that the kids were asleep in the same room.

He freaks at any mention that I am going to finalise the divorce and move on, tells me I will pay for this and so on, that i'll have to live with the guilt of him killing himself and the kids grow up without their dad. (the kids still love their dad, b7 is starting to see who he really is and says that he is sometimes scared that daddy will hurt me)

Right now I am to terrified to tell him that I don't think we have a future and that I want to move on.

How do I make him feel that it is him moving on? It feels like I need to find him something new to focus on and take the focus on me being the "only thing in his life".

He is a musician and working on some music with an old friend, I hope and pray that he can work with that full-time and move on from me.

Anybody with similar experiences?

[bpdspell]

Manna,

You are in a serious domestic violence situation. What are you doing to plan your exit? Have you reached out for domestic abuse support? You are in a dangerous situation if you have already been violently threatened and physically assaulted.

You cannot make a mentally ill person think a certain way or trick them into leaving you. It doesn't quite work that way. The only thing you have control over is yourself and you've got to come up with a plan so that you and your children can be safe from his violence and abuse.

I'm so sorry that your experiencing this but you need to seek help. A therapist, a domestic violence hotline, or reaching out to friends and family to get away.

My ex physically assaulted me. I loved him but I knew he would kill or maim me if I continued to try to make things work. He was very controlling, manipulative, and possessive and I was very fearful at times for my life. I called a domestic violence hotline and they helped me see the light. This man will never change and will never let you walk away because he sees you as his possession. After days of harassment I was able to procure a restraining order. It's for the best and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

Please take care and do what's best for you and the children.

Spell

[GreenMango]

Going on what Bpdspell has mentioned have you had a chance to develop a safety plan?

When things are this bad and there's violence involved the power dynamic is skewed - its about control.  Mostly him overpowering and controlling you.  Sudden movements can be dangerous.

Have you seen a dv counselor - they can help develop a safe exit?