The cycle never ends...

[blurry]

 Just did the dance for the past month, again. Utterly shocking that she reached out again, couldn't believe she would have the nerve after how ugly the august breakup was. Also can't believe that I fell for her routine again, luckily, this time it was only over the phone that we got back together, broke up, got back together, and broke up again, due to the fact I put so much distance between us after the breakup in august.

Maybe I'm learning, slowly but surely, protecting myself. In the past I would of dropped everything and raced back to her right away, costing myself a job and a place to live when shed inevitably break up a week or a month later. This time it didn't get as far as even seeing each other in person. She still keeps to the same pattern, like clockwork, its so predictable its utterly mind blowing that SHE doesn't seem to see how bad she needs therapy.

For the love, I can't understand why she wants to live this way, she reached out in waif mode about a month ago, and has since gotten a 1 bedroom for her and her 5 kids, whom she has joint custody of. She's broke, cars uninsured and about to break down, half ass job. Meanwhile my lifes better by far than it has been for years, and getting better and better, without her in it, yet still she consumes every thought in my head, still I try to forsee how I can make things work, knowing its nothing I have any control over... .

[Ironmanrises]

You experienced hell on earth again my friend. I am sorry to hear that. Know that we are here for you Blurry.

[ShadowDancer]

How you can make what things "work" exactly?

[blurry]

 I can't, half the battle would be me reacting to her behavior in a way thats totally opposite of what my normal reaction is. Not taking her behavior personally, which for me, seems nearly impossible, no matter how much I learn about BPD. Detatching while still staying in the relationship, again, can't see how I can train myself to do that either.

So it comes back down to walking on eggshells for roughly 75% of the time, just to be at ease and feel comfortable in the relationship for 25% of the time. And none of that is a guarantee she wont leave at any given moment. I feel like I triggered the last 3 or 4 breakups, which I probably did. But also feel they were inevitable, because the first 2 or 3 breakups came out of left field and blindsided me. So its like I'm constantly looking for signs of the imminent breakup now.

Thanks for the kind words btw Iron, guess I wouldn't call it hell on earth this time around, I'm dumb as a stump apparently, but I put the distance between us 3 months ago and its giving me a protective barrier at least, as far as not losing a job or my place to live this time. Just more disappointment this time around, like an emptiness in my heart, but no further damage has been done financially or otherwise, at least. I can't let this woman and her disorder, or myself and my own bad decisions, for that matter, ruin me any more.

[Pretty Woman]

Don't call yourself "dumb as a stump". We are all human my dear. You have a capacity to love, and to love unconditionally. I don't think that makes you a chump in any way. It is a wonderful trait.

Wouldn't you like to be loved unconditionally? 

The thing is the disordered cannot do this. You can look at it many ways... .even though the BPD is internally wounded from a young age they are attracted to what we provide them. We provide them with something that was missing. Can you imagine how sad it must be to live their lives?

The thing is this... .you were not put on this earth to be her caregiver. You want a lover, a friend, someone you can trust and that will be there when you need them, not cut and run.

In this relationship you have become conditioned to putting her needs before your own. That is admirable yet at the same time, you have lost a bit of yourself by neglecting you.

Find yourself again. All the stuff you put aside, the people you pulled away from while in this relationship... .reconnect. Those people probably miss you a lot (I found mine did) and it's baby steps... .you will get back to being YOU again. So you took her back. It's over and time to start anew. Only YOU can end this and you have the tools and the support here on this forum.

We are here for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blurry, when do you plan to get off the treadmill?  Do you honestly think the outcome will be different next time?  I liken a BPD r/s to an addiction: it's hard to quit even though you know its bad for you.  Try to put yourself first, as Earth Angel suggests.  Lucky Jim

[Learning_curve74]

Hey blurry... .I hope you start to do more things for yourself and take care of yourself. There are reasons why you recycled. If you figure it out, that can be the first step in healing and stopping yourself from repeating self-destructive behavior.

Are you currently in counseling or therapy? A really good therapist or counselor can help in your self-discovery.