What are his options?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

He left twice this year, the second time was in October and he hasn't come back. He is living with family. He's a highly impressionable person and just today (he's been beating around the bush for years) said "I can't make this work". He tried to say 'we' but I told him that wasn't true and he corrected himself.

He is all of a sudden trying to act like a competent adult and not the immature person I know, and that has got me a bit nervous. He doesn't have a job still and he said that he's not sure what he wants in regards to custody but he'd only be able to see him once a year most likely if he could get time off once he gains employment. He lives over 14 hours away currently. Previously he's mentioned he didn't want to pay child support, but to look like a good person in front of his family he may choose another option.

He also wants a divorce but that will take time since neither of us have the money to get it started and we're trying to figure things out before court, an unofficial separation agreement. Our son and debt is all we have together to work out.

Before he left he rarely spent time with our son and could never keep his temper with him either. Since he's left he's  made a very sparse effort to contact my son and recently it's been over two weeks since he's attempted to talk to him. Also, he was no billed but had a previous child abuse case against him for my son when he was almost 5 months old. I'm currently living with my parents who were also there at that time.

I would never approve of my son going anywhere alone with his dad. He has autism and still has trouble differentiating some dangers. What might be his options? He's considering taking a little tax money to come visit our son. The last time we spoke he's leaning more against it now. What should I do if he decides to come? He wouldn't be staying here.

I know that most things are in my favor, but I am worried a bit about what he may try since he's changed so suddenly.

Thank you for all your help,

Purekalm

Also, I've been keeping a written record of time spent with his dad. I can't keep any audio because the state he's in it's against the law.

[purekalm]

Hello,

He left twice this year, the second time was in October and he hasn't come back. He is living with family. He's a highly impressionable person and just today (he's been beating around the bush for years) said "I can't make this work". He tried to say 'we' but I told him that wasn't true and he corrected himself.

He is all of a sudden trying to act like a competent adult and not the immature person I know, and that has got me a bit nervous. He doesn't have a job still and he said that he's not sure what he wants in regards to custody but he'd only be able to see him once a year most likely if he could get time off once he gains employment. He lives over 14 hours away currently. Previously he's mentioned he didn't want to pay child support, but to look like a good person in front of his family he may choose another option.

He also wants a divorce but that will take time since neither of us have the money to get it started and we're trying to figure things out before court, an unofficial separation agreement. Our son and debt is all we have together to work out.

Before he left he rarely spent time with our son and could never keep his temper with him either. Since he's left he's  made a very sparse effort to contact my son and recently it's been over two weeks since he's attempted to talk to him. Also, he was no billed but had a previous child abuse case against him for my son when he was almost 5 months old. I'm currently living with my parents who were also there at that time.

I would never approve of my son going anywhere alone with his dad. He has autism and still has trouble differentiating some dangers. What might be his options? He's considering taking a little tax money to come visit our son. The last time we spoke he's leaning more against it now. What should I do if he decides to come? He wouldn't be staying here.

I know that most things are in my favor, but I am worried a bit about what he may try since he's changed so suddenly.

Thank you for all your help,

Purekalm

Also, I've been keeping a written record of time spent with his dad. I can't keep any audio because the state he's in it's against the law.

[takingandsending]

Hi purekalm.

Your husband's visit would be supervised, and you are living at home. Is there someone you can trust in your family to support you during the visit? Given past abuse and overall turbulence on your son, have you set out the limitations around your husband's visits - duration, quantity and so forth? What is it that you believe is best for your son? You have full custody, but do you want your husband to have no access based on his past behavior to your son? Would you consider putting a condition of him being in regular therapy as a boundary?

I read a a little of your history, but I don't know if I am heading down the right tack. I would definitely have friend or family with you or very close (next room) during supervised visit.

[purekalm]

Hello takingandsending,

We wouldn't be at the house since he wants to go with us to the toy store that I promised I would take my son too. To be honest, I don't think he's going to come. Anything that requires effort for us he usually forgoes.

Is there someone you can trust in your family to support you during the visit? Given past abuse and overall turbulence on your son, have you set out the limitations around your husband's visits - duration, quantity and so forth? What is it that you believe is best for your son? You have full custody, but do you want your husband to have no access based on his past behavior to your son? Would you consider putting a condition of him being in regular therapy as a boundary?

Besides everything that happened when he was an infant even though we live together he's had very minimal contact with our son, mostly because he's ignored him. I never let him alone with him because he never showed himself trustworthy, except a couple times when we went to the store and I had to use the restroom. My son is afraid of the hand dryer, so he opted to stay with his dad. Usually in public he behaves himself, mostly. So, he's technically always been supervised and he knows I wouldn't let him be alone with our son already.

Technically we both have full custody, his rights were never revoked during the case. I don't mind my son having contact with him, since he treats him better at a distance. My son loves him and thinks that he's gone for work and regularly asks for him to come home.

I don't know about the therapy, though he does need it. Is that a condition you can put on someone legally? I've asked him to go to therapy and he said he would when we were still trying to work things out, but I don't know now since he's given up.

Thank you for asking these questions, I didn't think of all of this.

My main concern is, given his history, is there any trick or anything he could try to pull to gain more access to our son even though he doesn't want it? He would never be able to take care of him and already said he would let his family take care of him if something ever happened to me. They aren't even his biological family and from his own mouth he said they're rednecks, harsh, crass and wouldn't know how to handle him. I hope nothing happens to me, but if it did, wouldn't my family, the people he's lived with, get priority? This scares me more than anything, I don't want my son to automatically go to his dad, it would completely flip him out.

[ForeverDad]

He would never be able to take care of him and already said he would let his family take care of him if something ever happened to me. They aren't even his biological family and from his own mouth he said they're rednecks, harsh, crass and wouldn't know how to handle him. I hope nothing happens to me, but if it did, wouldn't my family, the people he's lived with, get priority?

This is where a custody and parenting order would be helpful though it may be that such details wouldn't be addressed until court made a future decision on the matter, should that time ever come.  Helpful too would be for you to have a will (and associated directives) that includes your wishes and instructions should you die or in some way be unable to parent.  Domestic court may not be obligated to follow it, but at least you would have made clear what your wishes were.

Even if you can't hire a lawyer due to the expense of a retainer, you can still get inexpensive or perhaps free legal consultations.  Consult multiple attorneys so you can make sure you're getting a more complete grasp of all the issues involved and possible strategies.  Understand too that private agreements (ones not filed with and made an order of the court) are generally not enforceable.  They may be helpful for future reference and documentation but don't depend 100% on them.

[purekalm]

ForeverDad,

Even if you can't hire a lawyer due to the expense of a retainer, you can still get inexpensive or perhaps free legal consultations.  Consult multiple attorneys so you can make sure you're getting a more complete grasp of all the issues involved and possible strategies.

I will look into this. I've tried before and most say that without knowing specifics or being able to hire them they can't help me. I've tried legal aid and they wouldn't consider helping someone with a child under 18.

Understand too that private agreements (ones not filed with and made an order of the court) are generally not enforceable.

Yes, I do know this. It's also possible he can say one thing now and change his mind later. I don't like it, but I don't have another option at the moment.

Domestic court may not be obligated to follow it, but at least you would have made clear what your wishes were.

Thank you. I've been looking into this one and I'm not sure exactly how to go about getting one started but I plan to get a living will, especially because he has autism and it would set him completely back if he had to live with his dad.

I'm supposed to talk to him today to find a little more on what he's thinking in terms of custody. Of course, it's subject to change at a whim, but I don't think it's going to be much at all. I mean, he already stated that he'd only be able to see him once a year and that he doesn't want to pay child support. I'm hoping he keeps this direction for my son's sake. I hate that his dad is like this, but I'd rather him leave him completely than leave the possibility of him ever living with him. This is just so crazy. I can't believe I even have to consider any of this.

Sorry about the quotes, for some reason I can't get it to work right even after retyping it.