starbxsam, welcome! So glad you found us. You're in good company!
My experience is closer to that of your husband's. It's taken a huge toll on our marriage too, and from what I've read, that is not unusual when you have a BPD parent in the mix. Many of us here are struggling with a BPD MIL or parent. We are working through this together. It can get better!
Unlike you, my H is in denial that anything is 'off' with his mom. We've been married 6 years and it feels like every year gets harder. Thankfully he's joined me in marriage counseling where we are taking baby steps, working on our communication patterns and learning to validate each other.
The holidays are upon us and I dread them!
I know holidays are rough for many and I absolutely
love making the holidays special for other people. I used to find joy in including her because I knew she was lonely, but in the past 6 years, my MIL has somehow made holidays all about her. Holidays also trigger some of her less-than-delightful behavior.
I dread them now too and that makes me sad.
My husband has compromised every year and spent it with us instead of his own family.
I can understand how he'd want to spend it with his family, and it sounds like you validate that desire. That goes a long way.
My question is, can someone recommend how I can go about telling her that I won't be spending it with her? My only thought is to tell her I won't be spending it with her on actual Thanksgiving day but that we can do it another day. Anyone else going through something similar to this? Would love some recommendations/feedback.
We're planning two Thanksgivings this year. It's something many married couples have to do.
Friendsgiving on ThursdayHosting a friendsgiving for our kids and several friends that don't have family. (My family lives far away.) We'll play games, eat food, and I get to maintain a tradition of giving everyone a personalized Christmas ornament.
Visiting Her on Friday1. We are visiting her house.
He likes this idea because his mom doesn't have to drive. I like it because our time with her is defined.2. We are going to her house from 11am to 2pm.
My husband doesn't like scheduling, he would rather leave the visit flexible and open-ended, because he doesn't want his mom to think we have plans, are rushing away, or limiting time with her. I've shared with him that I need a defined time to ensure that the visit is a positive one. This also matters to me because the plan we made is prioritized over any last minute needs or emotions his mom might be navigating.3. We are bringing the food.
He likes it because his mom doesn't have to worry about the meal. I like it because the alternative is to accept her purchasing a meal - gifts come with heavy obligations. 4. We are bringing games and 'fun things' to do while we're there.
He won't play with us because he'll be working around the house all day. I like it because it keeps us active and distracted in a positive way.5. We are visiting the day after Thanksgiving because that is the only that works for all of our kids.
Instead of planning Thanksgiving with his mom and letting kids fall in where they may, I got him to agree to check kids' schedules first. This also gives him a valid reason why we can't be there the day of.I wanted to share these details in case it offers you some hope that holiday plans
can work well for both of you!
Some suggestions as far as how to approach her:
1. Stay calm. Fear begets more fear.
2. Keep your language and attitude positive, focus on the yes, not the no.
3. Ground yourself in your priorities and what you want to accomplish, and remember that if she pushes.
4. Keep your message simple and repeat as necessary.
I know it's easier said than done. What you're doing takes courage! I admire your willingness to explore this option. We are here for moral support, so keep us posted on how you're feeling and what you're thinking.
pj