YAY.. It's Feb 1st.& I get to go back to my house with my kids today.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today, I get possession (as per court order) to go back into my house (thatI pay all the mortgage, and associated bills already) and my kids are thrilled. (two and a half years that she lived there by herself drinking at her leisure).

I am exhausted as I moved from (& cleaned up) my rental house yesterday. I could have theoretically gone into my house at 12:01 a.m. (almost nine hours ago) but my son and I slept at my mothers last night. My daughter is away on a holiday.

I have a locksmith coming soon to meet me as I go into my house.  I have intentions of video taping everything including meeting the locksmith and he is a neutral person (as I haven't met him yet ... . only over the phone).  I am expecting the house to smell like dog poop and urine & the place to be raped of all he "good" stuff.

My daughter said that her grandmother was taking things from the place for the last few days which she said was "not fair" ... .  I told her that this is the nature of BPD/narcissistic people (my wife has inherited the gene of "what is mine is mine and what is yours is mine" meaning that it has been my experience that BPD persons tend to have the viewpoint of "extreme personal financial entitlement)".  My daughter was glad that I didn't get angry about petty things as material things being robbed from my house (that I pay for everything).

Any suggestions of a check list of how I should enter the house in terms of documentation? (I'm sure that there is someone out there that wishes they would have documented things as they went back in to their house)

(oh, ... btw, ... . it was soo funny to see my (ex) keep driving around --in her luxury SUV that her very rich parents bought her-- my rental house spying on me as the hours ticked by until I left my rental house. My two brothers helped me move with their pick up trucks and they said to me "... does she always do that?" ... . and I said "you mean, how she always drives by and spies on me?... . oh... . yeah ... . she does that at least a 1/2 dozen times a day"... .

[ogopogodude]

Today, I get possession (as per court order) to go back into my house (thatI pay all the mortgage, and associated bills already) and my kids are thrilled. (two and a half years that she lived there by herself drinking at her leisure).

I am exhausted as I moved from (& cleaned up) my rental house yesterday. I could have theoretically gone into my house at 12:01 a.m. (almost nine hours ago) but my son and I slept at my mothers last night. My daughter is away on a holiday.

I have a locksmith coming soon to meet me as I go into my house.  I have intentions of video taping everything including meeting the locksmith and he is a neutral person (as I haven't met him yet ... . only over the phone).  I am expecting the house to smell like dog poop and urine & the place to be raped of all he "good" stuff.

My daughter said that her grandmother was taking things from the place for the last few days which she said was "not fair" ... .  I told her that this is the nature of BPD/narcissistic people (my wife has inherited the gene of "what is mine is mine and what is yours is mine" meaning that it has been my experience that BPD persons tend to have the viewpoint of "extreme personal financial entitlement)".  My daughter was glad that I didn't get angry about petty things as material things being robbed from my house (that I pay for everything).

Any suggestions of a check list of how I should enter the house in terms of documentation? (I'm sure that there is someone out there that wishes they would have documented things as they went back in to their house)

(oh, ... btw, ... . it was soo funny to see my (ex) keep driving around --in her luxury SUV that her very rich parents bought her-- my rental house spying on me as the hours ticked by until I left my rental house. My two brothers helped me move with their pick up trucks and they said to me "... does she always do that?" ... . and I said "you mean, how she always drives by and spies on me?... . oh... . yeah ... . she does that at least a 1/2 dozen times a day"... .

[ogopogodude]

(what is satisfying is knowing that she knows that she screwed up our family unit---> with her alcoholism and her awful abusive nature... . this is why --in my opinion-- she keeps on spying on me and my whereabouts and such)

[ForeverDad]

I recall david stating his ex removed all the house's fixtures and even the wall plates from the electric outlets... .

Excellent idea on changing the locks.  If you suspect vandalism later or theft from mailbox, etc, add some security cams or monitoring.

Document well, you only get one chance at this.  Whether you'll need it later, such as to seek reimbursement for damages, no one knows in advance.

[GaGrl]

You should enter the house and immediately video and date stamp the condition of all rooms.  Talk through and record large items missing that should not have been removed. You may have photos that show those items in place in the past.

Getting the locks changed is the main focus.

[broken3]

Dude,

I videotaped when I was booted( with police present). And again when I got back in.

You will be amazed the amount of things you forgot about.

[maxen]

first of all, 

videotaping sounds an excellent idea. i took pictures soon after our explosion. she's removed a few things since but they're her personal property and i don't care. but i was able to detect them gone.

[ogopogodude]

WOW... . what a mess. Dried and caked on-to-the-carpet dog sh!t (& dried urine) everywhere...   Disgusting.


And thousands of dollars of items missing.

Just awful.

Our son, ... . was extremely disappointed in his own mom (at how she could leave the house in such a mess and to steal things to top it all off).

Video taping was a wonderful thing. I met the locksmith there and he asked for the court order (as he was not going to pick the locked front door without it). He was very accommodating when asked if I can video tape him and us entering the place. The refrigerator smelled awful.

[ForeverDad]

If your lawyer says she ought to be billed for the damages, then hire professionals to clean it.  Why knock yourself out for free?  Then again, will you ever get her to pay even with all the documentation in the world?  I don't know.

[david]

Matt is right. Our house was completely emptied of everything. We had 47 electrical wall plates and they were all gone. I timed myself doing the first floor and it took over 45 minutes. I thought to myself, " Who in theri right mind would take the time to do that?" I realized I answered my own question. We had three bathrooms and the toilet paper holders were all gone. I mean everything.

Months later I recieved a some mail from our homeowners insurance. Apparently ex made a homeowners claim stating I emptied the house of all it's belongings. Since both of us were on the policy it stated that you can not rob yourself and then make a claim. I had to read it three times because I couldn't believe what I was reading. Then I laughed hysterically.

During equitable distribution she again made the claim. By then I had a reciept from a storgae unit with ex's info (drivers license, credit card, signature). I also had about 40 photos from her apartment with many of the things she claimed I took in the homeowners claim. I gave them to my atty and he asked wher I got them from. I explained that the internet has lots of stuff in it including pictures.

I agee with foreverdad, if your attty says she ought to be billed for the damages then go for it. If you are awarded I believe you can put a judgement on her for the amounrt. It has to be renewed after a number of years for a nominal charge. Until it is satisfied she can not get a loan, an apartment, you name it. If you are going to do that make sure your atty explains the procedure.

[Waddams]

Well, if it's your property, and she damaged it so much and stole so much, is that considered vandalism?  Larceny?  Some other crime?  Is it something you can have the police come over and take a report on?  Maybe even have it lead to the prosecutor filing criminal charges?

At least having a police report would establish strong documentation of conditions you found on the date you retook possession of your home. 

[ogopogodude]

Well, ... . my family members sure came to my aid and helped me clean up the household. It smelled awful... .

[ogopogodude]

I'm having two independent restoration companies come by (within the next few days) to do a report on the damaged house. Apparently, they are excellent at taking pics and video coverage to report this to my insurance company.

[ogopogodude]

I have done the final tally of what is missing and the approximate cost of the missing items, as well as the vandalism.

So. far, ... well over $ 53,000.00  worth of stuff taken ... . and this does not include vandalism. The restoration company, ... . over the phone,... . said that usually all the carpets (and more importantly the underlay) needs to be removed and re-done. But could you imagine if the report also says "and all hard wood floors need to be removed as well ... . as urine goes thru the cracks and sits in under the floor... . "

This woman has literally destroyed my equity in the home... .

(I haven't even yet calculated the in-ground pool liner that had a centimeter of mould/ algae last summer according to the pool people that wrote up a report for me last summer).

[ForeverDad]

Is the divorce final yet?  If not then this can be presented to the court and included in the financial portion of the case.

However, the reality is that you already have the most important things, peace and your children.

[ogopogodude]

No, ... I instructed my lawyer to start Trial date selection, etc.

Any you are absolutely right in that I have the most important aspects covered and that is peace and calm, ... . as ell as my children in my care.

At 11:30 last  night my (ex)wife drove past "my" house last night and there is no reason for her to do so... . this was just like my rental home (there is no reason for her to drive past but she does). Our house is on a cul-de-sac and way out of the way for her to even be there "for a drive".

I do have a restraining order, . but I wonder if I can have it even more strict (it would be soo easy to video tape her drive by to prove its her).


My 14 year old son, ... . as  he was laying down in his bed said, ... "don't look outside, dad", ... . because he knew it was his mom driving by. Funny, ... this stalking business doesn't really bother me like it used to... .

[ForeverDad]

I forgot, did you make a police report when you moved back?  Just photos or videotaping the locksmith and the walk-through that first day may not be enough, you'll need a police report.  How much documentation they'll require or just take statements, I don't know.  But I think it's very important to have if it is to be considered vandalism or worse.

I think it would be prudent to video her driving down your cul-de-sac.  Most restraining orders have a 250-500 foot safety zone.  Not acting on known incursions could be interpreted in legal arguments as allowing the order to be weakened, not sure.

If you owe her a portion of marital assets, this damage should be deducted from whatever you owe her.  Her parents were enabling her?  Be interesting to know if the damages are included in the divorce and she ends up owing you whether her parents would step in and pay for her misdeeds.  In addition, this would be good documentation to argue against granting her alimony, if that's a risk.

[david]

I would video when she drives by. Make sure you have the time and date for each time.

My ex emptied our house as I said above. The house was also trashed. Broken glass all over, holes in the walls, carpet stains, etc. I was too upset at the time to think about recording. I was temprarily given both boys and ex had supervised visitation. That really triggered her since she is the best mother in the world  . I stayed at my brothers until I could fix the place up. Two days later I recieved a call from the principal of our boys school. I was told that since I was not residing in the school district our son could not attend his school. I had to explain what happened and said I was going to clean and repair things before moving back in. Principal was very understanding. A few days later the principal called again and needed a timeline since ex was insistent our son was not allowed to go to his school. I asked her for two weeks and she said fine. I fixed everything in about 10 days and called her back. I offered to let her come and see. She declined.

I haven't thought about that for years now. This was 2007.

Months later my neighbor told me that ex was coming over almost daily. She would get out of her car and walk around the property. My neighbor worked from his home. I let it go since I prefer avoiding a fight. Once I got over that and became proactive I noticed ex backing down and staying away. Boundaries do help with the extinction bursts.

I noticed that our two boys (now 15 and 10) got to see their mom and me and how we reacted and dealt with things. Her actions have pushed our two boys away from her. At first she used PA but over time that backfired. Reading Divorce Posion really helped me with that. Today I believe ex has helped my relationship with our two boys more than anything else.

[ogopogodude]

Whenever i start a video tape or audio tape, ... . i ALWAYS start off by saying ... . "today is Wednesday, September 2nd, 2011, ... . and I am with my son (or my daughter, or by myself) and we are about to possibly have a confontation with _____ who can be very argumentative and even abusive to me and my kids... . "

It is always best to start a video with peace & calm and then let the interaction with BPD nuttiness just take its course... . Never take a video mid-stream if possible... .  it can be argued that you made the other (put the other) person in a bad mood AND THEN started video taping.

Oh, ... . and ALWAYS be prepared like a boy scout , ... . have a fully charged ipad mini, or iphone or whatever... .

I used to put my iphone in a corner of a room and prop it up ... . so wing-nut didn't even know it was operating and recording... .

[ForeverDad]

Date, times, locations, witnesses, all good, I would not add a commentary since it inserts your opinions or expectations and could be objected to in court.  When I was in court back in October and some of my encounters and phone calls were played, the other lawyer objected to my 'summary' or 'explanation' afterward and so they stopped playing it there.

[david]

Facts only on all recordings as FD says. Date, time, and place only. Example, It is 2/5/14 in my driveway.

When I pick our boys up at her place I turn the video recorder on a block away. I point it at my cell phone to verify time and date. I then sweep it across the front window for a location. I then put it on my dash pointing at me. I drive to ex's place, dial her cell, hang up when the voicemail turns on. That is in our court order. Kids come out between 5 and 30 minutes. Depends on ex's mood and I decided not to make it an issue. They get in the car and I drive away. A few blocks later I turn it off. When I get home I download it on my hard drive and delete it from my recorder.

On my days during the school year I pick the boys up at school so I don't need to record. I take the same route when I do puick them up. Last year I noticed a car behind me. Yep you guessed right. She would follow me for several blocks. I usually turned on a different road and just took a mild detour. Never said a thing to the kids if they were in the car. This happened at least a half a dozen times and stopped.