What it feels like on a bad day... in the chaotic cycle of ptsd/grief

[Discovery]

(Journal, Dec. 8/13)

I feel so consumed by all these thoughts... .never-ending, unstable. My body feels off all the time, weak, sick. I feel that dreaded sensation of fear in my hands, in my solar plexus, a malaise in my body, everywhere. I'm sick of this. I feel like a prisoner of myself. A prisoner of my thoughts, a prisoner of my emotions, a prisoner of my body. I try to curl up in bed and ignore it all, but I can't. I can't sleep. I just lay here and it torments me.

I look out the window. I see the blue sky. I see branches of trees. I see the forms of clouds. I want it to impel me to move, to get up, to desire anything other than lie here, but it does not. I don't care. I'm hungry, but I don't eat. I'm thirsty, but I don't drink. I'm tired of being immobile, but I don't get out of bed. I don't like the feeling of my stringy hair, but I don't get up and take a shower.

I don't want to think about him. I don't want to. I don't want to. But he's everywhere. He won't go away. It feels impossible to find places where he is not. I hate him. I love him. I just want relief. I want to remove all traces of him from my mind and memories so there are no triggers and I might be able to remember myself before him, to find myself without him.

I want to get up and do useful and productive things. But I don't. It feels impossible to do these tasks and have the thoughts and feelings in the background. I feel desperate to control my mind, to stem the memories, to force my mind to take a different road, to get off this painful track. But I fail.

The dis-ease in my body is my constant companion and reminder of my inner confusion and my severed attachment. He's gone. The abandonment itself is over, yet I re-live it day after day, like each day is a fresh abandonment.

I desperately want to fix me, help me, change me, heal me, move me. I don't know how to do this. I am mush. I have no form. I fear this void will never end. I'm angry at myself for not being more "together." I'm ashamed of being lost and broken. I want to be found and strong.

**

just needed to get this out again... .maybe it will be of help to others to know they are not alone experiencing these things coming in waves, some good days, some really bad days... .today was better... .got out in the fresh air, actually exercised... .walked on the beach and did the stairs... .ate healthy food... .took care of my physical space... .listened to music and enjoyed it... .yeay me ... .cried tonight. practising loving-kindness and kind speech to myself. doing the best i can. each day is different.

[patientandclear]

I spent a lot of time in just the place you describe. I lost so much weight (the PTSD BPD r/s recovery diet). I was operating at maybe 20% of my former capacity at work & as a friend/family member/mom. I couldn't find meaning in anything. I couldn't get rid of him in my mind--it was constant.

I'm always so struck by the fact that it's not only our pwBPD who have these amazingly similar behaviors. We are affected so profoundly & so similarly. And yes, it helps to see that, to know that the awful feelings & inability to just "cope" are "normal." It's a real trauma we experience & we're not weird for struggling so hard to regain a meaningful life without these people we trusted & loved.

[heartandwhole]

A brave and moving post, Discovery, thank you for sharing. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you Discovery!  Very open post, and I've been exactly there.  One thing that helps is to go for a walk, one with purpose, shoulders back and head up, walking fast enough to need deep breaths, while focusing on a future without him; feels foreign and weird initially, but with repetition it starts to stick, certainly helps with the rumination and gives you something to strive for.  And the way I get out of bed and do it is to just do it, don't think, don't feel, just go, take the body and the mind will follow.  Sounds like you did some of that today; remember that it worked.  Take care of you!

[babyspook]

The hardest thing for me is finding out who I was before she came into my life (pre-BPDex).  I want that part of me back.  I can’t even remember how it felt to be that person and the world seems somewhat strange to me now.  I know I’ve posted some things on here that probably made people think I’m taking this all in stride and plugging right along without skipping a beat but make no mistake, I am human.  Almost every day thoughts of her uncontrollably pop into my head and I start taking trips down memory lane.  Ahhh the good times we had together.  Then I have to forcefully snap myself back into reality, and I say to myself, “Oh yeah, I forgot.  That relationship can never, ever be again but d@mmit! Why couldn’t she just be normal!”  Ugh!

It’s a daily process dealing with this drudgery but it does get easier with time.  Just stay busy.  Exercise, meet new people, go out on dates (only if you feel up to it), get back into your old hobbies, etc.  Just stay busy.  There'll be plenty of time to reflect on the past when you're lying in bed at night.  Like HeeltoHeal said, "Just go.  Take the body and the mind will follow".   So true.  In a short time from now, you’ll feel better than you did this morning.

[mango_flower]

Actually have tears running down my cheeks reading this... .

My friends don't understand - but you guys do!

Thank you all so much for being here... .

I hope we all find peace xxx