This is how it is for me, venting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am deserted like a pig 3 years ago. I was never excepted by the oldest stepdaughters. One is 100% histrionic, the other one 100% narc. With the narc my uBPDex lives, taking care of the grandchildren.
Inspired by posts and things i read on websites i was able to put my feelings and point of view on paper today.
My life is completely destroyed at age 59. Every day i struggle to pick up the pieces.

Unknown to you, your partner was on a complex journey that started long before you even knew him/her. You were the next hope and the answer to disappointments that he/she has struggled with most of his/her life.

 Bow out gracefully. They are loving & caring and will make you feel things you have never experienced with another until they can't suppress their old feelings & thoughts any longer. Fear, obligation and guilt will get the upper hand.

 Sometimes a specific event or being abandoned by others resets the stopwatch, but nevertheless, the countdown restarts and only for you.

 Finally they start their destruction of the relationship. Their is nothing you can do or say to change it because they are unaware of their logic. Unaware of the true cause of the void.

 They can't help it, their past life was filled with abuse and manipulation, and being originally loving and caring they are destroyed by their primary caregivers.

 But as a result for them Feelings are Facts unlike as with most other people where a Fact can lead to a Feeling.
 They have lack of object constancy, it doesnt matter how long they've known you, they don't know how to trust you because they were betrayed themselves before so often.

 So what happens... .They are good and you are bad, they are loving and you don't understand. They make your head spin, then your blamed for being dizzy. They feel abandoned and so feelings become facts. You have abandoned and neglected them.
 That's how they feel, so that's a fact.

 Don't expect a warning, don't expect an answer. Don't expect remorse and don't expect compassion. Certainly don't count on closure, you have to find it yourself. Whatever you did or will be prepared to do, your at fault.
 The love has stopped the way it started, fast and intense. For a 1000 reasons that were never expressed.

 It's like kicking a dog until it bites and then shoot it because it's a mean animal. They always will find some replacement first, or the replacement finds them and will use the tools of manipulation, it's called emotional blackmail.
 Some day the replacement will be replaced or the replacement says goodbey. And of they go on their new journey, leaving people behind like they never existed. They cannot get attached to you because it's a danger to them. But if you get too close you're probably smothering them and bossy. If you don't respond in an appropriate way, you've let them down, you've abanondened them. So there you are... .a catch 22 with only one outcome. Goodbey... .nice meeting you.

 The family dynamics, it is all about image. The message is: "We are bigger, better, have no problems, and must put on the face of perfection. Always put a smile on".

 When you're an outsider you will not be tolerated. Unaware about the pain they caused because after all "no one suffered that much as them and no one will harm them any longer", you will be the scapegoat and will be the cover up for their selfcentered and indifferent way of thinking with smiles, laughter and denial.

 You will be crushed, they will mock you. Your achievements will not be rewarded, your hospitality will be seen as intrusive, your words be twisted as being manipulative and controlling, your pain will be explained as being weak. You are a loser, and your pain validates their power over you and their victory.

 You will not survive this dynamic because you are an emotional healthy human being and there is only one thing left for you to do... .run. Be proud of what you had offered, let go with love.

[jo19854]

I am deserted like a pig 3 years ago. I was never excepted by the oldest stepdaughters. One is 100% histrionic, the other one 100% narc. With the narc my uBPDex lives, taking care of the grandchildren.
Inspired by posts and things i read on websites i was able to put my feelings and point of view on paper today.
My life is completely destroyed at age 59. Every day i struggle to pick up the pieces.

Unknown to you, your partner was on a complex journey that started long before you even knew him/her. You were the next hope and the answer to disappointments that he/she has struggled with most of his/her life.

 Bow out gracefully. They are loving & caring and will make you feel things you have never experienced with another until they can't suppress their old feelings & thoughts any longer. Fear, obligation and guilt will get the upper hand.

 Sometimes a specific event or being abandoned by others resets the stopwatch, but nevertheless, the countdown restarts and only for you.

 Finally they start their destruction of the relationship. Their is nothing you can do or say to change it because they are unaware of their logic. Unaware of the true cause of the void.

 They can't help it, their past life was filled with abuse and manipulation, and being originally loving and caring they are destroyed by their primary caregivers.

 But as a result for them Feelings are Facts unlike as with most other people where a Fact can lead to a Feeling.
 They have lack of object constancy, it doesnt matter how long they've known you, they don't know how to trust you because they were betrayed themselves before so often.

 So what happens... .They are good and you are bad, they are loving and you don't understand. They make your head spin, then your blamed for being dizzy. They feel abandoned and so feelings become facts. You have abandoned and neglected them.
 That's how they feel, so that's a fact.

 Don't expect a warning, don't expect an answer. Don't expect remorse and don't expect compassion. Certainly don't count on closure, you have to find it yourself. Whatever you did or will be prepared to do, your at fault.
 The love has stopped the way it started, fast and intense. For a 1000 reasons that were never expressed.

 It's like kicking a dog until it bites and then shoot it because it's a mean animal. They always will find some replacement first, or the replacement finds them and will use the tools of manipulation, it's called emotional blackmail.
 Some day the replacement will be replaced or the replacement says goodbey. And of they go on their new journey, leaving people behind like they never existed. They cannot get attached to you because it's a danger to them. But if you get too close you're probably smothering them and bossy. If you don't respond in an appropriate way, you've let them down, you've abanondened them. So there you are... .a catch 22 with only one outcome. Goodbey... .nice meeting you.

 The family dynamics, it is all about image. The message is: "We are bigger, better, have no problems, and must put on the face of perfection. Always put a smile on".

 When you're an outsider you will not be tolerated. Unaware about the pain they caused because after all "no one suffered that much as them and no one will harm them any longer", you will be the scapegoat and will be the cover up for their selfcentered and indifferent way of thinking with smiles, laughter and denial.

 You will be crushed, they will mock you. Your achievements will not be rewarded, your hospitality will be seen as intrusive, your words be twisted as being manipulative and controlling, your pain will be explained as being weak. You are a loser, and your pain validates their power over you and their victory.

 You will not survive this dynamic because you are an emotional healthy human being and there is only one thing left for you to do... .run. Be proud of what you had offered, let go with love.

[VitaminC]

Hi there jo,

It's a day to reflect, for some of us, and that can lead to anger or sadness for sure. That is a necessary stage in the process, if you believe in process which is just another word for change.

That is a powerful text you have assembled from things you have found around the internet. There's rage, blame, anger, compassion, self-forgiveness and grace both in there, and in you. You might not feel all of it now, but that's ok. You feel how you feel at the moment. Trying to make sense of things and find a way out of it. It's ok to vent, it's important to let things out and understanding or forgiving, eventually, does not diminish the reality of the pain you feel and have felt.

One thing and one step at a time. That is how we walk, together. The five Stages of Detachment over here on the right helped me in the past. I read them thousands of times, of course, and sometimes they went in to my soul, and other times not. But we keep trying and it does get better, slowly.

How are you spending the day? It's just a day, but it's nice to punctuate our lives with something, by just doing one small thing differently. What will you do today?

I know it might not feel like it at the moment, but I wish you happy holidays and a peaceful day.   

[Duped 1]

I can so relate to this. She turned her kids against me when she found her replacement only a week or two after saying we would be together forever and completely cut me out of her life. It's been 3 mos NC and I still wish I would hear from her but I doubt I will. The lack of empathy and compassion is unbelievable. Like she's not human

[Hisaccount]

I will jump on this band wagon too.
Not sure why, I had been doing really well but all night I kept tossing and turning and could not get her out of my mind. Not really holiday related just life related.
So I came here to try and be reminded of what I am really missing out on and we are not missing out on anything.

I kept telling myself, she was not a good wife, she is not a good person. Both of which are true.
I was a good Husband. She was stupid for leaving me.

those things are all true.

A normal couple, the spouse gets mad, stays a friends house for a week comes home and works it out.
In a BPD relationship there is no respect, forgiveness, or room for error.
That is not love. At least not the love I want.

These people are not capable of a healthy relationship.

Yes there were good times, but try not to forget the bad. It is still easy for me to tell myself I am wrong it is my fault, or She isn't really BPD then go back and read again and yes she is, this was my life.
So all of those dreams, all of those plans. It was never going to happen. It was all fake.
Look at what you know, look at how they have failed their whole lives and we were the ones to save them and bail them out.
How you can never be right or win at anything.

Story time, Wife graduates law school, riding from the ceremony to dinner. Wife cannot decide where she wants to eat. It is getting ugly in the car. Her dad says, be a man and pick something. So I do.
I heard about if for 2 hours that night how I was so controlling and forcing her to eat someplace she did not want to eat on her graduation day.
Thanks dad in law.
So you don't decide and you are weak and a door mat. You do decide your are controlling and manipulative.

One day you are called lazy, the next you are in trouble for working too much and not spending time with them.

Look at yourself and who you were before them. Look at what they did to us. I didn't allow this. I was just being a normal caring, giving person.
Look at what they made us give.

[CooperD]

Merry xmas folks,

':)uped' the lack of empathy and compassion you refer to with your BPD is exactly what blows my mind about my own BPD.

After 5 years of being with someone, speaking daily and only being married a year I am absoutely gobsmacked how she has been able to just cut me from her life as if i never existed.  Her discard of me by flying in and out of my country over the course of 24 hours was brutal and designed to damage me very badly.

You know what I am still alive and for that I am lucky.  Her disorder could have killed me due to her relentless abuse and was slowly destroying my mental heatlh.  I'm sorry to swear but FOOK HER !  We all deserve better than someone who fills our life with anxiety, who seems out to get us and who takes pleasure in our suffering.  My BPD was incredibily sadistic.

[michel71]

This is a very insightful post. Today is Christmas and I know that many of us, including myself, are suffering. I have been rehashing the relationship, analyzing my part in it, trying to give my uBPDstbex some thoughtful empathy. I am not very present today at all. Just in my own head. Which is sad because I have loved ones around me that deserve more. I am faking it. Trying to be jovial.

These BPD folks hurt us so very deeply. To the very core. The relentless and damaging head games has taken a toll on us and we have lost sight with who we are and who we were. 2017 will be a new year and a time for healing for all of us.

For those who are hurting now I would love it if all of us checked in this time next year to see how far we have come. I wish for all of us a speedy recovery and good health and happiness.