Re: Timing..,who’s on first and where? (Part 2)

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi, I’m checking in again, we are tucked in for a second night, closer to home. There’s the new attorney meeting tomorrow morning. My husband is out of town for work at the moment, and we could have made it to the house... .but, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t be home by sunup, and prevent me from getting out of the house to go, and this way, S5 is with me (fancy noise cancelling headphones and movies on my iPad make taking him with me possible).

IF the new attorney looks at things and gives me good probabilities, I will consider filing legal things tomorrow. I’d need to take S5 and myself straight from the attorney, possibly a trip to the storage unit, maybe a quick last stop at the house (if it’s safe) for expensive winter boots, coats, etc.

That makes the money a null point.
BUT if the attorney says it doesn’t look promising, well then I’ve got a tough choice to make about the money.

Thankfully, it is NOT an actual check or cash. It’s still at the bank. I’ll stash all documents and bank slips at the storage unit after the meeting in the morning.

WW, I have no idea. And that is causing me some anxiety. So it’s good to think through this one. I imagine he will puff, threaten, bluster, and maybe (if he slips and loses his cool), there could be an escalated DV situation on the horizon, if I were to stand my ground in conversation with a flat no. I could possibly use the money as leverage to motivate him to seek help for himself. But laying down strong boundaries scares me, because it escalates the situation. When he does not have control, he will keep trying until he gets it. He is covert and passive aggressive. The cliche, revenge is a dish best served cold fits his MO well. So if it looks like he still has overnight before he gets called to work again,  and we all have to sleep in the house, I will de escalate him with any words I can think of.

In the past I’ve mostly backed down, kept things de escalated, for safety and trying to make it to the end of my long term plan. I only kept good boundaries before S5 was born. The stakes are too high, with S5 there to knowingly let him dysregulate.

Since it will be the weekend, by the time we are both in the house together, IF we get to that point, I’ll de escalate him some more, make promises in response to his intimidations, to stay safe until his off days have passed and he is out of town for work again.

So it may work out with timing, that I will have to wait until the bank opens on Monday to follow through with any promises I’ve had to make over the weekend. I guess that’s just kicking the bucket down the road. Because at some point, he’ll discover that I’m not giving it back with him threatening and bullying. Sigh. It circles right back around to danger.

The only benefit I can see to going around this circle once, is to buy myself time to get through his off days this weekend. By the time he is back at work next week, I’ll have time to gather winter goods, and anything else from the house I need. Possibly renting a large storage unit and a mover, to quickly move out all the things that belonged to me before we were married. I owned a whole house by myself, so most of the furniture is mine.

But if the attorney says I don’t have enough to be successful in protecting S5 in court, then what? Keep status quo until he files  first? Until I can make it to the 10 year mark? Until I am 6 months into my internship and file in my home state, after I’ve re established residency?

I do not think he will let time pass that much without filing himself. Or more scary DV threats to endure. Sigh.

I am completely open to suggestions. My thinking and ability to carve out possibilities is hindered by being so tired, anxious, overwhelmed, and  well, afraid.

On a positive note, I had a lovely appointment this morning with a psychiatrist. It took 3-4 hours. And I had S5, and parented through the whole thing. It was truly a miracle. There must have been angels keeping S5 sweet, cute, and mostly obedient. I’m left with a few thoughts, about how cool that was. Affirmation from a professional.

A side note, I thought later today,  most people would cringe to be evaluated by a psychiatrist for multiple hours... .what level of mind games am I to at home, that my husband scares me more than the doctor? Hm. Interesting. My masters degree work kicked in there I’ll bet.

Any suggestions about money, timing, safe boundaries, and exit plans?
Dig

[Radcliff]

Dig, nice work pulling off a psych appointment while parenting!  In a coercive control situation, remaining confident in one's own sanity is a challenge, and being afraid that others might doubt your sanity is another challenge.  Smooth work handling those issues proactively!

All of your tactical questions depend so much on the meeting with the lawyer and the situation you find when you arrive home.  One thing that occurs to me is that moving big things like furniture places a logistical burden on you, and is an overt move that raises the stakes considerably.  Covertly moving sentimental items may give you a measure of peace with a lower burden and risk.  Selectively moving other items that technically could be re-bought (some clothing, etc.) but would help you get re-started could also help you feel more confident. 

I'm still unclear on whether the 10 year mark for retirement is when divorce is filed for or when it completes by.  Do you know the answer to this question?  I would seriously try to get that figured out with the lawyer tomorrow morning.  If you just have to prevent divorce finalization before the 10 year mark, can he delay finalization until then?  Can he argue for acceleration due to DV?

Safety is paramount.  Don't sleep in the house with him unless you feel safe doing it.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Thank you WW.
You’re right, I still don’t know the answer to that.
I’ll get that figured out with him this morning and also compare that answer alongside the consequences of who files first. There are legal consequences to that, but also religious ones here where we live. I think it’s possible, he wants to push me into filing first, so that he can claim victim status with the church, and have a better chance of finding a new victim, by claiming it was me and not him.
Strangely enough, that may be important to him. Yet also, the logistics to see S5 freely also maybolat a oartnin his decision. I’m trying to think of what he has to gain or lose if he files first and compare them... .to try to figure my chances of making it to the 10 year mark without him filing first, if that even is important.

Safety and being able to sleep at night, that I won’t know how I feel about that until seeing what he is like. That may depend on if banks are still open today when it happens.

I’ll update when I can.
Thanks,
Dig 

[Dignity&Strength]

S5 and I are at the police department, waiting to be taken to the women’s shelter. We are safe. Phone running low on data though.
Dig

[Dignity&Strength]

Also, Still no attorney today. He would not take my case. Said it was too complicated.
My husband does not know where we are yet. I’ll think through this some more later. I’m tired, long 2 days of driving.
Dig

[Radcliff]

Hey Dig, thanks for checking in.  We're all thinking of you.  I'm so sorry to hear about the attorney.
 Do the DV ladies have any recommendations?  Glad you are safe.  The road ahead is daunting, but you can do it.  Get some rest, and keep us posted.

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi everyone,
I’ve had a day or so to recover from the attorneys not taking my case. Basically, the notebooks of pictures, recordings and incident descriptions are scaring them off I think. They want simple, cut and dry divorces, with cookie cutter child custody.

My husband thinks we are house/pet sitting for friends with a small family bed and breakfast style farm for a few days. He doesn’t know we are at the shelter or that I am trying to hire an attorney. So, if it turns out I can’t hire one yet, I’ll need to go back home and back into the coercive control/BPD setting until I can, to prevent him from filing first.

We ended up at the womens shelter, Friday afternoon, to prevent from going home with him there, with the check/money issue, and because he called in “coercive control reinforcements”, that is, an evil buddy from out of town, staying at our house for the weekend, so I’d be outnumbered. At least that’s what I could see coming. So my advocate at the shelter thought it was best to bring us here. With no custody agreement in place, they could legally wrangle S5 out out of my arms, and I’d have to physically get him back without any help from law enforcement.

I DID finally learn, WW, from the attorney Friday morning, it is 10 years from the time one of us files for divorce that matters. When it is final doesn’t matter. Only when it is filed.
That plus kindergarten homeschool already being bought and paid for, and my sons needs in the next week or so may put me back home, instead of going through transitional housing through the shelters. So I am very careful not to share anything about my situation here, to avoid someone calling social services if we go back home. So far, it is highly doubtable, that what he has done rises to the level of child endangerment. The tree was not smart, nor the attic,  to keep from having shared joint custody.

So, present issues are: no attorney, angry husband that I’ve stayed away so long, angry that I have the 2/3 of the savings, (even though he is sitting on 4 times that much by withholding from the account), S5 homeschool curriculum, fees, co-op group paid for, my grad school, needing to NOT get a job until after the internship.
Also, trip to my parents state in October, less than 8 weeks away, for a S5 Dr appointments, and a week of “in -person” classes at my university, where I need my parents to keep S5 instead of my husband.

Should I expect passive aggressive retaliation from him, if I go back? Hefty re-establishment of his dominance and control?  Can I reasonably manage his narcissistic injury, to prevent myself from being hurt?

If I stay here, he finds out, and gets an attorney first, before I am able to get an attorney or restraining orders, or emergency temporary custody, I could lose S5 altogether. He could get sole custody. That would be a terrible risk for S5.

Any thoughts? Things you all can see that I can’t?
Thank you everyone,
Dig

[Radcliff]

Dig,

It might help to rank order your priorities.  Can you do that and show them to us? 

WW

[ForeverDad]

Some members have spoken of asking questions on avvo.com and gotten responses back from lawyers in their state and even locality.  That's how some lawyers get additional clients.  At the very least you could get an answer to the "10 years married" concern, whether it is at time of filing or the final decree.  Me?  I suspect it hinges on the date of the final decree, but hey I'm not a lawyer.

Also, beware of extracting promises from him.  (Are you quietly recording them?  May not be of legal help but at least document support for your statements later.)  What if he says yes you still get support?  Then once you're back, he reneges?  Promises are in the same category as dreams and hopes.  Sorry, but that's too often the harsh reality.

However, maybe terms is a better word?  He can still break any agreement but you may feel better about what you end up having to do afterward if it's no so personally emotional as 'promises'.

He wants 'his' money back.  All of it.  Can you accept those terms, knowing he may very well then clamp down on you, perhaps even squirrel the money elsewhere where you end up with no financial leverage?

I guess you can tell that I favor you hold the funds separate and being able to document to him that you're not squandering it.  He's making you feel like you're the bad person when you're not!  He's casting himself as the offended actor!  Sounds like he's an expert at Blame-Shifting.  Be aware.  Beware.

[Radcliff]

Dig,

How are you doing?  If you don't have time for a full update, just let us know where you're staying and if you're safe.

WW

[Harri]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked.  Part 3 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328620.0;all