leggomyeggshell
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67
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« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2015, 07:40:11 AM » |
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Thanks for the welcome! I have been reading some helpful tips on this site as of today, that I never noticed before, such as the tips to the right.
Ok, recent examples... I have been with her for more than 3650 days and I would say there has been a major conflict on about 2000 days. I am pretty much always the one trying to find the path out of the chaos but usually being only semi-successful. However, she sort of knows not to cross a certain line, because secretly I believe she doesn't really want the relationship to end. However, the line that she will go up to is a LOT farther than the line that I would consider the limit of human decency.
It is hard for me to give examples because I worry that I will be perceived as the person who created the conflict. People who have delved into our relationship in the past to try to help us have often taken her side initially, and I get some flak for it as she convinces them that I verbally abuse her, or an alcoholic, and they believe it. Until later, that is, when they realize the extent of her behavior is so unbelieveably over the top that it becomes more understandable why I did or said a particular thing.
Ok well here goes. On Friday I went to work and was coming home. I called her back (she had called at the end of my work shift when I had to tell her that I would call her back after I got out - semi-annoying, but whatever). On the phone call I told her I was starving and asked whether I should get food before coming home or if she would make me something for when I got home. I already know from past experience that she hates the concept of making me food as it makes her feel like the "helpless housewife" - a role which she does not want. Mind you, she is an amazing cook, but it is all on her time, I am not allowed to ask for it. Ok so because I was in sort of a grumpy mood (thus far I have not adopted the lessons listed to the right, although I might, moving forward) I asked again if I should get "fast food" or eat at home. She said fast food. Apparently she was planning a date night replete with child care and it was all on her scheduling (she has to be in charge of things or else she will not do them). Ok so having just gotten out of work I instead decided to stop at a sit-down restaurant and eat really quickly and this would allow me to have a beer and in my mind, we would continue our plans once I got home, which also most likely included going out to a couple of bars together, so I was hoping she would not make a federal issue out of this. Well, she did. She called while I was in the restaurant and I answered and told her where I was. She immediately got mad and told me the date was off and hung up and all that. My stress level skyrockets. Apparently she called the restaurant and told the bartender to cut me off, but I did not find that out until later. Anyway, I finished the burger and left and drove home anyway. On the way I called and tried to butter her up, hoping we could still go out, after all, I had only had a beer. I suppose now I should not have had any, but at the time I wanted it and the fact that she did not tell me I could not have one was permission somehow.
Anyway, on the phone call she was adamant she was "breaking up", etc., and that I had ruined our date by drinking when I should have waited, and that I was locked out and that she would call the police if I attempted to enter, and that she was leaving on the next flight out or the morning with our child. Obviously I could force the issue by going there anyway, and I would have every legal right to do that, but this has occurred before and the police usually tell one of us to leave in order to keep the peace, and it is always me, and then she disappears with all of her belongings and goes to a hotel or something when I am gone. But then she comes back a day or two later and the whole thing amounts to just a ton of extra work for me and loss of money.
So, rather than do that, I tried to convince her to let me in until she finally hung up and blocked my further calls. I then had nothing to do so I had a text fight with her where she was adamant this was the end and all the associated threats. I ended up going out alone to the casino because I had nothing else to do, but my mind was elsewhere the entire night, sort of like a living death, which occurs quite frequently. We texted the whole time I played at the casino and it was generally unpleasant.
I had told her I would not pay for yet another hotel room due to her issues, and that I would sleep in the car, and finally around 2:30 am I get this text saying I can come home. She is much nicer now, as she typically is starting around midnight each night until she falls asleep. Once I get in, we are fairly friendly, except at one point she states that she is still mad and that I am not off the hook.
Ok, day passes, the next day was relatively uneventful except that at one point I got pulled over with her in the car. Apparently my lights were out and I was speeding. I asked her when I saw the officer if she would please promise me not to talk over me to the officer as she tends to do. She promised she would not, but then when he came to the car she did it anyway. He let me off with a warning, and she took full credit. I reminded her about the promise she made and she basically said she was the reason the officer let me off and I should be thankful. I did get angry and she cried and said how abusive I am to tell her not to talk, free country and all that, and said something about what a horrible person she felt like. This fight only lasted a minute because we were meeting up with some friends.
That night, after we got back from meeting with our friends, she fell deathly ill (possibly due to magnesium overdose she had purchased and used the day prior, thinking it would help her, or possibly a few other conditions) and I had to take her and our child to the hospital at 4 am. That sucked and I was not really nice in the car because I was really mad that we had to do another one of these massive dramas where we get no sleep, but this one seemed more important because of her health.
This morning I wake up after just a few hours sleep. She was overly cleaning everything which I thought was weird since she should have been exhausted. She was on a painkiller or something from the hospital. I told her I wanted to get coffee and somehow (I cant remember the verbiage) we got in some kind of verbal fight. I think I was cranky from little sleep and she was overly intense, barking orders at me and such. Ok so I took a little while getting the coffee since it was packed, and I did feel guilty inside about our fight. I got home and thought everything would be fine and maybe I could apologize for my part in the conflict and we could enjoy our day. Instead, I walk in and she is on the phone with the national domestic violence hotline. She gets off the phone so I will not hear her call and gestures as if she is recording me. Tells me that if I don't leave, she will call the police and she has her hand on the 911 button. Honestly my plan for the day had nothing to do with this stuff, I was hoping to just have a normal day. She gives me the count of 5 to leave or she's calling. I got mad and hit the wall, hurting two of the fingers on my hand. Then I leave. No I did not do anything even resembling physical abuse to her, nor did I threaten her in any way. Her claim was that I insulted her and was therefore verbally abusing her.
Ok, so now I have nothing to do, so I went back to the casino and just sat there playing low stakes roulette to pass the time. Another living death. I buttered her up over text and about 8 hours later she told me to pick up some food and bring it home.
This evening everything should have been going fine, except she insisted on rehashing every aspect of this and threatening to leave me if I don't follow her commands to a T. I'm like on the floor in agony just wishing she would stop talking about this. And it just goes on and on about how its all my fault, and I am not even fighting back, just trying to take it, hoping that she will eventually be satisfied, but also knowing that moment will never come. Sometimes I am just like, sorry, sorry, sorry, tell her what she wants to hear so she will be normal again. We almost reconciled at one point to watch a tv show together but she could just not get there mentally. Eventually she threatened me with 911 so that I would go sleep on the couch.
This is just what has happened this week. I could tell you thousands of stories that have taken place over a ten year period. In some ways it has gotten better, in other ways it has gotten worse. We have tried counseling, she takes the instructional sheet they give us to find resolution with one another and goes down the list trying to find things that I do wrong and never taking any of it to heart.
Obviously the key thought here is "why don't you call her bluff and have her leave you". Been there, done that. I would have to accept not seeing my child again and dog. Frankly I do like her when she is not melting down. When she is, it can last for days or weeks, as you can see here. Are the rewards worth the abuse I have to put up with? Not really, but the punishment is also severe if I leave. I would lose a lot of cash and would have to start over again with a new family. I would still have to interact with her because of our child. Sure, I could mount a case in court for these things but I do NOT want to do this to her. So I am in this hell where the only hope is that she will improve, but I am told that is not really ever going to happen. If she were to somehow find a way to manage this, the situation could go from FUBAR to actually quite amazing.
I have a really hard time always eating crow and not having my needs ever addressed in favor of listening to her endless bantering (she is also a "motormouth". I try to listen, but there is much more to life than listening to her talk all the time about this or that outrage. I am also busy and she would go on all night if she could. I'll listen for like 30 minutes and participate but then my eyes glaze over.
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