Why is she constantly asking me to do things?

[Omega1]

She says she asks me to do things (that she could do herself) because she's worried she'll forget. 
But it sometimes feels like she just pawns things off on me.
I guess my personality is that I'm a do-er - if it needs doing I'll do it.  But after awhile, I start to feel like I'm her personal assistant.  I am working during the day and she isn't.  It certainly feels like she has more time than me.

What is the reason behind this behaviour?  I know it gets worse if I just do it all the time.
But the source - is it her need to be in control or feel power?  Or is she just taking advantage of me?
Does she know she's doing it?  If I say something about it, she thinks I'm angry and she gets angry.
How do I say something without sounding rude - ie - how come you can't do that yourself?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi Omega1!

You already have an answer to your first question:

because she's worried she'll forget. 

This might not be the only reason, but it's as good a reason as any, because her motivations are secondary here.
The important part right now is, that you don't feel comfortable anymore with doing stuff for her that she could and should take care of herself.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume that this dynamic has been present in your relationship for quite some time. So it's no surprise that she gets upset when you suddently don't want to play along anymore. Still, this is something that bothers you so it's fine that you want to adress it and make a change. 

To accomplish that, I think it's important to first establish a set of 'rules' for yourself: In which situations do you want her to take care of things on her own? On which occasions is your help really needed?
It's essential to make a clear distinction between these events, so that you can act consistently and still be supportive when your support is really needed.

If you got that covered you can think about how to communicate those rules to her, without stirring up unneccesary conflict.
Can you think of a communication tool that might be helpful here?

[Steps31]

Not to butt in, but do you think her asking you to do things is a way of making her feeling close to you?

In other words, she might be thinking "if he's doing this thing for me, then: A- I know what he's doing, B - he's doing something for me/us and nobody else, and C - I feel more in union when he does things for me."

[Vexed]

I can tell you this, your not alone.  I had the same problem with my BPDex.  Although it wasn't so much errands when I wasn't with her instead it consisted of things for her when I was with her.  She was basically a drill sergeant.

If we were going somewhere she would fire order after order at me while she put on makeup.  Let the dog out, give him food and water, lock the doors, make sure the kids have coats, put in a load of laundry, go change your shirt, fill up a water bottle, etc, etc until she was ready.  Then we'd get in the car and she would send me back into the house for something she forgot.  Then I'd get screamed at for wearing my shoes into the house and if I took my shoes off I'd get berrated for being "so slow" then it became my fault we were late. 

[Danay]

I can tell you this, your not alone.  I had the same problem with my BPDex.  Although it wasn't so much errands when I wasn't with her instead it consisted of things for her when I was with her.  She was basically a drill sergeant.

If we were going somewhere she would fire order after order at me while she put on makeup.  Let the dog out, give him food and water, lock the doors, make sure the kids have coats, put in a load of laundry, go change your shirt, fill up a water bottle, etc, etc until she was ready.  Then we'd get in the car and she would send me back into the house for something she forgot.  Then I'd get screamed at for wearing my shoes into the house and if I took my shoes off I'd get berrated for being "so slow" then it became my fault we were late. 


I've been living this way with my wife for going on 20 years and it is almost verbatim as Vexed.  It doesn't seem malicious in my experience and I think the BPD spouse needs to control something because they have so little control over their internal world.  You end up standing there waiting for your next set of instructions and they get some kind of relief in creating order externally.

[Omega1]

Wow - that sounds so familiar!  This board has been incredible in making me feel I'm not alone.
It also helps me to realize its less about her as a person and more about the BPD impacts.

I'm working on being a little less 'helpful'.  She's asking me to do things, and it seems to work better if I always say yes, otherwise she gets mad. 
But - I do some of them, and not all of them.  I'm leaving things for her to do too. 
Or she texts me when she's got time and I'm working - asks me to look up something for her - so I took a little longer to reply, and she looked up the thing herself!

Little wins, every day... .