Dream about all the changes in my life

[Breathing new air]

I had a dream last night about all the changes that are happening in my life right now. Or should I say I had a dream about this board.  I have had such an outpouring of care from everyone. I feel I fit. Yet in this dream, I was being taken to task for asking for support. I can see it is the inter-conflict with in myself. But now I feel like maybe I am being too negative about my childhood. My be it was not as bad as I am making it out to be. 

My mother had a life like a soap opera. She really did, a lot of it was self created. But there were things that were not. It was all about her. My entire existence seemed to be about her until just a few years ago. I almost lost my husband of 17 years because he could handle the dysfunction anymore. She became so much worse when my dad died. But she is so good at shifting the blame to someone else. I doubt myself.

But I was dreaming that even this place where you have been only kind, were going to tell me I did not belong.  Mom did not ever physically hurt me. She used to brag about how little discipline she had to do for us girls. One look and we were back in line. From a very young age on. The criticism was masked in a compliment. As long as you were doing what she wanted everything was fine. In fact, to this day she still talks about the less than 10 times I went out on my own and did something she did not completely endorse from the beginning. Most of those things did not last or if they did she made sure that it still benefited her.  She did not like my husband at all. And tried to get rid of him for years. But when she figured out he was not going away she tried to align herself with him. She has flirted with all my other sisters husbands and manipulated them. It is only my hubby she could not.  Anyway, she still bring all of those instance us to this day. How it hurt her and the family. How selfish I was for doing it. You know the drill. 

How can my sense of unworthiness go so deep that I feel I do not deserve even a small amount of understanding. Positive anything directed my way is so hard to take. I am looking forward to reading Emotional Incest, I think I will find many of my answers. But again I keep asking how could anyone be that way. I worry about being like her but it is inconceivable to treat people the way she does. I am ashamed when I hear her do it to others, but I accept it for myself from her and anyone else. It is really hard to be so conflicted and unsure.  One thing about looking to others for who you are is that you do not have to find your own way. It is scary to move in this direction. Finding myself and my own way. But the dream disturbed me on many levels. Any thoughts?   

[Suzn]

This is an interesting dream that makes a lot of sense from what you are saying of your past. Dreams about punishment can be a psychological/sub conscious response to dealing with difficult emotions. You are saying you never had an opportunity to speak your mind and be allowed to be who you are in real life as a child so of course talking about these difficult emotions now could send you into self punishment mode. That you believe that you should be ashamed of having a voice. I am so glad you spoke up. 

You matter. What you have to say matters. You get to reach out to others and say how you feel and experience your own emotions, that is your right as a human. I understand completely how you feel, this was similar to my childhood as well. It's very difficult to give yourself permission to have a voice. However, you are doing it and this dream is proof of that. That you would feel ashamed of talking about it only proves you are talking about it now and it's ok. It's healthy to explore everything that happened and to work towards understanding how your past affected you. That negative voice in your head that tries to convince you it's wrong to do so is lying to you. Tell it to be quiet every time it says you must be wrong for speaking up, that you know what's best for you.

You belong here. I'm very glad you have found us.   

[PrettyPlease]

... . From a very young age on. The criticism was masked in a compliment. As long as you were doing what she wanted everything was fine... .

Hi Breathing new air. Welcome. This section in particular resonated with me, since it was my own experience. This is a particularly insidious mind-trap, I think; it took me a long, long time to uncover it. As Suzn points out, it's maintained inside by a negative voice in the head, or, I think more often in my case, by a positive feeling inside when one of the parent-desired actions is accomplished. I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, for decades, it seemed as if it was really me that wanted to accomplish these things. Yet when I did, I felt hollow, and had to go accomplish more of them, hoping that this time would be the time that I'd get real satisfaction. Rarely did I get any satisfaction, and never for long.

Today, for the first time, reading the "Emotional Deprivation" section of "Reinventing Your Life" by Young and Klosko, I put this all together: I'd been trying to get the emotional validation, the caring, that I'd never gotten, by doing the things that I thought my mother wanted. And not only when I was with her, but continuously throughout my life.  

Another book that contains good information about this issue is "The Narcissistic Family" by Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman, which I just finished; it's short, to the point, and very clear about how this situation (a family that's putting the adult's emotions ahead of the child's) affects the child's life.

Only you can know if you're in the right place here, but if it helps at all, I think you are.  

PP

[Breathing new air]

it's maintained inside by a negative voice in the head, or, I think more often in my case, by a positive feeling inside when one of the parent-desired actions is accomplished. I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, for decades, it seemed as if it was really me that wanted to accomplish these things. Yet when I did, I felt hollow, and had to go accomplish more of them, hoping that this time would be the time that I'd get real satisfaction. Rarely did I get any satisfaction, and never for long.

Thanks, that is exactly what I am talking about. It is changing.  I can look back over the years and see the baby steps away from what my mom wanted. But even as I say that the lines are blurry. I can tell you that going back to nursing school really helped me find independence. But there was always that part of everything that you described. That never enough feeling. Now I get the silent treatment to bring me back in line.

It is hard to comprehend how it is to feel good about myself without measuring what I have done. But I am trying to learn.

Funny this resonates with me today. Yesterday was my 38th birthday. And over the last year, because I cannot be what mom needs me to be, we have not been talking almost at all. It has been good because I have to say it is so easy to slip back into old patterns. But mom or my sisters did not even call to wish me a happy birthday.  I can tell you this is punishment and a test. Be it unconscious on mom's part. But I cannot go back. I would normally call back and actually everything would be normal because I came back to the "fold". But I can't. It took writing it down to recognize it. I can also tell you I am hurting like crazy right now. But I know what I need to do.  Thanks for the words of support.

[whitesands13]

Hi Breathing New Air,

I totally get this.  I can't go backward either.  My mother raged at me for the last time, at least the last time I will have any part in.  She was cruel and vicious, and even though I've said it to myself before, something clicked and I finally understood that no one should be treated like that, there is nothing in this world that I could do to deserve that kind of treatment.  Not that she needs much, if anything.  If she can't bait me in, her brain will come up with something from the past that she outrageously exaggerates to feed her anger and the drama begins.  Anything is justifiable when she needs to blow.  I don't speak to her now, although she has been impulsively mean (or a taunting bully) to get a reaction, but I haven't bitten. 

I know it's hard going.  I think the hardest part for me is the realization that she's not going to change, to love and validate me.  It isn't possible for her, and I'm working to build a strong core within so I don't need those things from her, working with my T, slow going sometimes, and then other times it's so clear!  It's time to take our power back, and I'm finding BPDm is acting out more.  I've been warned things will get worse before they get better.  It can be unnerving and awful at times.

I wish you the very best.  You CAN do this. 

[Breathing new air]

I have to agree. It is funny but this conclusion is such a major part of feeling better about one self.