My First Post...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,  This is my first post.  Sorry, it is long and I need to vent... .

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She is truly nasty and crazy.  I finally was able to completely shut her out of my life a little over 3 years ago.  Since then, I have not seen or spoken to her.  This is all very good for me.

As is true in BPD fashion, my mother splits. My family is very small.  My mother and father were both the only children.  Hence, I have no aunts, uncles, or first cousins.  My small familial nuclei consisted of my brother and my mother and then me and my father.  My brother was all good and me and my father were all bad... .  My father finally left when I was about 14.  He just couldn't take my mother extreme nasty craziness any longer.  She truly broke him.  Fortunately, when he left, I was at a more independent age.  I started working and hanging out more with friends.  Then, I left for college and never looked back... .(well, I never lived back at home once I went to college).

Having grown up with a BPD mother, alcohol became one of my favorite ways to escape craziness and to numb myself out.  I finally decided that I needed to stop drinking and confront my inner demons once an for all.  I have not had a drink in 3 weeks... .Today marks day one of the fourth week.

However, I am being majorly triggered right now and it is directly attributed to my most recent conversation with my Brother.  

Hence, I have decided to come here and simply vent.  I no longer want to numb my feelings through alcohol.  I have tried it all my life and it hasn't worked for me yet.  Instead, I am going to face all my emotions head-on and through writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences.  

That said, I love my brother.  I truly want him to be happy.  Although I have not spoken to my mother in over 3 years, I was able to maintain a relationship with my brother... .that is up until recently.  Too much too get into now but this past April I realized that I also needed to lovingly detach from my brother in order to fully heal the wounds inflicted upon me by my crazy mother.  I emailed my brother's girlfriend the reason why I needed to "lovingly detach" from my brother (I knew she would share them with my brother).  Here it is below:

"... .Honestly, I have had it too with the dysfunctional dynamics between my brother and my mother and then how that dysfunction impacts [my brother's] moods and how he inevitably lashes out at me.  I have had it.  The dynamics do not change and it is really sick and unhealthy.  At least it is for me and I no longer want to be apart of that anymore... ."

I had no contact with my brother or his enabling girlfriend from April until mid-June 2013, when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.   From then on, my brother and I would chat about once a week or so.

My brother is currently unemployed (again... .) and is interviewing for a new job.

So yesterday, out of the blue, my brother calls me up.  This call and subsequent calls has put me right into a bad mood.  Even today, 24 hours after the fact, I am still stewing in my own juices.  This morning, I wrote an email to my brother summarizing our conversation from the day before and reiterating my desire for distance.  

Here is the recap of my conversation with my brother:

On Monday, September 9, 2013:

He called me at 2:04 pm and the call lasted for a total of 2 minutes.  He proceeded to tell me about his job interview.  Admittingly, I was listening half-heartily in that I was in the middle of something when he called.  I told him that I needed to finish something up and would give him a call right back.  I couldn't finish what I was working on and give him my undivided attention at the same time.  

I finished what I needed to do and called him right back at exactly 2:10 pm.  This conversation lasted for exactly one minute.  We proceeded to briefly talk about his interview until Lucy (not my mother's real name) beeped in.  He wanted to take her call and told me that he would call me right back.  I said, “OK. Fine”.

He finally called me back at 3:37 pm and this call lasted for a total of 3 minutes.  I began to once again ask him questions about his interview.  I asked him what would he be doing and what industry would he be working in.  With that, he became all pissy and nasty and snapped at me.  

His response to my questions was, “I just ___ing told you… you weren’t listening?”  The truth is is that he did tell me when he originally called me at 2:04 pm.  But, again, I was not able to pay 100% attention... .

Obviously, his nastiness put me on the defensive.  

I proceeded to remind him that when he first called, I was in the middle of something and could not give him my full attention and that I had to call him back.  I finished up what I needed to do and, as promised, immediately called him back.  I again reminded him that we only spoke for about a minute before Lucy beeped in… and, it is here he interrupted me and once again snapped…

As soon as I mentioned Lucy’s beeping in, he snarled in the most hostile tone, “Oh so this is what this is all about?  You’re pissed because I took Lucy’s call?”

Not surprisingly, his 2nd nasty outburst put me even more on the defensive.  

I tried to maintain my composure and wanted to continue our conversation.  I responded to his nastiness, while trying to remain calm, “No, not all… so… what industry is the company in?”

His response to this question, “Go look it up on the ___ing computer… ”

This 3rd nasty response from him simply put me over the edge.  I immediately snapped back, “I’m not looking it up on the ___ing computer because I just don’t give a ” and immediately hung up the phone on him.

That is basically the rundown of our last conversation.  I emailed him the above summary this morning and again reiterated my desire for no contact for the time being.

Question:  Am I just being sensitive?  Again, I am really stewing.  It is these types of dialogues that send me right to the package store... . 

I struggle with what is normal and what is not normal.  I am 47 yo and still don't really know... .

[DaughterOfCrazy]

Hello,  This is my first post.  Sorry, it is long and I need to vent... .

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She is truly nasty and crazy.  I finally was able to completely shut her out of my life a little over 3 years ago.  Since then, I have not seen or spoken to her.  This is all very good for me.

As is true in BPD fashion, my mother splits. My family is very small.  My mother and father were both the only children.  Hence, I have no aunts, uncles, or first cousins.  My small familial nuclei consisted of my brother and my mother and then me and my father.  My brother was all good and me and my father were all bad... .  My father finally left when I was about 14.  He just couldn't take my mother extreme nasty craziness any longer.  She truly broke him.  Fortunately, when he left, I was at a more independent age.  I started working and hanging out more with friends.  Then, I left for college and never looked back... .(well, I never lived back at home once I went to college).

Having grown up with a BPD mother, alcohol became one of my favorite ways to escape craziness and to numb myself out.  I finally decided that I needed to stop drinking and confront my inner demons once an for all.  I have not had a drink in 3 weeks... .Today marks day one of the fourth week.

However, I am being majorly triggered right now and it is directly attributed to my most recent conversation with my Brother.  

Hence, I have decided to come here and simply vent.  I no longer want to numb my feelings through alcohol.  I have tried it all my life and it hasn't worked for me yet.  Instead, I am going to face all my emotions head-on and through writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences.  

That said, I love my brother.  I truly want him to be happy.  Although I have not spoken to my mother in over 3 years, I was able to maintain a relationship with my brother... .that is up until recently.  Too much too get into now but this past April I realized that I also needed to lovingly detach from my brother in order to fully heal the wounds inflicted upon me by my crazy mother.  I emailed my brother's girlfriend the reason why I needed to "lovingly detach" from my brother (I knew she would share them with my brother).  Here it is below:

"... .Honestly, I have had it too with the dysfunctional dynamics between my brother and my mother and then how that dysfunction impacts [my brother's] moods and how he inevitably lashes out at me.  I have had it.  The dynamics do not change and it is really sick and unhealthy.  At least it is for me and I no longer want to be apart of that anymore... ."

I had no contact with my brother or his enabling girlfriend from April until mid-June 2013, when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.   From then on, my brother and I would chat about once a week or so.

My brother is currently unemployed (again... .) and is interviewing for a new job.

So yesterday, out of the blue, my brother calls me up.  This call and subsequent calls has put me right into a bad mood.  Even today, 24 hours after the fact, I am still stewing in my own juices.  This morning, I wrote an email to my brother summarizing our conversation from the day before and reiterating my desire for distance.  

Here is the recap of my conversation with my brother:

On Monday, September 9, 2013:

He called me at 2:04 pm and the call lasted for a total of 2 minutes.  He proceeded to tell me about his job interview.  Admittingly, I was listening half-heartily in that I was in the middle of something when he called.  I told him that I needed to finish something up and would give him a call right back.  I couldn't finish what I was working on and give him my undivided attention at the same time.  

I finished what I needed to do and called him right back at exactly 2:10 pm.  This conversation lasted for exactly one minute.  We proceeded to briefly talk about his interview until Lucy (not my mother's real name) beeped in.  He wanted to take her call and told me that he would call me right back.  I said, “OK. Fine”.

He finally called me back at 3:37 pm and this call lasted for a total of 3 minutes.  I began to once again ask him questions about his interview.  I asked him what would he be doing and what industry would he be working in.  With that, he became all pissy and nasty and snapped at me.  

His response to my questions was, “I just ___ing told you… you weren’t listening?”  The truth is is that he did tell me when he originally called me at 2:04 pm.  But, again, I was not able to pay 100% attention... .

Obviously, his nastiness put me on the defensive.  

I proceeded to remind him that when he first called, I was in the middle of something and could not give him my full attention and that I had to call him back.  I finished up what I needed to do and, as promised, immediately called him back.  I again reminded him that we only spoke for about a minute before Lucy beeped in… and, it is here he interrupted me and once again snapped…

As soon as I mentioned Lucy’s beeping in, he snarled in the most hostile tone, “Oh so this is what this is all about?  You’re pissed because I took Lucy’s call?”

Not surprisingly, his 2nd nasty outburst put me even more on the defensive.  

I tried to maintain my composure and wanted to continue our conversation.  I responded to his nastiness, while trying to remain calm, “No, not all… so… what industry is the company in?”

His response to this question, “Go look it up on the ___ing computer… ”

This 3rd nasty response from him simply put me over the edge.  I immediately snapped back, “I’m not looking it up on the ___ing computer because I just don’t give a ” and immediately hung up the phone on him.

That is basically the rundown of our last conversation.  I emailed him the above summary this morning and again reiterated my desire for no contact for the time being.

Question:  Am I just being sensitive?  Again, I am really stewing.  It is these types of dialogues that send me right to the package store... . 

I struggle with what is normal and what is not normal.  I am 47 yo and still don't really know... .

[Suzn]

Hello DaughterOfCrazy  

I'm sorry you are struggling with your brother right now.    It's really difficult when there are stressors that interrupt a conversation. We all understand not being sure of what's normal and what's not in behaviors here. That alone can cause a lot of frustration. Then you have him unemployed, trying to secure a job and wanting to share this, you struggling to remain in contact with your only brother and your mother appears (via a phone call). Not an easy combination.

You've come to the right place to learn more about the effects of BPD on children, adults now as it is. We share and practice using a lot of communication skills here that can be really helpful for your relationship with your brother. Bpd or not, they work very well for any difficult relationship.

Here are just a few examples

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

How are you coping? have you considered a therapist for support with what you've been up against? They add such insight into our lives, I've learned many helpful tools from mine. Do you and your father speak? I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story. Keep posting, it helps.

[DaughterOfCrazy]

Hello, Suzn!  And thank you for your reply.

Thing is, I am just sick of the interactions.  It is interactions of extremes.  This pattern has been going on all my life!

Below is another note that I recently wrote to my brother... .prior to the one I posted today... .

"I just do not have the energy anymore to partake in this continued crazy dysfunction.  For example:

1.      To constantly listen to [my brother] rehash the nasty, hostile, crazy crap that comes out of my Mother’s mouth and then to hear how conversations end with him calling her real nasty names and violently throwing the phone across the room… (one extreme)

2.      Switching into a truly “boopy, goopy, ga ga State-of- Mind” with [Lucy, the "mother"] –   (another extreme)

I mean, come one… Does this sound familiar?  It should because it is a constant dysfunctional dynamic."

My father checked out when I was about 14.  I just couldn't take my mother's constant nasty and vicious verbal attacks.  My mother truly broke him (though he was always a piece of milk toast to begin with).  He moved to Florida, changed his name, and we lost touch.  He resurfaced about 15 years ago.  He had terminal prostate cancer.  We reconnected very briefly.  I asked him what happened (as to why he disappeared, changed his name, etc)... .His response, "I just snapped".   Now, looking back it makes perfect sense to me... .

I have been in therapy many, many times over the past years... .from anxiety, to depression, to anger, etc.  I have wasted countless time and dollars.  I would not rule out therapy again.  However, this time I really need to see a therapist who specializes in adult children of BPD parents. 

BPD is truly a devastating mental illness and not too many people truly understand it and the negative impact it has on family members... . 

Thanks again for your response, Suzn.  I am going to look through the links you provided.  Much appreciated!

DOC

[Suzn]

I get it. You're right, very few people understand. The extremes are hard, I get that too. Setting boundaries are easy, enforcing them is another matter. Does your brother live nearby or are all of your conversations on the phone?

A very simple example of SET with one of these conversations could go something like this...

S-I understand you are very upset with what Lucy said

E-anyone would be

T-Right now I would like to invest my time in our relationship and hear about you and other things in your life.

It's difficult, as you know, if your brother has an enmeshed relationship with your mother for him to not be fully immersed in FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. These are powerful emotions that can move one to do or say things they wouldn't normally. As much as you get to have boundaries, he does too. You want him to respect your wishes about not having the extreme conversations, you have to be the one to enforce your boundaries (they are yours)... he on the other hand has chosen differently, you have to respect his boundaries too. Coming out of the FOG requires diligence and a lot of self discipline in distancing emotionally, or finding a balance. He's not there yet. We have to respect how he feels (or validate) how he feels, meaning simply, he get's to love his mother if he wants to with no judgement.  

I mean, come one… Does this sound familiar?  It should because it is a constant dysfunctional dynamic."

Right now he is in the middle and it's likely hard for him, he loves you too. This comment above likely puts him in a position to need to choose sides or fix the dysfunction, he has no idea how to do this, his anger shows he doesn't have the answer. This is a no win situation for him, and for you.

I'm sorry to hear your father snapped and left with no contact, I'm sure that was really hard for you and for your brother. Your plan for a therapist with working knowledge of adult children of a BPD parent is an excellent idea.  

Looking forward to hearing what you think of the links DOC.

[DaughterOfCrazy]

I get it. You're right, very few people understand. The extremes are hard, I get that too. Setting boundaries are easy, enforcing them is another matter. Does your brother live nearby or are all of your conversations on the phone?

A very simple example of SET with one of these conversations could go something like this...

S-I understand you are very upset with what Lucy said

E-anyone would be

T-Right now I would like to invest my time in our relationship and hear about you and other things in your life.

Hi suzn,

Again, thank-you for your response.  I really do appreciate it!

My brother lives abut 60 minutes away.  Our conversations are all over the phone. 

I love my brother and I want to have a healthy relationship with him.  The problem I have is that he will bhit and complain about Lucy's [the "mother] nastiness.  They end up not talking for days or weeks on end.  Then, out of the blue they kiss and make up.  Once they kiss and make up, my brother inevitably lashes out at me. 

I have tried to put distance between me and my brother.  I have told him many times that I no longer want to hear about Lucy's nastiness or how they are not talking yet again.  Yet, when he and Lucy are not talking, he always brings it up and goes on and on about how crazy she is. He absolutely suffers from FOG when he and my mother don't talk. (I understand because it took me years and years and years not to feel guilty or obligated.  My mother has been "dying" and "on her way out" since I have been 10.  Ever since I can remember, she would start off conversations by "When I die, then... ."  The ironic thing here is that she will most likely out-live all of us!)

I keep reminding him to simply "hang-on" and that this state is only temporary.  I also remind him that it is only a matter of time before things switch back into a truly luvy-duvy, poopy goopy ga ga" state of mind (Seriously, my mother is crazy... .once she enters her "poopy goopy ga ga state of mind" she starts to talk like she is 5 years old.  It is truly bizarre!

Then, once they kiss and make up, he instantly lashes out at me... .(I memorialized our last conversation in my first post).  We don't speak for a while... .we start speaking... .he starts bhiting about my mother... .they stop talking for a week or so... .then kiss and make up... .then he lashes out at me... .wash... .rinse... .repeat... .

So, my question is how do I maintain a relationship with my brother, when I already know the cycle.  It is consistent.  ...

[Suzn]

I love my brother and I want to have a healthy relationship with him.  The problem I have is that he will bhit and complain about Lucy's [the "mother] nastiness.  

The "problem" is that his complaining makes you uncomfortable. Would it be fair to say you fight wanting him to do what you have done, which is simple "to us"... stop talking to her and you won't have to worry about it anymore?  

I have tried to put distance between me and my brother.  I have told him many times that I no longer want to hear about Lucy's nastiness or how they are not talking yet again.  Yet, when he and Lucy are not talking, he always brings it up and goes on and on about how crazy she is.

One of my personal boundaries is whenever a phone call upsets me, or the other person, it's time to end the call. Respectfully. Something like this... "I understand you're upset. I would be too. This upsets me and I need to go for a while. When you are ready to talk about things other than Lucy then we can talk again soon. I love you, talk to you later, ok?" If he says ok then say ok, bye. If he continues to rant, hang up. Follow through, every time.

He absolutely suffers from FOG when he and my mother don't talk. (I understand because it took me years and years and years not to feel guilty or obligated.  

He suffers from FOG all the time. You have had several years of distance and therapy, you are light years ahead of him.

Then, once they kiss and make up, he instantly lashes out at me... .(I memorialized our last conversation in my first post).  We don't speak for a while... .we start speaking... .he starts bhiting about my mother... .they stop talking for a week or so... .then kiss and make up... .then he lashes out at me... .wash... .rinse... .repeat... .

This is another example of him being caught on the fence with you and your mother. Boundaries are your best friend. These are not rules for him to live by, they are your rules for you to live by. Meaning, if he lashes out at you it's up to you to end the conversation, for you. This isn't about punishing him (since he lives in FOG), this is about teaching him how to treat you.

One of my standard responses to people in my life that attempt to complain about someone in their life without any attempts of their own to better their situation is an indifferent "that's life with <insert name>, let's talk about something else." Over time, not over night, this will plant the seeds. Be prepared, this could get worse before it gets better.  

If so, hang on DOC, this state will only be temporary.     :)eep breaths, stay calm.

[gloveman]

     You don't have to apologize for a long post. We are all here for you. Write all you want. Vent all you want. That's what we are all here for.

     My brother has always had a love you/ hate you relationship with our BPD parents. So I can identify with that. It resulted in him developing BPD.

      He thought he could do better on his own so my cousins and I bought him out of our family business. Then he discovered that no one wanted to partner with him none of his friends, none of his golf buddies, no one, and he is truly alone and on his own. He has no idea why.

     I too was in and out of therapy for years until I finally got over all the issues and traumas from childhood and working with my BPD father and brother.

     Keep posting.

[DaughterOfCrazy]

Dear Suzn and Gloveman. 

Honestly, I am so extremely grateful for your replies.

Gloveman, you were very kind by posting, "You don't have to apologize for a long post. We are all here for you. Write all you want. Vent all you want. That's what we are all here for."

It is so good for me to vent to people who have lived the hell of uBPD.  There are really few people out there that truly understand or get it... .I mean... .really get it because they lived it... .

So vent away, I will!  -:)

Suzn, I much appreciate your insightful comment, "The "problem" is that his complaining makes you uncomfortable. Would it be fair to say you fight wanting him to do what you have done, which is simple "to us"... stop talking to her and you won't have to worry about it anymore?"

The answer is, "Yes!"  For me, when he goes from being my BFF, to lashing out at me, I feel an intense sense of letdown and abandonment.  And, yes, I truly like the times in which I am his BFF.  It is instinctive for me.  I get sucked in each and every time.  When he turns on me, it stings deep into my core.  The switch is akin to a stealth, full-scale, targeted military strike.  I don't even see it coming.  It is just "all of a sudden" there.  And, I absolutely hate it when brother and my mother once again "team up".

Each an every time my brother lashes out, I react by first going on the defense, and then immediately switching into the offense.  These conversations end badly and then we don’t talk for weeks on end.

I am just so tired of it.  It has been like this all my life. (Same dynamic I had with my mother until I was finally able to break free a little over 3 years ago).

It has always been my mother and my brother and then, me and my father.  My brother was my mother’s “Chosen One”.  He was “the Son” and she was “the Mother”.  My brother was “a McCabe” (McCabe is my mother’s on-line maiden name, i.e. not her actual maiden name).  I, on the other hand, was "such a Johnston” (Johnston is my father’s on-line surname).  The McCabe’s were ALL GOOD.  The Johnston’s were ALL BAD.

I understand that my brother is also a victim of Lucy’s craziness.  He did not ask to be the “Chosen One”.  He was just born into that role.

Today, he abuses alcohol.  He has major underlying rage issues.  These rages come out when he is intoxicated.  He is ok drinking at home either alone or with his live-in girlfriend (who also likes to drink and is his enabler).  He cannot be trusted drinking and socializing in public or with other people.  95% of the time, these interactions end with him getting highly intoxicated and then picking fights with people at the party or making a complete ass out of himself by saying and repeating (over and over) really stupid stuff.  He thinks he is funny but everyone else around him is totally offended.

I, too, have a history of alcohol abuse.  My drinking is my way to numb out and not have to deal with all my negative emotions and self-loathing.  I have major intimacy and self-esteem issues including an intense fear of abandonment and the inability to feel safe while being vulnerable.  My biggest insecurity is that “if someone really gets to know me, then they will not like me and they will run” and that “I am unworthy of being loved”.

I am a 47 yo, single female.  Never married and no kids.  It was my choice not to get married nor to have kids.  I never had the urge to be a mother and always feared I would turn into my mother.  Honestly, I could not have asked for a more worse role-model than Lucy.

Intellectually, I know my inner dialogue is not true. I have always been above-average in looks, above-average in intellect, above-average in career, above-average in a lot of things... .and blah, blah, blah... .I really did try…

Thing is, it has never been enough.  No matter what I do nor how hard I work.  It is never, ever enough…never… I am constantly consumed by a pit of loneliness and emptiness.

About a month ago, I finally made the decision to face my demons head on.  I have not had a drink in almost 4 weeks (that is a long time for me ... ... )... I am also eating better and getting more sleep.  I am getting to the point where I am ok just sitting and being with myself.   I am also learning new ways to listen to and soothe my “inner child” versus numbing her out to shut her up. 

As mentioned previously, my familial nucleus is extremely small in that my mother and father were the only children.  I have no aunts, uncles, or cousins.  It was always my mother and my brother and then me and my father.  My father is long gone.  Today, it is my mother and my brother and then just me.

It pains me that my brother and I are not once again speaking and that our conversation once again ended on an angry outburst from me and then me hanging up the phone on him.  This is not the first time our conversations have ended on this note and I feel confident that it won’t be the last time once we kiss and make up.   

I am tired of this dynamic.  It really is not healthy for me and for my recovery.  On one hand, I try to convince myself that I simply need to now shut my brother out of my life.  On the other hand, he is the only family I have.  On one hand, I know these repeated interactions with him are extremely detrimental to my long-term well-being.   On the other hand, I hate the thought of not having a relationship with my brother.  Again, he is the only family I have…

I just don't know what to do.  Either option is a lose-lose for me... .

We have not talked since my last email to him on Tuesday, 09/10.  Most likely, we will not talk until my Birthday at the end of October (that is if he calls me)... .

Ok... .so there... .How is that for a vent?

[sophiegirl]

Hello.

I think we can all write super long posts and frankly they don't even cover a fraction of the story! so please don't apologise. I am 47 too and after all these years I am posting on this forum because I've run out of energy trying to cope. I've spent many years with minimal contact with BPD mother which were great but for the last 5 years she's back in my life and my health is sliding downhill. I can't give you any advise because I don't know the answers but just thought I'd let you know you're not alone.

[DaughterOfCrazy]

Thank-you, Sophiegirl! You're post means a lot too me! 

[Calsun]

Hi DaughterofCrazy,

Thanks for sharing your story.  For years, I saw my mother's abusiveness as a problem with my mother.  That was just the tip of the iceberg.  Where there is denial in the family system, there is a family disease.  And like alcoholism that becomes a family disease, I think BPD becomes that, as well.

My brother was the good one in my uBPD mother's splitting.  My father and I were the bad ones.  And my sister was kind of a lost child, trying to stay in the middle while ultimately upholding to her detriment the power structure of my mother and brother at the top of the hierarchy.

And so much of my life I tried to have a relationship with my brother.  And it was possible to a degree if I played my role, the less than son, and he got to be the one above me.  I had always hoped that he would come to a place of love and a sense of justice, and acknowledge that my mother's casting me as a scapegoat and a black sheep was wrong, abusive and unjust.  Surely, my brother loved me and thought better of me than that.  But my brother held voraciously to that script.  After all, he got to be the good one, the loved one, and his being loved was dependent in part on my being bad and unloved. It was always in comparison to others that we were either "loved" or rejected. Of course, he really wasn't anymore loved than I was.  He wasn't really seen either.  He just got the better end of my BPD's mother's splitting narcissistic projections.

I've come to see that even though I love my brother, it's really not possible to have a truly loving, healthy relationship with him until he is able to overcome the denial, relinquish his place as the "good" and "best" one and realize that it is really an obstacle to his own happiness, too.  But that's a tough thing for someone to give up, that kind of pseudo-self-esteem, when the real kind of self-esteem comes with abandoning denial and realizing that the "good" splitting feedback you got from a very ill mother had no more to do with your real person than my being cast as the "bad" and "hateful" one.  

Best,  

Calsun

[Hamster]

I have logged on and read  people's dilemmas with their BPD ppl a couple times in like, the past year or so and lemme tell ya, I feel compelled to just start blabbing to you as if we grew up together and are BFF's.  I also have a lunatic mother and brother that I cannot please to save my effin life and its so hard when they go a while behaving like normal, nice, awesome people and then you turn around and it is SATAN and her spawn coming after you.  I try to tell my brother that if mom tells him something, ANYTHING that is about me and it concerns him in any way, to please discuss it with me before choosing randomly to act on it in whatever negative manner he sees fit ( for ex, lashing out at me about embarrassing and/or untrue gossip my mother told him last tuesday in front of all of our mutual friends at a huge party after drinking too much)

I do have some advice... .which is a rarity on here,  I was independent and on top of the world a few years back, and I took it for granted and partied all night every night, went on irresponsible shopping sprees, ended up moving back home "to save up for a down payment on a house" ya right.  Long story short, lost my job and I sit here in this house with devil mom.  My brother has done everything by the book and he is doing well as far as financial , but he seems so unhappy when I do hang with him (which is not often bc he thinks I am actually OK with my life as it is right now, and throws it in my face repeatedly that he has a job and I do not)... .

 

Anyhow, he's my little brother... .I just tell myself he's got his own mommy issues and try to not take it personally.  I told him once, "Little Brother, I KNOW I screwed up my career and my life and I AM starting over again.  Sometimes it is a struggle to just get through one day bc I am so depressed and frustrated and scared that I will NEVER get back on my feet, but you need to know that I'm more pissed off at myself than you EVER could be so PLEASE try to remember that when I am actually out, like 5 times a year at most, hanging around and smiling, i just need a break from the neverending jobhunt and rejections and empty inboxes etc.)

BUTTT... .my brother will be awful to me again and make me cry, and that's when I take a break from him.  I have like a handful of true  friends (none of whom live w/in 4 hours drive from me) since we moved a lot growing up, and then I went to college, and shoulda made plans to stay away like you did, but I was wreckless and irresponsible and now my LIFE SUCKS haha. But, I learned a load and I had a blast, and now I am starting to make up little things on my resumes to see what will work. Like it is a game.  ... .hmmm I wonder if they would ever bother to verify that I am fluent in 6 languages... .hope not!... .haha  I am at wits end and then the selfish, childish, ME ME ME mom is ALWAYS Discouraging me and reminding me how much I OWE her for all she's "done for me" by giving me a place to live, food to eat etc.

If it were up to her, I'd live here forever... .and I thrive on my independence, and I miss it so damn much. so hopefully this rambling at 5am makes sense to you, PROTECT your ability to not have to depend on them for ANYTHING and try not to take their behavior personally (which if u figure that out lemme know how) hahah and lemme know if u know anyone that is hiring.  hahah  

EW!  I always write these never ending, TMI, 1st grade paragraph structure stories on here.  

[Suzn]

Today, he abuses alcohol.  He has major underlying rage issues.  These rages come out when he is intoxicated.  He is ok drinking at home either alone or with his live-in girlfriend (who also likes to drink and is his enabler).  He cannot be trusted drinking and socializing in public or with other people.  95% of the time, these interactions end with him getting highly intoxicated and then picking fights with people at the party or making a complete ass out of himself by saying and repeating (over and over) really stupid stuff.  He thinks he is funny but everyone else around him is totally offended.

DOC this is my history with my younger brother almost to a t. This is his stuff. The drinking is his (and was yours) unhealthy, maladaptive coping technique. As you know it is self destructive. For most of my adult life I was one of his enablers, hoping somehow to save him from his own demise. The most difficult realization was that I had to distance myself emotionally from his way of coping and stop judging him for it. Things changed for him when the result of his own consequences caught up with him. Finally, today, he is 2 years sober. I had to learn how to support him without enabling, without being judgmental. That part was important. To learn what's his and what's mine.  

I, too, have a history of alcohol abuse.  My drinking is my way to numb out and not have to deal with all my negative emotions and self-loathing.  I have major intimacy and self-esteem issues including an intense fear of abandonment and the inability to feel safe while being vulnerable.  My biggest insecurity is that “if someone really gets to know me, then they will not like me and they will run” and that “I am unworthy of being loved”.

DOC your self awareness is outstanding. Kuddos to you for taking responsibility for your own well being. This is a big deal, this is a very difficult step and you are doing it. Keep it up!  

Intellectually, I know my inner dialogue is not true. I have always been above-average in looks, above-average in intellect, above-average in career, above-average in a lot of things... .and blah, blah, blah... .I really did try…

Recognizing that inner critic is key for you. That negative voice is ALWAYS lying to you! It's great that you are standing up to it and reminding yourself you are worth loving! This is your inner child screaming for your attention. It may sound silly but learning how to care for her is going to be part of your recovery. When these negative thoughts enter your mind picture her feeling this way and what you can tell her that will sooth her feelings (your feelings). "No honey, you are loved, protected and cared for by me now. I will be responsible for us."

About a month ago, I finally made the decision to face my demons head on.  I have not had a drink in almost 4 weeks (that is a long time for me ... ... )... I am also eating better and getting more sleep.  I am getting to the point where I am ok just sitting and being with myself.   I am also learning new ways to listen to and soothe my “inner child” versus numbing her out to shut her up.

This is you taking care of, taking responsibility for, you.    This is self discipline. As much as we want to sooth that inner child's painful feelings, we will also have to insert some discipline. This is not always easy so be kind and caring with yourself as you learn these new skills. What are these new ways to listen to and self sooth?

As mentioned previously, my familial nucleus is extremely small in that my mother and father were the only children.  I have no aunts, uncles, or cousins.  It was always my mother and my brother and then me and my father.  My father is long gone.  Today, it is my mother and my brother and then just me.

If we are anything alike this would be a key connection. We ALL want a family connection DOC. It is built in, our first connection, our solid ground, our tribe, the ones we seek unconditional love from. We can improve this connection and as you are seeing it has to start with us, if nothing more than setting an example for the rest to have some solid ground. Your expectations will be key here also, as hard as it is, there will be no fantasies played out here. Everyone is who they are and it's up to us to adjust our expectations. Realizing your families behaviors have nothing to do with you... meaning you didn't cause this, their coping skills play out everyday because this is how they were raised, this is the result of generations passing on behavior and coping skills. (your mom was raised by her mom, and her mom raised by her mom... .)

It pains me that my brother and I are not once again speaking and that our conversation once again ended on an angry outburst from me and then me hanging up the phone on him.  This is not the first time our conversations have ended on this note and I feel confident that it won’t be the last time once we kiss and make up.

It is painfully obvious that you love him and want this connection, you sought out help to do this by being here. It is possible. It takes hard work on your part to recover and we will help you along the way.

I am tired of this dynamic.  It really is not healthy for me and for my recovery.

I get it. DOC you have become uncomfortable enough to reach out for help to make changes. It will be important in your recovery to know when you need a break, this is more taking care of you. You will need recoup time in between these interactions if they don't go well and it's up to you how long.

What I have learned in my own recovery is this... if I choose to avoid family members because I can't self sooth, control my own dysregulation, be OK with myself, keep my expectations in check, learn what's mine and what's theirs, etc... what kind of recovery is it really?

I did exactly what you have done, cocooned myself away, created a safe home to kept myself safe from all the possible painful interactions. Spent time with a therapist to help me make sense of all of these things, worked diligently here on this site and now (within this past year), it's time to put what I've learned to the test. Don't get me wrong, that time was necessary to heal some of the wounds so they aren't so tender. They are still there however as time goes on they will be less and less painful to deal with. I see it today as exposure therapy basically. These interacts won't all go well and that's ok, I expect as much. I'm ok with that.  

I just don't know what to do.  Either option is a lose-lose for me... .

Not true. You have come a long way in your recovery to date, you have just arrived at your next step in recovery. There will be many steps, all worth it! You are worth it.  

The lessons over to your right will be invaluable to you----->

Also, these workshops, for your interactions with your brother, may be helpful

COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

Validation - tips and traps