My Sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My name is Laura. I am 32 years old.

I believe that my sister has undiagnosed BPD. I believe that she has been living and struggling with BPD since the age of 13. She is now 33 years old. The trigger for her BPD I am certain, was when my father was arrested in 1993 for sexually abusing myself, J (BPD), and my eldest sister.It was a very traumatic time for us. Our Mum is very strong. Unbelievably strong. She is the rock that held us together. She would drop everything if any one of us needed something. More often than not, it was J that needed her the most. Mum was always there for her, financially, emotionally.


It has been a rough 20 years. She has periods of extreme highs, where she is on top of the world and nothing can stop her... .these are the times when she makes snap decisions, bad decisions. These highs are quickly followed by crippling lows where she blames everyone but herself for the decisions she has made. Whilst in a low, she is verbally abusive. These periods happen every few years, sometimes out of the blue... .but mostly when there is a significant life altering event.

4 months ago she called her 13 year old daughter a ___. Her daughter left to move in with her Dad, her 12 year old brother went with her. This started the current low and the most horrific 4 months of our lives. She has told our Mum that she has NEVER done anything to help her. That she wished that Mum had died in a car accident so she could pretend that she had loving parents. She's verbally abuses Mum, myself and her ex husband on the phone and in text messages. Her daughter refuses to see her. We have tried to help mend that bridge, but when her daughter tries to tell her how she feels J blows up and tells her to F Off and have a nice life. She believes that her daughter is playing games, and that we are all pandering to her. The abusive texts and calls have been a daily occurrence, it just depends on who she wants to take it out on that day.

The last 4 months have taken a toll on all of us. Mum especially. A month ago I took Mum to see a local mental health professional. I just wanted her to talk to someone, and try to understand what was happening a little better. He was the one that suggested that J could possibly have BPD. We spent 3 hours with this incredible man... .it opened our eyes and it also encouraged Mum to make a very hard decision. She cut J off! She stopped answering her calls and didn't reply to her texts. She did the exact opposite to what she had been doing for the last 20 years... .she stopped dropping everything to fix J's mistakes! This has enraged J! She now thinks that Mum has abandoned her.


Today I feel exhausted. J and I follow each other on Pinterest. This morning I popped on to fill in some time and what I came across was horrifying. There was pin, after pin, after pin of self harming (graphic images that made my heart stop), suicide and self hate. I called her. Her phone was disconnected. I did what the mental health professional advised us to do if this type of behavior surfaced. I called the mental health hospital closest to her. The triage nurse called the local police, who went to her address and did a welfare check at the house that J shares with her boyfriend. In the meantime I called Mum and my Step Dad, who both left work and came to sit with me. The Police rang to say that there was no one answering the door. Mum gave them her boyfriends number. We waited.

Then all hell broke loose. Before the Police had a chance to call to say that they had met with Jen she rang me from her boyfriends phone. I was relieved to hear her voice, even as she hurled abuse at me. Little did I know, but her boyfriend has a hydroponic set up in the house and I had just put them in danger of being busted. She threatened to rip my throat out, to burn my house down, the ranting went on for what seemed like an hour. She told me that I don't really care about her and that I just want to see her fail. Then she hung up, and her boyfriend rang back... .and I sat there and listened to a man that I have only met once, threaten to kill me for calling the Police. I tried to explain that I was worried sick, but all he was concerned about was the crop of dope he was growing in the back room. I feel like I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.

Where do I go from here. How can I fix this?

[Lauzy]

My name is Laura. I am 32 years old.

I believe that my sister has undiagnosed BPD. I believe that she has been living and struggling with BPD since the age of 13. She is now 33 years old. The trigger for her BPD I am certain, was when my father was arrested in 1993 for sexually abusing myself, J (BPD), and my eldest sister.It was a very traumatic time for us. Our Mum is very strong. Unbelievably strong. She is the rock that held us together. She would drop everything if any one of us needed something. More often than not, it was J that needed her the most. Mum was always there for her, financially, emotionally.


It has been a rough 20 years. She has periods of extreme highs, where she is on top of the world and nothing can stop her... .these are the times when she makes snap decisions, bad decisions. These highs are quickly followed by crippling lows where she blames everyone but herself for the decisions she has made. Whilst in a low, she is verbally abusive. These periods happen every few years, sometimes out of the blue... .but mostly when there is a significant life altering event.

4 months ago she called her 13 year old daughter a ___. Her daughter left to move in with her Dad, her 12 year old brother went with her. This started the current low and the most horrific 4 months of our lives. She has told our Mum that she has NEVER done anything to help her. That she wished that Mum had died in a car accident so she could pretend that she had loving parents. She's verbally abuses Mum, myself and her ex husband on the phone and in text messages. Her daughter refuses to see her. We have tried to help mend that bridge, but when her daughter tries to tell her how she feels J blows up and tells her to F Off and have a nice life. She believes that her daughter is playing games, and that we are all pandering to her. The abusive texts and calls have been a daily occurrence, it just depends on who she wants to take it out on that day.

The last 4 months have taken a toll on all of us. Mum especially. A month ago I took Mum to see a local mental health professional. I just wanted her to talk to someone, and try to understand what was happening a little better. He was the one that suggested that J could possibly have BPD. We spent 3 hours with this incredible man... .it opened our eyes and it also encouraged Mum to make a very hard decision. She cut J off! She stopped answering her calls and didn't reply to her texts. She did the exact opposite to what she had been doing for the last 20 years... .she stopped dropping everything to fix J's mistakes! This has enraged J! She now thinks that Mum has abandoned her.


Today I feel exhausted. J and I follow each other on Pinterest. This morning I popped on to fill in some time and what I came across was horrifying. There was pin, after pin, after pin of self harming (graphic images that made my heart stop), suicide and self hate. I called her. Her phone was disconnected. I did what the mental health professional advised us to do if this type of behavior surfaced. I called the mental health hospital closest to her. The triage nurse called the local police, who went to her address and did a welfare check at the house that J shares with her boyfriend. In the meantime I called Mum and my Step Dad, who both left work and came to sit with me. The Police rang to say that there was no one answering the door. Mum gave them her boyfriends number. We waited.

Then all hell broke loose. Before the Police had a chance to call to say that they had met with Jen she rang me from her boyfriends phone. I was relieved to hear her voice, even as she hurled abuse at me. Little did I know, but her boyfriend has a hydroponic set up in the house and I had just put them in danger of being busted. She threatened to rip my throat out, to burn my house down, the ranting went on for what seemed like an hour. She told me that I don't really care about her and that I just want to see her fail. Then she hung up, and her boyfriend rang back... .and I sat there and listened to a man that I have only met once, threaten to kill me for calling the Police. I tried to explain that I was worried sick, but all he was concerned about was the crop of dope he was growing in the back room. I feel like I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.

Where do I go from here. How can I fix this?

[SchematicDrawing]

Could it be bipolar disorder?  The extreme highs and lows are common to bipolar.  She might also be suffering from the sexual abuse you all experienced as kids. 

The important thing is that you can't fix her.  No one can fix another person.  You did the right thing.  It is not your fault that her boyfriend is growing pot in his house.  She's lashing out at the wrong person.

[Lauzy]

Did I post incorrectly?

[Clearmind]

She threatened to rip my throat out, to burn my house down, the ranting went on for what seemed like an hour. She told me that I don't really care about her and that I just want to see her fail. Then she hung up, and her boyfriend rang back... .and I sat there and listened to a man that I have only met once, threaten to kill me for calling the Police. I tried to explain that I was worried sick, but all he was concerned about was the crop of dope he was growing in the back room. I feel like I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.

Where do I go from here. How can I fix this?

Lauzy, we are between a rock and a hard place. We attempt to help however it backfires. How I know this all too well. Borderlines are impulsive and highs can certainly be met with lows as quick as they come.

Lauzy, you can't fix it - create some distance between you and them and try as hard as you can to not feel obligated to take care of your sister - its hard I know however your Mum has distanced herself because she had to and now maybe you need to find some ways to emotionally distance yourself from sis. I'm not suggesting you go no contact here just detach with love to all her antics.

Lauzy, I'm sorry to hear you were abused as well. I hear your explanation of how things have impacted your sister - how have you processed your past? Do you tend to care take others and not take care of you?