silence has just been broken - advice?

[TigerEye]

Four days of silence has just been broken by a text from my SO saying "oh (insert name), what have you done?"

My initial reply was going to be:

I've stood by something that is important to me, it has cost me everything I hold dear, but it is that important to me.

Comments, thought, improvements welcome. I have to go out but will be checking in on my phone, I'm not rushing to get an answer to her, I want to try and get it right before I do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[honeybadger]

Can I have a little more background?

The silence sucks. I'm in it right now.

[laelle]

What about "ive been right here the whole time, why do you ask?"  Let her bring up whatever she has to complain about, then validate and enforce your boundaries.  To shoot out a boundary as your first reply maybe too much.

Congrats btw, I know the silence sucks. 

[TigerEye]

HB, history in brief... .  

Deal breaking boundary, met with what some may call resistance, others may call projection, guilt, blame, denial, rage, hurt, painting black, silence. . . .

I have just text to say I'm not ignoring her, told her I had to go out and I'll text later, replied with "F* the text, call me"

Wise words laelle, as you can see I've bought myself a little time to consider this, I can see it was a little to hard too fast, that's why I've come to you guys, thanks as always

[laelle]

If she hits a brick wall, she wont even stop to consider your right, she will just think your mean.  Cause we are all big meanies right?  

I admire you in holding your ground.  It isnt easy, but shoving it under the rug just gives you a dirty house.

[TigerEye]

Oh yes, we are the one's with the problem!

Sorry you had a hard time last night, hope you're coping ok today. I had a night with some friends for a birthday, enjoyed myself, good times.

Catch up with you all in a bit, got to go now.

[Grey Kitty]

Good luck!

I think trying to debate serious relationship issues by text message is a difficult proposition. Good for letting you not engage as much, but difficult to actually resolve anything important that way.

Stick with your boundaries, and try not to engage in a fight.

[TigerEye]

So we spoke tonight, I could hear a lot of sadness and hurt in her, but we kept it light-ish, she started to rise at one point but I managed to divert the conversation away, there are a lot of stressful things happening in her life that a healthy person would struggle to deal with, without our problems as well. A lot of validating on my part, worked okay, I feel. Kept away from mentioning the boundary at this point, I want her to lead that if I can.

She got distracted by needing to eat and she went saying she would phone back, which she didn't, but that's okay, we've spoken and I had the chance to remind her that I'm here if she wants to talk, she said "it would be nice to have someone to talk to".

One bit of good news, her DBT starts properly tomorrow after a 7 month delay, which was frustrating the hell out of her. I do believe she wants the help, she has had to fight hard to get it, the services here have let her down on more than one occasion and that's been really hard for her to take when she has been trying to do her part.

So it's early, early days, but a start, we'll see where it goes, I'm being realistic, but you have to take the journey to reach your destination.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like some improvement for you here.

I've not read your prior posts about the boundary you are having trouble with, but here is one thought about boundary enforcement.

The only critical part is actual enforcement. It is often a good courtesy to announce that they will be enforced, but discussing them is not something you need to do. So if talking about them will cause her pain... .  no need to do that. Just keep to your boundaries as well and as consistently as you can!

[TigerEye]

I know what you mean Grey Kitty, but where we are at is defining a boundary based on values, less "you must not do this or I'll do that" more "I can not be in a relationship where this is happening". And this particular issue is a deal breaker so I am trying to give her the opportunity to take this up, after all, I still do want to work on a r/s, deep down she is a good person, she's just disordered.

If it continues I will stand by my boundary and I will end the r/s, but right now I'm looking to improve our r/s and that means waiting out the extinction burst and remembering that she's feeling a lot of shame about the situation. She needs time to process what's been said and the consequences of any future boundary busting, I can give her that, but then it's up to her, I have no control over what she chooses to do and yet I am prepared to do what I have to to stand by my values.

[Grey Kitty]

Tigereye, you sound just a little fuzzy in your boundary to me. Have you read the workshop on them recently? BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I know what you mean Grey Kitty, but where we are at is defining a boundary based on values, less "you must not do this or I'll do that" more "I can not be in a relationship where this is happening". And this particular issue is a deal breaker so I am trying to give her the opportunity to take this up, after all, I still do want to work on a r/s, deep down she is a good person, she's just disordered.

The value part of our boundaries is in choosing what issues to make boundaries on based on what is important to us at our core... .  rather than setting them over anything that just plain annoys us.

The "you must not or I will... .  " vs. "If you do... .  I will... .  " is where boundaries not done quite right start to look controlling instead of assertive. (FYI, I bet most of us here have been accused of being controlling when we are asserting boundaries... .  do listen, but don't believe it just because you are accused of being controlling!)

If it continues I will stand by my boundary and I will end the r/s, but right now I'm looking to improve our r/s and that means waiting out the extinction burst and remembering that she's feeling a lot of shame about the situation. She needs time to process what's been said and the consequences of any future boundary busting, I can give her that, but then it's up to her, I have no control over what she chooses to do and yet I am prepared to do what I have to to stand by my values.

You sound torn about whether you are willing or able to enforce a boundary that would have you end the relationship.

I know that when I was rock solid in my willingness to enforce a boundary, my wife did somehow seem to notice the difference... .  even though she did continue until I did enforce my boundaries at times.

So if you are wishy-washy in your heart about it... .  I suspect you are much more likely to be tested. And perhaps you should re-consider the consequence portion of your boundary. Is there a lesser consequence that you would still protect you without making you hesitate to do it?

I don't know your exact situation, but an example of this would be:

Extreme: If you cheat I'm going to leave the r/s with you

Less extreme: If you cheat I will avoid having sex with you until I know you are "clean" (Research needed for details... .  "clean" == some period of time without other partners followed by a clean STD test)