silence treatment

[Silkroad]

hi all, i havent post in a while, but I follow many posts here... . My suspected BPD husband has been giving the silence treatment for over 3 months now. We have a new daughter, born in the end of january, he was with me in labour and helped until after 10 to 12 days after, being really good. Then things went down hill to a point where i am living like a single mum, but still have to cook, clean, iron(if i dont do these things for him i get shouted at) while also looking for a 4 years old son. will this be the end? is it the last kick in the but i need to get out? not brave enough, being here for 10 years now... . struggling... . in need of a hug!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[connect]

 

Here are two for you ... .

You must be exhausted! That is a very tough thing to handle. Do you have anyone else friends/family that could give you a hand atm? Its a bit much for one person.

Its so unfair that you are being deserted. Is your four year old your husbands child too? Did he react the same way then? I imagine the emotions around a new baby could be a trigger for them for sure and of course he is not getting his usual attentions from you as your priorities rightly lie elsewhere. Did he give you a reason for his silent treatment?

Hugs 

[Silkroad]

hi connect! I am exhausted indeed... . really needed this space to vent my inner suffering... . Yes, our son is his, but to be honest, I dont remember how he was like back then, it seems to be this mechanism of self defense where you forget how bad you have been treated, that why i put myself in this situation again! I wonder if i will ever have somebody to meet my needs... . i know i am in this relationship because i am the giver, but i wonder how long i can survive like this! In the end i dont even know what my needs are... .

He says he doesnt talk to me because i dont listen. We text each other. This is the only communication going. I try to keep cool so it doesnt affect our 4 years old too much. But of course he is already suffering. Until we had our son, i honestly believed he could get healed some how, that this was something even spiritual, (all his life his family have been involved in the ocults, using the family house for this business), i eagerly tried to be good and was so happy when things where well. He is what most people here say their patners are:charming, good looking, inteligent, charismatic, lovable, but he is also very good with his money, being stingy even and also doesnt ever talk about any form of physical self harm(although he smokes hidden from the world, specially because of the type of job he has).

but the more i search the more i believe this crazy illness got me as a victim. I didnt want to have an only child, as i Was a only child myself until i was 16 years old, and we are living abroad, didnt think it was fair to my son to leave him on his own in this world without any blood connection... .

So here  I am, struggling with this crazy relationship - nobody believes what I say, so i stop talking to people, and getting lonely and lonely... . specially with a new baby. I do read the posts here a lot, but dont write very often, only when i am in desperate need of a word... . so thank you so much for posting... .

[VeryFree]

Hi Silkroad

Terrible things are happening to you. Lots of   from me. I know where you are, I've been there. Months of silence treatment can break everybody. Living like a single, while you have a partner isn't right.

My advice: don't let yourself be isolated. I did, and it didn't do me any good. Go out, visit friends, keep talking, keep searching for hearing ears.

[briefcase]

 

I hope you keep posting about your situation here.  It sounds like you could really use the support right now.  In my experience, there is a huge difference between simply reading the posts and material here, and actively working on improving your situation with the support of members here. 

Have you read the Lessons?  Are there some you have tried? 

 

[Mcgddss]

 

Of course you should have hugs.

The silent treatment was what made me know it is a disorder.

I too feel like a single mum.  Doing dishes is my husband's responsibility - and if it doesn't get done I don't sweat it.  Our house is a mess - but I work full time and he is the one at home so I do what I can and nothing more.

Read the Lessons and do what you can, but know that you are doing a lot by being a mum and that we are all here and understand.

[Silkroad]

hi veryscared, you are right, i keep forgeting them dangers of getting myself too isolated. I planned somethings to with with the kids, as his behaviour has been appalling since days after baby was born. I get a bit fed up of turning at places with 2 children and no husband, but that's my life, is should just get used to it. He doesnt do socials at all, but knows most people that i know. So whenever i go with children people know who i am. I just have to realise i dont have to always be explaining myself. I do have few friends whom i have mentioned somethings about my relationship, but i jsut want to get out and have a good time without being consumed by the thoughts of him and making people sorry for me of the life style i lead.

Briefcase: i have read most articles here... . but in the last 4 months since baby was born, i feel like i need to refresh my knowledge... . anyway, it is hard to keep up with the demands of my husband... . now that he has been silence and ignoring me for more than 3 months I am getting tired and angry. Never been this angry with my 4 years old son before. After 10-12 days after baby was born he was good. Then he flipped. and finds everything to be a reason to keep having this behaviour towards me. One day as he was leaving the house, while he was still not talking to me, i could see he couldnt see his phone anywhere, but it was near a shirt he left in the sofa behind him. Just as a normal person would, i said 'its on the top of your shirt' to which he replied 'i didnt ask you anything please DONT TALK TO ME'. That's in  front of our son. Few weeks later was about clothes not being ironed  - he shouted at me - and i said i have 2 children to look for, thought you could do with it at least now for yourself, than all the shouting and screaming again, i turned my back to him, to which he made our 4 years old cry, so i came back, spoiling my turning back, and said it was abuse towards our son to react like that, he shouted on top of me and i shouted back... . i completely lost it, specially when my son was involved. I should have remained cool, but i am under so much stress with this situation that I find it all so difficult.

I shout have posted more, when the episodes actually happen, as I forget some of them and find it painful to talk through them. I still havent learnt that all his shouting and generally about himself, about his frustation with life and anger, and i am not really that bad and rubbish woman!

MCGDDSS

It is crazy how can someone possibly think weeks without talking and ignoring the other person with 2 small children be normal? he does waht he wants to do really, i tried to make a list of things for him and me and it didnt work. He never did his part and was always on my case regarding what i had to do... . so i gave up, i wrote to him a frank email in january (half of the month i was due he was a pain, the other part he was a saint)saying baby was coming i would like him to do anything he wanted to do, because he knew what the chores where and he could pick and choose, anything would be helpful. After we came from the maternity- i had to have a c section- he was doing EVERYTHING  in the house for 10 days, on his standards of course, but he did a great job, cooking 2 meals looking after our older son and so on. i even posted a thank you on faceboo, which is very important for him, saying how good and amazing he was, all the nice things he wants people to know about him. He even thanked me for posting it.After he flipped, to which i dont even remember why now, he stopped everything alltogether, saying i am not the first woman to have 2 children and i am hiding behind them. As if i didnt to anything - i dont have anybody to help and manage to cook , clean, to the shopping , entertain a 4 years old, take him to music lesson to the park, and still look after a newborn. He blocked me from facebook. But i still have access to his account via my fathers account without him knowing. he generally posts loads of photos of our children - which i dont like very much, but havent spoken to him about before so cant complain now, he also keeps his friends frm the master degree he is doing, many young good looking woman - master degree i encouraged him to apply for and try to see if he could have a better career prospects boosting his self steam---

well, i can go on and on about him now, but i feel tired ! i am grateful for your comments, and definitely getting out more this weekend.

[VeryFree]

Hi Silkroad

I've been where you are: always doing things alone. Always being the married single guy. Not any fun. It became fun after our separation: from then on I felt a could be alone everywhere I went. I didn't have to excuse myself anymore. I am single.

Not always fun of course. A lot of things are better when with two.

I have to warn you though: my 10 yrs-r/s was almost always bad. Things really started crumbling, when I decided I should do things alone or else I would die an unhappy old man without friends and with a BPDw.

I even wanted her to tag along, but she didn't. She blamed me not wanting to do things with her and started to make my life miserable, everyday a bit more. Ending in DV.

About the silence treatment: that isn't normal, but beware of the 

If she wouldn't speak to me after a short while I tried to contact her, but she would stay silent or start raging. I would go silent too because of that. Afterwarts she blamed me to threating her silent.

[benny2]

hugs to you silkroad, Its difficult with a new baby under normal circumstances. My ex nonBPD H would always get jealous of the attention spent on the new baby. I can't imagine how it would be with someone who has suspected BPD. So sorry your going through this. Hopefullly things will level out for you. People with this disorder are so unpredictable, I hope things turn around in your favor.

[Mcgddss]

Silkroad

My uBPDh also criticizes me when I don't do things but doesn't do what he said he would.  It is so exhausting.  And he won't sit down to plan out chores.  My kids are at the age where they need to see us doing chores regularly.  I am a teacher, so I will have a work break soon.  I am going to try to get as many plans (laundry, dishes, cleaning) in place this summer so that hopefully next school year goes better.

My thoughts are with you.

[Silkroad]

i think in a way i am behaving like him- to avoid confrontation, or just the thought of him getting mad for not reason... . i actually enjoy being on my own after i put S4 in bed and look after newborn on my own. My H sleeps  in the sofa downstair - he always done it - only slept in our marital bed occcasionaly, which i use to hate but now i quite enjoy because i can co sleep with newborn and older son always comes in the middle of the night. God knows how much i cried in the beginning of this crazy marriage to have him sleeping on our bed! so that's exactly what he doenst do! well, the silence treatment is still going strong - apart from Sunday where he did a bit of shouting but i went outside to avoid it getting any worse and said to him - Why dont you stop fighting me all the time? its enough now, let be ok, look, lets be ok, i am here, i hold nothing against you. - to which he went home slamming doors . Our S4 witnessed it all and i was carrying baby with me. Our S4 said he doenst like when dad did this and is getting a bit confused about this silence - i am feeling for him, and really dont know what to say.  I thought he was going to talk to me after the next few days, but today is Tue already and nothing, he seems to be more gentle when aroound me(we can feel in the air a bit of a difference, cant we?)       i went out to a baby shower on Sat of a friend of a friend who know my situation and it was good to get out. On sat he normally sleeps all day and doenst like to be disturbed even by our son. so i texted him fri to 'ask his permission' to go, because i know he is very jealous of these friends as he knows we get on really well. to my surprise, he even asked if i couldnt sleep over there as well, i replied no because my friend was going to work next morning and i wasnt so friends with the other one to invite myself to go over. He replied: everybody works, but I DONT!  so i didnt mind and went. We came home late in the day and children went straight to bed as we got home. Sunday he saw them briefly in the morning, as i got them ready and left before him, eventhough he was sleeping in the sofa in the middle of the room. We went to church - if you have read any of my posts before, he works in the church as a assistant pastor, believe you or not. so going to church is HIS JOB. We stayed over for a mission meal and he sat separately from us but took our son , people dont say anything but i think they can assume something is wrong - but even rarely when things are well we dont sit together because he normally sits with the teenagers- whom he works with. So after i left i went into town for a while before home because all the shops were open as i normally do. So got home to get him shouting where were my children? and my phone which was on license had missed calls and texts asking'where are my children?' . as we entered the house he came and said where i was, that this is not a family, i always do my own things, took my children away the whole weekend from him - but he said i could on the text- and went on on- as he was louder i left and sat outside - and texted him saying i was a bit later because we had the meal in the church, but i did what i usually do on a sunday , i go to the shops with the kids (because he is obessed with sleeping on a sunday afternoon)  sorry my bad English I am way too tired to type properly. I wrote this big part again to say that i think this fuzz about us going out at the weekend seems like a sign he wants to get closer, hope he heard what i said about being ok with each other. And believe me, Sunday he is preaching and is also father's day. I think he wants to look good having me sitting there... . i have already said to his colleage that he is not what his title says, but only a good communicator, but nobody listens to me. So instead of living this lie with my son witnessing and decided to encourage him to find another working path so he is now half way through his second masters, now in development , maybe he can use his skills to work in a ngo ang leave this kind of job he has at the moment as i also have to deal with his lies there and can never be myself... . thank you for your time reading!

[4now]

 

Wow, what a lot going on for you.  I can't imagine dealing with this with a new baby.  Somehow, either I was oblivious, perhaps, or the BPD wasn't in full swing yet when my kids were little babies. 

I found the part about him sleeping in the recliner interesting.  My h has chronic insomnia and most of the time sleeps not in the bed.  I am like you, I longed for his closeness at the beginning of this.  Now I am relieved when he goes to the couch, I can sleep!

Your English is great, so no worries there! 

Blocked you on facebook?  My h did that to me, too.  Wow the similarities!  Finally, I took my own page down so that he couldn't have the satisfaction of doing it again.  I didn't like it much anyway. 

I know abuse can come from all kinds, but it blows me away that he is a pastor.  Wow, he does need a new career! 

You deserve better than to be treated so badly.  I am sure you know that, but I thought I'd say it anyway. 

Sounds to me like he is just going to blame you for doing whatever you do.  It will be wrong because he will change his mind and he  will expect you to know it by ESP!  I think they feel miserable so if he sees you trying to be okay or perhaps finding some happiness, he will want to squash that. 

Absolutely, you must not get too isolated.  Try to find your happiness where you can and work on taking steps to improve things for you. 

[Silkroad]

thanks 4now

thank you for replying, and thank you for saying i dont deserve to be treated this badly. I have this tendency of not focusing on me at all - that says a lot about how i ended up being in this kind of relationship. We had some great moments last year, which lasted around 4 months uninterrupted, which i thought was the breakthrough, but no think got this bad again and I am suffocating now.

Its just not possible for me to leave, specially with the kids. I dont drive,so, am going to start learning now, but i know i have to expect some extreme behaviour regarding this too. I am so tired and exhausted from living like this. Everything is such a hassle, its disheartens me. Wonder if he wants to be ok now, how i am going to keep on living this lie? how am i going to live the rest of my life not having my emotional needs met?

i needed to vent all these inner questions, but please keep shedding your lights anyone. You are all so kind. thank you.