Silent treatment

[Daybydays]

Hi guys,

It's the first time to start a thread ever. But I decided now is the time, after the 11th break up.

I'm currently a little stressed out. I have received the silent treatment for a week now.  Because apparently I did not responded they way he wanted, about something trivial, (actually I dont even remember what it was about!) which triggered him. We had a great week, and like two seconds before he told me how much he loved me and missed me. Normally I would contact him, trying to make amends, but this time (after 11 times of pushing and pulling) I am more focused on myself, and thought, let each other be (I need to pass everything, I am a student of 26!). And things will turn out allright... .as they always do. And luckily after reading and following threads a lot, I finally understand it's not me (well not only me, as were to fight... .) I thought, I will just give him some time, but I guess that wasn't right either.

So I received an Email today, saying:  " need to talk, this is not going the right direction".

And that old feeling of despair comes up. Will he push me away again? What will he bring up this time? I know it's not personal. But I can't help but feeling very agitated and no focus on school (he knows I have very important exams). I'm again preparing for worst. While this time our time together felt like magic and he admitted that he had issues. Am I so naive?

Thanks for your posts and all the information. And helped me a lot and saved me from not losing it!

PS- I am not in an abusive relationship, also I think I'm not a codep (which I don't judge). I have  a very full life with friends and feel very respected and loved  by him, till he triggers, literally once per month and then we don't talk for weeks, it's a exhausting circle.


Bests,

DaybyDay

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[byfaith]

most of the time I don't feel like I am in a good place to give much advice but reading this post I think I can give a few words

after the 11th break up

analyze this statement.

Unless you find a place to be ok with his behavior and find a way to not feel exhausted then what you are feeling will only get worse.

My wife did the silent treatment before we were married and HER behavior has not changed much. I didn't "understand" the behavior then, I thought it would not persist, but it did.

At least he is letting you know that you need to discuss. You are in a good place on these boards to get some of the help you need. These boards have taught me a lot of things I wished I would have known in the beginning.

I am going through the silent treatment right now over something trivial.

Best wishes

BF

[Daybydays]

 

Hi BF,

With the 11th break-up I mean, the 11th (or somewhat) time he went no contact, and comes back to me via tactics, like sending my stuff back, which triggers me to contact him etc... .And then before I know it, he seems the perfect boyfriend, charming, insightful... .and I keep thinking, maybe we can go in therapy, or maybe I can find a way to overcome my despair and anticipate on the silentreatment, so it won't hurt anymore... .at least it's worth it for now. But I guess deep down I know, this indeed will never change  

Also I'm kinda in a good place writing this, or maybe used to the feeling. Whereas there were times I wanted to smash my head against a wall and had a breakdown.

Also I'm happy to have taken the first step. I hope this board can bring some relieve, and also maybe I can help others.

Are you coping well with the silent treatment? I already read some other storie's, and one said, she saw it as her 'me time'. For me this helps... .it might be sugar coating... .but hey...



Bests,

DBD

[byfaith]

Hey DaybyDays,

It's all based on what you can handle in the long run. Some people are built differently than others. Some handle the problems that come with a BPD relationship differently than others. It's all in what you can learn and then apply and then determine if your SO doesn't change, can you live with it and be ok and not an unhealthy mess.

I am not OK, That is what I am trying to work on. I Don't like the silent treatment, to me that is not how a married couple should behave. I do like my time but not in this form. That's just me.

Best wishes,

BF

 

[SweetCharlotte]

With the 11th break-up I mean, the 11th (or somewhat) time he went no contact, and comes back to me via tactics, like sending my stuff back, which triggers me to contact him etc... .And then before I know it, he seems the perfect boyfriend, charming, insightful... .and I keep thinking, maybe we can go in therapy, or maybe I can find a way to overcome my despair and anticipate on the silentreatment, so it won't hurt anymore... .at least it's worth it for now. But I guess deep down I know, this indeed will never change  

Also I'm kinda in a good place writing this, or maybe used to the feeling. Whereas there were times I wanted to smash my head against a wall and had a breakdown.

Are you coping well with the silent treatment? I already read some other storie's, and one said, she saw it as her 'me time'. For me this helps... .it might be sugar coating... .but hey...

This behavior describes my uBPDh to a tee. Is your bf diagnosed or not? Seeking help? Mine doesn't trust mental health care providers.

I thought I had adjusted well. No more break-ups, just breaks. I used mine to finish several big projects, and was promoted twice while all this was going on. So in a way, it has worked for me, especially with the assistance of this board.

However, not only does the silent treatment/break-up cycle never end, they can start to throw in new and startling twists. Now mine is never totally silent; he texts me several times a day with suicidally-themed messages and accusations. I'm genuinely worried for him and have urged him to seek help this time, especially when he texted me a sad face and said that he wanted to give away his possessions.

It shows that without real therapy not only is there no end to the cycle, but things can and do get worse periodically. We have good spells when I get comfortable, and then, the demon is back (he actually looks like he is possessed when he "turns" on me, the way you have described your bf does, on a dime).

Good luck and do study for your exams!

[Daniell85]

I have gotten loads of silent treatment. It was truly horrible for me until I was able to accept it was going to happen and I couldn't make it stop once it started. Now, it's still painful, but I am avoiding a lot of upset by taking no action to change it atm.

I have a lot of things I need to be attentive to in my life. Like you. You have your studies, daily peace of mind. I think many times, until  we put up solid boundaries emotionally, silent treatment can literally erode your emotional stability until your life is in constant hurt and chaos. So take care of you when it happens and remember it's on the BPD doing it for whatever reason they are doing it.


I have a couple of questions. Are you seeing a pattern in what is setting him off? If you can see one, it may be key to lessening how often and long it happens.

Second, what would you like help with? I mean, what would you like to see happen in your situation? Possibly we can help steer you in that direction, if you tell us where you would like to go on things.

[Daybydays]

x

[Daybydays]

I have gotten loads of silent treatment. It was truly horrible for me until I was able to accept it was going to happen and I couldn't make it stop once it started. Now, it's still painful, but I am avoiding a lot of upset by taking no action to change it atm.

I have a lot of things I need to be attentive to in my life. Like you. You have your studies, daily peace of mind. I think many times, until  we put up solid boundaries emotionally, silent treatment can literally erode your emotional stability until your life is in constant hurt and chaos. So take care of you when it happens and remember it's on the BPD doing it for whatever reason they are doing it.


I have a couple of questions. Are you seeing a pattern in what is setting him off? If you can see one, it may be key to lessening how often and long it happens.

Second, what would you like help with? I mean, what would you like to see happen in your situation? Possibly we can help steer you in that direction, if you tell us where you would like to go on things.

I do not really see a pattern, well, mostely when he's under stress. He did admit this:

One time we had a fight over the most trivial thing, we were in a restaurant and the urgent question was, did I just received a text or not. I told him no, he said yes, I got the silent treatment, he payed and left te restaurant. We got into a fight (at that time I did not know it was best to avoid discussions when he's triggered). When we got home he asked me to leave my key. Next day I texted him to say that I was sorry that things escalated and how it was a pity to fight over these stupid things. He texted me back, that he cancelled our city trip to Rome. I went hysterical, he did not pick up phone. A month later (for the first time to appologize) he texted me to say he was ever sorry and that he couldn't cope with work related stress. That when he was with me, he was happy, and when he also gets stress with me he can't cope, and he thought it was not realistic and he wouldn't EVER EVER do that again... .,Guess what... .well let's say this was about the 3th time.

But I never know when he's stress because he keeps all sorts of things to himself... .So the trigger could be anything. At this point (he did not call) I feel sad again, and frustrated but just mostely sad. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

So I guess I want him to tell me that he is stressed, and I will give him time. But even that backfired. Because now he texted me that things are not going well and we need to talk. I'm confused.

A question for you, or maybe that's a taboo over here, do you ever wonder why you stay? Are we the crazy persons to put up with?

Thanks so much

xo

[Daybydays]

This behavior describes my uBPDh to a tee. Is your bf diagnosed or not? Seeking help? Mine doesn't trust mental health care providers.

I thought I had adjusted well. No more break-ups, just breaks. I used mine to finish several big projects, and was promoted twice while all this was going on. So in a way, it has worked for me, especially with the assistance of this board.

However, not only does the silent treatment/break-up cycle never end, they can start to throw in new and startling twists. Now mine is never totally silent; he texts me several times a day with suicidally-themed messages and accusations. I'm genuinely worried for him and have urged him to seek help this time, especially when he texted me a sad face and said that he wanted to give away his possessions.

It shows that without real therapy not only is there no end to the cycle, but things can and do get worse periodically. We have good spells when I get comfortable, and then, the demon is back (he actually looks like he is possessed when he "turns" on me, the way you have described your bf does, on a dime).

Good luck and do study for your exams![/quote]
Hi Sweet Charlotte,

Thanks so much for your nice reply I just is so relieving to meet people who are in the same situation.

I confronted him with BPD, when we were in a really happy place, and he admitted after reading about the 'symptoms' that he could definitely see were I was coming from. And that he needed help, but he also said, but baby I have you right? While actually, he only ever talks about his feeling when drunk or high. He does adores me, tells me how much he loves me etc etc. But when hits the van, sometimes I do feel that talk is cheap. But then I can tell by small gestures, and sometimes the truth in his eyes how it is all worth it... -ish... and when he's the normal guy other than the bad guy, he's the most loving, sweet person I know. But then these are the same eyes who makes him come across like that demon; It's like he's this totally different person. Saying the worst things, and then I have to move out immediately, and go to my own home (this extreme sitution happened twice). And the triggers are insane, these are so super super trivial... that I sometimes think he wants to pick a battle to push me out of his life.

Just like now, silent treatment for a week because of some thing I said, I can not even recall. The  I let him be, I get this text that 'this' is not going well. I text him back: I have exams and want to talk to him but no drama. And he didn't call.

At these moments, I just want to yell and scream and tell him what a pathetic ass** he is (pardon my language). In stead I wrote him: That I don't know what is happening but if I did something wrong I'm open to hear about that, and that I'm a bit worried by now but I don't want things to escalate and sent him my love.

Needless to say I could not focus on exam  :'(

I guess, this is the new tactic then... .trying to trigger me.

I'm very happy to read you made use of your 'me time' so well! Good job!

I think he can be open to therapy, but I need to have some concrete websites and baby step him into the whole process. But I'm just worried that this will be the start of another break.

He was supposed to meet my parents (after 3 years, because of the breaks, I was a little afraid to introduce him, and also I don't get along well with the parents, met his several times though). This also refers to 'getting comfortable'

Thanks for pointing out that I have to study. I totally will now!

Bests,

DBD

[Daybydays]

That's absolutely true. And I am worried about the long run. I am even worried now. I thought I was in a good place today, till he texted me, and then left me hanging.

I think this is another tactic. I know it's the BPD. And bull***

But jesus, what the heck. Why would you ever go so deep, or try to find another 'creative' way to hurt or make another person mad. Yes I have read all the articles... but still.

Blah. Having a bad moment right now. so frustrating!

Hey DaybyDays,

It's all based on what you can handle in the long run. Some people are built differently than others. Some handle the problems that come with a BPD relationship differently than others. It's all in what you can learn and then apply and then determine if your SO doesn't change, can you live with it and be ok and not an unhealthy mess.

I am not OK, That is what I am trying to work on. I Don't like the silent treatment, to me that is not how a married couple should behave. I do like my time but not in this form. That's just me.

Best wishes,

BF

 

[Daybydays]

So, I did not hear anything. Then I got a a reply to my text  early in the morning, like 05:00 saying he fell asleep, and that I should not worry, and pass my exams . .

Except for the fact that now I think I overreacted ( deep down I know I did not). Also I'm having a hard time believing he 'fell afsleep'.

I am happy that in stead of starting a discussion I sent hem a text when he did not call,  I said I was expecting his call, that I thought he needed some time, and that if there was anything other than that I was open to hear then send him my love.

So I guess I did the right thing? I think I come to understand how to handle since being on this website a lot better. What could his behaviour be? Is this just trying to trigger me after the silenttreatment to find reassurance? And shall I confront him about the first teut, which said: "things are not going well?"

Bests,

DBD