Back in the fog

[burritoman]

I posted the other week about how my gwBPD was caught being a bit forward and flirty with my replacement who she dropped after 3 months then returned to me. Basically, she was caught in a bit of a lie. I very passively confronted on her, making sure to be validating and understanding. She flew into a rage, accusing me of keeping tabs on her. I didn't hear from her again for another 4 or so days, Monday morning.

Within that time it felt very strongly like she was prepping to leave again. She was hurting me, and on Sunday night I chose to block her from social media. She texted me a million times on Monday morning before eventually calling. She left me a voicemail saying that she's very anxious and "YOU'RE the one who said you wanted to work things out," etc. I called her back and we had a decent conversation. She's coming up to see me on Sunday. She had to get back to work so we agreed to talk again later. She never called.

Yesterday I gave her a call in between her jobs. She was less than keen on talking. At one point she said she doesn't see me anything more than friends with benefits at the moment, when just last week she was saying she's my girlfriend. She's focusing a lot on herself, which is fine, but she's also dragging me down by one day saying we're a couple and the next saying she doesn't have time for a relationship.

I love her tremendously, but her behavior is really hurting me. I constantly feel like I'm in the throes of another breakup with her, but then we talk and things are okay. She used to call me once or twice a day with texts in between, now I'm lucky if I hear from her once a week. It's driving me insane. The other day I realized that none of this behavior should be a surprise to me, but because she built me up very high then tapered off again, it's causing me to constantly feel like she's leaving again. She doesn't make me feel like I even exist.

After 3 years with her (with a 3 month break) I can honestly say that she's never acted so coldly. I guess I'm not sure what to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey burrito man, Presumably you get something out of the r/s, or you wouldn't be hanging in there.  What is it?  What would you like to see happen?  Do you have any particular questions?

LuckyJim

[burritoman]

Hey burrito man, Presumably you get something out of the r/s, or you wouldn't be hanging in there.  What is it?  What would you like to see happen?  Do you have any particular questions?

LuckyJim

I love her very much. Taking BPD out of the equation I could see myself marrying her, but at this stage she's worse off than I've ever seen her. Three years is a long time and I've been put through a lot of pain, but a part of me wishes she'd take more responsibility for her actions, which I'm sure is something we all wish of our pwBPD. I'd like to see her show more dedication. I know that I'll never be able to have a perfect fairy tale relationship with her, but there are aspects of her disorder that I can handle, others I cannot. Most importantly, I wish she would stop interaction with my replacement. I've received so many mixed signals and stories about the situation that it makes my head spin and I don't know what to believe anymore.

I did hear from her yesterday. I got a sob story and she needed some comfort. Not a bad conversation in the end. I'd like more of those.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, I don't see how you can stop her from interacting with your replacement, to be honest.  Hoping that she might take more responsibility for her actions may be unrealistic, as you seem to recognize.  Doesn't happen often when a person has BPD.  LJ

[burritoman]

Well, I don't see how you can stop her from interacting with your replacement, to be honest.  Hoping that she might take more responsibility for her actions may be unrealistic, as you seem to recognize.  Doesn't happen often when a person has BPD.  LJ

I agree. No I can't stop her from talking to him. I'm a healthier setting I can be respectful and understanding that she would want him as a friend in her life. Given the circumstances and BPD, I have to be weary of it all. It's just dragging me through the ringer and frankly it hurts.

[an0ught]

Hi burritoman,

getting caught lying to someone and or to yourself can be very painful. It is difficult and maybe impossible to do this with SET without triggering her. You owe it to her and yourself to be respectful and validating but ripping a band aid hurts not matter how you do it. Not surprising that she felt overwhelmed and ran away. In some ways distance was probably what she needed and her heading for that instead of JADE or attacking you was a good outcome.

I did hear from her yesterday. I got a sob story and she needed some comfort. Not a bad conversation in the end. I'd like more of those.

It is easier to live with one elephant less in the room. Still getting them out through that tiny door can be a pain a times.

I agree. No I can't stop her from talking to him. I'm a healthier setting I can be respectful and understanding that she would want him as a friend in her life. Given the circumstances and BPD, I have to be weary of it all. It's just dragging me through the ringer and frankly it hurts.

You can't control what she does when she is not with you. But you can limit what you do and what she does when she is with you. We all want to be liked, loved and understood. Underlying is always respect but that is not a given in a BPD relationship. It needs attention for such a relationship to be possible. Boundaries matter.

[LostInMemories]

I love her very much. Taking BPD out of the equation I could see myself marrying her, but at this stage she's worse off than I've ever seen her. Three years is a long time and I've been put through a lot of pain, but a part of me wishes she'd take more responsibility for her actions, which I'm sure is something we all wish of our pwBPD. I'd like to see her show more dedication. I know that I'll never be able to have a perfect fairy tale relationship with her, but there are aspects of her disorder that I can handle, others I cannot. Most importantly, I wish she would stop interaction with my replacement. I've received so many mixed signals and stories about the situation that it makes my head spin and I don't know what to believe anymore.

Exactly this! Nothing I can add to this. I tried to put this into words for a long time and failed, seems you did manage to put into words exactly how I'm feeling as well... Scary how similar everything is. I know how you feel, and I'm hoping the best for you buddy. Keep your head up is all I can say