Silent treatment

[Zoaron]

So my gf has suddenly decided to start giving me the silent treatment.  We didn't argue or anything. Just out of no where. I had a feeling she was starting to slip the other day, but she didn't rage or anything. The only thing that gave me that indication was that she said she was back after paying a video game, and I asked if she won, then she said it's not about winning, I told her as long as you had fun, and she said 'could've fooled me' then she left with a gtg. Then the next morning she said morning and I told her that I was still in bed and then I told her I was going for a bath, she said she didn't want to hear the play by play and then said she had to go.  she didn't message me till the evening when I was with my girls.  I told her I was with my girls, but happy that I was chatting with her.  She was like 'Right, gtg'. And then this morning I said good morning to her like I always do.  She saw my message but hadn't responded.  And she's been online off and on all day too.  With not even a peep.  

This is a new situation that I'm not sure how to deal with it.

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[lostandconfused6]

So my gf has suddenly decided to start giving me the silent treatment.  We didn't argue or anything. Just out of no where. I had a feeling she was starting to slip the other day, but she didn't rage or anything. The only thing that gave me that indication was that she said she was back after paying a video game, and I asked if she won, then she said it's not about winning, I told her as long as you had fun, and she said 'could've fooled me' then she left with a gtg. Then the next morning she said morning and I told her that I was still in bed and then I told her I was going for a bath, she said she didn't want to hear the play by play and then said she had to go.  she didn't message me till the evening when I was with my girls.  I told her I was with my girls, but happy that I was chatting with her.  She was like 'Right, gtg'. And then this morning I said good morning to her like I always do.  She saw my message but hadn't responded.  And she's been online off and on all day too.  With not even a peep.  

This is a new situation that I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Maybe send  reassuring text? It works with my BPDbf and i'll say something along the lines of I just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you and i'm hope you're day is going well i'm here when you want to talk.

[Pedro]

My ex gf BPD would give me silent treatment for 24-36 hours at a time for no reason she could give me.  I would ask if she wanted to talk about anything that was bothering her, & if it was at weekends when we were both on days off from work, I would leave her in the bedroom for a few hours at a time, keep checking on her, if she needed any drinks or meals, but otherwise leave her be because I didn't have the tools to help her?

[Zoaron]

Maybe send  reassuring text? It works with my BPDbf and i'll say something along the lines of I just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you and i'm hope you're day is going well i'm here when you want to talk.

Maybe I will try that right after my shift.  What's the worst that could happen, right?

[lostandconfused6]

Maybe I will try that right after my shift.  What's the worst that could happen, right?

that's my attitude a lot of the time lately. We have been doing so well and yesterday afternoon while in the car he started into a mini rage i of course didn't react properly and started crying and that led to a full on meltdown about 30 min of him yelling at me calling me every name in the book he snapped out of it and realized he was projecting what his parents make him feel and do to him on to me.

I hope for the nest outcome if you do decide to text her!

[Zoaron]

that's my attitude a lot of the time lately. We have been doing so well and yesterday afternoon while in the car he started into a mini rage i of course didn't react properly and started crying and that led to a full on meltdown about 30 min of him yelling at me calling me every name in the book he snapped out of it and realized he was projecting what his parents make him feel and do to him on to me.

I hope for the nest outcome if you do decide to text her!

Wow.  So she went live in one of her groups, but my phone only said she posted a video. So I went to watch it and discovered she was live, and her reaction when I joined spoke volumes.   I am in the black again apparently. I quickly left the video.

[Zoaron]

So I watched her video.  And at the end of the video, she stated that I'm triggering her and she's not telling me that I'm a huge trigger, even though she knows I watch her videos. So, maybe this her way to tell me.   And she's said she has to work through her anger before she deals with me. 

What do I do?   Help.

[isilme]

With H, I do nothing.  I go about my day, I act polite when we cross, share the car to get to work, etc.  I do not bring anything up.  I do not apologize.  I may ask how his day has gone if time has passed from the original incident, or mention something unrelated to it, like something from work, not related to him. 

This is another form of rage  - the silent treatment.  It's meant to hurt you.  So it's up to you to decide if you let it hurt you.  I try to choose to just be happy I am not being yelled at and continue living life as much as I can.  ou are being punished by being removed from their company, speech, whatever.  But if they are cranky and in a terrible place, is it really that much of a punishment?

The codependent in us all that I think draws us to pwBOD gets distressed over the silent treatments:

What can I do?  What can I say? How do I make them talk to me?  I feel so weird knowing they are mad but removing any resolution from me by not speaking, ignoring me, etc.

What you can do, simply, is choose to have your own feelings and emotions, and treat it a bit like a toddler holding their breath - try to ignore it.  BPD is looking for violent, heavily colored emotions to react to - you reacting gives them fuel for their feelings, an excuse to act badly, and a whipping person to abuse.  It seems in many, many cases, not reacting, being bland, is often very effective.  Ignoring it, not reacting in an emotional manner, puts them off their footing.  It makes them re-evaluate their notions, or at least their actions. 

"That's nice, dear" and similar responses is one of the least expected responses for a pwBOD who KNOWS on some level they are using you to vent their spleens, using YOU to blame for their out of control emotions, using YOU to not take responsibility for acting like a child instead of an adult. 

H blows up.  He goes silent - usually, the pattern for us is a lunchtime/evening blow up (it may have started in the morning, but usually it's a lunch/late afternoon blow up).  I wait out the overt rage if I can't be headed off and I can't leave.  I endure the covert-rage (silent treatment) by finding things I need to do that keep me quiet, forgotten, out of the room, out of sight.  I may sit quietly in the same room, reading, working on a craft project quietly, or I may decide it's a good time to catch up on chores I tend to neglect till company is coming.  I either get ready for bed really early and then wait for him to go to bed, or I let him get everything done so that he will be close to asleep by the time I am done getting ready myself.

We wake up.  We get dressed in relative silence, I don't say more than good morning, see you at lunch.  By the time we get home for lunch, he is usually in a different mood.  By the end of lunch, I gauge if he's approachable or not.  Sometimes it takes till the end of the day, but there's a point I can tell it's over and he is in the self-loathing stage where he feels bad for what he said/did during the rage, for losing his temper at all.  Then I approach him, hug him, he will apologize, and that's it.  It's over. 

This is our conflict process at this time, 21 years into the r/s.  I know it's harder when you don't live together, and have to work to see each other.  But honeslty, nothing you ay or do is going to "make them see" that you are not hurting them, not being mean, not trying to trigger them, and that thier own internal workings are the source of most of the conflict.  So, if you can't say anyhitng that will work, it's best to offer a "how are you" and then leave it.  Nothing else.  No apologies (unless you really did something... .not you were accused of something, but you know in your heart you DID do something to apologize for), no "if you'd only listen I can explain".  Nothing.  It wastes your time, energy, and keeps you mired down in bad emotions, and allows them to punish you. 

[Zoaron]

Actually, we might still be good, and I could be over dramatizing things.  I had a couple beer yesterday, and I told her that, and that's what triggered her.  Honestly, this is an easy fix, cause if alcohol triggers her, I can easily stop that because I usually have at the most 2 at one sitting, and I haven't had a drink in several weeks.

[Gumiho]

Zoaron, yup. Definitely sounds like you're painted black again... .
Islime's point is valid. We shouldn't react to covert-rage whether it's for punishment or not.

... .I know it's harder when you don't live together, and have to work to see each other. ... .

It sure is harder, if you live together, you at least have the optical reassurance that they are fine. But if your SO lives in a 300km remote town and finds it necessary to read your messages, and not reply for 2 days straight. It's kinda inevitable not to snap at some point. (if it was just some monosyllabic reply, it would at least be a sign that she's she's still alive) ... I was quiet and did my things, sometime I wrote a little message like "how do you do?". But she'd continue ignoring me (similar to Zoaron's case she kinda "promised" to call back, Sunday morning in my case), for 2 days straight and we didn't even fight.
I sent her a message last night saying "I'm sure you are preparing for another event. I can relate (s) - You're too busy ^^ I know everything! (e is too hard) - But not replying for 2 days doesn't work." I went to bed after that, only to find that she read it this morning. Though no reply -.-

You have a job, and two girls at home to keep you from worrying to some extent. Imagine you had neither, and it's rainy season in Korea. I'm basically trapped at home, trying to carry on with everydays things while "ignoring back" argh. it's so... .

[Gumiho]

Actually, we might still be good, and I could be over dramatizing things. ... .

I am quite sure you aren't the trigger this time, judgigng what you wrote.

A long time ago I asked my gf why she was always angry at me (in a good moment). She told me she has nobody else to vent. I understood it as a Korean society's problem back then. I wish I knew about BPD back then, well it's another huge I ignored in hindsight, I could have done so much better ^^

Anyways. Be strong! It has nothing to do with YOU.

[Zoaron]

We had a long talk today again.  This time talking about her fears and things like that.  Its actually a talk we've had before, but it's just become more serious because of circumstances happening in our lives.  We're going to take things one day at a time, but the love is still there.

 

[Gumiho]

Glad to read you're fine still (or again)~


fighting~~
Gumiho