Easier route...

[blurry]

Easier route... . laying here thinking back over the past year, the 7 times she's dumped me, it all starts at once and ends just as quickly, the switch flips on her head and its over. That's why we never really have any fighting within our relationship, something small triggers her and instantly were done. All the nastiness occurs during the breakup, not ever while were actually together. Has me wondering why in the world, the minute she ends things, why I just don't immediately go NC, why I always let it get so ugly the week or two following the breakup to where seemingly irreparable damage gets done to our relationship?

There would be so much less damage repair if only I could go silent that minute instead of now, 3 weeks later, when I'm comfortably 4 days into nc due more to emotional exhaustion than because of logic... . just a thought. I know it but somehow I guess I'm so combative that I can't let things go that easily. Guess if I cared about her as much as I claim to, you think it would be easy for me to just shut my mouth, but its usually a week or two of me shutting my mouth, that leads me to confronting her and thus her going berserk and breaking up, what a horrible cycle.

[heartandwhole]

blurry,

I can relate to not taking the easier route.  I tend to fight for my relationships, always hoping that this time, things will be different or better.  I don't give up easily.  

Then comes the day when I just can't do it to myself anymore.  I can't hurt myself anymore.  I know my behavior is causing me pain and anguish, so I stop.  That day comes at different times for all of us.

Do you think it might have come for you?  

[blurry]

All I know right now is that I'm not breaking NC, she's always been the one to eventually break it. We usually both threaten each other to stop texting for awhile after a breakup till one of us ( usually me, from just being exhausted and repeating the same type of reasoning to no avail) stops communication, and we go official NC.

On top of that, I absolutely can't continue this down the road without something seriously changing, I can't even visualize how we could do it, last I told her was that she'll never see me again unless she can prove 6 months of therapy first. Guess that's about all I can do for now. Of course I need help too and id have to be sure I was well on my way personally to being able to deal with her BPD and my own issues.

If not for myself, I can't do this anymore for her kids sake, she's got 5 from previous relationships, and if their own mom isn't gonna consider the damage her behavior is doing to them, I will have to.