Pregnant girlfriend splitting me black

[Krm1818]

Hi all. I have been dating my girlfriend for just over a year now. She is 13 weeks pregnant and 5 days ago started splitting me black after an argument where I lost composure and said some things I didn't mean out of fear and frustration. We were living together at her place but for now I'm staying at a friend's since she will not let me near her or the place. Some of my stuff is there and she has yet to mention wanting it removed. She is hating me right now and everything about me is evil, untrustworthy, mean etc. She is not diagnosed but has the major signs of bpd. We have had some trust issues in the past, I lied to her about a situation 3 months in. I owned it and made know my regret and remorse for the situation and apologize for my lack of judgement. After that all her trust was gone, intimacy declined and her rage over anything and every little thing began to show. About 4.5 months in I found my self extremely paranoid by some of the things she was saying and who she was talking to via text. I looked through her messages and did find she was still in contact with an ex from time to time. When I confronted her about it everything went sideways. We ended up breaking up for a week or so only to have her asking me back into her life and her home. She openly says and believes I have to be punished and suffer for the pain I have created by being dishonest and invading her privacy. I've never been unfaithful, always had her back and been there to love and support her no matter how nasty she has been. Dispite how she treats me I do love her with all my heart and desperately want to be together and raise our child together as a family. For the first few days of our current break she was saying we could work it out. She's now cancelled meeting up a couple of times, continues to txt me off and on daily but now all the texts are blaming me, putting me down, telling me how awful I am, that she doesn't see any good in me and that there is a high likelihood we are done. I do my best to not react or retaliate, stay as calm as possible and not TXT her unless she initiates contact. She says she needs the week to sort out what is best and that she doesn't think she wants me in our life or around our child. It seems she is trying to punish me and prove a point by banishing me, constantly blaming me and doing everything she can to hurt me and make me suffer. I'm extremely devastated and crushed by our current situation. I'm struggling with what to do or what cards to play to turn things around and keep her and our child in my life and as a family under one roof. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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[jojo8786]

Went through something similar that's still ongoing a bit. I feel for you man, it's not easy to deal with this kind of situation. I suggest you seek some counseling on the issue. While it's not going to solve all your problems it gives you an outlet and perhaps could provide some strategies on how to deal with your girlfriend during this time.

When a baby is involved things are just really hard. I wish you luck on your journey and if there's anything else I can think of I'll be sure to reply.

[pursuingJoy]

Krm1818, hello and welcome!  It sounds like a really painful situation to be in. As jojo pointed out, you're not alone.

She says she needs the week to sort out what is best and that she doesn't think she wants me in our life or around our child.

I'm hardly an expert, but it's important to give BPD's space to sort through their feelings and self-soothe. I can completely understand wanting some level of reassurance but it may not be something she can offer you at the moment. How would it feel to give her a week?

It sounds like you are somewhat familiar with BPD. Use this time to read up on BPD and really understand where she may be coming from, and how to help. How not to be invalidating would be a really great way to start. (Not saying that's what you're doing, that's just the title of the article!) Learning to genuinely validate their feelings is a huge step in the right direction and can bring their emotional level down.

We're here. Let us know how we can support you!
pj

[Krm1818]

Update: went to meet the girlfriend in person at her place this evening. It had been 8 days since we had last seen one another. A couple of days ago via text she decides we are done and she is going to have and raise the baby all on her own. A few hours later she calls and after some talking agrees to think on things and get together soon to talk in person. Fast forward to tonight. I spent almost 3 hrs at her place trying to listen to her issues and trying to re assure her that her and our unborn child are my main priority above anything else and I'd do whatever it took to make things right and love and protect them. It didn't go well, endless loops of blaming me for anything and everything, constant manipulation and truth twisting putting words in my mouth. She projects her issues on to me the majority of the interaction. She says she will be packing my things and I can pick them up on Sunday.

I desperately want to be part of my child's life and want to raise it in a healthy environment. If the child is left solely to her I can't imagine how that will end up. I'm trying to play her games and hold onto whatever little bit of hope there is for us to be together, have this child together and raise it together but it's looking like so far I'm losing and she is hating me and everything about me to the core for the time being. I'm at a loss and not sure what to do now moving forward. Ideas? Really appreciate the feedback, thanks everyone.

[once removed]

We have had some trust issues in the past, I lied to her about a situation 3 months in.

with BPD, there are inherent trust issues.

if you dont mind sharing, what happened? what was the lie about? how did she react, how did you respond?

these things can give us a better perspective of where she is coming from when it comes to all of this.

I spent almost 3 hrs at her place trying to listen to her issues and trying to re assure her that her and our unborn child are my main priority above anything else and I'd do whatever it took to make things right and love and protect them. It didn't go well, endless loops of blaming me for anything and everything, constant manipulation and truth twisting putting words in my mouth.

what did she say? what does she blame you for?

[Krm1818]

I work seasonal work in remote areas. Approx 3 months into the relationship I was going to be faced with going away to work for 3 months. I decided to quit that job and look for something closer to home. I was going to surprise the gf with the news. My employer who is a female friend had stopped by my place to visit and for me to give my notice of quiting my job. I had not told my gf that this person was stopping in. I wanted to surprise here with the news I was staying home. During our visit regarding work I had pocket dialed my gf. She could here me talking to a female and then hung up. She proceeded to call me and question me of who I was with and what was going on. I was still in the mindset of wanting to surprise my gf so denied having anyone in my home a couple of times until I knew it had made my gf extremely uncomfortable and mad. I proceed to tell her that my employer had stopped by and that I was in the process of quiting my job in order to stay home and build on our relationship. I lied to my gf by denying the female in the home a couple of times before telling the truth about the situation. I had pure intensions and upon realizing my gf panic and worry I immediately rushed to her place to try and better explain and reassure her it was purely business and there was no infidelity in any way.

Things were never the same after. She withheld affection, kept me at a distance, would rage at me over nothing, moods would switch on an instant and I'd not know what triggered her. She also started to obsess and try and dig up anything she could from my past relationships using social media. The accusations and paranoia got so bad that I shut down my Instagram so there was nothing left on there for her to pic apart.

She would continually bounce between loving me and hating me. Blaming me for everything that went wrong in any way. She would insult and cut me down over anything and nothing, it didn't matter, I was to blame for every problem under the sun.

When found out that the gf was pregnant about 11 months into the relationship. We both wanted a family at some point so just carried on with it. Since the pregnancy started I could do nothing right and would get hassled over nothing and anything if I even looked at her. 9 days ago when she was throwing ultimatums at me I broke, told her she was making life a living hell, that it was hard to want to keep living this way and I didn't appreciate having ultimatums thrown at me. We both agreed we needed some space for a few days to get our heads right and come back and make a plan where both make compromises for the greater good of the family. Those few days need up leading til when I just saw her fir a total of 9 days as she refused to see me. She'd text me daily, insulting me and blaming me for her pain and hurt and on and on about how bad if a guy I am.

That led to the very unproductive chat tonight where she continued to twist and manipulate my words and conversation into whatever truth she wanted to make it into or what she wanted to hear. The insults and blame stronger than ever. She says she hates me and wants to raise the baby in her own and I'm supposed to vanish from her life Nd have nothing to do with the child. I assured her that I love her and will do anything needed to make things better and raise the child together. She's never forgiven me and says she doesn't trust me. Not sure what to do now or how to proceed? She looks at me with glossed over evil looking eyes and blames me for all her hurt and pain from forever. I almost don't recognize her when she gets like that. Help...

[Krm1818]

I should add, I was not aware of bpd until this last week upon doing research to try and figure out what was making her act the way she does. She's not diagnosed but shows most all of the signs. Had I known earlier I could have understood her better and learned how to communicate with her differently. 

[once removed]

you may want to seek a lawyer to get a handle on your rights, if any, to the child.

shes angry, and its going to take a lot of work, if possible, to get things on a better trajectory.

any update?