When my BPD H does something that causes me harm (such as lying), I tell him, calmly, that I feel sad & hurt by his action. Almost without fail, he begins dysregulating either immediately or within a day or so.
I'm very much a pragmatist regarding this kind of thing; here's how I'd look at it:
You feel hurt. That is real. You need to do something which will take care of yourself, sooth yourself from the hurt, etc.
You *MAY* need to do something to protect yourself from the hurtful behavior, to reduce your future exposure or risk of it.
Note that neither of those directly includes telling BPDh about how you feel. This is important.
What happens when you tell him how you feel? Does it improve your marriage in any way? There are a few things you may hope will happen, although probably haven't the last hundred times!
- A sincere apology and real regret for hurting you.
- Insight on his part so he won't do it again.
I sometimes ask myself "What possible good can come of this (telling BPDh I'm feeling hurt)?"
If the answer is nothing, I zip my lips and don't say it.
There are other routes for self-care. Talking to somebody who is safe, who will validate you, who will support you is one. Posting here is another safe one. Your feelings are real, and you do need to take care of yourself. Try things that won't hurt you instead of things that seem certain to trigger your H.