Processing the grief

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi everyone,
It's been a really tough few months. Things came to a head with our BPD daughter (24) shortly after she announced her pregnancy.
The past 4-3 years have been a deluge of criticisms and digging at us as parents, and nearly broke me. After she left home my mh improved immensely and I realised I was constantly in a state of anxiety when she lived with us (and it returned every time I saw her afterward). I also felt like a disappointment all the time - a pervasive, oppressive sense that just leeched into the air around me when she was around. I cared for her so much through the years - and learned painfully that she used her physical disability and medical conditions to manipulate me. I ran around after her, getting her to doctors, therapists, taking time away from the other children. All that time she was manipulating me and acting up on her symptoms, while verbally abusing her sister and trying to sabotage my marriage. It's been so hard coming to terms with the fact she manipulated me so much, and now I see the cycles of abuse for what they are.

It's hard to realise you were abused by your own child.

Now she's pregnant, unstable, and unhealthy. She's also blocked us. I'm relieved she has because she also has NPD traits and our family needs space. We need to heal. I believed her when she said she wanted to make amends for abusing her younger sister, and allowed the younger to visit, but the older treated her callously. She lied to her, manipulated her. She tried to sabotage my younger daughter's (who has additional needs) relationship with me her mum! And told her to keep it secret.

My youngest suffered immensely for months from this. We've talked it through and she is being supported and has decided to go NC with the oldest and we've agreed and decided the oldest can't come here again.

Now she's posting ultrasound pics and videos on social media where all our friends and family can see, but keeping us blocked. I hear about things second hand and it seems deliberate and cruel. I don't want to see or talk to her right now as this is a time to heal and care for myself and the rest of the family, but can't help imagining occasionally if things could be different. It's hard to process that our grandchild will be born and we won't be in its life (at least for now - I realise the future is long). The life events you imagine are sometimes so painfully different to reality.

I'm seeing a therapist and working through all this. I was in a fog and paralysed by it all, but then felt angry, and now I'm in a mix of relief, feeling stuck, and confused. It's like my mind keeps trying to rewrite everything to make it 'not that bad', but it is. it is that bad, and regardless of what i feel, I must protect the younger children from her. It's painful to say, but writing this is part of that acceptance, and I mustn't shy away from it, but she has always had a cruel streak, and enjoyed causing disruption and distress in others in order to get attention. She has lied and tried to break up all my family relationships and huge cost to many people.

I know there no easy answers to any of this - and I'm doing my best to get back to the things I love and have booked in some getaways. It's just good to have a space to share this and vent. Thank you.

[CopperLeaves]

Hi everyone,
It's been a really tough few months. Things came to a head with our BPD daughter (24) shortly after she announced her pregnancy.
The past 4-3 years have been a deluge of criticisms and digging at us as parents, and nearly broke me. After she left home my mh improved immensely and I realised I was constantly in a state of anxiety when she lived with us (and it returned every time I saw her afterward). I also felt like a disappointment all the time - a pervasive, oppressive sense that just leeched into the air around me when she was around. I cared for her so much through the years - and learned painfully that she used her physical disability and medical conditions to manipulate me. I ran around after her, getting her to doctors, therapists, taking time away from the other children. All that time she was manipulating me and acting up on her symptoms, while verbally abusing her sister and trying to sabotage my marriage. It's been so hard coming to terms with the fact she manipulated me so much, and now I see the cycles of abuse for what they are.

It's hard to realise you were abused by your own child.

Now she's pregnant, unstable, and unhealthy. She's also blocked us. I'm relieved she has because she also has NPD traits and our family needs space. We need to heal. I believed her when she said she wanted to make amends for abusing her younger sister, and allowed the younger to visit, but the older treated her callously. She lied to her, manipulated her. She tried to sabotage my younger daughter's (who has additional needs) relationship with me her mum! And told her to keep it secret.

My youngest suffered immensely for months from this. We've talked it through and she is being supported and has decided to go NC with the oldest and we've agreed and decided the oldest can't come here again.

Now she's posting ultrasound pics and videos on social media where all our friends and family can see, but keeping us blocked. I hear about things second hand and it seems deliberate and cruel. I don't want to see or talk to her right now as this is a time to heal and care for myself and the rest of the family, but can't help imagining occasionally if things could be different. It's hard to process that our grandchild will be born and we won't be in its life (at least for now - I realise the future is long). The life events you imagine are sometimes so painfully different to reality.

I'm seeing a therapist and working through all this. I was in a fog and paralysed by it all, but then felt angry, and now I'm in a mix of relief, feeling stuck, and confused. It's like my mind keeps trying to rewrite everything to make it 'not that bad', but it is. it is that bad, and regardless of what i feel, I must protect the younger children from her. It's painful to say, but writing this is part of that acceptance, and I mustn't shy away from it, but she has always had a cruel streak, and enjoyed causing disruption and distress in others in order to get attention. She has lied and tried to break up all my family relationships and huge cost to many people.

I know there no easy answers to any of this - and I'm doing my best to get back to the things I love and have booked in some getaways. It's just good to have a space to share this and vent. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Copper, it sounds like you've had it rough.  We all grieve in our own way.  But with BPD, it seems that grief can be accompanied by anger, dismay, despair, confusion, regret, hope, resignation, resolve . . . and cycles back and forth over time.  At one point, my husband and I approached the situation like we had a special-needs kid.  But then I would encounter other special-needs kids, and I'd end up thinking, that approach is delusional and somewhat insulting to kids with real special needs!  Because my stepdaughter seems to be in control 99.9% of the time, and she CHOOSES to act in the ways that she does (in my humble opinion).  I started to resent the fact that I'd have to contort my words, actions and life so as not to provoke a meltdown from her, as if that were in my control!  If you've been the "target of blame," I bet you know what I mean.  And then I start to feel the anger rising.  But anger isn't a very pleasant or productive emotion, so I try not to dwell on it too much.  Sometimes I put a time limit on it.  Why let someone else's behaviors ruin my day?

I view the periods of estrangement as "adult time outs" for the person with BPD.  Thinking in these terms allows me to have some time and space to resume a "normal," relatively drama-free life.  I'm not on conventional social media, so she can't block me, and frankly I don't care one iota what she posts, if she posts at all.  But I understand that's not the customary stance in today's online world.

I would say, the best "revenge" is a life well lived.  Your daughter is an adult, and you deserve to focus on you now.  You did the best you could in rearing your daughter, even if there were many challenges.  When and if she grows up, she should come to realize that.  She shouldn't want you to mourn or have regrets forever.  But I understand that the considerable drama of the past can be traumatic, and it can take some time to heal.  I'd advise to think about the other children as well.  They might resent the fact that the pwBPD sucked up so much of your attention and resources.  In my family, we've made extra efforts to pay attention to the other kids, so they don't feel this way.

[Ourworld]

Hi Copper,
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I guess I was lucky in the fact that my daughter was an only child because her childhood behavior wasn’t that destructive. I realized that she often manipulated and lied to me.
At 18 she went away to college, and one of her numerous traumas was to become pregnant when she was 20! By this time, it was just she and I again, her father was gone, by this time she had pretty much dismissed me and only relied on me for money. So, she came home and told me “I have gone and gotten it confirmed that I am pregnant by a guy I was giving a ride home from a party. I want to complete school and give up the baby for adoption.” I had NO CHOICE OR SAY SO in the matter. And when I did say that she didn’t have to give up the baby, she said that it would not be fair to me.

She was only 20 and still in college, I know that your daughter is 27, but I wonder if someone can get her to realize that if she keeps the baby she will be tied down and she will also need your help.

Just an idea. Enjoy your ‘time off’ and I pray that her siblings are not adversely affected by her behavior!

I truly wish you the best!

[js friend]

Hi CopperLeaf and welcome,

Your story sounds very familiar to mine.

My udd30 just loved all the attention that a pregnancy brings yet denied  she was even expecting every time I asked her .I remember asking her with her 2nd pregnancy .if she was pregnant. Her reply was....."And what makes you think that?"  with a smirk on her face. If ever there was an elephant in the room it was then. I made sure that I never fed into the excitement of her pregnancies. I just brought things and quietly put them aside. She never asked me to go to any of her prenatal appointments...she had her friends and b/f for that but by the time of gkids births I was the one who was there with her....no friends or b/f so I guess I was some value to her by then. Eventually the novelty wears off for them....so let your dd post all  she can right now. My udd sees herself as special, at that time she acted like she was the girl in the world who was having a baby.

It is difficult when you have other kids to consider. Luckily udd is my youngest so the older ones were often  out  doing their own thing but they did see what a state I would be in when udd hadnt come home or was disrupting the house in someway by the There was never really any peace in our home until udd left at 17...

Ive always found that keeping a diary/journal very therapeutic. Do you think it maybe something your youngest child maybe interested in.? I find it helps to sort out my mind and  true feelings.

I hope you enjoy your time away. I used to go on weekend getaways and I loved it. I must admit in the beginning I used to spend most of the time worrying what udd could be getting up to but then I came to the realisation that udd would always up to something whether I was there or not.