What are healthy boundaries?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yesterday, in another thread, I realised that I wasn't allowed to have boundaries as a child and I'm very confused as to what they are. In the past, people have told me to set boundaries etc, but I'm not really sure what they mean or how to do it.

What do you think it means to have boundaries?

Do you think boundaries can be unhealthy?

If so, what do you think distinguishes between a healthy and an unhealthy boundary?

How do you go about setting and maintaining boundaries?

How do you know what someone else's boundaries are so you can be respectful of them?

[Lifewriter16]

Yesterday, in another thread, I realised that I wasn't allowed to have boundaries as a child and I'm very confused as to what they are. In the past, people have told me to set boundaries etc, but I'm not really sure what they mean or how to do it.

What do you think it means to have boundaries?

Do you think boundaries can be unhealthy?

If so, what do you think distinguishes between a healthy and an unhealthy boundary?

How do you go about setting and maintaining boundaries?

How do you know what someone else's boundaries are so you can be respectful of them?

[Tibbles]

Good questions, this is an area I struggle with too and I have a long way to go with it. To me setting boundaries are about recognising behaviours you will and won't accept in a relationship and being assertive when those unacceptable behaviours surface and stating what you do and don't want in a relationship. If you are some one with poorly developed boundaries, like me  , then you let a lot of poor behaviour go and don't take a stand on whats OK for you. When I moved out of the house and we were still trying to sort things out I started stating things like - No I don't want to see you on Sunday. I need a day to myself to rest. He responded by saying I was putting up all these boundaries and boundaries didn't belong in a marriage. I thought yes I am, and yes they do.

Do I think boundaries are unhealthy - NO. Big No. Having no boundaries and letting others walk all over you and being consistently accepting of poor behaviour is unhealthy. For both people. If  there are no consequence for crossing your boundaries, displaying behaviours that you think are unacceptable, how can the person learn and change. I became such a fluid person with no opinion on anything I didn't really exist at the end. It was my choice to deal with the situation the way I did. Did the best with the skills I had, but still my choice. My ex was not responsible for the choices I made.



Setting boundaries. I'm reading and re reading the book "Growing yourself up". It's about looking at all your relationships and seeing your own behaviour patterns and how you can bring more maturity to those relationships. As I'm looking at myself I seem to be naturally finding and stating what is and isn't ok for me with my kids and my family of origin and at work. Just feels like I am discovering me again and naturally becoming more grounded and mature and feeling OK saying no and yes to things. And guess what - the world has not imploded because I am now having opinions that differ to those around me. That one I do hold my ex some what accountable for, his inability and fear of us being two separate people was so strong.



How do you know others boundaries and how do you not cross them? Not sure on this one. Some boundaries are universal and are just a given, personal space etc. Some are unknown and very individualised and I just hope when I cross them the people feel OK telling me they disagree with what I said/did. (Which is ironic cause that is something I am very poor at.) It's up to me to respect that and not take it personally but to listen and respond as a mature adult. Again ironic cause I run away from conflict - one of the points in the book I mentioned is - staying in contact with those that disagree with you, gives you the greatest opportunity to develop maturity in your relationships. By running away you learn very little about yourself.

That's my two cents worth. Hope that makes sense. It is an area that as I said I struggle with. Looking forward to reading others two cents worth.

[Grey Kitty]

I have a favorite essay on boundaries that I think I first found here, and I go back to it upon occasion. It might help you clarify things. It is long and goes into a LOT of detail, much of it about the concept of boundaries, and also about ways to enforce boundaries.

www.alturtle.com/archives/173

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Thanks so much for this. The article looks specific enough to show me 'how' to do it. Here's to healthier relationships.

Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

Here's to healthier relationships.

Indeed 

I've got an extra $.02 for you. I think your original list of questions are great questions... .and you could have a long discussion about any of them, perhaps with a good friend who has better boundaries than you do and a bottle of wine  ! I love that kind of thing!

However, I've found that in this forum environment, I can offer better assistance around a concrete example than on general principles. So if you are still feeling confused/unclear... .pick something specific in your life where you previously had poor boundaries, or had an unpleasant interaction with somebody who had poor boundaries, and ask for advice in that situation.

[going places]

What do you think it means to have boundaries?

For me personally, a boundary is a line, not to be crossed.

When it is crossed, it become trespassing.

Do you think boundaries can be unhealthy?

I believe there is a difference between a boundary and a wall.

Walls, are 'unhealthy' when they 'hide' things or when the prevent a person from fully living life.

If so, what do you think distinguishes between a healthy and an unhealthy boundary?

A healthy boundary prevents others from abusing you, taking advantage of you, etc.

An unhealthy boundary prevents you from living a full rich life.

How do you go about setting and maintaining boundaries?

Setting a boundary is either mentally remembering or writing down what is and what is not acceptable.

Maintaining?

I have a boundary; you will not throw things at me.

My boss was frustrated the other day when I asked for the keys. So he said no.

I turned to walk away and he threw the keys at me (on the counter next to me)

I kept walking.

I did not turn around, I did not pick up the keys, I didn't even acknowledge that he threw them.

Later he came to the bar and asked if I needed them, and I said yes.

He handed them to me and I said thank you.

How do you know what someone else's boundaries are so you can be respectful of them?

No means no.

I am accused of being a witch with a capital B because I am very open, vocal, and to the point about my boundaries.

I 'know' a lot by reading body language, and by reading inbetween the lines.

Then I ask.

I'm just bold like that.

[Skip]

Wrote this a while back... .

Upholding our values and independence

Values.   A healthy relationship is sometimes described as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Regardless of the type of relationship, we all come to it with values that we intend to honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship - these are known as core values or independent values - this is what defines us. 

We also have values that we are prepared to mold and adapt as we blend with the other person in the relationship - these become inter-dependent values - this is how we grow together.

Having a healthy relationship takes a great deal of self awareness and knowing:

• which values are independent, core values to be upheld by us and defended (in a constructive way, of course), and

• which values are more open for compromise or replacement based on our blending with and building a relationship with another person (partner, friend, relative).

Independent core values    Identify and live your personal values!  Independent core values determine our decisions and guide our lives. It's important that we stay true to them- they should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make.  Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relations with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy, feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.

Be realistic    Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromisable independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others. When that happens, the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.


Boundaries    Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious - we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

There are three types of boundaries:

~ Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

~ Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.

~ Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.


Defending Boundaries   Even when we live our values responsibly,  we can still encounter boundary busting.

When this happens, we should first challenge ourselves.   Counter-intuitive, I know.  <1> Did we make choices that were inconsistent with our independent core values?  If so, which was wrong, the value or the choice?  Do we need to change one?  <2> Have we been consistent in our actions and effective in our communications?  Or have we been sending a mixed message?  Do we need to dedicate the time and effort to clean this up (this takes time)?

We also need to look at all the options(s) we have to available to us to help us navigate back and stay true to our value.  I use the plural form of option because just saying "no" and taking timeout is not enough. Yes, it helps greatly in the moment, but if we are in a value hostile environment, we need to look at all the ways we can address that.

Having values empowers us and motivates others.

I listen to the points of view of others and take them seriously

I treat everybody with respect

I am always supportive of family and friends

I am totally honest in all my dealings with others

... .and I expect that same.

Defending boundaries (without values) tends to be shallow, reactive, and confrontational

I will not tolerate you getting in my face (stated aggressively)

If you do things I don't like, I will respond by doing things that are equally distressing to you

You weren't there when I needed you, so I wasn't there when you need me

Etc.