Suggestions for parenting plan?

[PinkieV]

Hi all,

DH has a settlement conference next week to see if he and BM can agree to a custody and parenting plan without going to trial.  Fat chance, but DH's lawyer would like us to create our version of what we think it should be - and have it to him by tomorrow of course.  So here's the basics and what we would like:

Prior to last September, SS13 lived with BM two states away.  BM pled guilty to two counts of first degree theft for embezzlement and went to jail.  DH obtained temporary custody and then filed for permanent custody.  Before he got custody, DH had little contact with SS13 or SS18 (who was 17 at the time).  Parental alienation at its' finest.  The only reason he found out about her legal troubles was she slipped and texted him to tell him he'd have to move to take care of the boys.  Then she glossed over the text because she thought she had found a friend to watch the kids.  DH did some digging, found out the extent of the charges, and we spent two weeks there getting the custody order and then waiting for her to be sentenced.

We now believe BM is an uBPD. She's manipulative and conniving.  Her own family thanked us for pursuing custody and taking care of the boys, after years of alienation and abuse from her.

The boys were on a free lunch program, along with food stamps, yet BM had nice things and went out a lot.  SS13 has grown 2+ inches with us in the past six months just being fed nutritious food.  The kids were sequestered at home with TM, or out with her.  She'd regularly move from one church or school to another when things started to go south and people figured her out.  SS13 is VERY happy with us.  She has major problems with money (shopping addiction), and both the GAL and SS13's counselor asked if we knew of any drug or alcohol addiction.

Just yesterday we toured a magnet high school, and he posted about it on FB and added "I'm so happy".  He has just blossomed so much from the positive attention and "normal" home life.

The GAL report came back and recommended that DH retain custody and that BM have a job for two months, complete a forensic psychiatric exam, and have adequate space before she can have SS13 for visitation.  She is currently in work release, with an expected release in late April or early May.  She is waitressing at a local chain restaurant and says that the manager loves her and wants her to "manage her own restaurant when she's out" (yeah, right), her condo is in foreclosure with a court date prior to her release, and we don't think she'll take any steps to get counseling because she thinks she's a good mom and good person and just a victim.

We want to retain physical custody, obviously.  We worry about visitation as BM can be very cruel.  We'd like to ask for no visitation until she completes what the GAL recommended.  We are willing, if she has not completed these things, to bring SS13 for short supervised weekend visits, as he loves to visit family and friends in the area.

If she does complete her requirements, we'd like a one week visitation in the summer, winter break, and spring break.  SS13 will have sports and music commitments in high school that will limit the amount of time he can be gone, especially in the summer.  He is soft spoken and sweet, and we are also afraid of the damage she could cause if he was around her too long.

So, that's the basics ha ha, and of course we will work on every other holiday, etc.  Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?  Thank you so much!

[momtara]

Great job with him!  I'm glad he has grown and is happy.  It takes a lot for a boy to be happy to be away from his mother.  Things must have been bad.

So the week for Xmas etc. is the weeks the xWife would get him, right?  Not the weeks you'd get him.

Sounds like the GAL recommendations are good.  If you ask for supervised visitation, who will supervise?  That's something to think about. 

If she is a danger to him or puts him in reckless situations, she should rarely have him.  If it's that she's emtionally abusive, doesn't feed hiim enough, etc., she could probably deal with him in spurts. 

I'm just glad things are working out.

[Nope]

If you really believe she may be BPD then it's best to have every single aspect of visitation and communication put in writing. Especially if she's already been an alienating parent in the past. When she gets out she may decide it's OK to start calling your home looking to talk to the kids twenty times a day. If eventually she does get the kids for holidays do you expect phone calls during that time ir is it going to be radio silence while you cross your fingers and hope he's ok?

Yes, if there are supervised visits then you will have to figure out who will supervise and if it is to be an uninvolved third party then who is to pay? Also, if you live a significant distance where are the visits to take place? Who is responsible for transportation, etc.

When you are dealing with someone with BPD anything that will have to be negotiated later will be your tough luck.

[livednlearned]

Good advice from Nope about putting everything -- EVERYTHING -- in writing that you can think of. Communication, supervision, consequences for non-compliance. It's likely that BM will not follow everything, but it makes it easier for the judge to see that there are serious problems with compliance. Especially if BM consents to the parenting plan. Judges like to give both parties the option of consenting. If one party can't comply, then the judge is more likely to see that something disordered is going on.

There is a TOOLS resource for parenting plans here that might help you think about other items to include: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90775

Also, if you can, try to include consequences in the parenting plan. So for example, if a party will be more than 15 minutes late for an exchange, he or she must notify the other parent within 15 minutes of the scheduled exchange. Failure to notify or show within 15 minutes means the other party may leave.

Something like that. For each item. BM may try to use all of these things against you, so make sure that every consequence involves something that you can document.

It's exhausting, but like momtara mentioned, you are going great, your SS is responding well, and in that kinda unfortunate fortunate way, BM is dysregulating enough that it helps your case so you can stabilize SS.

[ForeverDad]

As the others stated, nail down every loophole in the standard orders.  A lot of vagueness is in there since most parents can negotiate and find middle ground in the children's interests.  Not with cases like ours. :'(  So review the proposed order for assumptions and presumptions that she could reinterpret and wreak havoc with such as "mutually agreed exchange locations" and "reasonable telephone contact".  Believe it or not, my ex always complained I was "late" if I arrived after her due to traffic congestion or inclement weather or a kid dragging his feet and she always asserted that "on time' meant the exact time specified even though the order stated there was a 30 minute exchange window.

The biggest concern is that you'll be too fair, too polite, too generous in accommodating her demands.  Believe me, the court and other professionals will ensure her 'rights' are protected more than enough.  Your family should concern yourselves with getting an order good for the kids and good for you.  Sadly, worrying about her will only weaken your outcome.

[PinkieV]

Thank you everyone for the excellent advice and links.  DH just sent it to the lawyer with an explanation that we suspect uBPD so we are being as specific as possible, not just being hard-a%*#s.  I'm interested to see what the lawyer says.  He has been very good so far, and I think he suspects mental health issues as well.

[ForeverDad]

Lawyers may not know what BPD means, but the experienced ones understand High Conflict, 100% oppositional, F*Nuts, pathological sociopath, unable to reason or be reasoned with, 3-in-1 of brick wall, irresistible force and immovable object, etc.

Does he know and respect Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger's book, SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder ?  If you don't already have it, get it ASAP!  Amazon even sells a digital copy.