Limbo-Land

[zomimom]

So, just Saturday night my UBPDH had a fit - or blow up - for lack of a better word.  The trigger was the fact that since my kids have left my home I am unable to get rid of all their stuff.  My back story is in my profile, but the long and short of it is that UBPDH is my second husband and my kids are with my first.  They have ended up living with my ex due to my UBPDH's episodes.  His words are the worst part, although he can end up throwing things, hitting walls, etc.  During Saturday's outburst, I attempted to validate and not fuel the fire, but didn't do very well.  I feel stronger in my conviction that the words, screaming and throwing are just unacceptable behavior.  I used to ignore or fight back, but this time I attempted to talk, and when that failed, just removed myself.  I'm struggling now, because the following day he came at me with similar behavior, and again I removed myself.  I let him know that I will not tolerate the disrespect for me and my kids.  I've just kept my distance since then.  I'm very turned around.  I'm not sure if I should try some skills from here, or just leave.  I know that if I leave, I still have to endure the time while I prepare to leave.  How to make it more livable?  I can't stand the way it is.  I'm having to constantly draw the line, and remove myself because he can't handle that I'm drawing the line, and keep reminding him that I'm not going to play pretend and act like it never happened.  Any suggestions of how to make this limbo time more productive?   Inner work I can do to feel less annoyed and tense or always walled up?  Ways to smooth things while still standing my ground?  I feel very unskilled at taking a stand - I'm definitely not validating or being empathetic because I feel constantly attacked right now.

[Lucky Jim]

So, just Saturday night my UBPDH had a fit - or blow up - for lack of a better word.  The trigger was the fact that since my kids have left my home I am unable to get rid of all their stuff.

Hey Zomi, We know exactly what you mean when you describe it as a "fit" or "blow up."  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What will be a trigger is impossible to predict, so don't blame yourself or your kids' stuff.  Concerning your questions, my suggestion is to work on formulating an exit strategy in private, perhaps with the help of a trusted friend or family member.  Letting your H know about your plan in advance is likely to make it that much more difficult to leave, for obvious reasons, if that is your decision (to leave).

LuckyJim