I'm ready to learn the tools VI

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Notwendy

I know the definition of insanity, I have lived it for a year.  I have tired to validate her feelings.  Always have I understand her hurt and despite her believing to the contrary I have sympathy and empathy for her.  The problem has always been she cant just talk about how she feels, I can validate that.  But eventually that hurt turns to anger and she starts with the name calling and the belittling, and maybe that's the problem.  I have completely let go of all my boundaries with her.  Anyway we had a fight, and we aren't currently speaking so I am going to leave it alone and try and set myself right

[Oncebitten]

Notwendy

I know the definition of insanity, I have lived it for a year.  I have tired to validate her feelings.  Always have I understand her hurt and despite her believing to the contrary I have sympathy and empathy for her.  The problem has always been she cant just talk about how she feels, I can validate that.  But eventually that hurt turns to anger and she starts with the name calling and the belittling, and maybe that's the problem.  I have completely let go of all my boundaries with her.  Anyway we had a fight, and we aren't currently speaking so I am going to leave it alone and try and set myself right

[Notwendy]

I think it is good to take this time to reflect and work on yourself.


A payoff for her behavior is that she has control- she calls the shots according to her feelings. Yes, they may feel hurtful but without letting them go, they become her reason for the push-pull. The payoff for this situation- something you can not change makes it impossible for you to impact them. She decides when and if she wants to let them go. Until then, she controls the direction of the relationship.

After a year of this, you know the route of this  (relationship) train ( circles ) and she's at the wheel . If, and when it comes around again, you have the choice to get on or not.

[Oncebitten]

Notwendy

Well what I have put up with for a year is not healthy... .I think it has damaged me more than I know.  She actually told me this was all my fault bc way back when I told her that I loved her and I messed up everything with feelings.  LOL sorry for that one dear, just wanted you to know how I really felt.

[smart_storm26]

Hi all


Havent been on here in quite a while.  Frankly because its been really good.  Short version of my story, rocky back and forth long distance relationship.  Broke up and got back together more times than I can count.  For the past month and a half its been great.  Little to no fighting, seeing one another on a regular basis, truly enjoying each other and our relationship.  Haven't had to deal with the ex, that seems to be over for good.  Even gave her a ring, she said she was so happy, so ready to start a life with me.  We were starting to make long term plans, and figure out how to be together in the same city.  She takes a trip with friends over the weekend and comes home and decides we can't be together.  She wants to be friends but the relationship is over.  No discussing, no talking, just done.  I plead my case and she says lets talk about it later, she picked up some bug and has been sick all week.  I press to much and she gets agitated, still flips back and forth on how much she loves me and needs me.  Yesterday she is feeling really ill, and just wants to talk no arguing no discussion of the r/s and I say ok, she says we will talk about it next week once I get to feeling better.  No problem I say.  Somehow I become part of... ."no one cares about me, you don't care about me, you are selfish just like everyone else. You only want me around for what I can do for you".  I maintained my composure and assured her that I loved her, and cared about her and wanted her to get better.  She said all I wanted to do was fight as she proceeded to scream at me, even though I remained calm.  we talked briefly again yesterday evening and she seemed better and calmer.  Just talked again this morning, and she said she didnt want to talk to me because she didnt want to fight.  I assured her that I would not talk about the r/s all I wanted was to check on her and keep her company since she didnt feel well.  I talked for probably 10 mins straight telling her different things with little to no response, other than some snide comment about no one caring about her.  I decided that I wasn't going to sit through the silent treatment on the phone so I said I would let her rest and would check on her later in the day.  She said fine, I told her I loved her and wanted her better and we hung up.  She called right back and proceeded to scream at me because this is what I do, if she doesnt entertain me then I dont want to hangout with her.  Granted when we are on the phone she probably does 60%+ of the talking, thats her, and thats me I tend to be a quieter person... .so now I have been told not to call or text and check up on her she will get a hold of me when she feels better... .which I suppose is an improvement from yesterdays I never want to speak to you again.

Am I being punished because she loves me and she hasnt gotten what she needs from anyone else? I cant be there to take care of her, I would like to be... .offered to come take care of her, to which she told me I was real sh*tty at.  She would just take care of herself like she always does bc no one cares about her.  Am I just on the wrong end of a pity party?  I really have no idea what to do.  Our relationship is over and she wont talk about it bc, she is sick.  I can't just talk to her as a friend bc... .well I really dont know, she just wont talk to me.

Advice? 

See buddy, there is something you need to learn about women. Women whether they are BP or not, they do not like or respect guys who are like chumps and who cannot respect themselves. You gave her a ring and tried to support her through her bad times. You did such a special thing. And what did she tell you after coming back? 'The relationship is over'. She disrespected you right there and it has nothing to do with BP. At that point in time, you should have told her 'See thats unfortunate but if you think its over and you really dont want me, I will respect your decision and I will respect myself and move out. Feel free to call me if you need help with anything'. Never beg someone to stay in your life who doesn't want to stay in yours. Its called self-respect. But what are you doing? You are sucking up every nasty thing she is throwing at you and you are saying 'No problem!'. You are only encouraging her behavior towards you. Please value yourself a bit more. You are more than what she thinks of you. Let her know that. She might have BP but you are acting like a wussy in front of her. If you act like that, women will never respect you whether they have BP or not. Just my opinion

[Oncebitten]

Smart storm

I know you are right... .thats why when she said we were done again and didn't want to be friends I said goodbye, hung up and didnt look back.  I will never chase this woman again.