help me with this please: the better I get, the worse he gets

[Daniell85]

Boyfriend is disregulating more, as I become more calm in my interaction with him. I had the idea that as I calmed, he would calm too. Instead he has become more aggressive in his language towards me ( f bombs, bullying, threatening, insulting)

Any ideas why?

I have been disengaging more as he does it. Politely ending conversations, stepping back instead of chasing after his hit and run verbal attacks. Except today he was so upsetting that I actually removed him from skype and deactivated my facebook account. I simply was (and still feel) unable to cope with how hurtful he is being.

[formflier]

 

He wants you to go back to the way you were.  So, he is using the only tools he knows how to use and "swinging" them harder.

If you can find a way to validate his frustration, or perhaps SET it.  With the T being that you are making different choices and you help he will too.

Be very calm and nonchalant about it.

I take this as validation for you that you and changing the r/s dynamic.

FF

[Daniell85]

he's been having fits for ages about how upset I have shown myself in panic attacks.  

what is the pay off to try and push me into one? I DID have one today. I communicated it to him politely and excused myself to go let it run it's course. I came back and he became very provocative. I was polite in my response. It just quickly escalated from there on his end. My panic flared back up. I asked him to stop, said it was ok, he got worse, and I bailed.

I am not handling the cursing and attacking behavior at me in a panic attack. That has gone way bad in the past. Not sure how I can be nonchalent about it :/. I could have left communication platforms open but I would have seen more of what he was saying.

I had several panic attacks today with this stuff. There was one a couple of days ago, too, because he was being really agressive, I was backing away, I panicked and said good night and went quiet.

I haven't gotten a new therapist yet. I am planning on it in March.

I am really disappointed I am having them again.

Also, when he starts it, I feel afraid. Maybe I haven't said much here. I was hit a lot growing up. Punched, slapped, kicked, filthy words spewed at me, name calling. So I really feel the aggression.

[Stelladenuit]

Hi Daniell85! 

I've been reading what you wrote,and I thought:

Maybe the best way may be a sincere conversation about how you feel about the reactions that he makes towards you.

If he knows that you had been treated badly when growing up ( which can be a cause of your attacks),then why does he not help you reassure, instead doing the exacly opposite-provoking you and being aggressive ?

Does he support you when you need it? I see that instead of helping you he's making your mental health worse and

does a loving person do that?

Look like you are trying to handle your pannic attacks yourself, and maybe you could even get by, but can't because your partner is provoking them,the way he treats you. He should be understanding and support you if you have one, I believe if this would happen the attacks would decrease- but for now on they can't.

And one more thing, if you get a therapist would the therapy help you and be effective when your boyfriend would make rows again and again. Would the situation change  with him when you'll be on therapy? Beacause if he doesn't support you now,then when will he do it?

regards,

Stelladenuit

[Daniell85]

The panic attacks I have mostly had with him were from him cheating on me.

He's not on board with the support to me. I am guessing he feels shamed and angry.

[Sunfl0wer]

My partner had trouble expressing his feelings, and knowing I could feel something different than him.  So if he felt crummy, he wanted the world to feel crummy too.

So he learned to try to provoke upset ness in me, when he wanted validation for his own upset ness.  This really messed with me as I do have PTSD and can typically keep it all discreet, except for a couple of 'hidden' triggers that he was aware of.

If BF was upset about something, he learned the buttons to push to get me upset.  If I was feeling rather resilient and appeared unaffected after several attempts by him, he simply ramped up his efforts and went to hit more extreme buttons, such as berating my son... .full knowing I would not pretend to not notice that.

Asking him not to trigger me did not work.  He didn't admit it, but clearly went out of his way to push buttons... .so having a conversation about it would only give him some sick justification that I was making an issue where none existed.

For some reason, at some point... .He would trigger me, then be mad at me for being triggered, as though it was 'proof' of something he was trying to invent.  Maybe his thoughts... .Hey, look how undone Sunflower gets over nothing, she is always overreacting, just not rational.

[Stelladenuit]

If someone would cheat on me and cause my pannick attacks I would leave him/her, but I understand that sometimes it's not that easy and you feel frustrated and don't know what to do. The way he behaves only increases your attacks, in my opinion it's a toxic relationship. You have to answer to yourself what does he give you in this relationship, do you feel cared, loved by him? I think, you deserve much better.

The only way you can help yourself is separate from him for some time. When you get better (after going on therapy, feeling relaxed- good  with yourself), you will see this situation from perspective and then think if this relationship is worth all you are going throught.

[Caley]

Hello Daniell,

Can I ask you a direct question?

Do you regard infidelity acceptable/unacceptable in a committed relationship?

A Psychologist that is qualified in this area might term his behaviour as an extinction burst.

Simply put ... conditioning.

He has learnt that when he provokes the consequence of his provocation results in an emotional response from you ... (they're emotional creatures and feed off emotional energy).

They see emotional responses on a sliding scale of potency ... negative emotional responses have the most potency ... a high quality grade of fuel so to speak.

If you'll allow me a little space to expand and keep an open and objective mindset ... you'll very quickly be able to put all the pieces together and then be in an informed position; in which to form a conclusion and finally a solid decision as to what is good for you ... and where you go from here.

In the beginning of your relationship with him it was all euphoric sailing wasn't it?

There were fluffy white clouds, the world was replete with the most amazingly vivid colours and you were both riding a wave of intense, exciting and earth shattering infatuation. Yes?

This is all positive, good quality emotional energy ... but not the most potent (at least not for him).

And then things changed as you sensed him beginning to pull away and you intuitively felt you were being devalued. This hurt didn't it? And, you began to question and chase him for answers as to why things had changed (you began to chase him). The consequence of his behavioural changes resulted in you giving him more attention (energy). And, at first it was just little niggles which then grew into bigger and bigger 'issues'. All the time, though, your attention is focussed on him to the extent that you are so preoccupied with him; other significant areas of your life are being neglected. The potency of each emotional response from you increases as he escalates with increasingly poorer behaviour. In effect you are reduced to a quivering emotional wreck who is barely able to brush your teeth properly. This is all, now, high grade negatively charged emotion (fuel).

When you react with intense emotion he feels very powerful (look at me ... I'm in complete control over this persons emotions ... I can do as I like and she keeps giving me lavish dollops of attention ... hey, I can even cheat and she keeps coming back for more ... I am truly powerful ... like a God).

But wait, you've changed tack ... you're not reacting with emotion ... you're calm and stable (no fuel). So, now he ramps up his nasty, childlike abuse in order to get you to react the way he is used to because you have cut the supply. It is an insidiously, pathological narcissistic situation ... and incredibly unhealthy, especially for you ... your health, both mental and biological will suffer.

Ironically, this is what they need but don't realise it. They need you to be the calm, stable solid rock which is immovable because they are unstable.

If you maintain your now adult stance, remain calm and stay emotionally detached, one of two things will happen. If he is high on BPD traits he will begin to toe the line and heel to your lead. But you must maintain your guard and not waver for a second.

If he is high on NPD traits ... he will leave, you will be free to heal and find the kind of relationship that brings real love and happiness to you.

My guess is he'll leave ... I hope so, for your sake.

Not wise to wrestle with pigs. You get bruised, battered and muddy ... but pigs like it ... !

Good people like you don't like to be viewed as being selfish ... but really Daniell, and I hope you don't take this as an offensive attack to your sense of being, you are not being selfish enough.

Big hug ... Big kiss. x

[formflier]

Daniell85,

Couple concepts.

1.  It's not your fault.

2.  The solution lies within you.

Please look at your reactions to him, make sure he DOES NOT get any emotional energy from you.  I like that term, emotional energy. 

I do think that questions to identify validation targets are ok.  A little bit of validation.

Once he goes into name calling.  I would slam the door shut with a boundary (that's just me).

FF

[Daniell85]

Fidelity is important to me.

I've spent a lot of time in confusion. He has kicked up a lot of dust, it's been hard for me to sort out realities and gain understanding. He has his own traumas, he's very upset, angry. A major button for him is that when he feels he is being controlled (he feels it, it's true!) he goes into a nasty stubborn rage. He acts out from that a lot. It's damaging, ugly stuff.

Most of the time, to me, it feels like he has a death grip on the relationship, my feelings for him.

I have read a lot of NPD stuff, so I see where you are coming from, Caley. NPD feeds off of the emotion of others. He does push my buttons that I now have from when he cheated.

I read comments earlier, and I was thinking about triangulation. Looking back, I realize I have been triangulated for quite some time. I feel like someone broke into my house and stole from me  

Current situation seems to me that it is triangulation. The lady in question is married now.  My boyfriend pushes my buttons over her ( my fear of more cheating, loss of relationship) and when I end up getting upset, he works me over on having gotten upset. Typical treatment from him is very sneering, disrespectful.

It's all a huge button for me. I agree, showing a negative response gets me more hurtful behavior. I don't feel capacity for him today. My plan to calm down is to take the next week away from him. He can contact me via email or telephone. I doubt he will. It's a control issue for him.

While I understand and agree with a non response to the button pushing being the optimal thing, I am in a ton of fear and pain. I'm not sure what to do about that. I have a lot of old traumas and have worked on those enough to really start believing they weren't my fault. I harbor a lot of guilt and shame. My boyfriend has tapped into that. I understand that is part of the power of why I have been so easily engaged in the chaos. He constantly blames me for our troubles together.

FF, he has never called me names directly. Traditionally he has not sworn at me or used foul language. He gets a bit upset, and these days his sentences are peppered with cursing. I feel very upset at that when it's combined with accusations and threats.

I suspect I am too traumatized generally right now to do much other than distance myself from him in order for me to be able to stay calm with what contact we do have.

Back to the therapist soon. Hopefully I can work through some more of that stuff there.

[Caley]

Fidelity is important to me?

I suspect I am too traumatized generally right now to do much other than distance myself from him in order for me to be able to stay calm with what contact we do have.

Back to the therapist soon. Hopefully I can work through some more of that stuff there.

You didn't answer my question ... I didn't ask if fidelity was important ... I asked if it was unacceptable/acceptable.

Daniell,

Pretty much all of what you've written is you focussing and talking about him, his issues, and you excusing him. It's all about HIM ... and he is a jackass, who lies, cheats and treats you like dirt. What would convince you ... him punching you on the mouth?

Finally, in your last sentence ... it's about you. Oh, the relief ... !

Daniell,

Look back to your previous posts ... it isn't getting any better is it? NO ... ! It's getting worse despite your best efforts ... why not for one moment consider getting out for good. Let life deal with him and let life bring better things for you.

[Daniell85]

Caley,

I appreciate your urgency. No, cheating is not acceptable to me. I don't do it. It's not how I live my life.

I'm not ready to end the relationship. Obviously I am struggling with a lot of things on my side. I am ok with taking a big step back for a week or so in order to clear my head and avoid the pain I feel over Valentine's Day and the terminated baby. He's not sympathetic to me about that and being in contact with him and feeling his indifference directly is not something I am going to do this year.

Some things are getting better with him. Not by much in terms of him owning his actions. He has shifted positions on a variety of things, but he's very slow about it.

To the point of FF advice, IF I don't respond to my boyfriends agitation attempts, he does calm down somewhat after a week or so of my not reacting at him.

After that the random horror ( to me random) drops unexpectedly out of the aether and blows me of the water.

For a lot of us, all of this is a process. I am willing to slow things down on my side in order to work through.