He says I can't handle conflict

[earthgirl]

When my husband gets angry, he raises his voice.  If I ask for a time out, he wants to keep going. Sometimes he will stop but sometimes it seems like he can't. Sometimes this happens in the car and I can't get away.  He was in a previous relationship for a long time with someone and the way they resolved their conflicts was to yell loudly at each other and say abusive things to one another (they both thought this worked for them, they called it "clearing the air." 

I have tried to explain to him that I can't handle being yelled at (or even spoken to in a raised voice) -- I got a lot of yelling/emotional abuse from my mother growing up and it puts me in a very bad place very quickly -- I just can't handle it.

I've asked him not to yell/raise his voice, and his response is always:  "You really don't like conflict/don't know how to handle conflict."  Of course that's not true, in my last relationship (like any relationship) there was conflict but we spoke respectfully to each other.

I've tried to validate, explain that yes, it sounds like that worked for him before, it must seem strange to try to resolve conflict in a different way when that is not what he is used to.

Here's the thing:  he is trying, but it makes him incredibly frustrated to try to regulate his tone, it almost makes him angrier, like it would be easier/quicker if I just let him go off on me.  And there's this idea that I am fragile and need special handling or something.

This is SO frustrating to me:  I want him to KNOW that it's not healthy to yell, and my request that he not do so has nothing to do with me "not being able to handle conflict." 

Halp!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[earthgirl]

PS:  therapy is out of the question right now (financial reasons) but I am hoping we can start in a few months.

[Joseph54]

Hi

I have read your posts and they are good.

I am in a similar situation, as you describe yours to be. I have found that boundaries, looking after myself and sticking up for myself is the only way to survive and have the relationship move forward in a healthy way for both me and my wife.

The disordered spouse will try their best to confuse you as they need control.

My wife was afraid I would leave her if she admitted to having a disorder so tried hard to convince me that I had the problem not her. She was afraid of being abandoned and would not admit to her own issues.

It was the fear of abandonment, when I was telling her I was going to leave to look after myself that made her realize that she was behaving in a very destuctive manner. She then opened up and is recently starting to be real with me and others about her inability to control her emotions which is anger or rage as well as lying to defend actions she never did. Like your husband with the dog. They are great liars and will eventually drive you crazy (like them) if you allow it.

Joe

[Seashells]

I want him to KNOW that it's not healthy to yell, and my request that he not do so has nothing to do with me "not being able to handle conflict." 

I can so relate to this, and did get to the point where I wasn't yelled at any longer; yet the anger came out in other ways.

I'm not sure we can make them understand "healthy" (IMO they need to do their own work to come to that understanding).  It's probably most important for now to just get across that you won't stick around (in the same room or whatever) to listen to it.  Let him know what to expect from you as a response when it happens and then stick with it. 

It may help if you can come up with a back up plan for when you're in the car and tell him to let you out or drop you off if he won't stop.  Others here have done this in the past in dealing with the car scenario.  It's a tough one.

It's not easy, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hang in there.

[Love Is Not Enough]

They will do whatever they can to justify the way that they act. Including invalidating your own behavior, which you know to be appropriate. My gf tells me that I am not emotional enough, especially when we fight. That is just ridiculous, and of course she conveniently forgets how much more dysregulated she gets when I do yell back. I guess that is part of the magic of disassociation. I believe she wants me to be fight back to prove my love to her in some dysfunctional way.

So hang in there and stick to your guns. Set a boundary and stick to it. Get yourself out of the situation and take care of yourself. My gf has responded very well to me spending the night away after a bad fight. She did not like it at all, but her attitude improved dramatically. Like a 3yo, you have to teach them that there will be consequences for their bad behavior. It sounds harsh, but there is no other way. If it comes out in other ways, then set boundaries for those also. Good luck and I hope things improve.

[an0ught]

Hi earthgirl,

When my husband gets angry, he raises his voice.  If I ask for a time out, he wants to keep going. Sometimes he will stop but sometimes it seems like he can't. Sometimes this happens in the car and I can't get away.  He was in a previous relationship for a long time with someone and the way they resolved their conflicts was to yell loudly at each other and say abusive things to one another (they both thought this worked for them, they called it "clearing the air."  

I have tried to explain to him that I can't handle being yelled at (or even spoken to in a raised voice) -- I got a lot of yelling/emotional abuse from my mother growing up and it puts me in a very bad place very quickly -- I just can't handle it.

I've asked him not to yell/raise his voice, and his response is always:  "You really don't like conflict/don't know how to handle conflict."  Of course that's not true, in my last relationship (like any relationship) there was conflict but we spoke respectfully to each other.

I've tried to validate, explain that yes, it sounds like that worked for him before, it must seem strange to try to resolve conflict in a different way when that is not what he is used to.

Here's the thing:  he is trying, but it makes him incredibly frustrated to try to regulate his tone, it almost makes him angrier, like it would be easier/quicker if I just let him go off on me.  And there's this idea that I am fragile and need special handling or something.

This is SO frustrating to me:  I want him to KNOW that it's not healthy to yell, and my request that he not do so has nothing to do with me "not being able to handle conflict."  

Halp!

There is a certain point where validation can't reach the other side anymore. It is not ok to get yelled at in regular intervals. It seems also the case that he is not able to control himself so any amount of explaining does not help. However actions tend still to get through. So the only option you have are boundaries (links in LESSONS5) and mostly using timeouts (workshop) i.e. walking out on him for a limited time. It is not easy and scary the first times but it tends to change the conflict dynamic usually for the better and saves a lot of energy.

PS:  therapy is out of the question right now (financial reasons) but I am hoping we can start in a few months.

You are already talking about conflicts and communication. He seems to be trying but he also knows he is used to a different style ("clearing the air". Maybe working together through "The high conflict couple" (see book review section) could be an option? It would help both sides to express emotions better improving validation and self validation capability. But just to be clear - him learning to do better won't save you having to take a stand and establish boundaries, see links above.

[earthgirl]

Thanks, everyone.  I am going to work further on establishing/protecting my boundaries.  I appreciate the good (hard-won) perspectives here.