I'm struggling to keep my head above water...

[CBC]

Hello,

The reason I’m here is I need support with my wife.  I’m a great writer but this is very hard to write... .

So, I’ll give a give a quick synopsis of my life…

 

I moved to another state about two years ago and I met the love of my life, my dream girl.  We married in April of this year.  I have a stepson who is the second love of my life and I have some really amazing in-laws as well.  Before marrying my wife, I was aware that she struggles with bulimia and I knew she was also hot tempered at times.  After we married things started to change.  At first, I attributed it the bulimia but I quickly began to realize there was more to it, much more.  Arguments became more and more intense.  The jealousy and insecurity started to be overwhelming at times.  The emotional abuse started.  And yes, then came the physical abuse.  First it was intimidation, then touching, then hitting, and now I have scars on both my arms from her grabbing/scratching me.   After the last physical encounter, my wife, on her own, contacted a therapist and is seeing that person now.  I also contacted a therapist for myself and a marriage therapist for the both of us. 

I had an appointment with my therapist.  After describing the issues that I had been experiencing he suggested I check out BPD and NPD.  Well, unfortunately, both were applicable to my wife.  I suspect the therapist knew this but wanted me to see for myself.  My wife does have coexisting disorders (Narcissistic/Borderline/Bulimia).  Bulimia and Borderline are the dominate ones and she fits about 60% of the Narcissistic attributes.

That said, My wife recently had a miscarriage.  It was devastating for us both however, I took the brunt of her anger (threats of self harm too).  I said very little, except affirming/supportive statements, as I was constantly being berated and yelled at.  After the miscarriage was confirmed she calmed down and the bulimia took center stage.  The house reeks of vomit.  The binge and purge is in full swing.  My wife is emotionally unavailable and I'm left with no one I can talk to.  The miscarriage was very hard for me but no one cares about how I feel.  She is the love of my life, me best friend, and confidant and I miss her.  God, I really love her and want her back.   

From a supporting husband stance, I've been very good.  I have not yelled, accused, argued or challenged her in a way that could be construed as condescending.  I'm very careful that she gets a consistent message of empathy, love, and compassion.  Moreover, I've handled just about everything aside from cooking.  She doesn't drive (another story) so I take her to work, bring her home, pick-up my stepson, run the errands, clean the house, etc.  I also work as well and my job is stressful.  In the mornings, she is constantly running late and making me late for work.  She has effected my work performance and it has been brought to my attention.

This last week she has been very loving but not really "there".  Kind of like she is on auto pilot.  It feels as though she is feeling guilty about neglecting me while she is consumed by bulimia.  I know its genuine but it's kind of not (having trouble putting the feeling into words).  She has been making many statements about her weight. "Is she skinner than me? "I'm a fat slob." "My clothes don't fit." I make sure she knows she is loved and beautiful (see email attached below).   

Last night, I starting shutting-down.  Emotionally, physically I am exhausted and I had to disconnect.  She was supportive but also distant.  I tried a new approach.  I simply stated that I was overwhelmed, tired and very stressed.  I did not elaborate much but sighted work a possible cause and lack of relaxing time.  I told her I needed her help and to be held, touched, and loved.  She did do some and she did listen.  I was actually surprised... .                 

I’m sleep deprived, anxiety stricken, frustrated, overwhelmed and seriously terrified as I know this is the calm before the storm.  I don’t know what to do and for the first time in my life, I’m at a total loss…A complete and total loss. I have no down time and I'm starting to crack-up.

 

Is there a way to do this and continue a loving relationship with my wife?  Is there hope?  How can I do this without being the whipping post? 

I love her so stinking much.  I just want to be able to love her without all this mess in the way. 

C

See attached email below. 

__________hit_________

This is an email that I sent to her.  This is exactly how I feel about her and it is my consistent message I express to her.  

Hi love,

I don't think that I can put enough emphasis on the fact that you will always be loved. The reason I married you is for your mind, your soul, for all of you.

Not only are you physically beautiful but you are beautiful in every facet of your being. In all honesty, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, ever known, ever dreamed about.

Physically you will change and I want to be there for every change whether it be weight gain, pregnancy, scars, bumps, bruises, or anything.

You will always be physically attractive to me. I know this is a challenge for you to understand. However, I hope that it is not a challenge for you to understand that I will always be there. I will always love you. I will always be by your side. I will always want to touch you. I will always want to make love to you.

To me, you are physically perfect. I love your scars. I love the way you smell. I love the way you feel. I love every thing. From your toes to the top of your head you are free from any flaw or defect. The reason for this is I love you at a depth that I cannot even explain to you.

You are my dream girl and that's all there is to it. You're going to have to get used to that ;-)

I love you without hesitation and without judgment or reservation.

You are the ideal I think a woman should be.

With nonjudgmental love and acceptance I am yours,

C

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seashells]

CBC,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I just wanted to acknowledge your post and others will no doubt be along with more insight.

Have you tried reading any of the lessons on the right--->>

They are really helpful and may lessen your stress for a bit just by reading through them.

Also, this may be asking too much too quickly, and if so I hope you will forgive me.  After reading your post, I wondered if perhaps you are trying to be "perfect" for your wife and thinking this will hopefully cause her to love and appreciate you back regardless of the conditions she is suffering from. 

Is this assumption possibly close (in any way?) to how you may be thinking or feeling? 

If so?  You aren't alone. (and if not, you're still not alone, I'm just off base     There is nothing wrong with being loving and caring of course.  If you can relate to any of those thougths, again the lessons and the insight of others here may help you. 

Keep posting.

[an0ught]

Hi CBC,

you are struggling mightily. No wonder as you are continuously having to support your wife and work on improving her mood. Not that you make much headway. It is like rolling up a stone a hill just to have it watch rolling down again  

Do not despair! There are more effective and less exhausting strategies. You already made a big step lining up therapy. Individual therapy is usually best, for a discussion why see workshop section on marriage counseling. Please work through the LESSONS Seashells has mentioned and ask questions here on the board. It takes a while until you truly understand them. To get started let's look at

Not only are you physically beautiful but you are beautiful in every facet of your being. In all honesty, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, ever known, ever dreamed about.

Nice, beautiful words. Very flattering. This should make her feel good, right?

Not so certain! These words may cause more problems than they solve. To understand that let's consider how she may feel about herself:

 - depressed - life is not worth it.

 - unloved - Marriage is beyond repair, husband just does not get it

 - worthless - can't even manage to bear a child

 - her body has major defects (guess here, but bulimia is often associated with body image issues so her view of herself would then be 180 of yours)

 - helpless - can't express her pain

Now comparing your words with how a depressed, bulimic and recently had a miscarriage woman feels - they are not aligned or more accurate almost the opposite. We call this "invalidating" i.e. you are not listening to how she feels but you communicate how you want her to feel. Understandable, very common but unfortunately just makes her feel more sad, leading to even less regulated emotions.

Validating communication would focus on carefully listening and acknowledging her individual emotions. Right now these emotions are very bleak. Listening and expressing such negative emotions is not easy but necessary. Feeling understood how desperate she is helps her to feel less desperate. Validation helps her to regulate her emotions. She should be able to do that herself but her inability to do so is part and parcel of the illness so for the time being consistent validating communication from your side is important. You will find some pointers to workshops on validation in the LESSONS. It is best to study them and then work through real life examples here on the board.

,

a0