Need advice

[Aburn4827]

My wife has expressed to me a couple of months ago that she may have BPD and was thinking about getting help.  Then I guess I went overboard trying to find her help by looking up doctors and getting information about BPD for her to where now she doesn't even want to talk about it anymore.  After reading about BPD I am sure she has it, she has all of the traits. We are currently at a low point in our marriage and have seeked marriage counseling.  Our counselor has suggested individual sessions at first to get to know us better.  I'm wanting to know, should I bring this up to our counselor?  She has a background in psychology.  I know my wife won't say anything to her about it.  She hates the stigma that comes with mental health issues.  She is also good at putting on a front to get a diagnosis she feels she has instead of being honest and open with doctors.  Which is why she has been diagnosed with different things such as Bi-polar and general anxiety disorder.  Even when she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the doctor said he wasn't sure if that was really it or if that there wasn't something else as well.  I don't know what to do.  Should I talk to the therapist about it?  I'm thinking if she has any experience with BPD, not only will she be able to help my wife more, but help me as well to understand and get through some of the issues that arise.  We are currently in the "hater" stage where everything I do is wrong and not good enough.  She has another "connection" as she calls it that she is idolizing right now.  There is nothing I can say or do.  I don't know what else to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Mike

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is at a low point.  It's great that you're both open to therapy though!

It's usually recommended to talk about the behaviors that are driving the dynamic, rather than labeling your wife with a disorder.  Describe how the behaviors make you feel and your reactions to them.  Keep the focus on you and your healing

And keep reaching out for support  

[sunshine40]

It is hard for us to not get excited when he see a little ray of hope and then throw all our BPD skills, tools or knowledge at our SO's. I have found the best way to open conversations about BPD is to wait for his cues and then when he asks I ask clarifying questions about what he wants to know, and then pretty much only answer the questions he asks.

Other ways to sneak it in is to no connect behaviors to BPD, even though we know it is related.

"The High Conflict Couple" is a good book FOR people in "all" relationships, but specifically designed for a relationship in which someone has (at least) BPD characteristics, BUT it is not mentioned in the book. If your wife is open to counseling she may learn some tools to help your marriage through this book, while you go through it together, then there is also no stigma of being labeled anything and you do not have to go through the face-work success she has with doctors (my husband does that too. He goes to the doc to tell THEM what he has and get what he wants.)

I have no success with my H being remotely open to counseling, but I would see no harm in calling your counselor to ask about what they know about BPD, or their background in personality disorders or DBT/CBT... .and dropping hint without saying anything directly.

-Best wishes,

Sun