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Topic: Projection and bizarre recount of events (Read 619 times)
Lisalisa75
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 17
Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
on:
January 18, 2017, 02:24:59 PM »
Hi everyone. I am sad and confused and feel very much alone. I meet the girl of my dreams Dec. 2014. Everything was a movie until June 2015. Her chronically ill father passed away and just like that a version of a human i have never encountered slowly started coming out. Insulting me, loving me one day, seemingly hating me the next. It was so painful and i did all i could to comfort and support and show love, and it was like all of a sudden this person who wanted to marry me now took me on a roller coaster where i didn't know who i was going to get moment to moment. I was being devalued. Fast forward to my first discard Jan. 2016. during that month she would leave me waiting for her outside in the cold sometimes for 30 mins. while she was drinking a beer with buddies (and i was sick), i would try to kiss her and she would be like stop and i would say why? and she would say why not? it destroyed me. She decided at the end of that month. She couldn't do it anymore and didn't want my feelings. I was a wreck. I cried and was a mess for about 3 days... .until she messaged me with a hey and then missing me and blah blah blah... .saw her two weeks later and had sex and then she pushed me away again... .and this sorta kept going on... .sometimes she wouldn't take to me for a week but then reappear. Fast forward to June 2015 and she was back telling me she loves me again and we need to make a life us... .a week later when I asked her to come with me for my sons MRI, she said... .that didn't sound like fun. August she told me to get lost again... .sorta kept talking to me in September here and there if i initiated and by Oct. she was like... .hate me if you want to, just go live your life. again... .I am a wreck. Fast forward to these past holidays... .she saw me from afar on Dec. 19th. I didn't see her... .but that was the first time I went out with confidence and I wasn't broken. She message me that night saying she missed me and it has been bothering her for months and xoxo and all of that... .I caved and 3 days later we were on the phone for 3 hours and she was saying how she missed our adventures and laughing and cuddling and she loved me. I saw her on the Wednesday and we hugged and she cried and we kissed a bit, i slept over however and we held each other. I saw her the next night. She had a panic attack... .I am a huge care giver and I took her for a walk, comforted her in bed, got her water, calmed her down and held her and kissed her head until it passed. I made sure she was safe... .told her i loved her and went home. The next day i heard nothing until I messaged her and was like HIIIII babe are you ok? and then i got, the Nothing has changed and sure i don't regret messaging you cause it has been super nice but let's go back to not talking. I got really upset and she basically was like... .go live your life. She brought me back, to throw me away. That weekend, she walked right by me... .and didn't care. two weeks prior seeing her made her heart sink. I messaged her saying i don't get it... .how do you go from missing me and your heart sinking to this? she was like move on. Blue Monday - I was blue. I messaged saying i was sad and i missed her... .she went on to tell me at the beginning of the conversation that she isn't thinking of me, that she can turn it off... .that i clearly just came over for sex ! (WHAT? we hadn't had sex since May 2016... .SEX was never my priorty) and that when I was taking care of her when she was panicking that i clearly hated every minute of it cause i was rolling my eyes! (WHAT? the woman i loved was letting me back in... .the person I have been crying about every day for months was in my arms and i was able to help her... .i was in heaven!). Then she said... .you hate me, even if you don't realize! WHAT THE
#$%! I love you... .I want you back. Then she said... .i can love you and miss you and not want to be with you, i am happy on my own, go be happy. BYE!
PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME... .I AM DESTROYED
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FSTL
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #1 on:
January 18, 2017, 02:44:02 PM »
Like everyone else here, I really feel for you.
Hopefully you've read or will read a lot about BPD.
Most of us in your shoes have reached the conclusion that love like this is an addiction and like a drug addiction, it is hard to break free. Think of it this way... .you go for a hit of [name vice] and it makes you feel good, until it goes away, and then you feel bad again. You get the good and the awful bad from taking a hit.
BPD's are the same - it feels great, until it feels awful.
I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and what you FEEL is right for you.
In my case it was going NC, although I have had to settle for LC as we work together. What is right for you?
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Lisalisa75
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 17
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #2 on:
January 18, 2017, 02:49:49 PM »
Hi FSTL,
Thank you for responding. I eventually did go NC (I mean she did too I guess since she cut me off) and I never thought I would hear from her again. After her last message in Sept/Oct that said... .I'm busy and I don't wanna, so give live your life and (insert scripted... .be happy crap here) I didn't hear a peep... .so I started working on myself, going to therapy... .where she suggested a narc (she had no empathy) and also what sounded like borderline.
So, I am not going to reach out again, cause at this moment, she loathes me. and every time i say... .i don't understand you missed me and love me weeks ago... .she is like, well things change!
I am nuts? Does this sound BPD to you? Do they actually totally twist what really happened to suit them? (I never hated any minute of taking care of her or rolled my eyes... .in fact I was elated to be with her).
I am so lost. I just don't know why she brought me back to throw me away... .again!
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #3 on:
January 18, 2017, 02:57:00 PM »
hi Lisalisa75, i want to join FSTL and say
it sounds like this person is very impulsive and fickle, and that has caused you a great deal of confusion and pain. im very sorry for the reasons that have brought you here, but glad you found us, youre in good company.
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 18, 2017, 02:49:49 PM
Do they actually totally twist what really happened to suit them? (I never hated any minute of taking care of her or rolled my eyes... .in fact I was elated to be with her).
it was a bitter pill and a shock to my system for me to see that my ex experienced our relationship very differently from me. but it was a double edged sword in that that realization slowly led me to better understand what i had been through, and depersonalize what was very hurtful behavior.
are you seeing a therapist to help you process? many members have found it to be an invaluable tool in their healing. additionally, i hope you will continue to post and share your story with us, it really helps to talk, and we are here for you every step of the way.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lisalisa75
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 17
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #4 on:
January 18, 2017, 03:05:23 PM »
I do see a therapist (2 actually now cause I am trying whatever approach I can to heal). and I also have a cousin who when i was telling her about how it was just like her feelings changed... .she was like BORDERLINE! So I think it is a pretty fair assessment that she has a personality disorder, that apparently can get greatly unmasked after a trauma.
To be honest, I have cried so much over her and how come she can't love me and what is wrong with me that i am not worth it. How she has taken this new approach and is now a victim, yet i have taken years of pain and hurt from her.
But it was her telling me that i didn't like her and her telling me i hated something that opened my eyes a bit. I know one thing about me and I am a giver with a heart of gold and have always put her needs above anyone. Her saying I didn't like her... .made me shake my head... .and they when she said i hated every minute of helping her... .well, she can leave me out in the cold and I won't challenge her, or talk down to me, but challenge my goodness... .I know one thing about myself and that is i am good and kind. Her saying that, sorta made my cry a little less today. I saw something I have never seen before. A complete fabrication of an event I was part of. It was very shocking at first and then sorta scary.
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #5 on:
January 18, 2017, 03:12:34 PM »
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 18, 2017, 03:05:23 PM
But it was her telling me that i didn't like her and her telling me i hated something that opened my eyes a bit.
i would suggest this is a reflection of how she feels about herself, and how she believes others see her. if you dont believe you are deserving of love, acts and words of kindness can actually feel invalidating.
id encourage you to check out the lessons (links) directly to the right (link here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0
)
it can go a long way to understand what drives this behavior and what is not personal to us. its a complex disorder, we often arrive with so many questions, and the lessons are a great place to start.
seeing a therapist is a great step too, along with sharing with us and seeking support. youre not alone. how has therapy gone so far? i know it hasnt been long and it sounds like things are understandably very raw right now.
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lisalisa75
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Posts: 17
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #6 on:
January 18, 2017, 03:29:46 PM »
I basically just cry a lot and ask what did i do to make her hate me? why aren't i worth it? why did she some back and say she loved me? she must because why else come back... .but then she walks by me two weeks later. I just cry a lot. And of course above anything, I wish she would go get professional diagnosed... .but she doesn't even think she has a problem... .when i say how can you just love me and drop me... .her response is... .it happens... .like is is a normal thing. The only thing i can say is that my friends who experienced this with me and my therapists have both come to conclusion so is narcissistic with BPD traits or visa versa... .OR BOTH! I just wish i knew for sure... .all i have to go on is what they say and I would hope two trained therapists wouldn't just say stuff like that unless they knew that was the case.
Sadly, I want to message her today and say i am sorry you hate me. Cause me caving and telling her i loved her and wanted to be with her again, made her go away. me trying to kiss her made her think i was only in it for sex. I feel like this is all my fault and if i would have just been cool and not really into the feelings aspect, she would still like me.
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Lisalisa75
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #7 on:
January 19, 2017, 03:21:55 PM »
Does anyone else have any insight. I feel so lost and have no support
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ShadowA
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #8 on:
January 19, 2017, 03:47:42 PM »
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 19, 2017, 03:21:55 PM
Does anyone else have any insight. I feel so lost and have no support
If she truly is BPD. You're not going to win. She has a distorted reality, and your reality is going to be different than hers.
You'll literally have to wait til she paints you white again to even get through with her.
It's normal for victims to blame themselves throughout the relationship.
However, you need to take a step back and look at things critically.
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #9 on:
January 19, 2017, 03:51:11 PM »
youve suffered a huge blow. having a loved one behave this way toward you is completely surreal. its very traumatic, and your questions and pain are a natural result. let them out. things will get better, but expect that it will take some time - sometimes it may even feel like things are getting worse before they get better.
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 18, 2017, 03:29:46 PM
I feel like this is all my fault and if i would have just been cool and not really into the feelings aspect, she would still like me.
would that have been a sustainable or fulfilling relationship for you?
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lisalisa75
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 17
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #10 on:
January 19, 2017, 05:54:36 PM »
I appreciate the responses... .I do understand as well that i let her have all the power with this. I guess I do desperately wanted the woman back who seemed to beyond love me. Her now flipping it makes me sick... .like she is a victim of ME treating her poorly! I had her up on a pedestal. I am grateful for all the advice and insight because she has now pushed me away and pulled me back 3 times... .I feel like I might actually be the one who stops the cycle.
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apollotech
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #11 on:
January 19, 2017, 11:04:33 PM »
"... .she has now pushed me away and pulled me back 3 times... .I feel like I might actually be the one who stops the cycle."
Lisalisa75,
I feel for you; the push/pull is very hurtful and confusing as you've experienced firsthand. You are correct in your assessment, it will likely be you that has to end the chaos. If your friend is afflicted with BPD, she will have a hard time walking away from you, the attachment, as long as you're a participant (which doesn't require a whole lot from you for her to see you as still being attached). It will end when you end it. You are not responsible for caretaking her, but you are resonsible for taking care of yourself in all of this.
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Lisalisa75
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Posts: 17
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #12 on:
January 20, 2017, 07:47:35 AM »
"she will have a hard time walking away from you"
I have heard this before but it seems as tho at the moment she wants nothing to do with me. It was like ya maybe I missed you but I don't want you in my life!
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apollotech
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #13 on:
January 20, 2017, 12:42:05 PM »
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 20, 2017, 07:47:35 AM
"she will have a hard time walking away from you"
I have heard this before but it seems as tho at the moment she wants nothing to do with me. It was like ya maybe I missed you but I don't want you in my life!
Lisalisa75,
Well, who knows what she'll do. As you said, "at the moment," she is okay with being separated from you.
The important thing now is that you have some breathing room--you can now take a personal inventory of yourself and begin the detaching/healing process. That is something that is within your power to control.
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vanx
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #14 on:
January 22, 2017, 03:11:56 PM »
Hi, Lisalisa, I just wanted to chime in here and offer support, because it sounds like you are in shock and pain, and I can relate to being in such a place. I had an experience too, if I am understanding your story right, of feeling like a supportive partner, empathize with my pwBPD, and being shocked when she seemed so shut down. Suddenly I was in shock. Where was the person who I felt close to just a week ago?
I don't know if it would help ease any pain now, but I would add I think you should feel good about your traits of wanting to love, be loved, and connect. Right now, you yourself are the person who deserves the love you have to give. Hang in there!
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michel71
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #15 on:
January 22, 2017, 06:50:06 PM »
Like so many of us on here, I can relate to your pain. Keep reading these posts and learning about BPD. It will help you. Knowledge is power and so is understanding how these relationships can deteriorate.
When I have been to the depths of despair I have asked myself what am I TRULY feeling. Is it sadness? Shock? Loneliness? Anger? For me a lot of it was fear. Fear of the unknown. An unknown future. I planned my life and my tomorrows around her, so now what? Will somebody else love me before I die? Or is this it? An unknown me... .what am I going to feel tomorrow, next month or next year? What if is the same or worse? WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF.
You can go crazy just thinking about stuff like that. So my advice? Just don't. Go back to baseline. That has to be your goal. Being with these disordered people have emotionally depleted us and some of us are a shell of ourselves. Again, go back to baseline. Know that you are in panic mode or despair mode or whatever you want to term it. Think: BASELINE. BASELINE.
What is baseline? A state of calm. For me it is even emotions. Level. Status quo. It is that moment after you are saying "okay... .okay... ." and taking slow deep breaths. Then stillness. You can be with yourself at that place and stay there for awhile. Nothing is either bad nor good. It is... .just as it is.
Baseline is a safe place. It is a taking care of you place. A thinking clearly place. And a very rejuvenative place. It is also a powerful place because you control it. Remember: you can absolutely positively control YOU.
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Lisalisa75
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #16 on:
January 22, 2017, 06:57:15 PM »
Thank you! So hard to comprehend a person I was so great to, loathes me. We played sports in the same league and she can still go to all the outings and doesn't care at all if I am there or not. She does what is best for her. I would give space to a person that I hurt. She goes to all the socials, signs up for tournaments she knows I organized in previous years and I alway go to. I feel like she won! I lost her and a big chunk of my life and she gets to love life and move on not even having any empathy for my feelings. And yet when I was finally strong after two months of no contact to go to one of these events she messaged me and brought me right back in only to toss me away 4 days later. She literally has uprooted my life with no consideration of my feelings. I don't think it even occurs to her that I will be going to these events... .I am as memorable as a stranger and yet she will try again
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michel71
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #17 on:
January 22, 2017, 07:19:17 PM »
Lisa... .these people are VERY dangerous. They destroy people and relationships. Don't judge her on a reasonable prudent healthy person standard. You have to accept that she is disordered. Sounds a lot like a narcissist too. She will never feel like you feel. She can't.
She may be far too toxic to stay in contact with. Mine is not THAT toxic as I am not really getting the push nor pull. IT is more like a sad acceptance that we did not work out, not as a couple nor a blended family. I know she still loves me. I still love her. But I also am pretty darn sure that she is incapable of acknowledging her part in our marriage failing. She really thinks it was all me... .I HURT HER... .I CHANGED... .I LET HER DOWN... .
Like you I was and continue to be flabbergasted by her re-writing history and actually accusing me of the things that she was guilty of. It is called PROJECTION. It is so ridiculous now with us that I see it like a school yard debate... "no, you are"... ."no, you are". I mean, it does not matter how much I try to get my point across or that she actually hurt me. It will always be flipped back around.
I am one the most generous and kind hearted people that I know. Other people tell me that. I have had friendships lasting 40 years! If I was so horrible I wouldn't have any friends.
Yet I also co-dependent. That has made me foolish.
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Lisalisa75
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #18 on:
January 23, 2017, 09:56:05 AM »
She cut me off tho. Even saw me on the weekend and tossed me the nastiest look then went to the local hang out where we all used to go. I was so upset. All I did was love her and show her compassion and it seems like in her mind I was a monster. That's not at all the case. I know I am a giver and in this relationship the co-dependent which I agree I need to address. But I would have given up my life for here. I always treated her like gold and yet she cut me out
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ynwa
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
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Reply #19 on:
January 23, 2017, 12:46:34 PM »
Hey There Lisalisa,
You are damn good person. You do have a heart of gold. I am seeing you push hard with everything you got. Which tells me you are a strong person.
Ask yourself don't you want that in return? You may love her, but it's fine to be angry with her, disappointed and hurt. You need to feel that. You definitely don't need to express it to her. How she treats you is not ok. She at best is clumsy with emotions, at her worst is your worst nightmare?
Wouldn't be great to be at one of those gatherings or games, and ignore her? And I say this knowing full well I cannot do that myself. I struggle with anger and resentment, from being that guy with the heart of gold. From being the one who bore the brunt of her unhappiness in insults and abuse.
It's hard. It shouldn't happen. It doesn't make sense. But I can make sense of my feelings, and take responsibility for them. Not all the time, can I keep my head up and clear, but I'm going on a week of no contact with my ex. I have nothing to say to her I haven't already. Nothing that will change who she is. I cry, a big tall dude, cry till I can't breathe. But I'm aware of WHY.
It's not easy to see, I see it in the distance. It's clouded by ideas good and bad.
Lisa, take this time for you. Step back and see it for the peace and quiet it is. You don't have to cut her out of your life forever, but for now? You have gotten this far and didn't actually realize you were doing it alone? That's how strong you are.
You got this Lisa.
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Lisalisa75
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #20 on:
January 23, 2017, 04:24:58 PM »
But are they actually delusional? Does she think I was really a horrible person or does she remember it how it really was? That I did everything for her and loved her even when it was hard. It's so upsetting thinking she thinks I was in the wrong when I dedicated my life to her happiness
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SuperJew82
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
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Reply #21 on:
January 23, 2017, 04:48:06 PM »
I can't speak for every case - but I do think they actually believe the altered reality. It's like they are writing their own distorted memories. If you think about it, it makes sense. What triggers intense longstanding memories? I think times of high emotions tend to get recorded in our memory banks the best. So when someone when pwBPD store their memories, it has been mixed or just plain dominated by their unhealthy powerful emotions.
That probably makes it hard to get better. We learn and adapt by looking back at events and seeing how we can get better outcomes.
When they look back, they recollect all the ways previous partners have invoked emotional pain. Emotion = reality. They will distort their perception (their reality) so that it supports their emotional state.
When I blocked her on all fronts and went NC about 2 months ago - her last words were not " I'm sorry" , "the best of luck to you" , or " I understand ". It was " You are a sick and deceptive sociopath. I feel sorry for anyone who knows you "
I'm pretty sure she still feels like that. I'm such a bad person for getting mad at her lying, cheating, and etc... .
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ynwa
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #22 on:
January 23, 2017, 05:50:33 PM »
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 23, 2017, 04:24:58 PM
But are they actually delusional? Does she think I was really a horrible person or does she remember it how it really was?
Delusional? No. Unable to accept things they have done or said. Yes. Partmof detaching and disengaging is to see that you should not take their words "personally". There is a thing called projection, where they point at their loved one and hand over all the "blame". Most of it imagined.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
But for you, take off that coat of blame she put on you. its very hard to take off, they can out it in so smoothly. But deep down, right now. Stand your ground against your doubts and take a deep breath. Tell yourself out loud she is wrong.
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Lisalisa75
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Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
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Reply #23 on:
January 24, 2017, 10:13:40 AM »
TODAY I AM HAVING PANIC! Any advice? I wanna reach out and say I am sorry and I miss you. Today i want her back even tho she admitted to me she can just not think of me and turn it off. She has infiltrated me social circle and I have no where to turn. Why did this happen? WHY? I just want the person who curled into me back
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ShadowA
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 123
Re: Projection and bizarre recount of events
«
Reply #24 on:
January 24, 2017, 07:56:30 PM »
Quote from: Lisalisa75 on January 24, 2017, 10:13:40 AM
TODAY I AM HAVING PANIC! Any advice? I wanna reach out and say I am sorry and I miss you. Today i want her back even tho she admitted to me she can just not think of me and turn it off. She has infiltrated me social circle and I have no where to turn. Why did this happen? WHY? I just want the person who curled into me back
Hey, whenever you have an urge to do something. Take 24 hours to think it over. This way you don't do something you regret.
Easier said than done, of course.
Let me say this, I experienced what you have before, and in fact I've had a bad early day and felt the same way.
You'll make it, it takes time.
Sorry m8, but me and you can ask 'why' to the heavens.
The thing is, we may never know, because their reality is distorted like I mentioned.
Also, you'll never get her side unless she paints you white. Even with her side, you'll still find faults in the logic and contradiction. You also may never get the full truth either.
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