Just seeing a picture...

[willy45]

OK. So. I just saw a picture of my ex. One that I've seen a million times before on her LinkedIn profile. I was looking through the connections of some of my connections and saw here there (connected to one of my connections... . ). Sent a jolt through my body. What is that about?

[JohnThorn]

OK. So. I just saw a picture of my ex. One that I've seen a million times before on her LinkedIn profile. I was looking through the connections of some of my connections and saw here there (connected to one of my connections... . ). Sent a jolt through my body. What is that about?

Willy, I was about to post a similar thread.  Although I know the answer, and you probably do also... .

In a the BPD relationship, we (the non-BPD member) gets attached to the BPD member because of what they represent to us and the voids that they fill, and the problems that their initial infatuation fix within us. 

When we see that picture (and are in control of seeing that picture)... . we are able to prepare and contemplate... but when the picture randomly pops up before us without our being aware beforehand that it's going to happen, it's exactly like getting punched in the stomach before having time to flex your muscles... . that is what killed the great Houdini.

[willy45]

hmmm... . what do you mean?

The feelings are so intense. Like I want to jump out of my skin. I can't even identify the feelings. Longing. Regret. Fear. Terror. All in one. So weird. I hate it.

[JohnThorn]

hmmm... . what do you mean?

The feelings are so intense. Like I want to jump out of my skin. I can't even identify the feelings. Longing. Regret. Fear. Terror. All in one. So weird. I hate it.

I mean, you weren't truly prepared to see her picture.  It wasn't like you were flipping through a photo album consciously aware that she was going to be in the picture. You were browsing linked in and her picture just appeared... . caught you off guard.  You weren't prepared and its as if you didn't have time to "flex your muscle."  It's the difference between jumping off a ladder and falling off a ladder.

[LettingGo14]

Sent a jolt through my body. What is that about?

Willy -- we alone assign meaning to people, places, and things.  What emotion(s) did you feel?   The "jolt" is a surge from our limbic system.

[willy45]

I guess the overarching feeling is fear. Fear that all the feelings can so easily flood back. Fear that she is in my world somehow. I want her completely out of my world, out of my mind.

[willy45]

And yes John. I wasn't prepared. I guess I was looking hoping to not see her so I can feel safe.

[LettingGo14]

I guess the overarching feeling is fear. Fear that all the feelings can so easily flood back. Fear that she is in my world somehow. I want her completely out of my world, out of my mind.

Here's what I am learning.  Fear is tremendously powerful.  It is a primal emotion that leads to fight, flight, or freeze.   We can't repress it, numb it, ignore it, or beat it into submission (or, if we do, we risk dissociation). 

What techniques did you do when you were in T?  You mentioned PTSD in the past.  How did you face it?

[willy45]

Hmmm... . Great question... .

What did I learn... . I guess to breath... . To see the feeling and let it go. To write down all her good features and bad and to integrate them.

D@MN IT! I'm just getting so tired of doing this work. I feel like such a failure when this happens. I can't believe that just a 1 second view of her photo (I panicked and closed the browser right away) can have on me. It just seems so overwhelming... .

[Emelie Emelie]

Hey Willy - I wish it were a straight and steady climb out for all of us... . it just isn't.  There's a very complex bond in these relationships.  The last thing you are is a "failure".  You're doing a lot of great work.  Hang in there!

[LettingGo14]

D@MN IT! I'm just getting so tired of doing this work. I feel like such a failure when this happens. I can't believe that just a 1 second view of her photo (I panicked and closed the browser right away) can have on me. It just seems so overwhelming... .

Willy -- someone much wiser than me told me to stop paddling upstream when I was doing so.  You are hard on yourself, man.  Give yourself a break.  Close your eyes and imagine accepting it.  

It is hard work.  But the payoff is good mental health.  You could see 1 million photos that would not trigger you.  Her's is the one that happens to do so.  The answer is inside of us, brother.   We assign the "value" and we can take it back.

[Narellan]

Yeah willy I am the same. I get that when I see a car I think is his, or when the phone rings. I'm trying to identify it as anxiety/ fear but sometimes it might feel like excitement. The heart palpitates too and I sweat and feel nauseous. Sometimes I think I confuse fear and excitement? It just all feels like a rush. Maybe I like that?

Like the words in that song " everything that kills me makes me feel alive" everything that drowns me makes me want to fly" I really identify with that. After feeling numb for years it's really great to feel anything! But I have done a few stupid/ dangerous things since my marriage breakup because I've misread fear for excitement.