when do i get a turn?

[jedicloak]

I have been reading a variety of threads tonight and it led me to a real life issue that I'm stuck on. Looking for your feedback.

The BPDw is often in counseling - which is not inexpensive. She needs medications which are not inexpensive. She had surgery on both hips over the course of a couple years and rehab to strengthen them. The point is, she seems to be a bottomless pit of "needs" and my "need" of getting my teeth straightened seems to fail to reach the level of getting addressed. I understand that if a person is suffering from a severed limb - you rally to the cause and deal with it. But what happens after several years of waiting for my turn, and she seems to have another need - a car, college classes, etc, etc, etc. She doesn't work because of her BPD and when she did work, it only lasted a few months. I have worked the entire time keeping us both afloat... .  ok, I'm resentful. I want a turn! AND I don't want to feel guilty doing it! Yes, I feel bad, because I know she needs her counseling, meds, etc., etc., UGH.

-jedicloak

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[123Phoebe]

Hi jedicloak 

When do you get a turn? 

When you believe you're worthy of it

I lived without certain things in my marriage, as my (exnonBPD) husband's needs seemed to take precedence.  I'd get all resentful at the unfairness of it, but there I was letting it happen.  I never took a serious stand for what I wanted or what was acceptable.  Sure, I'd bang around and get indignant over things, whine to friends etc... .  , but I didn't take myself and my needs seriously.  I was waiting for him to give me the go-ahead to put things that were important to me on the front burner. 

I'm resentful. I want a turn! AND I don't want to feel guilty doing it!

Oh man, the guilt; I know all about that!  Have any idea where this guilt is coming from?  Try to get in touch with your guilt, jedicloak.  Challenge your thoughts and make yourself a priority... .    Really, it's okay

[raindancer]

jedicloak

I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did. I know from my own experience that always putting someone else's needs first does lead to resentment toward the person. And putting yourself first ends up with you feeling guilty for doing it.

I can't give you your answer - I only know that after years of feeling invisible and struggling to be heard over all the "I needs" from him, I finally asked myself "what's the worst thing that can happen if I (visit my kids) (go out with friends) (get a job) (go back to school)... .  ?" Mine was a long list of things that had been bumped to the bottom - even the toilet getting cleaned was before my needs. The answer to that was - at first I was punished with conflict, then I was guilt-tripped, then I was accused, then I was hated... .  somewhere in there I did those things that I'd let him control and I found me again, which wasn't a bad thing.

Finally a boundary - I'm a person too and he couldn't stop me from doing everything I needed to do for me. The outcome was his acceptance (as he can give it).

Ask yourself "what's the worst thing that can happen if I do this for me?"

[waverider]

A needy pwBPD will always guilt trip you into putting them first. You have to recognize this and see it for what it is. You are unlikely to get co operation in getting your needs met before theirs, so you just have to do it.

[jedicloak]

These are responses are very insightful. I have many things I must continue to change! Thank you for bringing such clarity to confusion.

[VeryFree]

My r/s was always about my stbxBPDw.

From the moment I chose to take some more instead of only giving, things went from bad to worse.

Not my way to say you shouldn't (you should take care of yourself!), but to warn you. Take your measures.

[waverider]

It is about regaining your self esteem and reducing self doubt about your decisions. You cannot make important decisions about your life be dictated by an unwell mind

[jedicloak]

stbxBPDw?

What is the "stbx?"

[sadeyes]

stbxBPDw?

What is the "stbx?"

Soon to be ex

[sadeyes]

My pwBPD is a tiny bit different. Emotionally his needs are ALWAYS first, and he does very little to meet any of mine. Financially, he wants me to spend spend spend on me. I think this is to help him avoid guilt because he spends spends.spends on unnecessary things. Problem is if I did it too,.we would not be able to afford "luxuries" such as food & shelter.

[waverider]

My pwBPD is a tiny bit different. Emotionally his needs are ALWAYS first, and he does very little to meet any of mine. Financially, he wants me to spend spend spend on me. I think this is to help him avoid guilt because he spends spends.spends on unnecessary things. Problem is if I did it too,.we would not be able to afford "luxuries" such as food & shelter.

Yes it is a form of projection I think, wanting you to behave as they do in order to justify/normalize their own behavior.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic and she always wants to buy me bottles of wine and pushing to me have a drink at night, almost watching me is the next best thing to doing it herself. She struggles to see me being responsible (most of the time! ) with alcohol.

[Auspicious]

Having a partner who suffers from BPD does generally mean that the "normal" adjustments of give and take are not going to happen consistently from their side.

Which puts the burden of figuring out what is "fair" on us.

[briefcase]

Having a partner who suffers from BPD does generally mean that the "normal" adjustments of give and take are not going to happen consistently from their side.

Which puts the burden of figuring out what is "fair" on us.

  . . . and I would add, having the confidence to act on it after we figure it out.  A big part of being in these relationships is learning to get over the fear of their intense, emotional reactions when we do things to take care of our own needs. 

[waverider]

Having a partner who suffers from BPD does generally mean that the "normal" adjustments of give and take are not going to happen consistently from their side.

Which puts the burden of figuring out what is "fair" on us.

  . . . and I would add, having the confidence to act on it after we figure it out.  A big part of being in these relationships is learning to get over the fear of their intense, emotional reactions when we do things to take care of our own needs. 

Yep it takes strength to enact what you know you should.

[hithere]

AND I don't want to feel guilty doing it!

Mine always needed also... .  two plastic surgeries, new clothes, vacations... .  guilt is part of being in the FOG, she will always want and your needs will be secondary, unless you set a boundary to fix it.