Not sure how much i can hang on

[AKK1207]

It didn't start out like this.  He was a happy, kind, protective man.  4 years after being together he lost his job, started heavily drinking, started drugs (or just more).  He would hang out in the bathroom so that i could not see what he was doing.  He was not happy any more, arguing with others.  He was venting loudly one night in the bathroom and i just ignored him but it was so loud that my adult children living with us heard him venting about them which started a huge situation.  Both my children ended up moving out and i stay and believed he had an addiction problem it wasn't his fault.  He has no other family and only has 1 or 2 friends if they are still talking to him.  I moved out of the three bedroom apartment that we lived in, into a two bedroom apartment.  He was suppose to find his own place but with no money and no job I let him in the other bedroom.  He again was either in the bathroom or in the other bedroom doing something probably drugs.  He was complaining all the time about the world and about how his hip hurt but refuse to see a doctor or to do what they told him to do.  All he wanted was to get MRI and see what was wrong but doctors like to start we some PT and move on to that after (i thing it is for insurance purposes).  He said he would get a job and get his life together and find his own place.  After a year in that apartment I moved out again into a one bedroom apartment, but again with no where for him to go I let him stay in a large extra space.  He constantly was in the bathroom since there was no door to the other space.  Again saying he will find a job or if i give him some money he would move to a remote area find some land for the dogs and live there himself.   He had also taken my jewelry and pawn it, the first time i gave him money to get it back but he just pawn it again and i ended up having to go get it myself, I again said it was the drugs not him.  There were many conversation that i was not happy and i need my own space and he would say he would soon leave.  Anyway, this pass Feb near the end my mom had heart failure after her hospital stay she went to rehab.  I would try to visit her every other day if possible and my other siblings would visit other days. One day I came home and he went crazy accusing me of cheating, saying he is going to have his say and that i need to stop treating him badly and everything was my fault. At first I argue, but then i stop because I knew if i continue i could say something to really to make him go crazy and possible hurt me or himself.  I had paid to get some of his jewelry back from the pawn shop and it was in my safety deposit box and he said it was his and insisted i had to return it. It got to the point where i just wanted him gone so next day i went and got it and gave it to him.  He didn't leave. Then he wanted money and promise to leave.  I gave him some money and he used to pay off his drug dealers so that they would not come after me he said.  4 days later after the accusing me of cheating he was still in my face. I didn't want to leave because it was my apartment. But he was still in my face. I packed some things in a knapsack that i carry everyday and i was going to not come back but he insisted on us walking the dogs.  So we walked, i was behind him and he was yelling at me in the street that it was all my fault this was happening. I wasn't talking I was just walking behind trying to figure out my escape.  We finally came to a bench and i sat down and said i wasn't moving but I was holding one of the dogs.  He walked away with the other one and came back, he was still saying something at this point i don't even no what.  Finally he took the other dog and said he was going home and see me at home.  I let him get to as far as i couldn't see him and i walked as fast as i could to the second train station so that he couldn't catch me at the first.  He called me and i told him i wasn't coming back and he started screaming he coming down to look for me now.  Then i agreed to him i would come back but continued on a train.  He called my sister, called my brother in law which is the person he swear i'm having an affair with. He called my nephew to say  he should check on me.  I ended up calling my sister and went to her place.  I'm not sure if it was the first call or there was a second call but my sister ended up telling him I'm okay and that I'm not coming back tonight.  He continue trying to call me and i didn't answer.  My brother in-law called me and say whats going on and i said i left.  I didn't explain anything but that i was okay.  My brother in law called me back later on saying that he called him saying that we were having an affair.  I couldn't say anything but that he was loosing it.  My brother in law said ok as long as you are safe.  He ask me if he should talk to him and i said it up to him.  I stayed with my sister for about a month.  Eventually i talked to him because he had all the pets 2 dogs and 2 cats. I was worried about the pets.  So I was juggling work, visiting my mother, cleaning her apartment up for her return and talking to him.  He asked me for more money and that he would leave.  I was like i gave you and you didn't, he was like i owed him, i owed him for the 8 years we were together. For him putting up with my children and the way they were not always nice but neither was he.  But yes he was paying for some of the rent so my kids should not have as much to say since they were not. I look back now that it was a mistake trying to save money and all of us living together.  My kids did not have intentions to stay but had not yet figure there way out.  But if he would have actually talked to me and said that he wasn't happy instead of small remarks and staying in the bedroom then maybe i would have heard what he was trying to say.  But I worked more than full time I had my own business and i try to share everything with him, but now he say i was just buying him.  I truthfully thought he was happy the first 4 years.  Everyone and all family fights but I didn't see how unhappy he was.  He seemed very happy to tell me what gifts he wanted and how happy it made him and that he loved me. He looked happy with the cars, the motorcycle, jewelry, expensive clothes and vacations.  But then he said that my kids living there he felt like he was in prison in the bedroom.  Take it my kids were also in their bedroom. Everyone came out to the kitchen to get food.  Some stuff that bothered him was my daughter asking him not to eat certain food since she was saving it for lunch or herself.  She was from dorm life and i try to explain to her that everything in the fridge is shared, that we shared our food and she should share some of hers.  Then there was the smoking.  He smoke but she doesn't and I stop but it bother her and ask him not to smoke all through the house.  My son, yes another free loader went through a selling sneaker phase and had sneakers all over the living room.  Eventually he did move it but not at the speed that we wanted.  He use to tell me your kids always comes first.  I paid my kids portion of the rent because he had a very expensive life style and never saved money even though i told him too.  He was sometimes a very kind person, he would give people in the street money and food and help them out.  so sometimes he did have a very kind heart.  Back to us so he blames me for where we are today.  That my children basic kept him like a prisoner in his room because he felt he couldn't do this or that.  Which he said start his alcoholism.  One time he was so drunk he wanted to go out in the street and fight with people and my son went out and brought him back.  He said I use to bring him big bottles of alcohol which was true because I didn't know he had an alcohol problem and trying to save some money since bigger bottles were cheaper, but once i figure out he would not stop drinking until it was done i stop bringing big bottle or even small bottles.  I don't really know when the drugs started be was in the bedroom a lot and we had different schedules. He was up at 3am and in bed by the time i got home at 8pm so sometimes we only passed each other except on the weekend.  Sometimes we did things and sometimes we just stay and watch TV tired from the week.  So again not sure when the drugs started but probably heavily when he started hanging out in the bathroom.  This is a first for me with alcohol and drugs, i had no idea the signs and what to do.  He had gotten angrier.  Sometimes he was okay but sometimes he was angry at everyone at work and that they were not treating him fairly.  I backed him because i know he was a hard worker and because he was showing anger toward me.  He was angry at the world and how it is all wrong but he didn't want to do anything except complain.  He had an issue with his hip and couldn't even walk a block without resting but after 1 or 2 visit to the doctor he stop going and just complained.  I learn to zone him out which was pretty wrong i see now.
So some of this is my fault.  So the reason i think he does have border personality disorder is because we can be talking and if i say something he doesn't like he flips.  He starts saying i am cheating on him, not respecting him, he start threathening me that he is going to destroy me and make me homeless and broke like him.  So when i finally got him out of my apartment with some more money.  I ended up putting him in a hotel for another month and he is in an airbnb for this month but the month is almost over.  He also insist that i am speaking to everyone about our life which i don't do, i say as little as possible because 1 it is embarrassing and 2 because i know everyone be like why don't you  leave him, plus no one want to continue hearing about the saga, its like make a choice and stick with it.  I want to help him because i know he has a mental issue (i have one too), he also has no one else and he is homeless and broke if he spent all the money i gave him.  But he wants me to see him everyday and talk to him when he's awake, he's still on drugs even though he say he only on enough to function, he doesn't sleep unless he so pissed off at me and take so much drugs to mess himself up and pass out.  We constantly argue because he knows how to press my buttons.  I try use DEEP and one time i was chanting it while he was going on and on. I was reading about wise mind. I am now at a loss. I'm not sure what love is.  I think i love him so much in the beginning, I am not sure how much i love him now, i know some times i hate him.  I know sometimes people say i have to love myself first and by letting him do these things to me i'm not.  I also don't know am i actually helping him staying and letting him treat me this way.  I try to set boundaries but he steps all over them and i don't know how to enforce it without cutting him out. I tried looking for a therapist but i call a few off my insurance and they either not taking new clients or waiting list for 6 month and then i get discourage.  My head his hurting and I cry everyday.  He say he went to a doctor and they want to give him some meds but he hasn't said he has gone back and i don't know if he actually has gone.  Hi hip stop hurting as long as he doesn't drink alcohol, at least we figured that one out. He said he wants his own therapy and be willing to go to couple therapy but then changes his minds or say that i won't tell the truth (his version of the truth) and only there to break up with him (like we are really together).  I told him i need a safe space to be able to say how i feel so maybe we can let it out and learn to communicate and listen to each other.  But everyday it gets a bit harder with the way he threatens me (when he left he took some of my paperwork personal and business and swears i hiding money) and say i'm cheating and that i had cause this. Also if i just give him his fair share of money he would leave me alone.  I don't have anymore money to give him and not going into my retirement funds and get hit by penalties to pay him any more. Of course there is a lot more to say and i'm sure i miss so much but i need some help advising should i stay or should i leave.  Sometimes i feel like just running away.  No contact. But what to do with my pets, my business my mom?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

It didn't start out like this.  He was a happy, kind, protective man.  4 years after being together he lost his job, started heavily drinking, started drugs (or just more).  He would hang out in the bathroom so that i could not see what he was doing.  He was not happy any more, arguing with others.  He was venting loudly one night in the bathroom and i just ignored him but it was so loud that my adult children living with us heard him venting about them which started a huge situation.  Both my children ended up moving out and i stay and believed he had an addiction problem it wasn't his fault.  He has no other family and only has 1 or 2 friends if they are still talking to him.  I moved out of the three bedroom apartment that we lived in, into a two bedroom apartment.  He was suppose to find his own place but with no money and no job I let him in the other bedroom.  He again was either in the bathroom or in the other bedroom doing something probably drugs.  He was complaining all the time about the world and about how his hip hurt but refuse to see a doctor or to do what they told him to do.  All he wanted was to get MRI and see what was wrong but doctors like to start we some PT and move on to that after (i thing it is for insurance purposes).  He said he would get a job and get his life together and find his own place.  After a year in that apartment I moved out again into a one bedroom apartment, but again with no where for him to go I let him stay in a large extra space.  He constantly was in the bathroom since there was no door to the other space.  Again saying he will find a job or if i give him some money he would move to a remote area find some land for the dogs and live there himself.   He had also taken my jewelry and pawn it, the first time i gave him money to get it back but he just pawn it again and i ended up having to go get it myself, I again said it was the drugs not him.  There were many conversation that i was not happy and i need my own space and he would say he would soon leave.  Anyway, this pass Feb near the end my mom had heart failure after her hospital stay she went to rehab.  I would try to visit her every other day if possible and my other siblings would visit other days. One day I came home and he went crazy accusing me of cheating, saying he is going to have his say and that i need to stop treating him badly and everything was my fault. At first I argue, but then i stop because I knew if i continue i could say something to really to make him go crazy and possible hurt me or himself.  I had paid to get some of his jewelry back from the pawn shop and it was in my safety deposit box and he said it was his and insisted i had to return it. It got to the point where i just wanted him gone so next day i went and got it and gave it to him.  He didn't leave. Then he wanted money and promise to leave.  I gave him some money and he used to pay off his drug dealers so that they would not come after me he said.  4 days later after the accusing me of cheating he was still in my face. I didn't want to leave because it was my apartment. But he was still in my face. I packed some things in a knapsack that i carry everyday and i was going to not come back but he insisted on us walking the dogs.  So we walked, i was behind him and he was yelling at me in the street that it was all my fault this was happening. I wasn't talking I was just walking behind trying to figure out my escape.  We finally came to a bench and i sat down and said i wasn't moving but I was holding one of the dogs.  He walked away with the other one and came back, he was still saying something at this point i don't even no what.  Finally he took the other dog and said he was going home and see me at home.  I let him get to as far as i couldn't see him and i walked as fast as i could to the second train station so that he couldn't catch me at the first.  He called me and i told him i wasn't coming back and he started screaming he coming down to look for me now.  Then i agreed to him i would come back but continued on a train.  He called my sister, called my brother in law which is the person he swear i'm having an affair with. He called my nephew to say  he should check on me.  I ended up calling my sister and went to her place.  I'm not sure if it was the first call or there was a second call but my sister ended up telling him I'm okay and that I'm not coming back tonight.  He continue trying to call me and i didn't answer.  My brother in-law called me and say whats going on and i said i left.  I didn't explain anything but that i was okay.  My brother in law called me back later on saying that he called him saying that we were having an affair.  I couldn't say anything but that he was loosing it.  My brother in law said ok as long as you are safe.  He ask me if he should talk to him and i said it up to him.  I stayed with my sister for about a month.  Eventually i talked to him because he had all the pets 2 dogs and 2 cats. I was worried about the pets.  So I was juggling work, visiting my mother, cleaning her apartment up for her return and talking to him.  He asked me for more money and that he would leave.  I was like i gave you and you didn't, he was like i owed him, i owed him for the 8 years we were together. For him putting up with my children and the way they were not always nice but neither was he.  But yes he was paying for some of the rent so my kids should not have as much to say since they were not. I look back now that it was a mistake trying to save money and all of us living together.  My kids did not have intentions to stay but had not yet figure there way out.  But if he would have actually talked to me and said that he wasn't happy instead of small remarks and staying in the bedroom then maybe i would have heard what he was trying to say.  But I worked more than full time I had my own business and i try to share everything with him, but now he say i was just buying him.  I truthfully thought he was happy the first 4 years.  Everyone and all family fights but I didn't see how unhappy he was.  He seemed very happy to tell me what gifts he wanted and how happy it made him and that he loved me. He looked happy with the cars, the motorcycle, jewelry, expensive clothes and vacations.  But then he said that my kids living there he felt like he was in prison in the bedroom.  Take it my kids were also in their bedroom. Everyone came out to the kitchen to get food.  Some stuff that bothered him was my daughter asking him not to eat certain food since she was saving it for lunch or herself.  She was from dorm life and i try to explain to her that everything in the fridge is shared, that we shared our food and she should share some of hers.  Then there was the smoking.  He smoke but she doesn't and I stop but it bother her and ask him not to smoke all through the house.  My son, yes another free loader went through a selling sneaker phase and had sneakers all over the living room.  Eventually he did move it but not at the speed that we wanted.  He use to tell me your kids always comes first.  I paid my kids portion of the rent because he had a very expensive life style and never saved money even though i told him too.  He was sometimes a very kind person, he would give people in the street money and food and help them out.  so sometimes he did have a very kind heart.  Back to us so he blames me for where we are today.  That my children basic kept him like a prisoner in his room because he felt he couldn't do this or that.  Which he said start his alcoholism.  One time he was so drunk he wanted to go out in the street and fight with people and my son went out and brought him back.  He said I use to bring him big bottles of alcohol which was true because I didn't know he had an alcohol problem and trying to save some money since bigger bottles were cheaper, but once i figure out he would not stop drinking until it was done i stop bringing big bottle or even small bottles.  I don't really know when the drugs started be was in the bedroom a lot and we had different schedules. He was up at 3am and in bed by the time i got home at 8pm so sometimes we only passed each other except on the weekend.  Sometimes we did things and sometimes we just stay and watch TV tired from the week.  So again not sure when the drugs started but probably heavily when he started hanging out in the bathroom.  This is a first for me with alcohol and drugs, i had no idea the signs and what to do.  He had gotten angrier.  Sometimes he was okay but sometimes he was angry at everyone at work and that they were not treating him fairly.  I backed him because i know he was a hard worker and because he was showing anger toward me.  He was angry at the world and how it is all wrong but he didn't want to do anything except complain.  He had an issue with his hip and couldn't even walk a block without resting but after 1 or 2 visit to the doctor he stop going and just complained.  I learn to zone him out which was pretty wrong i see now.
So some of this is my fault.  So the reason i think he does have border personality disorder is because we can be talking and if i say something he doesn't like he flips.  He starts saying i am cheating on him, not respecting him, he start threathening me that he is going to destroy me and make me homeless and broke like him.  So when i finally got him out of my apartment with some more money.  I ended up putting him in a hotel for another month and he is in an airbnb for this month but the month is almost over.  He also insist that i am speaking to everyone about our life which i don't do, i say as little as possible because 1 it is embarrassing and 2 because i know everyone be like why don't you  leave him, plus no one want to continue hearing about the saga, its like make a choice and stick with it.  I want to help him because i know he has a mental issue (i have one too), he also has no one else and he is homeless and broke if he spent all the money i gave him.  But he wants me to see him everyday and talk to him when he's awake, he's still on drugs even though he say he only on enough to function, he doesn't sleep unless he so pissed off at me and take so much drugs to mess himself up and pass out.  We constantly argue because he knows how to press my buttons.  I try use DEEP and one time i was chanting it while he was going on and on. I was reading about wise mind. I am now at a loss. I'm not sure what love is.  I think i love him so much in the beginning, I am not sure how much i love him now, i know some times i hate him.  I know sometimes people say i have to love myself first and by letting him do these things to me i'm not.  I also don't know am i actually helping him staying and letting him treat me this way.  I try to set boundaries but he steps all over them and i don't know how to enforce it without cutting him out. I tried looking for a therapist but i call a few off my insurance and they either not taking new clients or waiting list for 6 month and then i get discourage.  My head his hurting and I cry everyday.  He say he went to a doctor and they want to give him some meds but he hasn't said he has gone back and i don't know if he actually has gone.  Hi hip stop hurting as long as he doesn't drink alcohol, at least we figured that one out. He said he wants his own therapy and be willing to go to couple therapy but then changes his minds or say that i won't tell the truth (his version of the truth) and only there to break up with him (like we are really together).  I told him i need a safe space to be able to say how i feel so maybe we can let it out and learn to communicate and listen to each other.  But everyday it gets a bit harder with the way he threatens me (when he left he took some of my paperwork personal and business and swears i hiding money) and say i'm cheating and that i had cause this. Also if i just give him his fair share of money he would leave me alone.  I don't have anymore money to give him and not going into my retirement funds and get hit by penalties to pay him any more. Of course there is a lot more to say and i'm sure i miss so much but i need some help advising should i stay or should i leave.  Sometimes i feel like just running away.  No contact. But what to do with my pets, my business my mom?

AK, first welcome.  As I say to all new members...happy you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that led you to find to us. At least here you will find many people who will be welcoming, kind, knowledgeable, and will not judge you. Think of this resource as a family. We will have your back here and try to help point you in the right direction. So welcome to the FAM.

I am going to tag my team in on this as well. However, what do you want to do? What do you feel you should do? What do you hope to accomplish one way or the other? Just some food for thought to get you started. Please relax and calm yourself the best you can. You have to be kind to you and you have to take care of yourself.

Vent, ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you are willing so we can all help you efficiently.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve certainly got your hands full, caring for your mother, running a business, taking care of your pets, and trying to manage a partner with addictions.

When I read your post, I saw much concern about others, but really no indication of what you want, as S.C. has noted.

I can tell you’re very worried about him, and it seems that you have good cause to be. However, you’ve been propping him up with money and enabling bad behavior through your kindness.

He has no incentive to get sober or be accountable if you continue to accept his  irresponsibility and to try to *fix* the damage he causes to you.

Have you attended AlAnon? That might be a useful strategy to be around others  with similar issues and come to the acceptance that he is who he is, and you cannot fix him.

What keeps you in this relationship, other than fond memories from the beginning when he showed you the kindness that he was capable of then?

[GlennT]

You can't fix them. You can't control them. What you can do is stop  providing a place for their chemical addictions and relationship addictions. Remove him from your presence or property. Call the police. That is the only way. Been there done that. It is easy to do. Just do the right thing. They will not get the help they need if they do not hit bottom because you think you are helping. You are not helping . Just call the police, they will tell him to leave. Have them wait for him to leave. I've had to call the police quite a few times. Now, they no longer bother me. Just do it. Get a Restraining Order. It's free. Then, throw him in jail if he bothers you again. It is soo easy to do this. Go somewhere else. You will work out the other details in time, with help from those who have experience and simply start over.

[2020]

No doubt this is heartwrenching for you. This person really needs to go to a rehab for a year, maybe longer. He won’t get there until his options run out. I’m sorry to say this, but your help is prolonging this pain. I speak from experience. It appears that he has both mental health issues and addiction problems. A rehab will help him with this, but that is for him to figure out.

Years ago I watched my own brother go from running a successful business to being a junkie living in an abandoned building sh ing in a bowl. The last time I saw him before he got well, he was on the street sitting under a golf umbrella, begging. He looked like an old man. I hardly recognised him. He got in trouble with the police, and ended up in jail for a year. When he got out he went into a rehab. It wasn’t the first time, but he did get well. He now has a lovely partner and five children. He is a good guy.

The point I am making is he may get better, but you really need to step away. He needs to fix himself and he won’t if you keep cushioning him. I know this is hard but what you have tried thus far has not worked. He needs professional help. Let others look after him. You need to look after yourself.