Trying to find peace through the aftermath

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Im not exactly sure where to begin... .
I suppose with the here and now. I have been dealing with my relationship ending for a month now. Some days are easy. A lot of days I still feel pretty angry. I feel used. Like I let myself live a lie when I knew before hand that there were too many red flags. I'm hurt on a level thats almost beyond grief. I have my moments when all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. See how she is. Work things out and get back the relationship we had when the days were good, almost too good.
I know that the peace will come. I know that some day I will find someone who will love me and mean it when they say we have the rest of our lives to spend together. I find myself wishing all too often that she's who I want to fulfill those promises. I think I'm foolish for wanting that, thinking things could be different. I can't believe I put myself into the situation I did.
I could tell you some pretty amazing things about her. How I've seen her show love and compassion for people who are hurting and lost. Then I wonder if its all just an act.
The other side of the coin is all the reasons I know I shouldn't contact her. I let things slide that I shouldn't have. I got myself into some bad situations that don't equal the love that I was looking for. How I wasn't strong enough to not tolerate being disrespected and used to the point of emotional exhaustion.
The what ifs are wearing on me. The constant wondering how I could have done better. Wondering why wasn't I enough.
Sleep anymore is just a jump into nightmares. It would be easier just to skip it if my body didn't need the rest. Music doesn't even drown out the constant reel of everything that was and everything that wasn't. And although I have been finding my friends and reaching out for support, I still feel alone. Like I lost the part of me that gave me something that I can't even explain.
When do the waves stop crashing down so hard? When does this rain cloud go away?
When will the breakdown I haven't been able to muster the strength to let out finally become too much to carry?

[OrionLeonardo]

Im not exactly sure where to begin... .
I suppose with the here and now. I have been dealing with my relationship ending for a month now. Some days are easy. A lot of days I still feel pretty angry. I feel used. Like I let myself live a lie when I knew before hand that there were too many red flags. I'm hurt on a level thats almost beyond grief. I have my moments when all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. See how she is. Work things out and get back the relationship we had when the days were good, almost too good.
I know that the peace will come. I know that some day I will find someone who will love me and mean it when they say we have the rest of our lives to spend together. I find myself wishing all too often that she's who I want to fulfill those promises. I think I'm foolish for wanting that, thinking things could be different. I can't believe I put myself into the situation I did.
I could tell you some pretty amazing things about her. How I've seen her show love and compassion for people who are hurting and lost. Then I wonder if its all just an act.
The other side of the coin is all the reasons I know I shouldn't contact her. I let things slide that I shouldn't have. I got myself into some bad situations that don't equal the love that I was looking for. How I wasn't strong enough to not tolerate being disrespected and used to the point of emotional exhaustion.
The what ifs are wearing on me. The constant wondering how I could have done better. Wondering why wasn't I enough.
Sleep anymore is just a jump into nightmares. It would be easier just to skip it if my body didn't need the rest. Music doesn't even drown out the constant reel of everything that was and everything that wasn't. And although I have been finding my friends and reaching out for support, I still feel alone. Like I lost the part of me that gave me something that I can't even explain.
When do the waves stop crashing down so hard? When does this rain cloud go away?
When will the breakdown I haven't been able to muster the strength to let out finally become too much to carry?

[toughday]

Im not exactly sure where to begin... .
I suppose with the here and now. I have been dealing with my relationship ending for a month now. Some days are easy. A lot of days I still feel pretty angry. I feel used. Like I let myself live a lie when I knew before hand that there were too many red flags. I'm hurt on a level thats almost beyond grief. I have my moments when all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. See how she is. Work things out and get back the relationship we had when the days were good, almost too good.
I know that the peace will come. I know that some day I will find someone who will love me and mean it when they say we have the rest of our lives to spend together. I find myself wishing all too often that she's who I want to fulfill those promises. I think I'm foolish for wanting that, thinking things could be different. I can't believe I put myself into the situation I did.
I could tell you some pretty amazing things about her. How I've seen her show love and compassion for people who are hurting and lost. Then I wonder if its all just an act.
The other side of the coin is all the reasons I know I shouldn't contact her. I let things slide that I shouldn't have. I got myself into some bad situations that don't equal the love that I was looking for. How I wasn't strong enough to not tolerate being disrespected and used to the point of emotional exhaustion.
The what ifs are wearing on me. The constant wondering how I could have done better. Wondering why wasn't I enough.
Sleep anymore is just a jump into nightmares. It would be easier just to skip it if my body didn't need the rest. Music doesn't even drown out the constant reel of everything that was and everything that wasn't. And although I have been finding my friends and reaching out for support, I still feel alone. Like I lost the part of me that gave me something that I can't even explain.
When do the waves stop crashing down so hard? When does this rain cloud go away?
When will the breakdown I haven't been able to muster the strength to let out finally become too much to carry?

Hi Orion

You write beautifully and your words echo my own recent experience. I am 6 months into a break up although only 6 weeks no contact. Detaching is incredibly difficult and leaves us with so many conflicting emotions and questions that just seem to cycle through our minds endlessly. 1 month is very early in the detaching process and whilst it might sound shallow now things do get easier.

This is a great place full of love and support from some very experienced people who are a lot more knowledgable than myself, i just wanted to say you are not alone and i have been where you are now and things do improve.

Thingfs that have helped me were counselling and positive affirmations which really helped and exercise too.

Much love

Ollie

[spero]

Hi there OrionLeonardo, i join toughday in sending you greetings

Sorry that you're feeling so much lately, it must indeed be tough and the situation at hand must have caused you alot of grief.
Things seem to be bothering you a great deal that your sleep is being affected and its really okay not to know where to begin.
Were you able to get any sleep after sending this message?

And although I have been finding my friends and reaching out for support, I still feel alone. Like I lost the part of me that gave me something that I can't even explain.
When do the waves stop crashing down so hard? When does this rain cloud go away?
When will the breakdown I haven't been able to muster the strength to let out finally become too much to carry?

That fact that you're here posting and reaching out, Orion is already a step of courage you've mustered. I'd to affirm you that you're not alone in this.
Right now this is where you are, and its alright. Take heart, and when you're ready to share about what happened, i believe this community would perhaps be a place you could relate your recent experiences.

Yours,
Spero

[OrionLeonardo]

Thank you Ollie and Spero.

I got a little bit of sleep that night. I have been doing counseling. It's never really long enough but I'm learning to cope in little ways. I know in time things will get better and I will heal. I know it seems like its far away now. I'm sure when I look back it will seem like a blink of an eye. Until then its dealing with the random ups and downs of the healing process. I have some ok moments. I have good moments.

As far as sharing the story, I'm not there yet. It feels like its still happening some days. With the replays and what if's its hard not to get overwhelmed.

I think missing who I thought I was with and the life I thought we were going to have is the hardest. It's why I stayed and dealt with a lot that I know now only fueled the flame.

I'm coming to terms with this being a learning experience.

Thank you again for reaching back out and assuring me I'm not alone. Its like light when I feel consumed by darkness.

[SerendipityChild]

When do the waves stop crashing down so hard? When does this rain cloud go away?
When will the breakdown I haven't been able to muster the strength to let out finally become too much to carry?

Hello OL... I was on the exact situation as you are now 3 weeks ago. So desperate to find someone to talk to who can actually relate. The overwhelming support I received here truly helped. I am less depressed and now actually am starting to get back to my normal self. Of course the thoughts of my ex are still there but I can deal with them a lot better now. Welcome and keep writing.

[Wakemeup]

Hello OL,

Just wanted to say I've been exactly where you are and with time it really does get so much better. The first few months are admittedly very difficult but you will gradually begin to come to terms with everything that has happened and move on from the devastation.

I never imagined at 3 months out that I would feeling as well as I do, considering the state I was in after my BPDex and I parted ways. That's not to say it has been an easy road but if you remain committed and focused on your own healing, I guarantee you will come out of this stronger on the other side.

The best advice I can give you right now is to maintain NC and seek therapy to help you better understand your own role in the relationship and any trauma you may have suffered because of it. You will get through this.

[OrionLeonardo]

The best advice I can give you right now is to maintain NC and seek therapy to help you better understand your own role in the relationship and any trauma you may have suffered because of it. You will get through this.

The NC has been so hard. I know it wasn't healthy. Logically I can process how messed up everything got. It's this damn broken heart that isn't ready.

I have been working with a professional to process my part. The whys of falling for things I knew in the bad of my head were too good to be true or red flags. Things in me that made me ignore what I shouldn't have. Digging up some things that have been buried and processing through them. I feel like a lot that has happened was due to a lack of mental toughness on my part which hasn't been fun admitting. I know enough about breaking addictions to know that admitting is the first step. I am just ready for things to feel a little easier. I know I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be great. Just looking for a little break between the downs.

I am grateful I found this group. I feel so much of what other people have posted. I hope some day I can be as great of a support as I have been finding.

Thank you Serendipitychild and Wakemeup for the words of encouragement.

[Wakemeup]

Hey OL,

It's great to hear that you are seeking professional help and finding it beneficial. In regards to NC, it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And almost every day I still get a fleeting urge to contact my ex but I have always been able to just let it pass. I do think my situation is a bit different than most because I left the relationship due to her physically assaulting me after I discovered she had been cheating. Then because of domestic assault charges being filed against her, she was placed under a NC order, which left only me, and my own personal resolve to move on from someone who didn't value me or the love I gave her. I still miss her and the life we shared but there is no way I will ever let her back into my world. I deserve so much better and you do to. Just take it one day at a time.

[OrionLeonardo]

I still miss her and the life we shared but there is no way I will ever let her back into my world. I deserve so much better and you do to. Just take it one day at a time.

Indeed. One day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I resisted the urge to contact her and I'm feeling pretty good about that. Your message hit me hard and this very thing is what I just had a conversation with my mother about. I miss my ex but I know better now. Even with as sad as I get sometimes without her, I know the turmoil of having her in my life was not worth losing myself over. So back to the single life, more time to focus on what I need in my life. Thank you for your words of encouragement

[LovingDad]

Hi Orion,

Just as everyone here, I also can relate to your feelings. Right now, I'm sort of in the samen situation as you are. In 2016 I asked my girlfriend to marry me. At that point she was amazing. Last year on May 24th we got marriad. Just before the marraige she really started to change. Everyone from my side of our social environment became bad and should be out of our lives. Even my parents. The grandparents of my son. This was for my not acceptable. After that she became very aggresive verbaly.

Long story, short. Right now I'm in a devorce en las weekend I had my son with me. Which was great, but on the other hand. These are also the times I really miss my wife. At least the way she was, when I asked her to marry me. It is dificult to cope with it, but therapy for me helps. Also the people her help my. I'm still getting beter in communicating with my stbEx and that makes the verbal aggresion less hurtfull. She backs off more often and I don't give her the tools she can use to hurt me.

I'm afraid my awesome grilfriend of 2016, will not come back anymore. Everyday I'm trying to handle with that. One day, goes better than the other. But when time goes by, I starting to feel better and start thinking more and more about the futher. Where I can be happy again. I feel really sorry for my stbEx, because she probably will never be really happy. I hope she will be happy one day, but now I have to focus on me and my son. So that is my advice to you. Focus completly on yourself. Stay strong. Things will go better.

Greetings,

LovingDad

[SamwizeGamgee]

Orion - if you can keep putting your feelings into writing like you have been, I think you are on a path of self awareness and healing. 
Peace, and acceptance will come.  These things take time.  I got into reading a lot of Buddhist psychology to help me cope with the pain of gradually waking up to the facts that I was suffering in my marriage.  I'm in a very different place than you are, no doubt.  But, I will say that by letting yourself _really_ feel, and then express your feelings, you will heal.
Keep going. 
As the song says, when you hit rock bottom, there's only two ways to go, straight up, or side to side.

[OrionLeonardo]

Orion - if you can keep putting your feelings into writing like you have been, I think you are on a path of self awareness and healing. 
Peace, and acceptance will come.  These things take time.  I got into reading a lot of Buddhist psychology to help me cope with the pain of gradually waking up to the facts that I was suffering in my marriage.  I'm in a very different place than you are, no doubt.  But, I will say that by letting yourself _really_ feel, and then express your feelings, you will heal.
Keep going. 
As the song says, when you hit rock bottom, there's only two ways to go, straight up, or side to side.

I actually was practicing Buddhism before I got with my now ex and have found that I am being called back to it now. I think that what I enjoy about it is looking within ones self. At this point I have been exploring many different coping strategies. Counseling, meditation, reading up on psychology and getting involved here. What a tremendous gift it is to have such resources.

At that point she was amazing.

After that she became very aggresive verbaly.

These are also the times I really miss my wife. At least the way she was, when I asked her to marry me. It is dificult to cope with it, but therapy for me helps.

I'm afraid my awesome grilfriend of 2016, will not come back anymore. Everyday I'm trying to handle with that. One day, goes better than the other. But when time goes by, I starting to feel better and start thinking more and more about the futher. Where I can be happy again. I feel really sorry for my stbEx, because she probably will never be really happy. I hope she will be happy one day, but now I have to focus on me and my son. So that is my advice to you. Focus completly on yourself. Stay strong. Things will go better.

Greetings,

LovingDad

That is wonderful you got to spend time with your son.

Yes. I can relate to all of this.

My honest hope is that once I get through the recovery process I will find a healthy happy relationship. And I want her to find that too.

Thank you for the love and support

[Clever Name]

Orion,

I have deep empathy for you. I slept with the lights on for about half a year just because I hated waking up in the dark and couldn't sleep more than a few hours.

One aspect of this that has really been good for me is finding self awareness in therapy. It's been slower pace than I'd like sometimes, but it's really helped me realize that my ex exhibited some really crummy behavior towards me. In turn, that's helped suppress the desire to contact her. It's also helped me realize the person I fell in love with isn't coming back, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I rolled my eyes when some people suggested meditating to me. As I have slowly embraced it, I find it is really restorative of my resiliency.

I think finding friends helps too. I saw the most friends I've seen in a long time last week, and this is closest to "normal" I've felt in a long time.

[SerendipityChild]

The NC has been so hard. I know it wasn't healthy. Logically I can process how messed up everything got. It's this damn broken heart that isn't ready.
I am grateful I found this group. I feel so much of what other people have posted. I hope some day I can be as great of a support as I have been finding.

Thank you Serendipitychild and Wakemeup for the words of encouragement.

I totally relate OrionLeonardo... .the NC totally sucks. As days go by you will find that it gets easier. Keeping myself busy helped a lot. Work and my children are my focus. And I have started working out which was a big plus- beneficial mentally and physically. Almost 3 months of NC with my ex now and it gets a little better. Writing here does help. Or merely just reading the posts of everyone here experiencing almost exactly what you are feeling now. It is always good to have tools to help you cope, too, so perhaps you can revert to practicing Buddhism. Wishing you well... .

[SamwizeGamgee]

Aside, living with my uBPDw has turned me into a ultra-runner Buddhist.  I've looked to both to cope and compensate for all the damage I'd go through otherwise. 
Reading and posting here helps immensely too.  Not being alone, and having those who really "get it" matters.
We have to find what tools work ;)

[OrionLeonardo]

Orion,

I have deep empathy for you. I slept with the lights on for about half a year just because I hated waking up in the dark and couldn't sleep more than a few hours.

One aspect of this that has really been good for me is finding self awareness in therapy. It's been slower pace than I'd like sometimes, but it's really helped me realize that my ex exhibited some really crummy behavior towards me. In turn, that's helped suppress the desire to contact her. It's also helped me realize the person I fell in love with isn't coming back, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

I rolled my eyes when some people suggested meditating to me. As I have slowly embraced it, I find it is really restorative of my resiliency.

I think finding friends helps too. I saw the most friends I've seen in a long time last week, and this is closest to "normal" I've felt in a long time.

I can relate. Meditating for me has been tricky but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. Having my friends around helps sometimes. I do still have my moments when being a hermit sounds like the best thing. I've actually been having a pretty decent week. Not completely uninterupted with thoughts of her but they are becoming less often. Truly grateful for all the outlets I have found. This especially has been great because of the common ground we share. Although these relationships are hard I think all of us will learn valuable things through them.

I totally relate OrionLeonardo... .the NC totally sucks. As days go by you will find that it gets easier. Keeping myself busy helped a lot. Work and my children are my focus. And I have started working out which was a big plus- beneficial mentally and physically. Almost 3 months of NC with my ex now and it gets a little better. Writing here does help. Or merely just reading the posts of everyone here experiencing almost exactly what you are feeling now. It is always good to have tools to help you cope, too, so perhaps you can revert to practicing Buddhism. Wishing you well... .

Thank you SerendipityChild. I always enjoy your insight. I truly am grateful for the opportunities I have been having and the sense of freedom this has brought me. I have been focusing a lot on work and getting back in touch with my Buddhist friends. Working out is in the plan I just have been finding trouble with the motivation. I'm hopeful that this stage of coming down from a lot of stress from some aftershock won't last too long. For now sleep has been coming a little easier so I've been enjoying actually getting some. I also looked into Reiki in hopes that will help. I'm so empathic it's slightly ridiculous and am hoping through all different aspects I can find a way to become better about dealing with the energy aspect of life. I hope all is well with you too. Stay strong and never give up

Namaste 

[Harley Quinn]

I do still have my moments when being a hermit sounds like the best thing.

Hi OL,

That's not necessarily a bad thing.  Taking time to simply be with yourself and do what your instinct tells you to do for yourself is absolutely fine.  The thing to be aware of is whether the urge to be alone is driven by depression or by a need for restoration, rest, peace and space to think about what you want in life.  There is a big difference between the two.  How are things going?  Have you fully worked through your grief?  (See Lessons for elaboration on the 5 stages)

Love and light x   

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi OL,

That's not necessarily a bad thing.  Taking time to simply be with yourself and do what your instinct tells you to do for yourself is absolutely fine.  The thing to be aware of is whether the urge to be alone is driven by depression or by a need for restoration, rest, peace and space to think about what you want in life.  There is a big difference between the two.  How are things going?  Have you fully worked through your grief?  (See Lessons for elaboration on the 5 stages)

Love and light x   

Hey Harley,

In the beginning it was much more depression. A lot of that is the small community I live in making it very difficult not to see her or our friends. Some of it was she kept showing up at where I moved to and then filed a protection order against me. My counselor saw me the day after I got served with that and said I was in shock. I saw my counselor once a week for a while. I have started pulling out of the depression part even though some days it still hits me. I started getting my life back on track and doing some things for me that I had been putting off. For a while it was just go go go and keep myself busy. This weekend I am taking off from the running around for some much needed R&R. I'm worn out from running so much and not as depressed as I was. I still have my moments. They are getting easier to work through. I maintain a pretty good schedule with my counselor which helps. The shift in conversation started to happen. Much less of feeling like my ex was right and I'm some monster. Now it's working through what I, myself, need to work through to become mentally stronger and not ignore red flags for future relationships. Most days I know I'm no where near ready for dating again. I'm pretty terrified that I will go through that all over again. When I'm having those nights of missing her and wishing she was next to me still I try to meditate. I'm starting to accept that it wasn't a bad thing to love her even though it wasn't a good thing to be together. The no contact is saddening sometimes. I maintain it even when I don't feel like it. It wouldn't do any good to talk to her.

On a positive note, I slept in today. I woke up to the smell of the rain from last night which was refreshing. Going to bebop around the house today, turn on some tunes and reassess some things in my life. Refocus, redirect. Everything is going to be all right.

Thank you for checking on me. I aprreciate it more that I can express in words.

 

[MeAndPeppa]

Hi OL

Similar feelings and scenario here as well. I found your point of view in this thread to be very helpful. I find myself wondering when I will start to feel better. NC has been very helpful in giving me the much needed time and space to reflect and restore.

I’m miles away from where I was in the beginning in terms of depression and thoughts about my uexBPDgf. that makes me happy and has been a boost to my self esteem.

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi OL

Similar feelings and scenario here as well. I found your point of view in this thread to be very helpful. I find myself wondering when I will start to feel better. NC has been very helpful in giving me the much needed time and space to reflect and restore.

I’m miles away from where I was in the beginning in terms of depression and thoughts about my uexBPDgf. that makes me happy and has been a boost to my self esteem.

Thanks MeandPeppa,

I have my moments when I can see that I have come a ways from where I was almost three months ago. Starting to get control of my life back in little ways, doing things I had put off because of hyperfocusing on her. Even re-reading this post, I can see the leaps and bounds I've made.

Thank you for your support and congratulations on coming the miles you have through your journey