Not sure what to do...

[jess2b]

Hello folks,

I am so grateful to have foud this website and forum... .

I have never used a forum before and so please bare with me... .

I am married to a man with what I believe to be BPD or definietly expresses many of the traits and much that i have read in the articles here is ringing very familar bells.

Things have go incredibly complicated, I'm not sure if I can summarise but I will try.

- We were best friends for 2 years before we got together, he did an awful lot of chasing to get me

- We were together for a year, got pregnant with our now 8 year olds twins and have been married for 9 years.

- Things have been a rollercoaster, he at times has been very angry and desticutive, at others times very depressed and often unkind. The rest of the time he is my best friend, I love him dearly and can also see the damage that occurs.

- In April this year I thought we mutually ended our marriage and became separated, though we remained living together as a tight knit family. Only recently have I found out he did not want to end it and it rocked him to the core.

- In September 2 things happened, I realised I was still massively in love with him, and a woman 10 years younger than me started sniffing around.

- We started sleeping togther again and got very close to getting back together, we were communicating very well and everything seemed to be going in the right direction

- At the same time my instincts were screaming at me about this other girl.

- I also got pregnant and lost it very early on - only a few weeks in.

- He then did something so massively out of character and slept with the other girl, he then came home after a few days away and slept with me again, and then went off to visit friends and slept with her again

- I knew in my bones that this was happening but was so convinced of his loyalty I thought I was going mad, I started seeing a therapist to deal with my trust issues.

- He came home with the big confession and expected to not see me or the kids for a long while.

- I surprised us both and after a few days said that I could come back from this, that I could see a madness / mania in his behaviour anf that is was so far out of his normal behaviour - it was not what he had done, but what he did from now on.

- He needed time to figure it all out - we both thought it would take months, he decided after a few days that he wanted me, only me and only ever had wanted me.

- We had a very passionate week with lots of communication and declarations, I started to feel him pulling away though and he was about to go away working for a month (november) - he does that every year.

- When he left we were together... .a few days of being away and he got back in contact with her. I sensed it and confronted him. He admited it straight away and I did not talk to him for a few days, in that time he was in regular and depp contact with her but only over the phone as they were at opposite ends of the country.

- I got in touch, found this out and set him 'free' - I felt he had to go and explore this complusive behaviour. I wished with all my heart that he wouldnt.

- The month progressed that he spoke to her for hours every day and I only contacted him so he could speak to the children etc.

- He felt he was falling in love with her.

- He finished his work and went straight to see her, despite not seeing his children (with whom he is very very close) - he was with er for 2 nights and then we all went to visit his family together as a family for 4- but me knowing he had been to her and trying to accept it was over.

- Within a couple of days he was telling me how much he loved me, how much he wanted me etc. I was desparate to hear this I think and we again had a passionate week and a really lovely family time.

- He came home as had been planned for a week and after a wobble, contnued to sleep with me and have a very lovely family time.

- He also maintained his contact with her - but in the open and made plans to go away with her for a 'little holiday' they should have left today.

- He remained sleeping with me and I told him it was inappropriate to go away with her, not fair on me and not OK,

- He refused to budge an inch from the course he had set himself, anything I said or did made him more stuck on his plans.

- I told him very clearly I could take no more, I had hit my limit and he needed to tell her to not go (he needed to go as he was doing an arrand at the same time). He refused.

- So I went out with my friends last night, as planned and slept over at a friends, as planned. I also had enough stuff with me for a few days and early this morning drove away - my friend knew what I was doing.

- He was supposed to catch a train today to meet her and I deliberatly left him with the kids and the farm while I went awol, he missed his train and is now at home.

- He is understandably angry.

- I have faith in him being a great dad but I am of course unsettled at doing this to the children. I have faith in him and them and the very strong foundations we have set with them that they will be OK.

- I have gone to my favourite valley in the country and found a luxury spa hotel - I have had a massage and been to the spa and eating a lovely meal.

- I feel I have gone about it in not the best way, but I am doing this for self preservation. I have not slept properly for months and been hurt beyond belief.

- There is a chance I am pregnant again

- Despite all this I still love him and can see how much he loves me in all this.

I feel like I could really do with some advice from folks who have some experience of this or can look with your experiences and see if there are any wise words, etc... .

Thank you all so much for reading such a long post!

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[fromheeltoheal]

Hey jess-

Wow, lots of drama there, that must have been and still is very painful to live through.

- I have gone to my favourite valley in the country and found a luxury spa hotel - I have had a massage and been to the spa and eating a lovely meal.

Good for you!  It's important to take care of ourselves, especially when challenges and stress show up in our lives.

Honestly I don't see a lot of traits of borderline personality disorder in your description, I see a man who has been unfaithful to his wife.  Are there other behaviors he exhibits that led you here and may indicate he is suffering from the disorder?

[Turkish]

Hi jess2b,

I'm also glad that you have found some space to take care of yourself. This is a lot of stress and feelngs are going back and forth on both sides. It's hard to define a path here,.especially if you two still love each other, aside from what he did or is doing. Though a lot is going on, what do you feel is your ultimate goal? I hear that you want him back. If this is true, what are your boundaries here?

Turkish

[Skip]

- In April this year I thought we mutually ended our marriage and became separated, though we remained living together as a tight knit family. Only recently have I found out he did not want to end it and it rocked him to the core.

- In September 2 things happened, I realised I was still massively in love with him, and a woman 10 years younger than me started sniffing around.

- We started sleeping togther again and got very close to getting back together, we were communicating very well and everything seemed to be going in the right direction

- At the same time my instincts were screaming at me about this other girl.

- I also got pregnant and lost it very early on - only a few weeks in.

- He then did something so massively out of character and slept with the other girl, he then came home after a few days away and slept with me again, and then went off to visit friends and slept with her again

- I knew in my bones that this was happening but was so convinced of his loyalty I thought I was going mad, I started seeing a therapist to deal with my trust issues.

- He came home with the big confession and expected to not see me or the kids for a long while.

- I surprised us both and after a few days said that I could come back from this, that I could see a madness / mania in his behavior and that is was so far out of his normal behavior - it was not what he had done, but what he did from now on.

- Despite all this I still love him and can see how much he loves me in all this.

I feel like I could really do with some advice from folks who have some experience of this or can look with your experiences and see if there are any wise words, etc...  

What was said during the "confession"? What is he telling you?

How did you explain going AWOL?  Did you say you just needed to get some self-care? How did he react to it all?

[MapleBob]

My suspicion here is that he's likely contemplating his choice between "family/stability/working on relationship" and "guilt/freedom/working on having a new life". That's fairly common in middle-marriage, I would say. My vague feeling is that you need to stand back and let him make his choice, and to attempt to be the more attractive option while still holding whatever boundaries with him that you need to protect yourself (ie. you can't sleep with her AND me, if you're sleeping with her INSTEAD of me I don't want to hear about it, etc.).