Withholding of love and mood swings

[Amarilla]

Hi, I have been unable to enter this but I also have strong elements of BPD, and a counsellor I used to go to confirmed this. I am not psychotic. I have no bipolar/paranoid traits. My problem would be best described as an abandonment syndrome. I am terrified of Living alone and I don’t like being alone. I need to be with connected people and I deeply need a partner - not just any partner but one that I love and feel at home with. I was married for about 40 yrs & my counsellor told me I had to get out of this abusive relationship as it was sadomasochistic (not sexually). She said he perpetrated and I put up with it. He used me to earn the money and resented me for being capable of doing so. Despite his awful treatment of me - gas lighting etc., I couldn’t leave and was devastated when he left just as I was selling my business and would never earn more. My husband and circumstances have turned 3 of my 4 children away from me and the 4th lives the other side of the world. she is the only one who understands me.

I managed on my own for 18 months by employing someone to help with the huge amount of post business clearing up. She gives me company. I was out or entertaining every evening - exhausting. I met a man who adored me & made me feel very at home from the start. He was slow & respectful in his courtship and I fell deeply in love with him a year ago.

Very soon, he displayed Hyde: he went into a nasty mood because of something innocent I said about a man and wife he was talking about. (I recognised this Hyde mode because my husband had a tendency to have mood swings). I could not pull out because I was hooked. I learned to help minimise him turning into Hyde by avoiding criticism & I noticed that he’s more likely to become Hyde when he’s tired or stressed. He can sulk for days, which I can’t bear so I will try very hard to avoid that, which often makes me feel controlled. He gets into a mild Hyde mode quite often & he becomes critical of me. I try to absorb the criticisms to avoid answering back, which will lead to full blown Hyde and possibly sulking for days.

Once, after putting up with his criticisms, I felt that by just saying nothing I was being a doormat so I told him it was not ok, he went rigid and I put my arms around him from behind and said ‘but I put up with it because you are so worth it.’ He relaxed and we avoided a big todo. I told him that I avoid criticising him as I can see he is very averse to criticism & he agreed that I rarely criticise. I said I’d had to tell him his criticisms were unwarranted otherwise I would be taking it like a doormat. He didn’t say much but I think he accepted that. It was then ok.

I bottle up resentments because I don’t want to  complain and cause him to be angry then sulk for ages. The trouble is that I drink too much alcohol (it’s been an increasing problem in the last years of my marriage and then when the ex abandoned me). After drinking, at times I fly into a rage & deluge him with pent up criticisms. This causes untold damage and can take days to mend.

Jekyll is wonderful. He can’t do enough for me. Unlike my lazy husband and despite his age, he is a true force of nature, working for hours and achieving an amazing amount. He works full time normally but has been on furlough through lockdown and is helping me clear and sort 40 years of neglect in my home, which my husband should have been dealing with ongoing while I worked long hours building the business. Jekyll is charming and lovely.

We spent lockdown together and he has moved in. He is transforming my house to be tidy and beautiful. He is very generous financially even though I’m better off than him because he doesn’t want me to think he’s here for my money. It’s very doubtful indeed that he’s after my money.

I loved lockdown despite being afraid of Hyde being round the corner because Jekyll (J) is devoted to me. He needs me as much as I need him and spends all his time with me. He’s now working a few hours and, because of recent problems, I’m trying to spend more time with others. It is important for the health of the relationship. I had no friends outside of work in my marriage and I was totally lost when my husband left. I need to keep up my friendships. We usually socialise together though.

The problem that has emerged gradually is that I now realise that he is withholding love and affection. Several months ago, I pointed out to him that he had stopped telling me he loved me and that words matter to me. It caused a minor fracas. Two days later, he pointedly told me he loves me. I was very pleased but he doesn’t say it often. He’s VERY averse to being told what to do, so I’ve let it go.

He us very affectionate and, until recently, we had a very active sex life, which was amazing for me after years of no sex and a 40 years of little affection from my husband. J knows kissing is very important to me but, several months ago, he stopped kissing me in the mornings (when we’re much more likely to make love than in the evenings). He says he has morning breath. He says my mouth is ok though. I said I neither smell nor taste anything bad and please kiss me, but he won’t. I have asked him to clean his teeth. He refuses, saying it will spoil by he taste of his coffee he drinks in bed in the am. He won’t clean them after either. I clean mine for him but it makes no difference.

About 3 months ago, we were steamed up after caressing each other for about an hour. I asked him if he would turn towards me more (so we could get on with it) and he said ‘no I’m going to get up and make our coffee!’. That was when I first suspected that he deliberately withholds love. I was very cross and this caused a major upset that lasted for days. He nearly did that again a few weeks later but seemed to realise and check himself when I said something.

Since then, very recently, I’ve noticed withdrawal of kissing in the evening and in bed at night. He gets angry if I push for a kiss. nearly 2 weeks ago, we spent over an hour caressing in bed in the am then, at the crucial point, he said he was getting up and we needed to start the day. There was nothing urgent that needed doing and we were having a couple of days away in a hotel. I was very upset but, having told him so, I noted he kept saying he had done nothing wrong. We sort of got over it and I absorbed it to avoid spoiling the day. The next day we got up early for some reason, and in the evening he was caressing me but got angry and refused me when I asked for a kiss. I got angry and slept elsewhere.

There has been a withdrawn atmosphere and I’ve slept elsewhere most of the time since. Unfortunately, we just got on a better footing and it’s all gone wrong again. on Saturday night i got into bed with him to watch our only tv till late and he then put his arm round me and I stayed but we didn’t make love as it was late and he had to get up for work the next day.
Yesterday, I drank far too much and got angry and made a scene. I don’t know why I was angry, I can’t remember. I have taken full responsibility this morning and apologised. He is angry and sulking but denies angrily (shouting)that he is angry. . When he went to work I told him I hope he will come back in a better mood as this is no life.

I know I must cut my drinking. It’s hard though. He drinks nearly as often as me and to excess but not usually as much as me, I have read about this withholding of love and told him he is doing it. I’ve even told him that I gather that it is compulsive and therefore not his fault. He is in denial and telling him all this did no good.

I love J very Much.i know that he is just like my very difficult mother. I want to know how to deal with all these difficulties. Please help me. I haven’t had good experiences with many of the counsellors I’ve had and I know he won’t come with me. Please, please help me, thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i think that we all bring aspects of ourselves to the relationship that dont necessarily make things better. not things that make us a bad person, but things that contribute to the conflict in our relationship. recognizing them is vital.

there are a lot of "dos and donts" when it comes to a relationship with someone with bpd traits. they arent intuitive, none of us were born with these skills.

this article on what it takes is a great place to start: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

as for withholding love, there tend to be explanations that arent necessarily obvious.

while i cant be sure, what you describe does offer some clues, and its possible that for whatever reason, your partner is having some difficulty performing. its not uncommon for a man to deal with this through avoidance of intimacy, and its not uncommon for a woman to perceive this as rejection of her.

when men are having difficulty performing, and they perceive pressure to do so, its like kryptonite.

it could be that he avoids kissing in the morning because he knows what it might lead to. that also might explain that when you asked him to turn toward you, so you could get on with it, why he got up to make coffee instead.

as for why hes doing it, its hard to say. it could be erectile problems. it could be feelings of pressure. it could be that he prefers to initiate. it could be that he has some fears or avoidance of intimacy. it could be resentment in the relationship. it could be a phase. it could be any of those things, it could be a combination of any of those things, and it could also be other things.

the key to resolving it, if possible, is communication. communication that doesnt accuse or pressure, but gives space and builds trust. all couples have to work at this, to listen, to understand each others needs, what makes the other tick, and how to work together in harmony.

in other words, dont assume the reasons hes withholding love, and dont accuse him of doing so. that just puts him in a defensive posture, and leaves both of you with resentment. instead, open the door to honest and frank conversation (more likely a series of them over time) and start by primarily listening.

this is a quick read, and a three minute lesson on ending conflict, and a great start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict