Let the soul-less BPDs crash into the wall alone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Let the soul-less BPDs that have dated crash into the wall alone. Im not gonna help no replacement and less my ex. They will crash til their last day on earth.
Let them do what they do best. DESTROY AND RUN.

[FJM]

Let the soul-less BPDs that have dated crash into the wall alone. Im not gonna help no replacement and less my ex. They will crash til their last day on earth.
Let them do what they do best. DESTROY AND RUN.

[Bnonymous]

Let the soul-less BPDs that have dated crash into the wall alone. Im not gonna help no replacement and less my ex. They will crash til their last day on earth.
Let them do what they do best. DESTROY AND RUN.

I think each of has to handle the pain in the way that's best for them. Anger doesn't work for me - if I held on to anger, I wouldn't be able to let go of pain. For other people, anger can help fight the pain. We all deal with it in our own ways.

It sounds like you've been very badly hurt by your pwBPD?

[FJM]

Well i replied in your thread and it looks like ive done a mess.
Did she do me wrong? Absolutely, but its no anger. Is letting go. Do i want to be in the first row seat when she crashes? Absolutely too.
Is like tony bennets "i wanna be around" lyrics. Is not anger is just "ok, now i wanna see the show through the other side" and we all know how it ends.

[Sandb2015]

Hi FJM and Bnonymous ,

Anger is good if you don't get stuck there, it has to be utilized as a stepping stone to something positive in my opinion.  I forgive easy, true forgiveness in my heart to be whole after, that's just me, not just in a rs, probably everything.

FJM, I don't think you'll get the satisfaction you desire, by keeping tabs on whats going on, you are TORTURING yourself, give yourself a break.

PWBPD in varying degrees of the disorder stay in that disorder, she didn't just find a nook that suits her and she's good now, that's not how it goes as we know here.

Next, next, next...or you hear someone that had a marriage or rs with someone 10+ years and same thing.

Focus on you, there's nothing to focus over there but your own pain and anger.

People get stimulated by watching car crashes for different reasons, but nobody wants to be in one.

[Bnonymous]

Anger is good if you don't get stuck there, it has to be utilized as a stepping stone to something positive in my opinion.  I forgive easy, true forgiveness in my heart to be whole after, that's just me, not just in a rs, probably everything.

Yes, I agree with all of that. As I said in one of my threads, if anything, I don't get angry often enough. But I would never want to stay angry.

Have you heard of thumos/thymos? It's an Ancient Greek concept, which doesn't translate well, but I find really useful. The closest word we have is maybe "self-assertion". There are, I think, two vastly different types of anger. One is unhealthy. The other is healthy. The healthy anger is thumos anger. It is an anger that concerns itself with survival, particularly survival of the psyche. It is the part of us that rises up and says "NO". The part of us that desires better and believes we are worth better. It is concerned with survival and advancement.

(I could write essays on this. Hell, I literally have written essays on this! But, here, I'm trying to keep it brief.)

That kind of anger can be helpful in getting ourselves out of bad situations and in helping ourselves move forward.

But there is another kind of anger, an anger that isn't very healthy, particularly in the longer-term. Anger that involves hate and/or bitterness is a hard thing to live with; it can be toxic to us. Letting go of that kind of anger can be very liberating.

Do i want to be in the first row seat when she crashes? Absolutely too.

Can you explain more about this? What do you think you will feel if/when this happens?

[Skip]

Generalized anger is not healthy.

Focus your anger... on her (not the broader world)... and on the what.

What are you angry about. Lay it down.

[FJM]

Well the splitting came immediately after she started with the replacement, which was less than a week before the breakup.
Until then we brokeup in good terms and she told me all the nice things ive done for her. Then when the replacement came in i became an abuser, manipulator and a narcisist (all things that she done to me projected on my image) and shes still talking s*it about me.
My T says that im a redeemer not a caretaker, that im in denial that i failed in making her life better, which sounds accurate to me. He says that i want her to crash just to feel the "nobody in the world is gonna save you cause youre mentally ill"

[Skip]

My T says:

that im a redeemer not a caretaker, that im in denial that i failed in making her life better, that i want her to crash just to feel the "nobody in the world is gonna save you cause youre mentally ill"

It's good that you are working with a therapists.  But to my original question, what upsets yu most about what happened? Being painted black? The new boyfriend?

[zachira]

I hear your anger and resentment about how your past relationship with a woman with BPD affects you, and how you know that things will end similarly in her new relationship. Somehow, we keep hoping by getting additional feedback, like thinking about others similar experiences with the person with BPD, that we will feel validated and move on. For many people, continued contact with a BPD, whether direct or indirect and/or continuing to think about the person with BPD even though we are no contact, are destructive ways that we use to hope we will feel better at some point. I have been interacting with a man for several months who I now realize has BPD, in addition to my family members with BPD/NPD. It is hard work to heal from all the cumulative hurt and anger yet it is possible to feel better with time if we examine our part in starting and maintaining relationships that hurt us, whether through some kind of contact and/or constantly thinking about how badly they make us feel.