I haven't seen my BPD ex-boyfriend since they closed the borders between the US and Canada on March 17th 2020.
I knew the day that I was leaving that it would be the last time I saw him for a very long time. I felt it in my core.
And I had some sense of acceptance. Despite everything that I struggled with over the last seven years. There are parts of me that are healthy.
7 years passed September 2020.
Obviously there was no sense of acceptance for him. There was only abandonment and pain.
Over the last 11 months I've been working on myself. Missing him. And probably in denial about the relationship.
Every conversation turned into garbage and him shutting down. telling me that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. That he misses me. But because I haven't been there physically it's been very difficult.
Back in December he told me that he has slept with his female friend a few times.
I encouraged the friendship because I knew that I couldn't be there. And I knew that it was possible that s"x would be involved. But maybe denial again. Or ignorance. I pretended it wasn't a possibility.
But last night, he told me he was more suicidal than he's been in years. That he feels no relationship exists or has existed in a year nearly. That he doesn't like to talk about it because he doesn't want to cause me pain.
So i told him I could just be his friend.
And I threw away my judgement and my reactivity for the sake of being his friend through his severe depression.
And for the first time I have the full truth. The stuff that he didn't tell me.
He's been seeing that girl. They have formed some semblance of a relationship. He says it made him feel stable for once.
I hate her.
She's just as if not more unstable than him. And she knew i didn't know that they were sleeping together.
Maybe directing my anger at her is more of my denial. But at some point she was my friend and the whole situation just ... Messes with my head.. It's a dumpster fire.
I finally for the first time I have the full truth. And being his friend feels good. Having him open up to me finally feels good. I know that he's in a very bad place and that he's very sensitive right now so any judgments or confrontations on my part won't do much except push him off the ledge. Or maybe it's just bliss ignorance.
But anyways. She has found a new guy and tried to manipulate the situation to pretend like it wasn't happening. And it's
PLEASE READing with my exes head.And now the new guy wants to be exclusive so suddenly it's like my ex has had his rug pulled out from under him and he's gone full depressed and suicidal.
There's a part of me that's Happy that he experienced some stability with this girl. It means that he was okay for a bit. But she's also toxic af for him. Very explosive and cruel. Just like he's been to me..
On the other hand.
They started an f-ing relationship.
And my ex is now acting like this girl was his exclusive gf for the last two months.
And he didn't tell me because he "cares and didn't want to hurt me".
And that's a load of cr@p. But he believes it.
And I'm torn. Between relief that he's finally talking to me openly and honestly.
And utter and complete pain. I want to be there for him as a friend indefinitely.
But at the same time, meanwhile, I have to mourn this relationship. Somehow both are happening at the same time intermittently. Severe grief. And some form of temporarily unconditional love.
It's almost like I'm compartmentalizing the two.
Eventually it will shift. I don't feel crazy and yet I feel my own pain. I acknowledge it. Accept it. I hurt.
And then I take breaks to enjoy fun and positive conversations with my ex.
It's been here, this entire time, the truth. I just kept putting it off. He told me he feels like we're over and I just... Brushed it off.
I'm in this weird box. Its schrodinger's relationship. It's both dead and alive until you observe it.
I love him. I love the wonderful I have been able to experience with him. And I've forgiven many of the painful things.
Ive also realized that in trying to keep the peace I let things disintegrate further.
My lack of honesty, his shutting down and me trying to walk on eggshells contributed to the decay.
The dynamic was terrible. But I lived in denial because I desperately didn't want to lose him.
I was addicted to the drama. It's part of why I stayed. Those things made me feel when i was numb all the time.
The relationship and the dynamic was awful. The intimacy was great. But then even that dried up after 6 years. And i still denied it.
I don't want him to go through this alone. I want to give him support.
It's still gross to hear him talk about her like she was his gf. But I leave my processing of that till after he hangs up.
I guess I do know what I'm doing. I'm letting go. Of everything i thought I knew. And starting over. With no expectations.
It feels really good to hear him really talk to me openly again. It feels good to open all those doors of communication again.
It means we're friends.. At least for now. I'm okay with that. But it doesn't mean much else. It just is. I don't hate him or resent him anymore.
I resent his temp gf. Which i don't think that's healthy. It's not her fault she's so
PLEASE READed up and quick to cr@p all over the place. I have compassion for her, again she was my friend for a while, but I really
PLEASE READing hate her. I think that's because she created a similar dynamic with him. And I feel like I'm replaced by a lesser version lmao.
And I mean, that makes sense. I've grown as a person over 6 years.. I'm not as messed up and unaware as I used to be. And she reminds me of those parts. Plus the whole manipulation thing.
So maybe I really just need to forgive myself for staying through the bad times. For the horrible codependency. That's mine to process. That part hurts too.
The biggest differences that I've noticed are one. I'm not afraid to say things to him anymore. I'm not getting pulled into my feelings right away. And I'm not getting pulled into whatever darkness and dysregulation he's going through. I give empathy and compassion without giving away my energy.
But i also see it for what it is. A temporary state.
This friendship might not have a future. Or maybe it does. I really don't know. I don't ever want to go back to that toxic dynamic. I can be there for him while he needs, but I won't stay for drama.
I guess I'm finally letting myself confront reality. He's not healthy. And he's not getting help. He stopped seeing his therapist. There's a possibility he might try to commit suicide.
But as long as he's telling me it openly, it's almost like it helps him calm down. Saying it out loud with me not reacting or overreacting keeps him... Talking about it. And that's something really new. That makes me happy.
It's like i unlocked a new tool.
He's been my best friend for so long. Even through all of this he's helped me get through some of my own crap.
He's also been a terribly emotionally abusive friend too. And that's just a thing that happened now. For too long I pretended like if I just ignored the bad parts they would stop existing.
I think at one point observing somebody else having a similar dynamic with the significant other really opened my eyes. A friend joined an anonymous addiction server. And then her significant other joined in just to find out what she wrote about him and then flipped out on her for it.
and her response to him doing that was to defend him that he's amazing except for these few things.
It was like having the contents of my own brain strewn out on a whiteboard to be analysed..
Wtf.
I don't know what's going to happen. At the very least I feel like I'm coming to terms with things. It means eventually I'll have the power and determination move on. Just because there's a new development doesn't mean we could work out in the future.. That's delusional. I'm not gonna hope for something that unlikely.
He needs help and I'm not his therapist..i can't fix anything for him.