As long as it doesn't get you into trouble, like getting involved with a BP or forgetting to take care of yourself, why is it bad to be a loving, empathetic and giving person? I freely admit that I feel empty and like I have little purpose if I'm not taking care of someone else. I feel fulfilled when I am. Is that so horrible? I've always been this way and I don't see why it's such a big character flaw. If everyone was like this the world would be a better place, IMHO.
I don't want my partner to be my caretaker. As an Adult, I can and should be taking care of myself. I don't want someone shadowing my every move, insisting that it's in my best interest while really hiding the fact that they "feel empty and like they have little purpose if they're not taking care of someone else." That's clinging behavior that's going to do both of us harm and hold both of us hostage. This is not love, it is need.
Romantic caretakers who derive their self esteem from servitude to me are boundary crashers. Imagine where that takes them when they need "needy" people in order to feel loved. It sets them up to look away from healthy people because healthy people dont need caretaking. Healthy people care about others, but they don't care for others, especially when those others can care for themselves. Healthy Mothers wean their children and send them out into the World to forge their own path. They dont act out and create drama to rope their children back in. They let go. I want to be separate and individual. I want to be me, not me and my caretaker.
Most caretakers are altruistic, but with hidden agendas of being either barnacles or remoras. Either way, I am being used as an object in need. If I am not careful- I will permit the boundary crashing out of kindness. I can always find out how much damage this boundary crashing has caused -and how much I have been "subsumed" by the clinger, by setting aside time for myself and seeing what the clinger's reactions are. Maybe it's something I've always wanted to do, or see, maybe take a workshop, maybe have my own friends- talk to someone else on the phone- all of this doesn't give the clinger what they want- attention and that sense of purpose to fill up their loneliness and emptiness- so they begin to turn elsewhere to find someone else or they become anxious and cause drama to get my attention.
Clinging behavior turns to hating if I peel the clinger off me to go on my way without them. Clingers dont want to think that they aren't needed and aren't useful, so they will get mad if I suggest they are free to live their life. This does not compute as anything other than anger to a caretaker. It is a horrible way to live because a caretaker needs someone to exist for. Without me, eventually the clinger will find someone else who allows them to attach. If that person is needy, they will manipulate and abuse the caretaker during the ride. I am left only to watch it all and wish for a better outcome for this person who tries so hard for others but fails to see the beauty of themselves.
Living as a caretaker for others doesn't allow you the life you deserve. Instead, it presupposes that your life depends upon the needs of another to get your own needs met. There is a better way. It begins by looking in the mirror and saying to yourself that the next person you will care-take is yourself. You will wean yourself off of others and forge your own path. You will let go of others and begin. In all of your years, you are the only person that has never abandoned you. Take kindly your care.