Difficult times

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have recently went through a pretty dramatic experience with my well i guess still wife. She a few weeks ago admitted to cheating on me. We have been through our amazing ups and crazy downs in our relationship i am 30 and she is 25 and we have no kids. I loving her of course forgave her, she genuinely seemed upset and remorseful and i quickly let things get back to the way they where. She was amazing those couple weeks and things seemed great even though i still had a deep sense of lack of trust.  A few weeks later i receive a call from the police department, she had a job working with young men and women. I come to find out that the person she cheated on me with was a 17 male and she was turned in and was now being taking to the physc ward for threatening to kill herself. While in the hospital and seeing a therapist they diagnosed her with BPD. She has now lost her job and needless to say facing charges and is desperately seeking me back. She is in a lost place and i am scared for her and i still care for her and afraid what she may do. Looking back after reading more i can see many of the signs of BPD in her and its scary and i have no idea where to go from here. Anyone with any thoughtful ideas or support?

[jondoe]

I have recently went through a pretty dramatic experience with my well i guess still wife. She a few weeks ago admitted to cheating on me. We have been through our amazing ups and crazy downs in our relationship i am 30 and she is 25 and we have no kids. I loving her of course forgave her, she genuinely seemed upset and remorseful and i quickly let things get back to the way they where. She was amazing those couple weeks and things seemed great even though i still had a deep sense of lack of trust.  A few weeks later i receive a call from the police department, she had a job working with young men and women. I come to find out that the person she cheated on me with was a 17 male and she was turned in and was now being taking to the physc ward for threatening to kill herself. While in the hospital and seeing a therapist they diagnosed her with BPD. She has now lost her job and needless to say facing charges and is desperately seeking me back. She is in a lost place and i am scared for her and i still care for her and afraid what she may do. Looking back after reading more i can see many of the signs of BPD in her and its scary and i have no idea where to go from here. Anyone with any thoughtful ideas or support?

[Inneedofhelp]

 So sorry to hear your situation. I wish I had more to offer, but know you are not alone in all of this. Of course you want her to be better, but I've learned we can't save them from all of their pain. What is she asking of you?

[jondoe]

She wants to come back home when she was released i asked her to stay at another family members house of hers. She is constantly begging me back and apologizing saying she is so sorry how she messed our lives up, yet sometimes she then puts the blame game on me. I get told that the recent cry for help was because i wasnt showing her enough love and attention and this and that. The problem is i don't now if i could of even gave her anymore of this. Reading more i seem to have a fare amount of codependent traits, she was literally everything me i would do anything to please her and take care of her. She is now going to church and has signed up for a counselor/therapist. She insists that things  can get better that we will be OK, she keeps wanting to see me and move back in. It kills me for the last month and a half i have felt empty inside without her.

[Inneedofhelp]

Do you feel lonely because you gave so much? Maybe think and weigh out the options of having some heartache for a while but not having to go through all of the chaos a relationship with her brings. Even as bad as it has gotten with my separated spousewBPD, I still have moments when I cave and do things that I know are not healthy and will only encourage his sense of attachment and hold on me. I don't know if that cry for attention will ever subside. I believe my ex has had multiple affairs, and even now he is the one that accuses me of doing things that aren't true. It feels like a constant game. Of course we love them, but I do t think it's healthy.

[jondoe]

I am not sure, literately every decision i made i was always thinking about her and us and what would benefit us. As a matter of fact i can not really recall the last time i did something for myself, i don't remember even the last time i went shopping for clothes for myself in the last 3 years. I dont believe she has ever had another affair besides this one but i dont know. Apparently she was a little promiscuous in her earlier college years before i met her. She felt so bad after she cheated on me that she told me of course it wasnt the whole truth but still, why would she even tell me? I mean this is a lady that dosent do drugs barley ever drinks and can be the sweetest person alive. Could she have really cheated on me before also? How could I have been so blind to the problems she was having for the 5 years we have been together. It scares me now to she seems so disillusional she is acting like nothing has happened that things will be ok. She even talks about starting a family soon because she is getting older. Then when things get difficult or something gets brought up about what she has done she gets upset and talks about how she wish she would just die. Yet even after all she has put me though I still cant stop texting her at night to see if she is doing ok. I want to help but is it even possible?

[AustenJ]

Jondoe-

I am sorry you have to go through this. An adult having sex with a minor is a serious issue, especially if she was a teacher or someone in a position of authority over children. Have formal charges been filed against her? In my opinion, this would be the first issue to be resolved before discussing how to get on with her life.

Personally, I could not forgive my diagnosed xBPDgf for cheating on me with adults... .being in education myself, I would let them lock her up and throw away the key if she had relations with a minor. I'm definitely not saying the pwBPD are more likely to rape teens, but pwBPD love attention from anyone, and if they teach in the fishbowl of education, where teachers are surrounded by children 90% of the day, they need their attention fix. And like my ex, if they cope with impulsive, reckless sex then anyone becomes a target for them. At her previous school, my ex nannied for families and had sex with fathers of her students.

My diagnosed xBPDgf was a middle school teacher in her mid-20's who would have wet dreams and fantasies about 12 and 13 year old boys... .not that that fact alone makes her a rapist, but I did find it disturbing and disordered. It didn't help that she always wore very revealing yoga pants or short shorts and always seemed to be bending over in front of male students... .she loved the attention from the boys and always joked about then masturbating to her at home or in the locker room. I have little doubt that if she taught high school that she would be very tempted by the affections and attentions of high school boys. pwBPD have the emotions of a 3-year-old so they may feel more comfortable around youngsters. Mine also would absolutely gush about getting hugs from younger children... .

This is just my experience and my opinion, but cheating on me with an illegal minor would absolutely make me sick, and I would have to really look at myself for getting involved with this kind of monster that preys on children.

pwBPD are tragic, absolutely. But there is no reason for you to go down with the ship! Research as much as you can on BPD... .there are many good resources here. I wish you well.

[jondoe]

Yes formal charges have been filed sex with a minor while in a supervisor role. That is the thing though she has never shown me to be a monster she dosent drink do drugs party she acts like an angel most days. I still cant look at her as a monster even though the situation makes me sick to my stomach. She just seems so lost and confused now i just dont understand how she could of let this happen. Apparently this kid was an extreme aggressor towards her and found out her number and this and that i dont know maybe all this is a lie he was 2 months from 18 maybe this is just me trying to rationalize. What really scares me though is the thoughts she has of suicide and the high rates i read amongst BPDs i am so scared for her i dont know what i would do if she hurt herself how do you deal with these worries.