Is this progress?

[WitzEndWife]

So, after our HUGE blowup in the car that morning, when my H came to pick me up at work, after Ubering all day, he was (of course), all loving and sweet, and in a good mood. I was sad, and he hates it when I'm sad. He tried to "cheer me up" by making goofy faces, but I said, "That's not going to make me un-sad." He said, "What can I do to make you happy?" I said, ":)o you really want to know?" He said, "Okay," and braced himself. First, I told him that I needed for him to treat me with respect, and to stop name-calling. He apologized and agreed that it was a horrible thing to have done. I told him that I didn't want to have a marriage where we were cursing at each other and yelling and screaming. He said that he didn't want that either. I also told him that I needed him to take care of himself as if I wasn't in his life. After our many side conversations about this, he knew exactly what I meant (get a job[!], take care of nutrition/activity/hygiene). He said that he was trying, that he was getting out more, and going on bike rides, etc. Then, he said, "There's something psychological going on with me, but I'm not sure what it is." I said, "Hmm, have you talked to your therapist about that?" He said, "Yes, that's what we talk about." So, I said, "Okay, well it sounds like she's helping you figure that out," and he said, "Yes," and I said, "That's good."

This is the second time he's acknowledged that there was something going on that was outside of "normal." A week ago, he told me that he was "mentally ill." So, I think his therapist is helping him to self-reflect more. This is progress, right? If he can acknowledge that he's ill, there might be hope of him improving, right?

I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but after being ready to throw in the towel here, I wonder if there's a way that this marriage can be saved.

[Tattered Heart]

Baby steps. Yes, I'd definitely say it's a win. Enjoy it.

Just remember that progress isn't full victory yet. Expect some set backs but for him to just admit there is a problem is a good step.

[isilme]

Cherish the moments when they have some clarity.  Each step forward, no matter how small, is still forward. 

Weird thing - not sure if this is something that can happen while living with your parents, but H seems to get "lonely" when he showers sometimes.  And wants me in the room/shower.  Nothing kinky, he just wants me in there, and if I'm not, he can be prone to dysregulated thoughts and may come out angry/upset/depressed.  I think he starts thinking and can't stop the flow of bad thoughts, and wants me in there to stem the tide (we've established I'm his blankie, and while I can't stop having to work through lunch sometimes, I can agree to keep him company a few times when he needs this).  Could you encourage your H to bathe more regularly by going in there together?  Or at the parent's house would that be weird? 

Your H's "symptoms" seem close to my H's at times, thought this might help at least get him feeling like a human being again, by taking care of basic hygiene. 

[WitzEndWife]

 Could you encourage your H to bathe more regularly by going in there together?  Or at the parent's house would that be weird? 

Your H's "symptoms" seem close to my H's at times, thought this might help at least get him feeling like a human being again, by taking care of basic hygiene. 

I'm not sure that would work for us. Maybe if it were something sexual (which I haven't much been in the mood for since his hygiene has been spotty). Most of the time, this lack of hygiene is a result of depression. He spends the whole day in bed, or wakes up late, unable to shower or brush his teeth.

He did shower yesterday, and, although he spent the whole day in bed, he worked on a video project and looked for jobs (supposedly), so that's good! I don't mind as much if he does that, as long as he does something!

[peacemountain]

Yes! I would definitely take this as progress! First, you were able to share a need with him to which he responded well by hearing you and without dysregulating. Second, it's apparent that he's looking "inside" himself to some degree to identify the issues rather than playing the victim and blaming everyone else for his unhappiness. This is required for any sort of improvement!

[WitzEndWife]

Yes! I would definitely take this as progress! First, you were able to share a need with him to which he responded well by hearing you and without dysregulating. Second, it's apparent that he's looking "inside" himself to some degree to identify the issues rather than playing the victim and blaming everyone else for his unhappiness. This is required for any sort of improvement!

I'm especially impressed that he's figuring this stuff out on his own (with the help of the therapist, no doubt). I feel like he's finally getting the help he needs. The good thing is that he's only worked with this therapist for a few weeks, and he's already able to self-reflect. I know it's a long road ahead, BUT it's still pretty amazing that he's already doing that!

[Grey Kitty]

  Yes, that is progress on his part. Enjoy it while it lasts. Everybody makes progress in fits and starts, with some setbacks; try not to get too upset about it.

You are making progress too, and unlike his progress, you have some control there, and I want to acknowledge that as well.

  Telling him you are glad his therapy is going well, and not getting involved in it!

  The courage to be vulnerable and tell him why you are upset. (Along with the wisdom to pick a time when he is receptive for it)