just need validation that I am not crazy

[hrlyqn317]

my husband and I started dating about 5 years ago. we got pregnant after 3 months and we made the choice to stay together. if I hadn't gotten pregnant there's no way I would've stayed in this relationship. looking back, there were more signs than the ones I noticed.

When I was 6 months pregnant we got into an argument over whether or not to go into Dunkin Donuts or to use the drive-thru. he screamed and banged his fists on the dashboard and scared me because who gets this angry over this? I made him go to therapy. that didn't last. he went to another one, that didn't last long either. 2-3 visits and he would claim the therapist was an idiot or would be so afraid that the therapist was plotting against him, that he would quit.

He worked part time at night, so he "babysat" our son while I worked a regular 8-5 job. the way his moods shifted I thought he was bi-polar, but he would threaten suicide if I left him, so I thought he might be depressed. his parents were no help, they basically wrote us off the second he moved into my house. he wouldn't lift a finger to do chores. it was a victory if he changed the baby out of his pjs.

After about a year of this, I started to get concerned that something might happen while I was at work. he throws these temper tantrums where he flips out and ends up breaking things. I got pregnant again before the first one turned 1, so that kind of sealed my fate, I guess. after the second one, I quit my job to stay home because I just knew in the deepest part of me that there was no way all three of them would survive being alone together all day.

I made him go to therapy again. I gave him an ultimatum and he went. they put him on zoloft. he quickly skipped out on the therapy sessions, but stayed on zoloft. it wasn't a cure, but it definitely took the edge off. after about 2 years he just cold turkeyed off of zoloft and it's been downhill ever since. it's been about 6 months since he quit the zoloft and every day it gets worse and worse. the good times are quicker and further apart. we have arguments over literally everything.

It's exhausting. we put money down on a house. we're building it. he now threatens to not sign the papers so I'll lose all my money that I put down. he says I'm the crazy one. one minute I'm his soulmate, the next I'm an evil ___. the other day he texted his mother and told her I was an evil ___ and the devil and I saw it and he yelled at me. but not for looking at the phone, he yelled at me because how dare I get upset that he said those things. justified it by saying his mom is a drunk and doesn't matter. his favorite phrase is, "if it's not true then you shouldn't get mad" and every time he says it I try to battle it with logic... like, literally the opposite is true! accusing people of stuff they aren't doing is the quickest way to get someone upset and put them on the defensive.

I'm at my wits end. I can't take very much more of this. I feel like I'm drowning. I've given him my final ultimatum. he just started therapy again last week. I told him that I am doing him a disservice by staying with him because I've led him to believe the way he treats me is ok because I'm still around

Our kids are 2 & 4 now and I can see it taking a toll on them. I have a child from a previous relationship (11yo) and she has started talking to a counselor at school because the teachers have noticed a change in her demeanor. my husband refuses to acknowledge our screaming is the problem and instead blames video games.

Last year he got drunk and choked me in front of her. I made him go to AA. he went once. he doesn't drink in front of me anymore. he says he doesn't drink at all, but since he lies all the time, it's hard to what's real and what's not. about 2 months ago he shoved me into the kitchen table in front of the littles and then denied doing it. after the bruise appeared, he blamed me... .told me I pushed him first. he's a foot taller and weighs 100 pounds more. I didn't push him first. that was the straw that broke the camel's back. that was what led me to threaten divorce unless he got help. so far he has gone twice.

I wish I hadn't quit my job. I wish I could've afforded daycare for the kids. I wouldn't feel so helpless if I had a job and some money. I want it to work, if nothing else, but because life would just be easier.

I want my littles to have their father in their life. he is the only father my daughter has ever known. I don't want to raise them alone. I don't want to do life alone. I want my fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and fix him. I want to have regular arguments... .like put the seat down or pick up your socks. but getting into a screaming match over the benefits of letting lake okeechobee drain into the gulf (and not for environmental reasons, but because all fishermen are cutthroat pirates who are only concerned about making money) is ridiculous and it's draining.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

You tell an all too familiar story... .

Feeling stuck is the worst - it affects your decision making in a bad way. Having the fear of "what will happen to me if he leaves" adds way too much stress.

What was your ultimatum? What does he need to do to stay? Read on the right -> about Boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect you and are in the form "My value says that X is wrong. I cannot stop you doing X, but if you do X, I will protect myself (and my kids) by doing Y." eg if you are drunk, I will take the kids and go out until you sober up. If you threaten suicide, I will call the ambulance to help you. If you yell and me/kids, we will move into a different room.

Read also about Validation - it's a good conversation technique that may reduce tantrums.

Is there a way you can get a part time job, and use the money to put your kids into day care? It's financially neutral, but it gives you an escape, some "reality" and control. It could also move to longer employment in the future.

And is a horrible dad better than no dad? Assume he can't change - what would you choose?

[ArleighBurke]

And no - you're not crazy! The BPD world is a real messed up place.

[heartandwhole]

Hi hrlqn317,



I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have gotten for you and your family. You are going through a lot, and it's very stressful for both you and the kids, too. I'm glad you posted, as members here understand these kinds of high-conflict relationship and will offer their experiences and advice. You are not alone. Things can get better for you. 

Cold-turkeying antidepressants can produce very difficult symptoms. Has your husband been back to his doctor to let him/her know how his behavior has changed?

Often, when we are in the middle of situation, we can't see what's going on with any objectivity. The health of the family, however, is greatly helped by seeing things for what they are, if we can. I'd like to suggest an assessment tool that will support you, and will help you decide on your next steps:

MOSAIC threat assessment tool.

Do you have a support system around you? Friends and family who are supportive and whom you can turn to when things get too intense?

Keep writing. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, hrlyqn317
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. We never want to see the things that don't work, don't punish yourself for not having seen the signals in time, that's how it works. You can't live expecting threats from every one, that's kind of how BPD people live, and it is hell.
You sound rational and sensitive, you're going through a lot, and inspite of that, you keep a good grip of the situation. I understand perfectly that when kids are involved there is no right solution that would make everything perfect. Even if you would leave him if you were alone, you are not sure what to do about the kids. Also, sometimes there is one right thing to do, but we simply can't afford it. Is the solution going to be even worse than the problem?

Having a problem that you can't solve, is hard. Having the responsibility of the kids in that situation, adds a lot of despair, and then, the living wiht someone that poses conflict every day... .It's just too much. No one in your shoes would do it better than you, this is an impossible task. You do what you can, and if you fail one day, you just forgive yourself, and try again.
For example, you left your work for a reason, and it was a good one. Maybe now you think it wasn't the best option. But at the time, it was. You would forgive any friend that did the things you did, so don't be harder on yourself. If you can change it now, start the change, if you can't, keep doing your best.
Most people here feel trapped in dead ends, I feel like that many times, but... .Just writing feels better than not telling about it. It takes some burden off your chest. And occasionally you get some idea that lets you walk a bit closer to a possible solution. To me having a lot to learn sometimes is overwhelming, but avobe all, it's a direction to walk to, when I saw no way before. 'I can't end this crisis, what to do?', I post or I read, or I watch a video... .And that feels better than doing nothing, or acting out of my troubled feelings at the time and making things worse.

This is a safe place to talk, be understood and not judged. We're glad to do our best, because we need help ourselves often too. I hope this place helps you, and that your luck turns and you get a safe family evirontment for you and your kids.

Take care,

J