Is there any hope?

[Ruskin]

Hi Folks
I’ll try keep this short as I value your time and to be honest I have been through the wringer later with my suspected BPD wife.  She currently has a diagnosis of PTSD and has been treated for depression and anxiety, but I have always wondered if there has been something more due to the explosive moods and mood swings.  She had her last diagnosis in 2014, is now off her meds as she wants to have a baby with me

Over the past 3 months the mood swings have become incredibly worse, I am scared of her to be honest and with reason

So why I am I posting here?  I am thinking is the relationship worth it?  I now have realised this may be BPD and I now have to embark on the mission of helping her agree to see a doctor and then seeing if the doctor see the traits of BPD and then embark on treatment

I am thinking is it worth it?  I am a shadow of myself after 9 years of abuse and from reading posts on her I read of partners of diagnosed BPD people still running amock in the their non BPD partners life?

Is there any hope, I am seriously erroring on giving up, it’s not really my battle and to suggest to my partner anything wrong with her is like stepping in front of a truck

Confused, Confused……...

Thank you, D.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for your pain, but am glad you've found us.  Many members here have been or are in similar situations.  There are coping tools that you can learn to help protect yourself and ease the pain.  You are not alone.  Can you tell us a little more about why you are scared of her?

RC

[once removed]

hi Ruskin, i want to join Radcliff in saying

I am thinking is it worth it?

youre not alone here in asking this question. staying or going is a very personal decision, that we all have our unique reasons for, and we can help support you in whichever path you take.

what might help inform that question/decision is that yes, there is hope. with support and tools, i have seen members here turn their lives and relationships around, and thrive. i have seen some make the relationship more manageable and tolerable, with significantly less stress and hardship. and ive seen others make the hard decision to leave, but with a far healthier, much smoother landing.

in all cases, a strong support system was essential. in that regard, im glad you found us. do tell us more about whats going on and how we can best support you.

[Ruskin]

  Can you tell us a little more about why you are scared of her?

RC

Hi Radcliff
Thank you ever so much for your reply, that really means a lot to me,

You asked why I am scared, well there a few reasons.  First of all the words that get said to me hurt.  When things are bad I definitely am verbally abused, this weekend I had the conversation with my partner about getting help for her, I had been wanting to have the conversation for weeks and was waiting for a good day, the days rarely came.  My partner knew I wanted to speak to her so she finally asked (she was already having a bad day) for me to tell her what I wanted to say.  I tried my best to give a caring conversation, was as sensitive as I could be but still I ended being called “Moth** Fu**er” and ass etc….

So the words hurt,

She is physically violent to a degree, she doesn’t hit me, but in her rages, this weekend for example she threw a painting from the wall, threw the vacuum cleaner down the stairs of her house, dropped the break maker on the floor and slammed doors, scarey rages

I am almost scared to be in the house with her when she gets up, what will the inevitable trigger be?  How will the mood play its self out, when will the rage start and the constant blaming
I hate it when she comes home to the house at night, (not her I hate) I hate the lack of a welcome, a hello, I shudder at the gruff demeaner

I am disappointed how our life has turned out together, the lost hours, days, years through the dysfunctional moods that have handicapped us both.

This year I started journaling (she was quite well at this time) and after a while I wondered why I had not done this before, I was planning , making a life plan.  I can realise why I had never done that before – Life was so unstable – life was about surving

If I share my life with her, she must be my friend not enemy, as far as I know this is our only life and it is important we all make the most of it
I do not wish waste it.

[Ruskin]

in all cases, a strong support system was essential. in that regard, im glad you found us. do tell us more about whats going on and how we can best support you.

Thank you once removed for your kind welcome and reply.  I felt a glimmer of hope when I read that some can recover, I do of course understand that it will be a monumental effort, probably on both our parts.  I feel as I may be willing to give things a final go but it will need to based on certain conditions and a time scale – like a cut  or deadline.  If my wife is happy to start on that journey, I’ll accompany her, otherwise we will part.  I hate to think I might break our home, that I may abandon a woman I love, even make our pets homeless, a beautiful elderly cat and an elderly rabbit (well maybe one of us might be able to find a rental property which we can move them into)  My wife does deserve love and care but looks like I cannot give this if I am the verbal punching bag

You asked of situation, my story.  Goodness where to begin, it’s a huge story, spanning 9 years,  probably not dissimilar to many that have found this page

Wife sexually abused as a young child, suicidal teenager,(bi polar sufferers in family)  finally left home(24years), once married(31 yrs) 1st time living with a partner – Me and all number of unusual behaviours noted, eventual ptsd diagnosis, treatment for depression anxiety, inc anti psychotics --- mood dysregulation never investigated and the biggest rollercoaster of a married life you could imagine

Cant believe the mangaler if I have been through, still kept my job and my family of origin through this though lost many friends through partner induced seclusion

Hopefully things will work out, but we are not even at the diagnosis stage …………….  Long path ahead

[once removed]

I feel as I may be willing to give things a final go but it will need to based on certain conditions and a time scale – like a cut  or deadline.  If my wife is happy to start on that journey, I’ll accompany her, otherwise we will part. 

as our, lets call it Required Reading article on "what it takes" to be in these relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship) mentions, conditions are important. its also important that good, bad, easy or long shot, that they be realistic.

what are your conditions? whats the timeline?

[Ruskin]

Thank you for the prompt, my timeline, to be honest I had not quantified that yet, thank you for the prompt.

I guess I could say one month for initial gp appointment and then 2-4 months if there is any referrals and associated identification, the ultimate point to be crossed is for her to recognise her moods and lessen the rages and blaming, looks like a timescale of 3-6 months.

If nothing is identified and she is unwilling to recognise her moods and rages are damaging, I won’t be able to put up with that and must walk my own walk

My wife has a operation coming up and will be incapacitated at Christmas so at least I can support her through that, no matter what, with that timeline

[Radcliff]

A couple of impressions, having been around these parts for a while, and having lived for a very long while in a BPD marriage... .I hope you don't mind me speaking with candor

First, your timeline is short to expect any real change.  These problems have been years in the making, and won't be fixed in a few months.

Second, all of your criteria are focused on changes she must make.  These expectations are bound not to be met.  Your focus on her behaviors is totally understandable -- they are unreasonable and destructive, and are causing you great pain.  But you cannot control her behaviors.  You can learn about and control your own.  We can help you with discussion of how to support her in potentially getting treatment.  But the most vital thing for you to look at is how you can alter your own behaviors to keep from making things worse.  We are not trying to lay the situation on you, but we want you to experience as much improvement as quickly as possible (you control your behavior, so can make quicker progress with that), and gain growth that may save your marriage, and if not, that you can take with you to have healthier relationships in the future.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Ruskin]

A couple of impressions, having been around these parts for a while, and having lived for a very long while in a BPD marriage... .I hope you don't mind me speaking with candor

First, your timeline is short to expect any real change.  These problems have been years in the making, and won't be fixed in a few months.

Second, all of your criteria are focused on changes she must make.  These expectations are bound not to be met.  Your focus on her behaviors is totally understandable -- they are unreasonable and destructive, and are causing you great pain.  But you cannot control her behaviors.  You can learn about and control your own.  We can help you with discussion of how to support her in potentially getting treatment.  But the most vital thing for you to look at is how you can alter your own behaviors to keep from making things worse.  We are not trying to lay the situation on you, but we want you to experience as much improvement as quickly as possible (you control your behavior, so can make quicker progress with that), and gain growth that may save your marriage, and if not, that you can take with you to have healthier relationships in the future.  Does that make sense?

RC

Thank you Radcliffe

i will take that on board, sorry i did not reply to this till now, just found your kind reply today and had been in a bit of a emergency situation during the week.
I will give thought to what you said, i have a good book that i am reading too "stop walking on egg shells" some self help tips in there

thank you