Boyfriend with BPD

[Cheiwrine]

We’ve only been together for a few months but it’s been the most caring and loving relationship I’ve been in. We said ‘I love you’ very early into the relationship. He spoke about his diagnosed BPD straight up and had a history of isolating himself from anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. It was upsetting, but I grew used to it and he was always apologetic about it. We had a weekend where I had booked hotels/concerts for us to attend and he bailed without an explanation which resulted in me blowing up his phone, begging for an answer and then becoming angry at him before breaking up with him. This ended in him blocking me on the phone/social media. Once I calmed down, I contacted his friends/family because I grew concerned about his well-being. He then contacted me and apologised and asked me not to contact him for a little while as he was going through mental/family issues. I wanted to give him space but I still continued to text him every day or every second day to say sorry for growing so angry at him and to let him I know I still loved him and would be there for him. Through this, i asked him if he still had feelings for him and he said he did, and that we’d talk soon. It’s now been 2 weeks of no contact from him at all and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my own to is behaviours in this relationship and I’m scared he’ll never talk to me again (though I’m coming to terms I have no control over it)

I feel we’ve both hurt each other badly but I just want to make it work. Is this typical behaviour of someone with bpd? Do I keep giving him space, but check in every now and then to let him know I’m still here? I’m not ready to walk away from this relationship although that may be the easiest option. I’m not proud of my behaviour (I have control issues/abandonment issues) and I’m trying to work on it, and I’ve tried so hard to fix this relationship but I’m just worried I’ve pushed him away further.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're going through tough times.  The situation you've described -- his behaviors and yours -- are very familiar on these boards.  Your behavior was completely understandable.  Of course you were upset about the things that happened; any of us would have been.  The good news is that we can learn coping tools that help us work more effectively with our BPD partners.  While checking on him frequently was a perfectly reasonable impulse, he likely felt pressured by it, and withdrew further.

You've got some assets here.  His level of self-awareness, and his openness about BPD, are unusual, and are helpful.  Your willingness to grow and work on things is also an asset.

When you said he withdrew from everything in the past, I was a little uncertain if you meant that he withdrew from you or if you were talking about things that happened before he met you.  If he did withdraw from you, what was the longest period of time he withdrew before?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

Hello,

Thank you for your response. It helps.

He’s withdrawn from me in the past, but when we’ve talked about it he says he isolates himself from everyone and only talks to his psych. The longest he’s gone without talking to me has probably been a month, but that was before we entered a relationship. It’s now been 2 weeks of no contact and I’m terrified he won’t come back. I’m trying hard to give him the space he’s asked for but I’m scared it’s too late and I’ve damaged this for good.

[Radcliff]

Got it.  Try to relax a bit.  I know that's easier said than done, but it's rarely as bad as we think.  Totally natural for you to be worried, though.  Many members have walked the same path and felt the same way.  Try to go a bit easier on yourself.  Our pwBPD have atypical reactions.  Figuring out how to work effectively with them usually a painful process of trial and error.

If you want to still be in the relationship, it's important to not lose sight of your needs.  You don't want to say, "I shouldn't have been upset at him for cancelling on the concert, I almost lost him."  You probably should have been upset!  We have to stay in touch with our needs and protect ourselves, while also learning some strategies that can help us be more effective with our partners.

Can you tell us exactly what was said before you went NC?  Did he say anything that might give a clue about how much time was needed, or how contact might be re-established?  When he took some space from you before, how was contact re-established?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

When he first got into contact with me after I blew up at him, he said he really needed me to not contact himself for a little while. I took that us him breaking up with me so I asked why and he said it was mental/family issues. Unfortunately, I kept texting him regularly mostly to let him know I was sorry and still had feelings. He kept in contact at least once a week after this until I had this overwhelming feeling he was seeing someone else so I asked him if he was/if he had cheated. He denied it and asked why I thought that. I said I’d explain later if he wanted to talk. He also said in the same message message ‘you said you want to you give me space but you’ve been messaging everyday’

I haven’t heard from him since then, and that was over 2 weeks ago... I’ve tried to limit my messages to no more than once every few days. In the past, when he would isolate/withdraw, I would still message him daily but whenever he came back, he would often say he liked receiving these messages

[Radcliff]

There's a bit of an art to figuring out how often to reach out when our pwBPD have withdrawn.  Many members are struggling with their own anxiety and reach out too often.  Since he hasn't responded he may feel like he needs more space.  The trick is to give space without making them feel like we've abandoned them, and while we remain open to connection with them.  You might consider sending a message like, "Sorry, I'm trying to figure out how to give you enough space, and worry I may be crowding you.  I'll hold off on any messages for seven days to see if that helps, but I'd be happy to hear from you anytime."  That's just a suggestion.  Your voice is likely less stiff than mine ;)  The idea is to give more space but let him know how long so he's not left guessing. 

An alternative is to stick with the idea that he has liked receiving messages in the past.  But if you do that, it's important that the messages contain no pressure.  Even a question about the weather applies pressure, because it expects an answer.  What have you been saying when you've been messaging every few days?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

Mostly just messages apologising and letting him know I still loved him. But other times, my emotions get the best of me and I’ll send quite emotional messages begging him to talk to
me.. And then I’ve sent a few messages begging him to end things with me if that’s what he wanted. He hasn’t acknowledged those messages asking him to end things, nor has he acknowledged the breakup texts.. I guess that’s one good sign? Now that I know how damaging it really was, I’ll stop. I was just going through a super rough time lately with issues unrelated to him.

[khibomsis]

Cheiwrine, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! It is difficult, although I agree with Radcliff that you are in a good space compared to many on this board in that he is aware and in therapy and that you are willing to work at it. It is going to take a lot of work, it is hard to sustain a relationship where one party is erratically absent at times.
I was wanting to ask if you have considered therapy for yourself? I have terrible abandonment issues myself, and therapy really helped me get a handle on it. Used to be that once I was triggered I would have to take the entire day off and just deal with it. These days, though I feel it still, I am able to say "it is just emotions" and carry on with what I was doing at a slower pace.
Take the time that you have to yourself, enjoy the peace and quiet, and work on your issues. That way you will be stronger for the next recycle.

[Cheiwrine]

I’m in therapy for generalised anxiety/depression/abandonment issues. I have BPD tendencies so I understand what he’s going through to an extent. Doesn’t make it any easier though. It’s awful. I’m currently looking for another therapist that specialises in BPD as my current psych has no helpful advice on what to do on this situation.

My goal is to get myself to a stable point where I can support him better; and also take care of myself in the event he doesn’t come back.. which I absolutely dread. I’m very hopeful he’ll come back.

[khibomsis]

It is indeed awful. I think your goal is absolutely spot on, we can't help them if we are not stable. There are plenty of tools on this board. Where would you like to start?

[Radcliff]

Like khibomsis said, it can be awful when our partner's behaviors interact with our vulnerabilities.  Try not to think of strategies that don't work out as "damaging," but rather "ineffective."  Shame can drag us down and hinder our progress.  It's helpful to learn non-judgemental ways of thinking and talking about our behavior.  The coping tools we learn are all aimed at helping us to be more effective.

It's super tough when we feel abandoned, and all of our systems seem to go on red alert.  The fact that you're aware of this is a huge help.  As we learn to become more mindful, we can get better at interrupting our distress and finding a way out of it without ineffective behaviors.  This can be taught and practiced, and when we start to see improvements, it's really nice!  A great way to learn this is through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).  It was originally developed for BPD, but is now used for other things such as PTSD.  It's essentially coaching on the skills of mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.  One place to look for someone who teaches DBT is here:
https://behavioraltech.org/resources/find-a-therapist/
When I'm down in the muck, it helps me to understand how if I work at things they can get better.  DBT can be good at that.

RC

[Cheiwrine]

I’m struggling with finding enough to keep me busy during the day. I work a job that’s not exactly.. stimulating so I find he’s in my every thought and that can cause anxiety and stress, especially when he’s isolating himself. I’ve been trying to focus on doing other things to keep my kind occupied after work like exercise/painting etc. My biggest fear is that he’ll never speak to me again

[Cheiwrine]

Is the fact he didn’t acknowledge the breakup message/messaging asking him if he was done a good sign he wants to make this work too?

[khibomsis]

I find meditation enormously useful in occupying those spare moments. Also stretching - although be warned people look at one strangely when you stretch in public   Two free ways of creating endorphins, feel good hormones, and sorting out anxiety while you are about it.
I wouldn't read too much into his non-response. It could be as simple as he can't find his phone. 

[Radcliff]

I agree with khibomsis not to read too much, either way, into his non-reply.  That's great that you're keeping yourself occupied with painting and exercise -- it's a very good strategy.  When I'm someplace like work and I find distressing thoughts overtaking me, I concentrate on breathing in my nose and out my mouth slowly.  Concentrating on that helps to break the thought pattern.  I know it's hard to be afraid you'll never talk to him again.  Often our pwBPD just need some time to come back to baseline.  Then the trick is sometimes to figure out ways to slowly re-establish contact in a way that saves face for them and doesn't go too quickly.

I know it's a bit counterintuitive, but giving him some space and working on easing your own distress levels is a really productive thing to be doing for the relationship.  You are doing important relationship work even if he's not with you right now.  How long has it been since you last reached out to him?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

Thank you both for those tips
I’ve been leaving my phone at home during work/gym etc so I’m not tempted to text him.
It’s been 2 days since I messaged him where I said I was aware I had been applying too much pressure and hadn’t been giving him space. I said I’d check in with him again in 5 days time but that he was welcome back at any time. I said that I loved him and was still there for him.
It’s been about 2-3 week since he last contacted me. In the past when he would disappear, he’d always come back and apologise basically saying he felt ashamed for ignoring me for so long and was worried he was leaving me cold

[Radcliff]

Go, you!    That's great that you said he was welcome back any time.  Hopefully that should ease the shame a bit.  Good strategies to avoid temptation.  You are changing your patterns.  This is hard work, and you should be proud.  You've got this.  Hang in there and keep us posted!

RC

[Cheiwrine]

I realised in the past when I would message him regularly it would always be stuff relating to my day that I thought he would appreciate, or just telling him that I missed & loved him. He’s cancelled on our plans a few times in the past but this latest time was the only time I became super angry and broke up with him. I’m feeling hopeful, but still trying to accept the fact he may not come back.

[khibomsis]

Use the time you are given to work on your issues. I know it is hard, but you seem to be doing very well so far. I don't think there was anything wrong with being angry, it is human. But what  would you do differently next time?

[Cheiwrine]

I definitely am working on myself. Trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible too.

A big part why I became so angry is because I thought it was his way of breaking up with me, and I was angry he wouldn’t acknowledge me. I took it very personally and was terrified that he was abandoning me. I’ve since realised that’s not the case, and that it’s not personal.

[khibomsis]

indeed abandonment issues and BPD is a toxic combination, because they also suffer fear of abandonment and rejection. So you've got both sides walking around in fear. Next time, maybe to build trust, be honest about your issues? I did that once, became overwhelmed, feared rejection and then became the one who rejected in self-protection. It was a mess. But I was able to call back and say "look I got overwhelmed" and we were able to talk through it. Maybe write your boyfriend a letter? Don't send it, I think giving him space is the right thing to do, but just so when you do talk you have clarified things in your mind and can be clear about what the problem was.
Here's a workshop on how to end conflict which might help:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Cheiwrine]

Is there a time limit? It’s been 2-3 weeks of no contact from him. I’ve sent 2 messages in this past week that were light/apologetic and showing I was there for him and still wanting him in my life.

The very last message he sent me was quite abrupt in saying I hadn’t been giving him the space he asked for and questioning why I had asked if he was seeing someone (he said he wasn’t)

I’m doing my best to myself distracted and working on myself but how long do I give this before I accept he doesn’t want to be with me? Ironically, he was always so good at communicating his needs and wants during the times we talked so I find it hard to accept he would just ditch this relationship without letting me know he didn’t want this.

[Cheiwrine]

Is there a time limit? It’s been 2-3 weeks of no contact from him. I’ve sent 2 messages in this past week that were light/apologetic and showing I was there for him and still wanting him in my life.

The very last message he sent me was quite abrupt in saying I hadn’t been giving him the space he asked for and questioning why I had asked if he was seeing someone (he said he wasn’t)

I’m doing my best to keep myself distracted and trying to
work on myself but how long do I give this before I accept he doesn’t want to be with me? Ironically, he was always so good at communicating his needs and wants during the times we talked so I find it hard to accept he would just ditch this relationship without letting me know he didn’t want this.

[Radcliff]

This is hard.  I'm sorry you have to go through it.  You've sent him two notes this week saying you're available.  So he knows you're available.  I'd space your next message a week after the last one.  Don't say "I'm available for you if you want to talk" -- that is normally a fine thing to say, but given that he's extra sensitive about space this time around, it might be good for the next message to be even more mild, more of a "thinking of you" type of message.  "I'm available" sounds pretty mild to us "nons" but it may feel like a request for connection to him.

You asked how long do you give it before accepting that he doesn't want to be with you.  We could turn it around and ask how long would the no contact go on before you were feeling like you don't want to be with him?  I'm not saying what you should do, except to make sure you're focusing on your feelings and needs rather than guessing his.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Cheiwrine]

The last message I sent him was yesterday and it was just linking him to a song I think he’d enjoy, telling him I missed him and that I hoped he was okay. I said I’d check in another week and that I hoped that would be okay.

I’m just hopeful that I’m on the right track to working things out.

[khibomsis]

Cheiwrine, you are doing great! How do you feel about enjoying the peace while it lasts?

One of the things my beloved raised with me is that she is afraid of me triggering her. I think this is a valid concern. Am right now doing an inventory of all the ways I might come across as rejecting/abandoning, not easy since I was raised by a BPD mom ( big on negativity) and many things that I thought were normal can actually be quite dismissive. I mention this to say that you should not interpret your boyfriends silence as meaning only that he is rejecting you, maybe from his perspective he is trying to protect himself? This is not to say that we are responsible for their dysregulations, far from it, only that we can take responsibility for making sure that we not contribute.

What were the reasons that led you to reacting the way you did? While your boundary was perfectly justified "I am tired of plans being canceled at the last minute without an explanation", are there ways you could have reacted that would have led to a different outcome?

Compassion helps. Your boyfriend is dealing with a lot and so are you. This is your time to figure out how to do things differently in the future. If he comes back and you have not changed yourself, you will be sitting in the the same spot a few months from now and having to go through all this pain again. Make up your mind it will be the last time you respond in an unhelpful way and work on your mental stability. Being in a relationship with a BPD requires the utmost of our commitment and emotional skills. You can demonstrate this in his absence by preparing for the next dysregulation. You have no influence on whether he will contact you again. But you can make sure that when he does you will be a changed person leading to different outcomes.
We are ready to help you. What would you like to work on? There are many tools on this board to help us get there, one step at a time.

[Cheiwrine]

I recently took a new job shortly before meeting him which is a very isolating job with lots of free time. This free time/isolation meant I was spending a lot of time in my own head and worrying about my own issues. After meeting him, I went back on anti depressants which ended up being a bad decision as it caused awful side effects including being very emotional. I was spending week after week feeling nauseas and emotional and worried he was going to abandon me especially when he would go days without contacting me. My weekend meet ups with him became like a drug addiction because he was the only ‘real’ human contact I had. I was terribly codependent on him. He was always caring and compassionate throughout it though, and he was there for me when he could be.

Each week while we were together, I would often call friends upset over him. My friends and therapist would basically tell me to let him go because it was obvious he didn’t care about me. That was very upsetting to hear and it played a part in myself becoming angry at him.

I’ve taken steps to improve my life and my self such as filling in the ‘gaps’ at work, taking up new hobbies (which I didn’t have before) the two key things I’m missing right now are therapy (which I haven’t been in about 6 weeks as my therapist has been away and a social life as I feel like I’ve burnt through my friendships)

I also saw a psychic (I regret this) who told me he probably wasn’t going to contact me again. That puts a lot of doubt in my own mind. He’s gone longer without contacting me, but this time feels different because I’ve said some really hurtful things in the heat of the moment and I’ve sent very confusing messages to him in the past. I’ve calmed down the past month though.

If he comes back, I do have a plan in place to make this work better. I won’t be relying on him the way I was before so that’ll make things easier. Before, I was literally sitting around waiting for him to contact me. I know how unhealthy that was. I feel like I’m lacking a support network because I don’t know how to fix my friendships because I feel very ashamed about how I’ve acted to them. I’m trying to focus on my feelings, but I feel like I’ll continue to wait for him - I have no desire to date anyone else. I feel like I’ll be able to handle the limited contact from him better but I hate not knowing if I’m the one who went too far and hurt him?

[khibomsis]

It sounds like you have put a lot of work into thinking through what happened and trying to improve things! What we can take responsibility for and what we can't is always a difficult balancing act. On the one side is FOG and on the other not taking thought for how we can actually negatively influence the one we love. I struggle with this all the time so to see you being so mature about it is inspiring.

From your boyfriend's point of view it might have looked like this: he was going through a tough time and needed to take some space to deal with his issues, but could not communicate it effectively. Maybe you were also very excited about the holiday which is perfectly understandable? Then the cancellation happened, he went NC and you demanded attention 1. for the cancellation, 2. for the breakup 3. for your regret and sorrow at your actions. But maybe at that time attention was the one thing he could not give you? And that could be why he is being so firm about focusing on himself at this time.

Guilt is a useless emotion and there is in any case no point in trying to undo the past. I mention these things only to help you feel a sense of compassion for his side of things. In the meantime I think he is communicating very effectively about his needs at this time, and there is very little you can do but to accept his decision. I feel if he wanted a break up he would have said so. Giving him time to figure himself out is probably one of the hardest things you have ever done but it is the best you can do. When he is open to communication, then will be the opportunity to communicate what you have done to be different and act differently. Right now he cannot hear you and that is what he is communicating.

Maybe, just for practice, but also because it is a good thing in its own right, give some thought to fixing those friendships? Going through them one by one, seeing what can be fixed and what has to be let go will, if nothing else, give you good practice and experience when the possibility arises of fixing things with him. Do you want to say more where things went awry? Perhaps there is a pattern we can help you see.

 

[khibomsis]

PS. I find meditation, exercise and gardening works as well as anti-depressants, besides being free and non-toxic. It was an unfortunate combination of circumstances, but you are doing the best you can with what you have.
https://permaculture.com.au/why-gardening-makes-you-happy-and-cures-depression/

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked.  Part 2 is located here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340930.msg13086415#msg13086415

Thank you.