New Here...and lost

[MorningSong]

Came here looking for an online support group to hear from others who are married to a BPD spouse and have someone to talk to that understands. Thought I’d find some posts from others to read first and get me acclimated, but I’m at a loss at understanding how this works...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Welcome. Can you tell us a little about the relationship? How lomg have you been married? What is the latest conflict in your marriage?

Skip

[MorningSong]

I am a woman married 13 years to a man who was diagnosed BPD about 3 years ago. Our latest conflict was this past weekend, which sank to a new low. I expressed my opinion on something very benign that he asked me about and he did not like my answer, so he escalated quickly to rage and called me a piece of sh**.  Bizarre, over the top reaction to a simple difference of opinion that he asked about in the first place.This was a new low, even for him. I have been called so many names over the years and I am emotionally exhausted but spiritually strong. I know I need to talk to people that understand what this is like as a part of my emotional healing.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome MorningSong.

Navigating these relationships can be so difficult, can't it? I'm sorry. But you've come to the right place. People here do understand what it's like.

I, too, have been the target of overreaction rage from my uBPDh. Over the last year, I've learned that 1) when that happens, what he seems to be upset about isn't REALLY what he's upset about. And 2) often there was some other stress or trigger earlier in the day (like a stressful conversation with his mom or a rough day at work).

Not that that makes the rage OK, but it's easier for me to process and deal with it when I have a better idea what's behind it. Does that make sense?

If you don't mind my asking, what was the subject he asked about?

[MorningSong]

He asked me what category I would call a type of compensation; for example salary, expense reimbursement, commission. I think you are right about his reaction being linked to other insecurities or stresses from earlier in the day with clients or colleagues, etc. The challenge for me is that he can come home and have a glowing report about how well his day went and be in an good mood, then suddenly switch into anger about something he's worried about or sees as a threat. He is a worrier and a pessimist, so I think in the back of his mind or underneath the surface of his emotions at all times is great fear.

[MorningSong]

Also, he views me as a competitor (he's outright told me he feels this), and has forced me to live platonically while still calling me his wife to the outside world. This is heartbreaking to me as before marriage there was chemistry as well as a solid friendship. He was kind, patient and generous of spirit. Once we were married,  it was like a switch turned and he acted extremely resentful, angry and jealous. I mean like immediately after our reception the evening of our wedding. I don't know if he felt panicked and trapped now that he was officially married or what it was way out of left field from the person I knew before we married. It has been very difficult emotionally and yet my faith, my relationship with God has truly been the only way I've survived with my sanity.

[Ozzie101]

That is very difficult to handle and I'm so sorry. What you experienced when you married isn't foreign to members here. I've read stories of many others who went through something similar.

How do you usually respond when he goes into these rages? We have some very helpful articles and workshops on a number of different topics that might be of help to you. Have you read any of them?

One thing I learned here is the role I was playing in my problems with my uBPDh. No, that doesn't mean the way he treats you is your fault. Just that, without knowing it, often times we Nons are contributing to the situation. Healthier communication methods can go a long way to making things better -- or at least making us stronger.

I know there are a lot, so I'll recommend a couple that have been very helpful to me:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

When you feel like it, maybe you could take a look and let us know what you think.

I'm glad you have your faith to rely on. What about the rest of your support network? We can be that for you. But do you have a therapist? Family? Friends? A trusted spiritual advisor? It's so important for our own strength to keep up connections and take care of ourselves.

[Rev]

I'm glad you have your faith to rely on. What about the rest of your support network? We can be that for you. But do you have a therapist? Family? Friends? A trusted spiritual advisor? It's so important for our own strength to keep up connections and take care of ourselves.

Hi

I just wanted to echo what Ozzie said.  As you can tell by my name, I am a person of faith and soo much of your story echoes with mine. Especially the competitive part.  In my case, it was quite an eye opener how much the "on the ground" help was necessary. For me, my faith sustained the effort on the ground - I lived and continue to live in hope.

How does your faith work for you?

You have come to a great place.

There is much love and understanding here that makes the real suggestions trustworthy.

Blessings to you as you continue to get to know where you are - both in your heart and in your everyday life. You will find what you are looking for and you will make it.

Rev

[MorningSong]

Ozzie 101 and Rev: Thank you so much for your encouraging comments. They mean so much to me. I am new to this site and just starting to navigate it, including accessing helpful topics. I will gladly read the suggest articles you shared.

My reaction to my husband's rages vary depending on the situation. Worst case has been when he's in a full-blown rage that is bent on destruction of property. This is not especially common and has happened 5 or 6 times during our marriage of 13 years. In those situations I have physically intervened by blocking or removing items he is reaching for. He then redirects and leaves the situation with a slamming door. My response in this situation is not recommended for anyone, of course! He redirects simply because he knows I am not intimidated by possible physical situations in life because of my background in martial arts. This apparently serves as a deterrent for him as a boundary line in his mind. I have never used physical force or violence on him in any way.

I generally hold my emotional reaction to his verbal rages inside. I usually speak in an even tone in response (if at all) and remove myself from the room or even the home as soon as possible. Every once in awhile I will respond to his verbal abuse with an angry tone, with words refuting his accusation of me, then leave. A few times during our marriage I have YELLED back, "cancelling out" his hateful name-calling by talking over him at the same time he accused me or called me horrible names. I then left.

When I leave the situation I generally go somewhere to read my Bible and pray. This is an amazing encouragement and help to my battered emotions. Sometimes the next day he will come and ask me if I forgive him and I usually nod. Many times he will act the next day as though nothing has happened at all.

I have Christian friends who are great. A few know that my husband has rages and pray for us. I have tried to limit telling people any details except for a couple of people. They are the people I can go to when I need to get out of the house for the evening or overnight.

I am dealing with the effects of Lyme disease as well as a liver tumor, so it is especially important for me to concentrate on healing emotionally right now so that I can have added strength to heal physically. This is why I searched for a support group site like this. I need to focus primarily on my own healing instead of focusing on keeping the "marriage boat" from rocking! This site already helps me feel like I am not alone in dealing with a BPD spouse. I deeply appreciate any wisdom from those who have walked this out in their lives.

[Ozzie101]

Health problems on top of a loved one with BPD is a very difficult and draining situation. I'm sorry and I hope you find healing -- physically as well as emotionally/spiritually. We do have members here who have experienced or are experiencing similar so I hope you'll keep reading around other people's threads (and posting, when you feel like it -- we often heal and learn by helping and supporting others).

That's good that you're able to leave situations when they get heated. That's a skill I'm still working on.

What are these rages usually about? Are there regular triggers for him? Sometimes when we look at specific situations and our own responses, we can learn ways to lessen the frequency and intensity of the rage episodes. I know that's been very valuable for me. If that's something you'd like to look at, perhaps you could pick a recent example and describe it for us in a "he said/I said" way?

If you're not ready for that and just want people to listen, we're here for that, too!